(Which I guess went well? He got me a crappy watch with blood stains on it, and he really wanted me to try it on, so I had to pretend to hurt my wrist. Later I cleaned it up some, which then made me wonder if I was tampering with evidence, but he can be like a little kid and get so sad if he feels like you don’t appreciate something so I figured a cop would understand why I did what I did. Also I was really drunk which probably hampered my thinking.)

I was gone for about a week, and then since I got back I’ve been pretty busy so I guess he got upset? I don’t know. But here’s the New Year’s Resolution list the day we made it …

And here it is earlier today, when I finally noticed it.

Maybe that’s his way of saying he needs to eat better? Or a call for help? Or anger? And where did he get that cookie? And how was the cookie so burnt on the bottom but just right on top? Oh yeah, I ate it. Should I not have? So many questions, so few cookies. What’s the world coming to?

First of all – communication with this fella is, to say the least, sparse.

Sure, the obvious thing would be to get him brains but … I don’t really like to go for the obvious gift. For tough gift-receivers I will … and this one is a tough one. But here’s trouble numero dos, where do I get brains?

Moving past obvious then … onto weird, but fun. The Zombie is one hard dude to read. Did he like that song? When it was playing he scratched his hand and a finger looked like it almost fell off. Then he chuckled, licked his finger and starting gnawing on my copy of Game of Thrones. From what I can tell he is completely content in any situation.

Bah!

Anyway … whatever, I ended up with a grab bag of gifts. Here we go:

• Duct tape (if a body part falls off, he’s covered)
• A new, used copy of a Terry Brooks book (you’d think I was crazy but I swear he only gnaws on fantasy-based books)
• A framed picture of Scarlett Johansson (it’s a gift for both he and I)
• I bought some old clothes that in my opinion smell like death – thought it might be like a sort of potpourri for him

Hope he likes something in this set? Let me know if you think of something to add last minute!

P.S. I googled “Scarlett Johansson where she doesn’t look hot” and Google’s response was to play a laugh track … weird!

You’re with me on this assumption, right? Of course.

But then …

But then I come in my apartment, I go to wash laundry, and like my mom the whole month of December the Zombie quickly slammed the door, grabbed a bag, held it like it was a prized possession, gave me a dirty look and sprinted from the room.

Only with mom I always thought, “Christmas gift!,” I never thought, “Christmas gift! … Or dead body parts … Hmm.”

Either way I guess I’ll get the Zombie something. Any ideas on what? I’m going to keep thinking, maybe check out the mall this weekend. If nothing else I may just give the Zombie my permission to go eat a few bratty kids at the mall. (Tis the season?)

Something happened on the Sunday before Halloween which I have been dealing with the past few weeks.

I tried dealing with it in a lot of ways. Acceptance, tribute, sadness, guilt. But ultimately denial and alcohol seemed to be most appropriate.

There was a girl I liked. She was very leggy. And very vavoom. How vavoom you ask? She went as Jessica Rabbit. THAT vavoom.

I was trying to charm her with my utter lack of charm (my non-game game as a friend put it), when suddenly she seemed distracted. Someone else in the bar had caught her eye. I knew I was cooked, and I’m a proud guy, so I politely ended our conversation.

Later that night, I saw her in the parking lot trying to flirt with the Zombie. I guess she goes more for the silent type (which I am most definitely not).

This is still a little harsh. It’s not easy to swallow being passed up for an undead cannibal. But hey, everybody finds somebody sometime, right Dino?

Oh my.

I’m … I’m so disappointed in myself right now.

I just realized I was jealous of the idea of the Zombie having another friend! I’m terrible!

This is certainly an unexpected feeling. I really need to get myself a new hobby, or meet a girl, or anything I guess really would be an improvement over being jealous of the idea of my zombie roommate making a new friend.

Oh wait it’s Halloween weekend! I’ll just go stare at girls dressed all skanky. Problem solved!

Who knew the Zombino was so crafty!?

I was out on the town this past weekend, enjoying some cooler weather (whoo!) and guess who I spotted …

Wait – look a little closer.

BOOM! That sneaky little devil!

There was a “zombie walk” for charity going on and the Zombie snuck in I guess. Pretty clever. I hadn’t thought of it but he must love it around Halloween because he can wander as much as he wants.

Good news – I got my Playstation 3 game back!

Bad news – the Zombie ate my favorite Game Stop clerk.

Ugly news – the Zombie looks fat in those pants. Bah ha ha. I kid, I kid.

I come back from my vacation and I notice two things. One, the Zombie appears to have gained forty pounds (maybe he stayed thin before because he didn’t have a good place to go eat?). And two, slightly more unsettling, there’s a part of a corpse on my kitchen table.

(On the plus side I finally found a use for the massive amounts of junk mail I get. I put it down so the Zombie won’t get the table bloody.)

It’s crazy how much weight he gained! I made a comment, which was rude of me, but I asked the Zombie when the baby was due and he appeared to not like the comment. I can tell you this with some amount of certainty because he ate part of my favorite Playstation 3 game, and he knew exactly what he was doing.

I apologized and he left.

I couldn’t find anything via, well, anything, so I turned to my (and everyone’s) favorite – fuzzy logic. I’ll use myself as the benchmark.

First, let’s take the facts.

I like food. The Zombie likes food.

I play video games or sports or watch movies when I’m bored. The Zombie stares listlessly. Or he eats humans.

When I’m upset I want to be alone (but really I also want people to reach out and try nice things). When the Zombie is upset he disappears for a few days (presumably to eat people).

When I like a girl I think about her and try (too hard) to be funny. When the Zombie likes a girl he gets batteries, sunglasses and condoms from Target.

See? Fuzzy logic! You’re with me, right?

Anyhow – he was carrying a bag from Target, sort of swinging it around happily like you can’t help but do sometimes when you’ve got a bag from a candy shop.

I pointed to the bag and said, “mind if I …” and he got the picture. He held the bag out, opened it up, and I glanced in.

It was at this point that I remembered my roommate is not a normal, boyish fellow with a bag but a Zombie (with a bag).

Thankfully, the contents were not Zombie snacks, though they were weird:

• Pack of D Batteries
• Sunglasses
• A box of condoms

I have nothing to support this but I think the Zombie had a date tonight!!