The attention is mine!
The story, the delivery, is fine …
And then! And then … the um, oh shoot, uh … what’s the punchline?
I’ll stutter gibberish while I hope to divine …

Um, well, it’s funny … I’m pretty sure
I can’t remember that one but I have more!
Do I know a word stronger than ‘abhor’?
Well, that’s just uncalled for

But, it’s genetic you see
Get me around my family and it’s painfully,
Oh, so, SO painfully,
Clear to (escaping) you and me

There’s no other sound
To which I am bound
Like the lovely sound
My jokes bring around

“……..Ugh.”
Meanwhile, my grinning mug,
(You’d think I’d feel like a lug
But bad humor and I are quite snug)
So, we shrug,
And at this joke continue to plug

Yes, my humor may bring a groan
But your little grin while you bemoan
Is to all so clearly shown
So these bad jokes, you condone

This year – an early bedtime every night!
You’ll be alert and awake and oh-so-bright!
But … that one show’s on late tonight …
And coffee can keep work all right

Ok, well, there’s working out every day!
Co-workers will see me and not know what to say
I’ll need protein with my work-outs, in the form of fillet
But, to properly prepare a fillet
You really need all day
So in my kitchen preparing, and snacking, I will stay!
Besides, working out resolutions are so passé

Eating better, though, that I … I …
Well, I mean, I can try …
(I’m saying that with a sigh
As I kiss Oreos, Doughnuts, and happiness goodbye)

RESOLUTIONS UPDATED!
Life’s too short to be un-sated
Be nice to people, animals, and the planet
As for the rest, roll with it

Lastly, if you don’t know what a meme is, you will soon.

Ode to Memes

I can has definition?

A meme is an image, video, etc. that is on a mission

Passed from one person to another til it’s reached your vision

And like Rebecca Black’s Friday

I think it’s here to stay

If you think you understand the meme

It’s not as simple as it may seem

Chemistry Cat can’t help you

Neither can Sad Keanu

You can question the philoosraptor

But he’ll just Rick-Roll you once more

“All your time are belong to us!” the memes say

Y U No realize you’ve just wasted another day?

So just fuuuuuu it

Because like the Loituma Girl it’ll stick despite no wit

(Oh, was that so bad that you want to pick up a bat?

Then you probably don’t want to meet the Nyan Cat)

Yes, internet, it’s to your stupidity that I tip my hat,

Now play me off Keyboard Cat!

And it’d better be good if I don’t want a rift

But …

(A word for which I am such a glut)

What about that certain phrase

That we relied upon in younger days

Presenting to a parent a glob of paint

Which would then be praised like a patron saint

Now adulthood is here

(I say with a 3-weeks of vacation a year-sneer)

The glob of paint just won’t do

So now what am I supposed to get for you?

You’re beautiful, you’re wonderful, and I can’t hold you close enough

It’s just I don’t know how to say that with “stuff”

I promise I’ll try though

Until the point where I give up, grab something shiny and angrily say “geez like I know!”

There’s a chance you’ll see my gift and want to pounce

So let’s hope it’s the thought that counts

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Kisses are sweet
HOLY FU**ING SH**
THERE’S A FU**ING
TIGER!! RUN!!!!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Awww!

I’m sitting on my couch alone
So alone,
Deciding which game to play of the many video games that I own.

I’m sitting in my bed so-so alone
So alone,
In my king-size bed with bazillion count sheets that were hand-sewn.

I’m sitting in my kitchen, you guessed it, alone
So alone,
I’m full of lobster and that cake is tempting me but first I’ll eat that scone.

I’m sitting in my luxury car so very alone
So alone,
With my foot on the pedal (tickets are chump change) I’m speeding through this low-speed-limit zone.

I’m sitting in, what room is this, have I been in here before?, alone
So alone,
This mansion was maybe too big for me – the fourteen bedroom villa I should’ve been shown.

I’m sitting in my yacht theoretically alone
So alone,
Minus the crew, and the chef, and the masseuses, my loneliness makes me groan.

Well I’m listening to someone with way more money than me say ‘you can’t buy happiness,’ and I feel alone
So alone,
Because yes, I can’t buy happiness, but at least you can try you marone.

I

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If I put down my gun
So should you

II

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No, because summer never stole my favorite shoes.
Please give them back.

III

Sweet as a cookie,
Sharp as a tack.
My car was not bought
To experience carjack.

IV

O captain, my captain
Where is my watch?
Seriously … who took my watch.

V

The devil dances
And dines
And devours
The unwary travelers of life
You’re not the devil
But you come close with that knife

VI

What is life?
What is the purpose for all of this strife?
Who are we?
Please, anonymous hacker, un-steal my identity?

But onward!
Outward!
Forward!
Well not forward, I’d hate to be untoward.

My problem is analysis
To the point of, yes, paralysis
The more fruitless
The more endless
With no hope of definitive, conclusive bliss

When she said bye -
Why didn’t she say good bye?
Was it a shot on the sly?
Or am I guess-who-really-needs-a-hobby guy?

Look! What’s that on the horizon?
A problem that could use some serious surmisin’?
Well, isn’t this surprisin’?
I already made the decision – and it can’t be undone.

So I ask you, please make my decisions life or death,
Or I’ll just think them to death.

***

I do nerd-engineering stuff so I’ve heard the phrase ‘analysis-paralysis’ a number of times. But I met someone who hadn’t heard that phrase, so in case you haven’t, I just made you that much dorkier.

Also, I really do over-think things I don’t need to quite a bit, so I’m going to hit this topic again for a poem and next time try to make it good.

Here’s the challenge:

“My challenge to you, dear reader(s) – come up with an innuendo phrase that involves socioeconomic. The winner of the challenge will get a very crappy poem written to/about/for them. The poem will probably not make sense, but it will rhyme.”

So without further ado!,

An Ode to the Non-Review

Don’t fall for the trick
Of Mr. T.S. Hendrik
And foolishly misconstrue
The “Non”-Review

If I want my dose snark
With a side of review
Or a cat with a caustic remark
I turn to the “Non”-Review

There’s nothing non about his reviews
He’s looking up movies you haven’t seen while you snooze

But what IS The Non-Review?
(If you don’t already) It’s time you knew:

It’s the land of the 7 Word Weekend Skewer
The land of Pete, the large-toothed ne’er doer
The land of the numerically-oriented (Just the facts, ma’am) reviewer
And, lest we should forget, Wilfred Brimley’s never been bluer …

So congratulations to T.S.
Who keeps his fans coming back saying “yes”
Here’s to more Non-Reviews
Something-something, rhyme-aroos

I felt the need for gibberish to end, because I promised that it would rhyme, not that it would make sense.

Want a crappy poem written about you or your blog, or your imaginary cat? Let me know … I may get around to it, if you’re cool enough.

If I had to guess, this poem was probably written to get her to say she did like my poetry.

Reaction

I’m sick, sick, sick of your “poetry”

Great. Another five year old’s rhyme, written for me.

*

Why do boyfriends think they’re unique?

Bad poems by a math guy? You made my week.

*

Do me a favor, please, take your time.

It’s not necessarily good if you make it rhyme.

*

Haven’t you noticed the hints when you read to me?

Big yawns, my staring at the clock, longingly!?

*

It’s not just boredom, it’s even my health

My eyes have rolled so much I’m stuck looking at myself.

*

The first time it was sweet

But now, my dear, notice my exit on fleet feet.