10.

9.

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7.

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5.

4. Whatever

3.

2.

1.

These are some of the most dramatic people you will ever meet. I’ll give you an example.

“Boozer has 8 points six minutes into the first quarter, and he only had fourteen points total in the first two games!”

Sports announcers and ESPN folks love to give dramatic projections.

So and so has four home runs through the first six games of the season, that means by the end of the season …

So and so has eight rushing touchdowns through four game of the season, at this rate …

It’s silly. And then they have conversations over their straight projections. Other times someone will come on and say so and so is having a hot streak, so they’ll say, “ok fine, if you reduce this by …” and then they’ll give a slightly less projection.

I want to apply this to boring, daily life activities. Please read this in your best radio/sports caster voice.

“Only up for twelve minutes and Jon has ALREADY consumed ONE bowl of cereal. He’s on pace to break a record for CEREAL meals in the course of a day! We could be witnessing history.”

“Woah … ANOTHER sneeze from June which is … I believe that makes three already today. If you think about that, we could be seeing a WHOLE LOT of sneezing through the course of the day!”

I could go on … but you get the point … and I’m lazy.

(P.S. If you think that’s a lazy ending, just wait for tomorrow’s post.)

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If my life was a soccer game on a Spanish-speaking channel, last night there would’ve been one of those at-first-funny-but-then-annoying 5 minute long “goaaaal!” announcements.

Why? Because I’m done with my Master’s*!

*If it turns out I failed my final, that would be an own goal announcement.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

“Hey, I’m Dennis … And I don’t normally say this, but you’re one good looking stegosaurus.”

“Hey, I’m Lisa, and … That might be the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“You want to go back to my … ‘cave’?”

“No … let’s go back to mine!”

Nine Months Later (or Whatever)

“Our beautiful son Chris Anderson is born!!”

For those mothers who went into motherhood knowing what to expect as far as how crazy little kids are … you’re nuts. For those mothers who went into motherhood somewhat blind and have been trying to recover while raising a good family, kudos.

When I was very little I was crazy about GI Joes (they’re still really cool). GI Joes themselves were obviously cool. The cartoon I watched about GI Joes was cool. Even commercials for GI Joes were cool! My brother’s GI Joe comic books? I never read them, but had I done that, undoubtedly cool.

It’s no surprise, then, that I wanted to create a cool atmosphere for playing with the GI Joes.

In some toy commercials the toys are shown outside in swampy areas, or in a lake, or in some woods. Well, what if you can’t play outside at that moment? You bring the woods and lake inside, DUH!

My mom, when she discovered the mess I had deliberately made, was not on board with the idea. She probably was a bit confused.

So, let’s hear it for the moms, who may sometimes think they are surrounded by tricksters … but really, we’re just goons. Calvin, take it away.

• Shhhh. This moment is for us.

• Fortune will smile on you. Like a baby’s smile. Yeah, a gassy baby’s smile.

• You smell really good when you think you’re alone.

• Dale! It was Dale!? That is classic.

• NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN YOU JUST ATE MY HOME!

• Am I the only one who is concerned that Mickey Mouse is an axe murderer? We can’t just let him … sweep … that murder under the rug.

Ok, well, that’s all I’ve got! Come back later when my future self is more ambitious than my present self and actually makes some fortune cookies! I will record the endeavor and put the shenanigans on the internet!

Here, try a few (of the fortunes, not the cookies! you silly goose!):

(Seriously, how could you try the cookies? Do you not understand the Internet?):

(I know I was making a joke as though you could try the cookies but you can’t, ok?, please, let’s just move on and get to the post):

(I’m not even sure I want to blog at this point. You keep bothering me about the fortunes and it’s beginning to upset me.):

(You know what? Yeah, maybe it is writer’s block. And maybe I wish it was an actual block so I could throw it at you because SHUSH with the cookie talk already!!):

(I’m sorry, I don’t want to throw a block at you. I take that back.):

(But hey, what if the block was made out of cookie dough! Haha oh boy, what a wild ride we’ve had):

…Let’s try this again tomorrow, eh friends?

