The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘work’

Don’t Mess Up

This week I had a fancy work event which I was very nervous about. Generally at work I never do any public speaking. I will sometimes speak to a group of about 20, if it’s at a meeting for my manager … But that’s a casual atmosphere where I know everyone. And I am not doing any actual presentation.

On Tuesday morning I had to introduce my boss’s boss’s boss (I think it sounds more fun to say it that way than with titles). I was pretty nervous about this. I practiced the very brief (30 seconds or so) introduction to the point of memorizing the speech.

There are a few ways that seemed like ways I could mess up introducing Miss Boss’s Boss’s Boss:

  • In the middle of the introduction, revert to what I would often do while practicing, which was to say “blaaaaaaah!! I don’t wanna DO THISSSSSS!!!”
  • Accidentally imply she’s a cyborg
  • Wonder aloud how the audience thinks I’m doing
  • Picture the audience in their underwear (I’m not saying there weren’t good looking people there, but overall that would be a bad move for my vision)
  • Set an oscillating fan beside me, and mimic the fan’s behavior while speaking (you know, look to the left part of the room for a few seconds, gradually shift my gaze and look in the middle a few seconds, you get the gist) … Then at the conclusion of my introduction I would say, “Yes, it’s clear (so and so) is an impressive woman. I guess you could say I’m her biggest … fan.”

Thankfully I didn’t do any of those things. My boss’s boss told me I looked far too serious (which makes sense, I was nervous). I plan to ask him how I did overall … I have a feeling that’ll lead to a lot more jokes, but it’ll be good.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Top Annoying Habits in a Workplace Bathroom

The top five worst things that can happen when you’re in the bathroom, etiquette-wise. I won’t get in to all the crazy potential catastrophes. I’ll also leave out the lack of hand washing (because I’ve already covered that).

My buddy Juicebox and I were talking about our least favorite occurrences at the work bathroom as a consequence of working with some people who are, frankly, weird.

1 – Walking up to the bathroom the same time as someone who is a chatter. Then you have to pretend to get a call, or go stare at the vending machine that is just past the bathroom, pretending you are considering getting something (I have done this many times).

2 – Being at a urinal next to a guy who does the “ahhhhh” like he’s advertising for Coca Cola and he just took the world’s tastiest sip. Gross, dude. You’re peeing, get over it.

3 – Being anywhere at all in the bathroom when a guy in a stall (or anywhere, but particularly if he’s in a stall) answers the phone. Then I feel like a weirdo because all I want to do is make gross noises  as loud as possible. I guess the person on the other line is aware that the call receiver is in the bathroom … but if not, I just got that dude in trouble, and I’m proud of that.

4 – This one is maybe not as common an annoyance, but it sure drives me nuts. People taking excessive paper towels. Wash your hands, shake them off a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. Come on! When I see a tiny dude taking a bunch, I want to say, “come on guy, let’s be real, you’ve got tiny hands.”

5 – Hearing someone turning document pages (you can hear the difference between a newspaper, magazine, and printed out papers). Who are you? Where are you taking these papers? Please tell me you’re going to throw them away!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Work Word Problems

Remember the simple joys of dreading and hating word problems? And then cursing yourself for not getting how simple that mother flipping problem was? Take this for example …

Jane spent $42 for shoes.  This was $14 less than twice what she spent for a blouse.  How much was the blouse?

Confusing as flip, right? Wrong! The answer is 0, Jane is a thief.

Now, try these on for size.

 

Question: If a coworker wants to talk to you about returning meaningful error codes in a program, and he sits in a special cube where no lights can be turned on nearby (seriously) because everything with him is sort of crazy, how long will it take?

Answer: Time has no meaning.

 

 

Question: Joe, a slow talker who never jokes around, says he has a funny story. Joe then says a couple sentences about going to the mall with his wife and they couldn’t find where they parked. How many seconds after each sentence do you wait before starting your fake laugh? Bonus: On a scale of one to ten, how fake will your fake laughter sound?

Answer: Trick question, it won’t be fake laughter, it’ll be nervous, confused laughter, and it will happen as soon as Joe says he has a “funny story.”

 

 

Question: Tony swears, on average, six times an hour. If Brad laughs every time he hears this, but sometimes is surrounded by adults and likes to pretend he is an adult so he stifles his laughter, what is Brad’s actual age?

Answer: If a dinosaur had diarrhea it would be called a poopasaurus.

 

 

Question: Burt has terrible breath, but is unpredictable. How many times in a 30 minute conversation with Burt can you raise your notebook as though you are deep in thought, but actually it’s to breathe in the smell of paper because dear Lord anything is better than that man’s breath, without raising suspicion?

Answer: Who cares! That breath is rank, my friends.

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Du Jour of the Week

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