I don’t actually care about basketball that much. When I watch, I root for the Suns, so I don’t like Robert Horry. And the Spurs still hurt a little because of the year they knocked out the Suns (and the controversy surrounding it).

That’s not what I’m here to talk about though. I’m here to talk about why the Spurs are more boring than a coworker’s dogs medical history. This was very difficult to come up with, but here are five things that are as boring as the Spurs.

1. When someone is telling a story and they say “hoary” and you think they mean “whore-y” but no, they meant “hoary.” Temporary dose of excitement GONE.
2. The variety of commercials whenever you watch something online (like ESPN3 or TNT basketball).
3. The stuff you read through when you google “really boring things.” One of which was a video of Martha Stewart talking about boring things. Oh, internet.
4. This list.
5. Manu Ginobili’s bald spot. (Rumor has it his bald spot isn’t even real. Gregg Popovich asked him to shave it into his head to, “add some excitement to the team.”)

In reality, I way over-explained my actual opinion on why the Spurs are “boring” to Juicebox. I explained way past the point of his caring, but I thought it was accurate and a good explanation, so here it is again.

The Spurs are boring to MOST people watching the NBA finals. Why? Because most people watching aren’t big NBA fans. I really like, and know, football. Baseball is second. If I go to a baseball game and it’s a great pitcher’s duel – only four hits all game and the game ends 1-0 … that’s probably boring to most people. But you know what? Because I know the sport, I appreciate the talent that led to that happening.

The Spurs are very methodical, smart, organized, and they execute well. As someone who doesn’t care about the NBA, this is incredibly boring. I want stupid antics, over-the-top personalities, and nonsense. I don’t want to have to admit these things, because that means I’m into DRAMA … but you know what? That’s what people are hoping to see. Lebron causes conversations, Tim Duncan causes naps.

Face it folks, we want the drama. If we didn’t, the Spurs wouldn’t be BORING, they’d be amazing.

We headed to northern Arizona, to spend time at a family cabin in the woods. It’s very beautiful there. While my parents, brother, and sister normally endure 100+ degree summer temperatures – the cabin has 70s and 80s. It is heavenly. Plus it just plain smells nice.

The crew at the cabin for the weekend was: myself, E$, my bro, sister-in-law, their FIVE kids, and my parents. It would be a relaxing weekend if not for the number five.

Here are a few highlights from the weekend (I will leave the infamous nephew’s name off).

Luxurious Armpit Pillow

Originally, the brotha-in-law was supposed to come up. Unfortunately, work reached out its evil paw and kept him in its clutches. The sleeping arrangements were then revised accordingly. I no longer had to sleep on the couch. Instead, my sister and I would be sleeping in a king bed together (I created a wall of pillows and said DO NOT CROSS – I’m a sweetheart). E$ and I taking this bed moved my brother and sis-in-law to another bedroom. No biggie.

That is, until about 3 am.

At 3 am the door to E$ and I’s bedroom started to open. You really have to work at the door. It creaks like a song in remix mode. Ree-ree-ree-ree *opened.* This woke me up. I heard a little noise (my sister guessed the poor little kid was crying) and then tiny hands moving along the bed. All the sudden the kid was up and crawling on me. I responded, in a loving voice, “which one are you?” The kid didn’t say a word! I would’ve thought that someone saying, “which one are you?” would be an upsetting question but the kiddo was unfazed (E$ aptly pointed out later that she could very well see our brother asking the exact same question).

My follow-up question was shock, “are you already asleep!?” That is just plain impressive. This kid had walked around, crawled up on me, stuck his head in my armpit (it apparently makes a heck of a pillow) and boom he was out.

E$ and I were wide awake. She decided to head to the bathroom. When she got back I figured I’d do the same. I tried to very gently roll the sleeping prince of unawareness off of me. It took. Phew! I got up and then a sad little voice, “daddy! … don’t go!?” Awww. Adorable right?

“All right, let’s take you back to your proper owner.”

The kid was returned to the parental units and sleep was soon restored.

He’ll be a Private Eye Someday (ya know, a dick)

Unfortunately this happened while I was outside talking to a friend on the phone – but it’s too good not to relay on.

The same prince of unawareness from the night before was in the little boys room. The door, of course, wide open.

His older brother asked about his whereabouts and the kiddo responded, “I’m in the bathroom!”

A minute or two later the kiddo yells out, with some concern, “you guys …. I can’t find my penis …”

Yep. That was said.

My mom offered to take the baby from my brother so he could go help a brotha out. He politely declined, choosing to let time heal all wounds. Thankfully it worked. Another minute or two passed and,

“Nevermind! … I found it …”

The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen.

“Apple did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.”

The fact that you tried to contact Apple makes you a legitamate news source! And they didn’t respond “by publication time.” They could respond at any moment, though! Which makes the news source even more impressive.

“Sorry, I was talking to my mom and Apple called, I let it go to voicemail.”

Thinking about this led me to write this little news blurb.

Scientists Find that Monkeys Actually Made Out of Pancakes

(Cairns, Australia) – In a stunning reversal of the long-held belief that monkeys were made out of bones, muscles, blood, and sass, scientists have just released the news that monkeys are actually made out of pancakes.

