The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Recent Dad Jokes

Friend after really pushing herself on at a 10k race: My stomach is upset.
Me: Did someone say something to it?
Friend (confusion)
Me: Something mean?

 

Friend: We’re going to have a wine party.
Me: Oh a bunch of people getting together to complain?

 

And one of my dad’s old standards …

Me: I’m hungry.
My dad: Nice to meet you, Hungry.

 

For more of this kind of humor, check out the reddit subpage called dad jokes.

To My Girl, With Adoration (and Corrections)

It’s hard to believe, seven years ago was our first date
(Not to be nit-picky, but it was actually eight)
I bought you dinner, and you bought us ice cream for dessert
(It was actually some frozen yogurt)

We went on a walk, enjoying the beautiful weather
(It was so cold I had to borrow your sweater)
You looked so cute in that flower-print dress
(Is your memory under some form of duress?)

You have the most beautiful blueish-green eyes I’ve ever seen
(Define what you mean by ‘blueish-green’?)
I hope our daughter has your beautiful brown locks
(It’s light chestnut! … Not to get on my color-wheel soapbox)

You always smell like lilacs, lavender or Ungaro
(You’re just saying the fancy smell-words you know)
I made you this CD, it has our old song
(It’ll be fun to see how you got that one wrong)

I just want you to know how much you mean to me
(I like you and your bad memory)
Even as I get older and my mind starts to fade
(I will be your memory maid)
I’ll always know how much you mean to me

Early Art Critic

 

~41,000 years ago, in a cave somewhere in Spain …

Dale: Ok what have we got here?
Ernie: This was done last week by Todd, with some input by Roger.
Dale: Oh I definitely see Roger in this. Yes. His style comes across loud and clear.
Ernie: You say that … almost …
Dale: With disappointment? Yes. I’m SICK of Roger. Roger, you have hands, we get it. Ok?
Ernie: So you don’t like this piece?
Dale: Come now, ‘don’t like’ is such a trite phrase.
Ernie: What would you say then?
Dale: I think the simplest thing to say would be that I find his use of shadows condescending and, frankly, pedantic.
Ernie: Well … we’re in a cave.
Dale: Yes.
Ernie: So … you know … there are gonna be shadows.
Dale: Ugh. You still have so much to learn about being a critic.

Attn: Ellen (4/18/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

On the left is dear Uncle Joe. While many mocked Uncle Joe’s aggressive pointing style, few really got it.

… Oh wait …

I guess that’s why they mocked it.

Welp! Mystery solved!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Attn: Ellen (4/11/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Looking at this postcard, I can’t help but think:

“pew! pew-pew-pew! VROOOM-BUH COOOO! PEW! PEW! Mrrrrr … BRRRR-eeeeee!
Halt – traitor – halt!

BOOOOOMMMM!

Aaaah!

Pew-pew-pew!”

But then I stop myself, because have you considered this?

“VREEE. BUH-CLEE! BUH-CLEE!
DOOOO. DOOO.

Pfff … kshhh …

PEW – PEW – PEW!”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Attn: Ellen (4/4/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know what I haven’t seen enough of lately? The ‘talk-to-the-hand’ motion.

Let’s you and I bring it back, and we’ll meet up in New Mexico, buy some crappy welcome to New Mexico t-shirts (from a gas station – the best quality) and then we can tell tourists to talk to the hand.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. I had a really long day at work. So … that explains this postcard?

Why am I sending these postcards?

Attn: Ellen (3/28/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Lately I’ve been feeling more aware of my, let’s call it “single-ness.” Thankfully, I have this postcard.

This painting must have been the start of the “forever alone” meme.

Thank you Dwarf Michel, and until next week Ellen!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I sending these postcards?

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