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I have (knock on wood) one final to go before my Master’s is done! That means this week I need to buckle down and study … OR … Think about my graduation gift I’ll buy myself! What will it be? Legos? An XBox 360? Something indicative of my age?

Only time will tell!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Side note: a haboob, yes a HABOOB, is a “violent and oppressive wind blowing in summer.”

How will you make all of this money? Oh, it’s simple.

You see, Arizona is unique in a number of ways. One of which is it’s drivers license lifespan. In Texas, your license expires six years after you get it. In Alabama, four years later. In Arizona, your license expires when you turn sixty-five!

Let’s ignore how crazy that is and move on to something even crazier. From the website, “Arizona Drivers License Renewal Guide at DMV.org“:

If for some reason you didn’t make it into the DMV before you turned 65, there’s still time. As long as you go in to renew it within the year, the fee will still only be $10.

You can get a regular license at age 18, which means you would have had to have been too busy for forty-seven years. That’s pretty busy. My plan is simple:

Arizona requires that, if your license expires, you have to pay the ten dollars AND you have to give a reason for missing the deadline. Then, Arizona takes the best of the best for those reasons, and they put a simple book out once a year. It’ll be an annual must have. Look soon for “I was busy, OK? Volume 1.”

Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming

Part 1 of this story is a little theory I have come up with based on the Zombino, zombie friends, and zombie enemies I have met over the past month or so. For this theory, we will look to our dear friend Abraham Maslow.

Layer 1 – Physiological - Yikes. These are zombies you do not want to mess with. You know in zombie movies how there is sometimes that zombie that is just the upper half of the body, and yet it continues to crawl toward you? That’s full-blown physiological state zombie. These guys will kill each other without hesitation if they think another zombie is in their way. Heck, sometimes just for fun I think. But that’s probably my fearful imagination.

Layer 2 – Safety - These zombies will stumble on a human, and they’ll attack together. If it was a group of physiological zombies? They’d kill the human, and at the same time try to kill each other just to have the meal all to itself. So, you’re still dead if you run across some safety state zombies, but know that you’re bringing them together. Awww.

Layer 3 – Love/Belonging - These are the zombies you picture when you picture zombies. Still pretty human. If you saw one for a split second you wouldn’t know it’s a zombie (just a weird, spaced out person). In movies, hordes of zombies gather together outside a building where there are humans inside. That’s because: A) they want dinner; and B) they like the company. Sure, no one admits that (for obvious reasons …) but it’s true.

Here’s the crazy thing about the belonging stage zombies. There is a definite bell curve in the zombie community. 70% of zombies are in this group, and because they hang around other zombies in this group, it keeps them in it. If a zombie gets half blown apart, or they fall behind, they sink to layer 1 (bad times ahead). If, on the other hand, the zombie leaves the group, and it gets to witness humans being good … well …

Layer 4 – Esteem - Now we’re talking. You’ve got a chance with these guys. If an esteem state zombie is coming at you and your child or loved one, and you put yourself in harms way to protect the other person? Bravo, hero, because this zombie will have the human element trigger somewhere in their foul-smelling head and you live to see another day. OR, you get killed quickly and mercifully.

Level 5 – The Great Zombino – Self-Actualization - The Zombino is the only level 5 zombie I met, as far as I could tell. I met a number of level 4 zombies (remember when I ran into that gang in the woods and the Zombie saved me? A bunch of level 4s).

A zombie gets to level 5, I think, by getting away from other zombies, and living life as close to a human as it can. Sure, it still stinks like a zombie, and eats like a zombie (which is troublesome), but level 5 zombies get boundaries. They have a sense of right/wrong for who to eat.

So … now your question should be, wait, when the Zombie was hanging out with all those level 4s … wouldn’t that bring him down a peg? And if a bunch of level 4s hang out together, doesn’t that put them in danger of devolving to level 3s?

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.