The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Toastmasters’

Toastmasters Speech Four

Speech four in the Toastmasters Competent Communicator Manual (yes, it’s really called that) is “How To Say It.” The focus is choosing the right words to communicate your message effectively, using rhetorical devices to enhance and emphasize ideas, and finally to avoid jargon and unnecessary words.

 

You know that feeling when someone says something awful, or shocking, or heartbreaking, or flattering even – and you know the EXACT way to respond … about 40 minutes later.

It’s just funny to think about how many words there are to choose from, and yet I could spend all day thinking about the times that I failed to say the right thing.

BUT. I am in luck. I have good friends who are willing to listen to me tell long stories and then applaud me on what WOULD have been the perfect response. Knowing how to say something is best – being able to communicate something clearly and concisely – but sometimes for your own mental health, it’s also good to know how you SHOULD have said something.

Today we will time travel to three times, and you all will help me right past wrongs.

 

The time? One week or so until school lets out for winter break, my freshman year of high school. The place? West Point, New York.

What I said: “Mom? … … … My shoe? Is … in the basement … in the ceiling.”

Now, how about some context. I had gotten upset after talking to my folks and stomped down to the basement. For reasons known only to my high school brain, and maybe not even then, I decided to kick my shoes off to hit the far wall in the basement. I tried first with my right foot, my good foot, and I had the perfect mix of lift and distance and SMACK, the shoe hits the far wall. Next, my left foot, and the success was not duplicated. My shoe went STRAIGHT UP, through the cheap-y tile ceiling we had and sticks out … a trophy of my ignorance.

If I were to try this again, I would maybe say something like,

“Mom. Dad. I have to admit, I’m struggling. In just a few weeks we’re going to be moving to Georgia and I’m scared, and nervous. A move in the middle of the school year? Everyone will already have their social circles and routines and I’m supposed to be cool enough to get embraced? You guys know I like books about magic and knights and stuff like that, right? I’m not exactly ‘cool’ freshman material. And on top of that! I’ve got finals this week! I need to do well on all of these tests so my grades are good! I guess I’m saying all of this because I want to say sorry in advance for how moody I’m going to be while I deal with a tough move …

Oh, and, speaking of mistakes anyone could make, I tried to kick my shoe off to kick it against a wall, which was dumb of me, I know, but I sorta kicked it UPWARDS and it pierced the ceiling. We could head to the basement to take a look … Please let me know what I can do to help fix this problem.”

I asked my mom recently if she remembered this and she had NO memory, clearly it impacted me more than my parents. Although I think the most impacted of all was … the ceiling.

 

Now we will travel even further back in time.

The time? One week or so before the end of 6th grade. The place? Leavenworth, Kansas, specifically, East Middle School.

What I said: “…Sure? … I guess I can be your boyfriend?”

Did you notice how that could be improved?

First, of course, some context.

I was confused by this girl asking me out for a couple reasons … 1, someone liked me?, 2, I was moving in about two weeks so why would someone want to date me?

Here’s how I might approach that now.

“Wow! I am so flattered! I didn’t think anyone liked me … But … In case you don’t know, I’m moving in about two weeks. To New York. That’s pretty intense for a couple 6th graders. I can get your address though, and I can mail a letter when we get there and I know what my address will be?”

Not ideal, but better than the eventual phone call we had where I casually mentioned my upcoming move, only to find out she had no idea. Whoops.

 

Last but not least, we travel to just a few years ago.

The place: my favorite grocery store, HEB, in Houston, Texas.

What I said: “…….WHAT?”

I was in line at the grocery store with two people in front of me. Checking out was a woman wearing a burka, and behind her was a woman in workout clothes. The woman in workout clothes was CRITICIZING! the woman in the burka for wearing a burka, and based on the body language of the woman in the burka, this had not just started … she seemed calm, neutral, and ready to be done with her grocery shopping as soon as possible. The workout clothes woman said that it was a disgrace that she was wearing a burka, she didn’t need to be persecuted and she had the freedom to wear whatever she wanted so she should not wear a burka.

The workout woman turned to me, apparently assuming I would be on her side, and she said, “don’t you find that offensive?” ‘That’ meaning the choice of clothes.

This led to me less than ideal response, a shocked “WHAT?”

Sometimes debate is pointless, people are so entrenched in their beliefs that attempting to pull them out only leads to them digging in deeper. Like a car stuck in mud. I have a feeling I would not have been able to convince this woman to open up her mind to another viewpoint, but perhaps there was someone else thinking quietly to him or herself a similar, if less aggressive, thought. For that potential person, I wish I had been able to find better words.

“I understand that sometimes if you look at someone who looks very different, or acts in a way that is strange to you, or dresses in some new way that can be scary. And that might make you want to hold on even tighter to what is comfortable and known. But those differences could also be looked at and seen as potential. What ideas, what way of thinking, are typical to that person that you or I don’t yet know? We should ask questions, not questions asked as a form of judging someone, but questions asked to learn.”

