I was hoping maybe it’d make him really happy, or equally scared, or something. It just would’ve been so funny to me.

If you recall, about two months ago Whitney Houston died. With the predictability of a stick falling, the news and radio channels then blasted Whitney songs for quite a while. Generally I would look for other news, but one day I didn’t.

That’s when I noticed something unexpected, and in a cruel way, hilarious.

The Zombie is AFRAID of Whitney! It’s crazy! He just stopped dead in his tracks, got this big old puppy dog look on his face and kind of shrunk into himself.

At first I was afraid because whatever scares a zombie is bound to be awfully scary, right? Not this time my friends! I turned off the TV because I wanted to listen for whatever he was hearing … and he just went back to his regular self.

I gave him my best “ummm … what?” look for a few long moments. Then I went to the door and snuck a look outside. Nothing. So I flipped back on the TV and his meltdown happened again.

After what some might call cruel but I would call scientific tests, I learned the cold hard truth. The Zombie is afraid of Whitney Houston.

I know it’s cruel, but this is good to know. As much as he and I are “friends” (it’s weird considering him a friend considering, well, you know), I still like knowing that I can stop him from deciding to eat me.

It’s unfortunate, but it happens. In my opinion, it’s also a necessary step in a relationship.

On the flip side, you may date someone and think what an a-hole but you lose sign of the a-holery, and you just take it for granted that that’s how things are.

Why am I saying all this? It’s weird, but that’s the best way I can put how I’ve felt about the Zombie the past two months. I realized with some regret that it’s been two months since I’ve written about him but you know what? In those two months some REALLY WEIRD things have happened.

I’m going to be better about keeping you posted about this guy. I have to remind myself that not everyone has an undead roommate, so I can’t be all blasé about it.

This is a teaser of an update. I’ll tell you one quick thing. This started about three weeks ago. The Zombie (maybe some house nearby is being built and he found paint there?) has taken to eating paint. And, never to be a one-step-weirdo kind of guy, he then stabs a little hole in his belly and leaves a trail walking around at night.

I know it’s him because I’ve had to clean my carpet a number of times. Also the path leading to my apartment. And I’ve followed him a few nights (like I said before, I’m very single right now).

(Oh and guess what, the Zombie has no sense of direction! I hopped on my bike one day and followed around his last few nights worth of paint-trails and he goes in so many circles.)

Anyway. I think the Zombie has something like this going on.

I am what I would call “actively single” right now. That’s another way of saying I haven’t been on a date in a while. The usual signs are there. I’m eating healthier. I’m exercising a lot. I’m reading more. It’s terrible. I do these things to primp myself until I trick some pretty lady into dating me, then BOOM, back to eating whatever I want and video games.

The Zombie, sweet undead fella that he is, has realized that in my actively single state I am wishing I had a girlfriend so I could be lazy. Also, you know, romance.

The last few hands I’ve caught him munching on have been men’s hands. With wedding rings on them. Isn’t the Zombino the sweetest?

(Which I guess went well? He got me a crappy watch with blood stains on it, and he really wanted me to try it on, so I had to pretend to hurt my wrist. Later I cleaned it up some, which then made me wonder if I was tampering with evidence, but he can be like a little kid and get so sad if he feels like you don’t appreciate something so I figured a cop would understand why I did what I did. Also I was really drunk which probably hampered my thinking.)

I was gone for about a week, and then since I got back I’ve been pretty busy so I guess he got upset? I don’t know. But here’s the New Year’s Resolution list the day we made it …

And here it is earlier today, when I finally noticed it.

Maybe that’s his way of saying he needs to eat better? Or a call for help? Or anger? And where did he get that cookie? And how was the cookie so burnt on the bottom but just right on top? Oh yeah, I ate it. Should I not have? So many questions, so few cookies. What’s the world coming to?

First of all – communication with this fella is, to say the least, sparse.

Sure, the obvious thing would be to get him brains but … I don’t really like to go for the obvious gift. For tough gift-receivers I will … and this one is a tough one. But here’s trouble numero dos, where do I get brains?

Moving past obvious then … onto weird, but fun. The Zombie is one hard dude to read. Did he like that song? When it was playing he scratched his hand and a finger looked like it almost fell off. Then he chuckled, licked his finger and starting gnawing on my copy of Game of Thrones. From what I can tell he is completely content in any situation.

Bah!

Anyway … whatever, I ended up with a grab bag of gifts. Here we go:

• Duct tape (if a body part falls off, he’s covered)
• A new, used copy of a Terry Brooks book (you’d think I was crazy but I swear he only gnaws on fantasy-based books)
• A framed picture of Scarlett Johansson (it’s a gift for both he and I)
• I bought some old clothes that in my opinion smell like death – thought it might be like a sort of potpourri for him

Hope he likes something in this set? Let me know if you think of something to add last minute!

P.S. I googled “Scarlett Johansson where she doesn’t look hot” and Google’s response was to play a laugh track … weird!

You’re with me on this assumption, right? Of course.

But then …

But then I come in my apartment, I go to wash laundry, and like my mom the whole month of December the Zombie quickly slammed the door, grabbed a bag, held it like it was a prized possession, gave me a dirty look and sprinted from the room.

Only with mom I always thought, “Christmas gift!,” I never thought, “Christmas gift! … Or dead body parts … Hmm.”

Either way I guess I’ll get the Zombie something. Any ideas on what? I’m going to keep thinking, maybe check out the mall this weekend. If nothing else I may just give the Zombie my permission to go eat a few bratty kids at the mall. (Tis the season?)

Something happened on the Sunday before Halloween which I have been dealing with the past few weeks.

I tried dealing with it in a lot of ways. Acceptance, tribute, sadness, guilt. But ultimately denial and alcohol seemed to be most appropriate.

There was a girl I liked. She was very leggy. And very vavoom. How vavoom you ask? She went as Jessica Rabbit. THAT vavoom.

I was trying to charm her with my utter lack of charm (my non-game game as a friend put it), when suddenly she seemed distracted. Someone else in the bar had caught her eye. I knew I was cooked, and I’m a proud guy, so I politely ended our conversation.

Later that night, I saw her in the parking lot trying to flirt with the Zombie. I guess she goes more for the silent type (which I am most definitely not).

This is still a little harsh. It’s not easy to swallow being passed up for an undead cannibal. But hey, everybody finds somebody sometime, right Dino?

Oh my.

I’m … I’m so disappointed in myself right now.

I just realized I was jealous of the idea of the Zombie having another friend! I’m terrible!

This is certainly an unexpected feeling. I really need to get myself a new hobby, or meet a girl, or anything I guess really would be an improvement over being jealous of the idea of my zombie roommate making a new friend.

Oh wait it’s Halloween weekend! I’ll just go stare at girls dressed all skanky. Problem solved!

Who knew the Zombino was so crafty!?

I was out on the town this past weekend, enjoying some cooler weather (whoo!) and guess who I spotted …

Wait – look a little closer.

BOOM! That sneaky little devil!

There was a “zombie walk” for charity going on and the Zombie snuck in I guess. Pretty clever. I hadn’t thought of it but he must love it around Halloween because he can wander as much as he wants.