Dr. Theodore Etzel (who does not like rhyming jokes about pretzels), was the chief researcher behind the stunning news. Dr. Etzel’s paper was released earlier this morning.

Dr. Etzel did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.*

Dr. Etzel is expected to defend his conclusions at the Science for the Masses Composium, held in Stanley, Australia, annually.

*Possibly because no request was made, and because this is nonsense.

French Fries

Mayo

Airplanes

Rainbow Speak

Mine

An Object of Beauty – Steve Martin

• I’m a big fan of The Pleasure of My Company. This one, eh. The most interesting and neat thing with this book, to me, was that it includes color pictures of some of the paintings the book talks about. This is nice because I’m lazy and don’t look up things (except in rare cases) that books talk about. A lot of the art talk was probably lost on me, so if you’re into that this book may appeal more to you.
• Here’s a NY Times review of the book. (The author doesn’t directly say but I get the impression she wasn’t a big fan either.)

Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

• I finished this earlier today so I’m still not sure how much I like it. BUT, I can tell you that I really enjoyed his writing style.
• Come back tomorrow for some quotes from the book that I liked.
• Here’s the catch with the book, in case you pick it up without knowing the plot like I did – it’s a love story between an upper 30′s man and a 12-14 year old girl. From the perspective of the pretty-vocabularied man. Huh. It’s fiction but an odd pill to swallow.
• Check out some quotes from the book that I liked … here.

Next up will be A Clockwork Orange. (After that I promised myself a lovely, feel good book.)

Above published Jan 5, 2012

I thought about it some more and I decided … yes, I like Lolita. If for no other reason than the language. But it’s also interesting because it has a lot of unexpected parts (at least I was surprised) and it’s just plain odd.

A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess

• Yikes!
• I read on wikipedia (linked above, and because it’s wikipedia take it as you will) that the author was not a fan of the book or the movie. The book, because he wrote it quickly and why is everyone in to this thing I wrote just off-hand! Gah! The movie, because it didn’t accurately convey the meaning of the book. I have not seen the movie, but the book’s message was interesting.
• I haven’t seen the movie, but I thought the book did present an interesting question. And I have heard the movie is violent and crazy, but with books you can distance yourself (in my opinion) more easily from that. It’s less ‘real.’
• Also, possibly the coolest part, is that wha-la, you know about forty words of slang without having tried. There are more than forty in the book, but you walk away without knowing ALL of them. Well, maybe YOU do. But I didn’t.

Check out the master to do list here!

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This weekend I’m heading to Arizona to see my family.

Hopefully the quality of this postcard is no indication of the quality of the trip home. On the other hand, I wish I had a stamp of this guy. I’d use that stamp all the time.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I sending these postcards?

Blame!

It’s easy to blame the economy for things right now, and everyone’s doing it. If you’re not, you should be.

“Really? I swear, it’s like you’re not even aiming when you use the bathroom. What is going on in here?!”
“Sorry mom, the economy has me worried … will I be able to get a job after college?”

This is a potential conversation between a seven year old boy and his mother. Little Jacob can’t use the bathroom like he used to – and it’s the economy’s fault.

Say you’re at the supermarket and it’s weirdly crowded for a Tuesday at 3 pm. What is happening here? Oh dang, that guy has a sweet mustache. Seriously though why is this – oooh an open spot right up front! You zoom toward it, cutting off that sweet old woman who was there first.

“Young man, you should be ashamed! Where have manners gone in this world!”
“Sorry miss, it was either cup o’ noodles, or manners. And a guy’s gotta eat.”
“Oh it’s ok youngin’, I’ve been there before. Trust me. I’ve. Been. There.”

(Turns out the old woman was more creepy than sweet. Classic mistake.)

Yes. The economy is bad right now. But keep this silver lining in mind, and it won’t seem as bad.

And when the economy improves, we can finally afford that gold lining.

RIM SHOT!

After a while I would finally get your joke. A play on the word “aloof,” and I would respect you less.

Moving on.

The loofah has changed a lot of things in my life. My finances have improved, I’m eating healthier, I think I look great, and most importantly, my personal relationships have developed more as a result. I find that after using the loofah while I shower that I can relate to people much better!

I’m almost ashamed to admit the conversation I had with a friend of mine just a few weeks ago. We’ll call my friend Jerry. Not for no reason, too, it’s because his name is Jerry.

Jerry: “Brad, they’re going to foreclose on my house.”
Me: “Jerry. That is news. This is an update to me.”

See what I did there? I wasn’t sure what he was feeling so I couldn’t guess what emotion I should have. I just limited myself to statements! With my loofah’d hindsight, I can see that he was probably SAD, or HUNGRY. Two key emotions for any human.

Jerry: “I’m so depressed.”
Me: “Well, let’s inflate you! With french fries!”
Jerry: “….Um. I guess I could go for a shake?”

Thankfully I stumbled into just the right thing to say. Phew!

I won’t have to just stumble my way into relating to people now! No, sir! Not with the loofah in my life!