The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Obvious Observations, part 1

I’m 30 now. And married. And I think these two things entitle me to have formed some pretty obvious observations.

For example, I’m sitting and having lunch (I’m here trying to read a book to be a better coder but instead I’m doing this …). At a table near me are three high school kids. Two girls and a guy. The girls are laughing a lot. Now, maybe this guy is the funniest guy in the world. But you know what? Probably not. (He’s too handsome to be that funny, no one needs to be both funny AND attractive.)

When I was younger, if I said something trying to be funny and a girl laughed a lot, I didn’t get it. I didn’t think, ‘oh she’s flirting‘ or ‘oh she likes me.’ I thought, ‘that wasn’t that funny, why is she laughing?’ And if I had a crush on the girl laughing, it was a neurotic, self-harming thought like, ‘that wasn’t that funny … is she mocking me?’

Thankfully, by the time I turned 28 and met my now wife, I’d managed to sort out a few things like – sometimes people laugh really hard at dumb things because they happen to find them funny and sometimes if someone is interested in you they ask questions about things they probably find boring not to confuse you but to show interest in you and make you feel like a hot shot.

You heard it here first folks. Think back on your conversations – if someone laughed a ton and things you said that aren’t that funny, or if someone showed a lot of interest in your joy over something most consider boring … that person just may like you. Or maybe they are setting you up to mock you at a school assembly. You can’t be sure.

Recent Dad Jokes

Friend after really pushing herself on at a 10k race: My stomach is upset.
Me: Did someone say something to it?
Friend (confusion)
Me: Something mean?


Friend: We’re going to have a wine party.
Me: Oh a bunch of people getting together to complain?


And one of my dad’s old standards …

Me: I’m hungry.
My dad: Nice to meet you, Hungry.


For more of this kind of humor, check out the reddit subpage called dad jokes.

To My Girl, With Adoration (and Corrections)

It’s hard to believe, seven years ago was our first date
(Not to be nit-picky, but it was actually eight)
I bought you dinner, and you bought us ice cream for dessert
(It was actually some frozen yogurt)

We went on a walk, enjoying the beautiful weather
(It was so cold I had to borrow your sweater)
You looked so cute in that flower-print dress
(Is your memory under some form of duress?)

You have the most beautiful blueish-green eyes I’ve ever seen
(Define what you mean by ‘blueish-green’?)
I hope our daughter has your beautiful brown locks
(It’s light chestnut! … Not to get on my color-wheel soapbox)

You always smell like lilacs, lavender or Ungaro
(You’re just saying the fancy smell-words you know)
I made you this CD, it has our old song
(It’ll be fun to see how you got that one wrong)

I just want you to know how much you mean to me
(I like you and your bad memory)
Even as I get older and my mind starts to fade
(I will be your memory maid)
I’ll always know how much you mean to me

Early Art Critic


~41,000 years ago, in a cave somewhere in Spain …

Dale: Ok what have we got here?
Ernie: This was done last week by Todd, with some input by Roger.
Dale: Oh I definitely see Roger in this. Yes. His style comes across loud and clear.
Ernie: You say that … almost …
Dale: With disappointment? Yes. I’m SICK of Roger. Roger, you have hands, we get it. Ok?
Ernie: So you don’t like this piece?
Dale: Come now, ‘don’t like’ is such a trite phrase.
Ernie: What would you say then?
Dale: I think the simplest thing to say would be that I find his use of shadows condescending and, frankly, pedantic.
Ernie: Well … we’re in a cave.
Dale: Yes.
Ernie: So … you know … there are gonna be shadows.
Dale: Ugh. You still have so much to learn about being a critic.

Attn: Ellen (4/18/12)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

On the left is dear Uncle Joe. While many mocked Uncle Joe’s aggressive pointing style, few really got it.

… Oh wait …

I guess that’s why they mocked it.

Welp! Mystery solved!


Attn: Ellen (4/11/12)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Looking at this postcard, I can’t help but think:

“pew! pew-pew-pew! VROOOM-BUH COOOO! PEW! PEW! Mrrrrr … BRRRR-eeeeee!
Halt – traitor – halt!




But then I stop myself, because have you considered this?


Pfff … kshhh …



Attn: Ellen (4/4/12)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know what I haven’t seen enough of lately? The ‘talk-to-the-hand’ motion.

Let’s you and I bring it back, and we’ll meet up in New Mexico, buy some crappy welcome to New Mexico t-shirts (from a gas station – the best quality) and then we can tell tourists to talk to the hand.


P.S. I had a really long day at work. So … that explains this postcard?

Why am I sending these postcards?


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