Now, I know that is a pretty unlikely little speech for someone to give at a grocery store. But like I said, sometimes you do the right thing for an unknown audience.

 

I’d like to thank all of you for joining me in time traveling.

Ah, to be a freshman in high school again … kicking shoes into ceilings. Or a sixth grade Romeo, stumbling through being a boyfriend. And finally to Texas, righting social injustices one ice cream and cereal run at a time.

I’d like to think that, as I get older and hopefully wiser, I will have more times where I need to think about how to say something, and less times where I will think about how I SHOULD have said something … But, come on. I can however take comfort in the fact that I have kind listeners for when I need to rewrite the past.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Toasty Toast – Mindfulness

When you join Toastmasters you get a book called “Competent Communicator.” In this book there are prompts for ten speeches, and it’s a good thing to get all ten of those knocked out.

Each speech has a purpose, the first was just to get you up there (the icebreaker). The second is to focus on organizing (in case you just rambled the first time up, I suppose), and the third is called, “to the point.” In this speech you have a general and a specific purpose (not as in The Jerk’s special purpose).

I think I feel more comfortable when I start talking and no one expects to leave feeling as though they have a purpose, because that means I can jabber endlessly without a purpose – and I clearly enjoy doing that.

 

Mindfulness

Today on my drive into work I didn’t really notice the mountains. I didn’t really notice the sky. I didn’t really notice my house, the neighborhood, or just how short and nice my commute is.

That’s kind of disappointing, isn’t it?

Just a few months ago, when I moved out here, every day I drove into work it was practically a gift. My commute here is MUCH shorter than it used to be, and on top of that, it’s about as beautiful a backdrop to a commute as someone could ask for.

And yet here I am, already taking all of that for granted.

My speech today is supposed to have an objective. ‘What do you want the audience to be able to do after listening to your speech?’

When I was trying to think of what to talk about, I realized that I didn’t have any particular purpose that I wanted all of you to leave here with – but I did know something that I wanted to work on. And that’s to be more mindful, because it is far too easy for amazing and beautiful things to become normal, to become things that can be taken for granted or seen as normal.

If any of you also want to try and be more appreciative of the present, I’d like to share three things that I’m going to try to help achieve a little more mindfulness.

The first thing is a trick to put myself in a better state of mind.

It’s almost summer now, and with that we will soak up those rays of sun, enjoy warm weather, being outside, maybe getting to work on some outdoor project. One thing I’m excited about is being able to take a kayak out on a lake with a little packed lunch. I could paddle out to a spot where I’ll feel isolated on the water and stare at the mountains as I chomp down on my food.

During those times, life is good.

But I know myself. I know that not long after it’s continuously warm I’ll be thinking, “all right warm weather … that’s a BIT much. Let’s take it down a notch, eh?” Soon I’ll be fantasizing about fall, the colors of fall, pumpkin-flavored everything, heck, pumpkin pie itself composed of about 60% whipped cream, the return of long sleeves, and crisp air that cools my face as I jog.

And then from there I’ll think of winter. The walk from my house to the mailbox and back is the perfect distance to put you in the right mood for hot chocolate.

There I’ll be, baking in the sun daydreaming about the nice parts of winter. Which is fine, but it’s not making me appreciate the fact that I’m in the middle of the kind of daydream I was having only a few short months ago.

The trick, then, is to take myself to the past, but not to fantasize it. I want to think about the past where I was hoping and wanting this very moment. I’ll think about the bad parts of the opposite season – and then it makes me appreciate what I have in this moment. I need to remember that biting cold of winter – waking up in a cold house, the sky being dark at 5:30 pm, and my hands were dry and my feet could practically be ice packs when I get in bed at night.

And that could be applied to so much more than weather. Don’t focus on where you are now and compare that to where you want to be next, focus on now and where you’ve come from to get here.

Next up is mealtime. Talk about an easy thing to take for granted.

Think back on the last meal you had. After you took a bite, what were you thinking about? The news? Conversation? The next bite? What you need to get done? Did you put your utensils down?

One trick for appreciating your food more is to put your utensils down between each bite. If you keep the fork, or whatever, in your hand, you’re thinking about your next bite. The meal is not something you are enjoying and appreciating, but something you are getting done. Putting the utensil down also gives your body time to realize that you’ve already had enough to eat – you don’t need to go for it on those last ten bites.

Vegetables are one thing I should be more appreciative. When I was a kid I assumed the only reason grown-ups liked them was because all their taste buds had died.

There was one time, my whole family was at the dinner table. I only had broccoli left on my plate … this was the only thing keeping me from desert. When I was sure no one was looking I snagged the broccoli off my plate and started to slouch down in my seat. I was being pouty so this was just emphasizing my mood. As I slouched further and further I was finally able to reach the floor – I quickly shoved the broccoli under the leg of the table then sat back up. “I’m ready for desert now, please!” My WHOLE FAMILY saw me do that! They ALL knew I was lying!

And now I actually request broccoli with dinner. I really ought to be more appreciative of how far I’ve come there. If you had similar feelings toward vegetables – enjoy them more! Appreciate where you are!

