The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Weekly Wacko’

Happy (Belated) Mother’s Day!

Hello to all you mothers out there! I hope you had a lovely day, and that you will have a fantastic rest of the year.

For those mothers who went into motherhood knowing what to expect as far as how crazy little kids are … you’re nuts. For those mothers who went into motherhood somewhat blind and have been trying to recover while raising a good family, kudos.

When I was very little I was crazy about GI Joes (they’re still really cool). GI Joes themselves were obviously cool. The cartoon I watched about GI Joes was cool. Even commercials for GI Joes were cool! My brother’s GI Joe comic books? I never read them, but had I done that, undoubtedly cool.

It’s no surprise, then, that I wanted to create a cool atmosphere for playing with the GI Joes.

In some toy commercials the toys are shown outside in swampy areas, or in a lake, or in some woods. Well, what if you can’t play outside at that moment? You bring the woods and lake inside, DUH!

My mom, when she discovered the mess I had deliberately made, was not on board with the idea. She probably was a bit confused.

So, let’s hear it for the moms, who may sometimes think they are surrounded by tricksters … but really, we’re just goons. Calvin, take it away.

Mistaken Identity

Recently my mom sent me an email via a website called Tidbits. It was a very nice thought. The email has a number of good restaurants to try in the Houston area. I will definitely be trying a few of them.

My mom is weird and sweet in this way (this is what I call a “countdown comment” – because after I publish this post it’s a countdown til my mom says, “so Brad, I read your blog today …”). This is sweet because my mom is looking out for me, giving me tips on fun things to do. This is weird because she lives in Arizona and keeps tabs on Houston because I live here.

Unfortunately, Tidbits is catered to women. Or, as the website called me in the email, it is catered to the “gal about town.”

What’s the natural follow-up? Automatic subscription to a Tidbits, with the next email titled, “Put your best stiletto forward.”

I’m not just any gal about town, I’m a leggy gal about town.

But wait, there’s more. From some random run I did in the past I get emails from Runner’s World magazine. Kind of annoying, kind of nice. One day I got an unexpected email from them:

“Run like a girl!”

In the email it talked about concerns women have when running that men don’t have (sports bras, Aunt Flo, and menopause). Not only does the magazine think I’m a woman, it thinks I’m an older woman.

Frankly, this old gal can’t wait for the email telling me that the Deluxe Designing Women DVD Box Set is on sale.

What’s the Deal with Traffic?

Today I was driving and, oh man, you’ll laugh, guess what happened!? I got STUCK … in traffic!

Zounds! Am I right?

Here’s where it gets crazy though. I had a somewhat terrible thought. I’ve noticed that I’ve had this thought in the past and I didn’t think much about it, but today it really struck me.

Painting the Picture

I’m driving along, la la la, happy times. Then the red lights of anger come on in front of me and the folks on the road go from about 65 mph to 20ish mph. Then we alternate between stopped and going a few miles per hour.

Classic traffic scenario. We’ve all been there. But wait, there’s more.

Eventually the pace picks up some and we’re cruising along consistently at about 15 to 20 mph.

Some time after that I notice a car pulled over on the shoulder. Aha! The redeeming grace of traffic jams (be sure to pack your peanut butter and bread folks, there’s a TRAFFIC JAM out there! ah ha ha ha!) – the curiosity would now be satisfied. There is no faster mystery story you can find. Traffic jam, I beseech you, reveal your cause!

It’s … This car is just … It has it’s blinkers on and it’s just pulled over. Maybe a flat or something, I don’t know, but it looks fine. And traffic is picking up and we’re … We’re out of it.

Seriously? That’s IT!?

THAT’S what caused all this delay?! REALLY?

***

What’s the concern? What was the bad thought?

All that … For a stinking van on the side of the road? I mean, come on! At least have a small fire coming from under the hood or something! Maybe someone running out of the car, ON FIRE … That’d be cool.

Let me be clear – I don’t want anyone to have been hurt. I want it to be like an old episode of the GI Joes. Just watch the intro to GI Joes and you’ll see what I mean.

Look at that, so many bullets fired, tanks, helicopters, you name it, all coming at each other … And not a single person hurt. Maybe some scraped knees from people bailing out of an exploding tank (that’s some trick). If there’s bad traffic, I want the cause to be some GI Joe-esque fight scene. Except, you know, don’t hold up traffic too much.

The last thing we need is an unruly Roadblock …

HEYO!! (Psst, non-GI Joe people, Roadblock is a GI Joe. And he’s got something important to tell you.)

Holy crap, what a frightening PSA.

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