DumbFunnery » De Jour of the Week

I Could Be Weirder than I Am …

DumbFunnery — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:01:45 +0000

Bad Jokes Quick Hits

DumbFunnery — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:01:47 +0000

First of all I’d like for you to apologize to those pants for subjecting them to looking that bad. That’s what that ass said to me.
Get it?

I decided to watch the next Westminster Dog Show while listening to Jay-Z’s “99 Problems.”
Because the song has a b-word … and that’s why it’s funny.

She and I wanted to start using more words. I liked her so I took this as an opportunity. I told her if she was an angle she’d be “acute.” She told me I could’ve made a move long ago but I’m so “obtuse.” I told her I’m not fat and I ran away. Greater than 90 degrees? What a jerk.

If I Started a Think Tank, Part 2

DumbFunnery — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 17:01:05 +0000

If you recall (if not here it is), I posted a poll before to come up with the name of the imaginary think tank I would start. The masses responded in force (total votes: 9) and there was a tie between:

*Beep, Beep, Beep* – Hey, what’s that sound? Oh, nothing, just that THINK TANK backing up its ideas with SCIENCE and FACTS and such
Brain Shells (you know, the weapon of choice of a think tank)

Feel free to comment and force the tie one way or another … or I’ll be forced to use independent thought which is just rude of you, dear reader.

Moving on to today’s topic of interest …

Who will be a part of this Think Tank?

I haven’t extended the invitations just yet, but here is my first cut at the team.

The ghost of Albert Einstein, via Mellena Sellena, “Your Guide to the Stars and Life Hereafter”
(I haven’t met this lady, but I’ve driven by her shop/home a few times and it’s thirty dollars to talk to one dead person, forty-five for two. Soooo …)
The ghost of Christmas Future, via Mellena Sellena, “Your Guide to the Stars and Life Hereafter”
(This one could be a challenge for Mel Sel, I’m assuming she’ll be cool with me calling her that … if not it may not work out. I don’t know if she can contact fictional ghosts, but since I don’t really think people can contact ghosts anyway I figure why not get my money’s worth and make her really use her imagination and creativity.)
Lindsay Lohan
(She will be working the ‘what not to do’ department.)
This guy Ed I used to work with, he’s super smart
(Not only is he super smart but he has an awesome beard.)
Yours truly, DumbFunnery!
(Can you imagine how many hipster chicas I can talk to when I say I’m on a Think Tank?! Why, hello, slightly less empty social calendar!)

What do you think of the team so far? Any suggestions? Would you like to be a part of the team?

An Ode to Bad Jokes

DumbFunnery — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:01:04 +0000

Yes, there it is … my old inviting friend
This conversational lull may be the end
Because, after my joke (which may offend)
The conversation may well be deadened

The attention is mine!
The story, the delivery, is fine …
And then! And then … the um, oh shoot, uh … what’s the punchline?
I’ll stutter gibberish while I hope to divine …

Um, well, it’s funny … I’m pretty sure
I can’t remember that one but I have more!
Do I know a word stronger than ‘abhor’?
Well, that’s just uncalled for

But, it’s genetic you see
Get me around my family and it’s painfully,
Oh, so, SO painfully,
Clear to (escaping) you and me

There’s no other sound
To which I am bound
Like the lovely sound
My jokes bring around

“……..Ugh.”
Meanwhile, my grinning mug,
(You’d think I’d feel like a lug
But bad humor and I are quite snug)
So, we shrug,
And at this joke continue to plug

Yes, my humor may bring a groan
But your little grin while you bemoan
Is to all so clearly shown
So these bad jokes, you condone

An Ode to New Year’s Resolutions

DumbFunnery — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:01:13 +0000

It’s nice to look to New Year’s Resolutions
As providing “I’ll get to it tomorrow” solutions
But look fast, my friend,
Last year is at an end
That means your resolutions start now
Give them a shot before you disavow

This year – an early bedtime every night!
You’ll be alert and awake and oh-so-bright!
But … that one show’s on late tonight …
And coffee can keep work all right

Ok, well, there’s working out every day!
Co-workers will see me and not know what to say
I’ll need protein with my work-outs, in the form of fillet
But, to properly prepare a fillet
You really need all day
So in my kitchen preparing, and snacking, I will stay!
Besides, working out resolutions are so passé

Eating better, though, that I … I …
Well, I mean, I can try …
(I’m saying that with a sigh
As I kiss Oreos, Doughnuts, and happiness goodbye)

RESOLUTIONS UPDATED!
Life’s too short to be un-sated
Be nice to people, animals, and the planet
As for the rest, roll with it

If I Started a Think Tank, Part I

DumbFunnery — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:01:12 +0000

Although I am sure you are aware, I will give the definition of a think tank (source):

An institute, corporation, or group organized for interdisciplinary research (as in technological and social problems) – called also think factory

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the phrase ‘think factory’ but that conjures up all kinds of fun, Roald Dahl-esque imagery.

