“but I don’t actually care where I stay as long as it’s warm and no bugs and I see you occasionally, i.e. every single minute”
Franny and Zooey
“They were staggered at my assurance. An animal may be ferocious and cunning enough, but it takes a real man to tell a lie.”
The Island of Dr. Moreau
Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!
Panda Bear
Think they do a really good Jamaican accent, but good God it sucks.
Dance, monkey!
Ohhhhhh I get it. It’s funny because it’s … wait, I don’t get it.
Reads The Non-Review.
Like school in the summer – no class!
Elephant
Suave. Sophisticated. And somehow still single – nobody gets it.
Favorite joke is: ‘what did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?’ ‘Make me one with everything.’
Call the cops – we got a reallllll joker on our hands.
Rushes to the sexual stuff. Will you ever learn?
Got fourth place in a Leslie Neilson look-alike contest.
Shrimp Goby
Had the nickname ‘the one man dogsled team’ in high school.
Don’t ask, but honestly, don’t have to. If you catch my drift.
They’re like one of those drug commercials. Everything seems great, but really there’s a huge list of possible downsides.
Fresh to death.
Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!
Parrot
Texas-two-stepped their way into my nightmares.
Honorable to a fault. I’m not sure what that means. But it applies here.
Music starts when they look in your eyes … but then they notice your poor hygiene.
What a silly goose!
Cutie with a bootie.
Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!
Black Bear
Claim to be the first to wear baseball hats backwards.
Confused loneliness with horny-ness once, but thankfully used protection. Vowed to never let it happen again.
Probably the most sports trivia knowledge, ever. It’s mind-blowing.
Came up with the cheer “strawberry shortcake, banana split! All you guys are playing like sh…!” At ‘sh..!’ looks around mock-bashfully.
Once had a delay in O’Hare airport in Chicago that lasted 22 hours.
Squirrel
Had a huge crush on Charles’ friend Buddy from ‘Charles in Charge.’
Look cute in a fedora.
Aren’t sure if you’re kidding when you’re being sarcastic.
Taller than you’d think.
Great rack.
Dragon
You won’t believe their stories – but, honest, they’re true.
Guilty pleasure of quoting Disney meetings during work conferences – but doing so on the sly.
Doesn’t watch baseball until the World Series.
Went to a nudist beach and giggled the WHOLE time.
Wikka-wikka-wikka-whaaaa?
Giraffe
When they go on trips they’re the ones that end up paying five dollars for a toothbrush at the hotel gift shop.
When they’ve been drinking they’ll admit it – they had four years of lessons on the accordion.
Think it’s funny to do an impression of Fred Flinstone, but instead say “yabba dabba don’t!”
Did just go there.
Don’t own any loafers, but are always on the look out for a good pair at a great price.