Anyhow. I went to a wine tasting/grading party on Saturday night and I got drunk. In my drunken state I began to daydream about my own think tank.
‘What’s that? DumbFunnery as the originator of a think tank?’
Why, yes, friend. It not only could happen – it WILL happen. But only if you use the phrase ‘think tank’ in a non-traditional, less-work involving way.

First things first, though. What’s the name of my think tank? Here are some ideas. Feel free to vote.

Please feel free to write in other names if you have something good. If your idea is selected, the think tank will tackle any problem of your choosing. Or if that just sounds like I’m relying on you to be creative in two seperate instances, I’ll figure something else out. You jerk.

Communication Problems

DumbFunnery — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:01:09 +0000

Effective communication is a difficult thing. Often it stands in the way of great progress being made. I know it’s certainly a problem where I work, and that probably goes for every work place.

That’s why this is so embarrassing for me to admit.

Communication with myself often falls far short. Here are a few examples.

1. “Ok Brad, clean the dishes, then you can relax.”

20 minutes later – “Wait, was I supposed to clean the dishes, or eat this bag of mini-doughnuts? Because I see a lot of dirty dishes, and NO doughnuts …”

2. “Ok … I’ll set my alarm for … 6 am … I’ll wake up and do sit-ups before getting ready for work and in no time I’ll have super freak abs.”

7:30 am, “SHOOT … Wait, wow … I snoozed my alarm so many times it gave up … Impressive!”

3. “All right guys, this is my last game then I need to head to bed. Battlefield 3 can’t run my life.”

20 minutes later: “No I can’t go to sleep after THAT …”

50 minutes later: “I am so glad we have that coffee place right by work. One more game?”

… Not a very good post, right? Eh. You’re probably too comatose from Turkey to care. And if you do care, go eat some pie, come back and read this in a better mood.

Happy leftovers day everyone! (Well, everyone in the States that is. Sorry Canadian friend, and semi-Canadian friend.)

Ode to Memes

DumbFunnery — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:01:16 +0000

Just as a note, this poem could’ve gone on forever. I did this just for kicks and worked in some of these that amuse me far too much. You sit there, and you think of yourself as a somewhat intelligent person, and then four hours later you realize you’re not (as you’re clicking on yet another dumb video/picture/whatever).

Lastly, if you don’t know what a meme is, you will soon.

Ode to Memes

I can has definition?

A meme is an image, video, etc. that is on a mission

Passed from one person to another til it’s reached your vision

And like Rebecca Black’s Friday

I think it’s here to stay

If you think you understand the meme

It’s not as simple as it may seem

Chemistry Cat can’t help you

Neither can Sad Keanu

You can question the philoosraptor

But he’ll just Rick-Roll you once more

“All your time are belong to us!” the memes say

Y U No realize you’ve just wasted another day?

So just fuuuuuu it

Because like the Loituma Girl it’ll stick despite no wit

(Oh, was that so bad that you want to pick up a bat?

Then you probably don’t want to meet the Nyan Cat)

Yes, internet, it’s to your stupidity that I tip my hat,

Now play me off Keyboard Cat!

The Internet is a Teenage Boy

DumbFunnery — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:01:59 +0000

Paranoia – Catch It!

DumbFunnery — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:01:48 +0000

At lunch recently I was talking with a friend about things we’ve heard people do that are paranoid. It was a fun talk. Here are some of the things. Please comment and add any others you know.

1 – If you go to a fast food type place and they say, “do you want your receipt?” you say yes. Not because you’re going to look at it – but because you think if you say “no” they’ll think you’re lazy and hack into your account. Or some other equally odd reason.

2 – When you have to agree to a license while downloading anything on your computer you scroll all the way to the bottom before hitting ok. Not because you’re reading it, but because you think they’ll judge you/do something if you don’t.

3 – After getting your car back from a dealership (or tune up shop of any kind) – before belting out and singing along (horrendously) you have a split second fear that someone in the dealership is setting you up to be the next unintended YouTube sensation.

4 – Writing a blog post or a comment about something your “friends” do…

Hopefully if you didn’t have a pointless paranoia like one of these, you will now!

And again, please feel free to add your own! (Or, you know, some guy you know who knows a guy who like totally does that or whatever.)