Slow down at meal times, put your utensils down between bites, and the meal will be better.

The last, but certainly not least, trick for appreciating the life you have is to help others. This doesn’t even need to be volunteering – help can be given everywhere you go.

And you’re surrounded by people who need help. Is there someone relatively new to work around you? Smile at that person. Recognize how scary and new everything is. Do you have some hobby and someone you know is trying to learn that? Make it known if you’ve got advice if they want it. Helping people can make you appreciate what you have – skills, kindness, patience, whatever it is, you’ve got something.

I can tell all of you who were here when I joined – that you certainly helped me. I’m going to let you in on a secret – software engineers are not the most socially engaging, welcoming, warm crowd. I was new here and missing my friends from back in Texas and I came to this club and everyone was smiling, and friendly, and nice. That was great, and I bet all of you did it without a second thought.

The next time you’re kind to someone, or you help, even if it’s in the smallest of ways, take a moment to pat yourself on the back, and think back on a time when someone showed you some kindness, and just appreciate how, despite it being such a simple thing, helping people can generate such a great feeling.

Mindfulness. It’s tough. Living in the moment, all the time, would be incredibly draining. It’s somewhat of a shame, but we’re simply too busy to be appreciative all the time.

But that shouldn’t stop you, or me, from taking time to be appreciative.

Think about your past self, and how much you looked forward to the point where you’d be where you are today. Take time to think about that, instead of always where you want to be.

The next time you eat – slow down. Put the fork down, close your eyes, and focus on that bite.

Think about helping others, in big or small ways, recognize that help, and seek opportunities to continue to help.

Hopefully everyone will leave here today remembering at least one of these little tricks to help with being mindful of the present, and you can be a little more appreciative and happy.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Continuing on the Path of the Toast

(Obviously the spoken version deviated a bit, you know, nerves and all that.)

An Apology to my Future Potential Children

I imagine it might be confusing to listen to me apologize to hypothetical people.

Why, you might be asking, am I apologizing? Apologizing for something I haven’t yet done? Shouldn’t I just NOT do these things I need to apologize for?

Good questions. All very good. Allow me to tell you a story.

When I was in the 7th grade my dad came down to the basement where I was playing video games and said, “let’s play a baseball game.” I imagine that this statement was preceded by a brief conversation between my dad and mom, “You need to spend more time with DumbFunnery.” And my dad, in an eloquent response, probably said, “mm.”

There we were, in the basement, playing this baseball game.

I don’t remember too many different times that we sat there and played because each instance was so much like the other instances. Part of that was because my dad and I are routine-oriented people. But this one particular night stands out because of something I realized.

My dad was up to bat and doing his usual thing. Letting the first pitch go by while he sipped a beer. He never told me to do the same thing, but it was implied by him explaining his strategy, “you have to let the starting pitcher wear himself down. Get the pitch count up.” If you swing on the first pitch and get out, this pitcher will be fresh as a daisy and that’s no good. The second pitch would go by and one more sip might be taken. And if I didn’t follow the strategy, he would explain it again. And again. It’s a pretty effective way to get your point across.

The third pitch was pretty much always a ball because the game had a predictable AI. And finally on the fourth pitch my dad would swing, often resulting in an, “AGH!” Which meant he struck out, popped out, grounded out, whatever it was .. he was out.

On this particular night my 7th grade brain was feeling cocky. I thought to myself, “he sounds like a monkey with those crazy noises he makes.” And I just knew I was about to get a hit.

I let pitch one go by. Pitch two comes, I keep with my dad’s strategy, pitch three is of course a ball and pitch four … “AGH!”

What.

I just made the EXACT same noise. I had limitless options but I chose the exact same approach, and when the opportunity came it resulted in the exact same thing.

I. Am. My. Dad. This was heavy news for my 7th grade brain.

Therefore, I am very qualified to apologize to hypothetical future kids – because I have been the annoyee, and now I am the annoyer. I have tried to avoid some of these things … but I think for some it’s hard-coded, and for others it’s just going to come so naturally to me I won’t realize something was frustrating til years later.

In light of the fact that I know some of my future – I’d like to go ahead and apologize for three particular things.

From as far back as I can remember until my senior year of high-school, I can tell you exactly how the morning routine went. Remember how my dad and I are routine-oriented people? I’d wake up, my dad would’ve already been awake for an hour or more, and he’d say cheerily, “good morning!” and I’d say in response, “num-morning.” Usually following that my dad would do an impression of me and then laugh. And occasionally I might be treated to a , “what’s for breakfast? Cereal? Sounds pretty good!”

My freshman year of college a switch flipped. Suddenly I couldn’t be a chipper and enthusiastic enough morning person. Late to class? Woah buddy, better hustle huh? Dribbled while eating cereal in the cafeteria with me? Hey there mister, you missed your mouth!

And it’s only grown stronger. My wife, when she was growing up, had nicknames like “prickly pear” and “thundercloud.” Do you know who loves to bug her in the mornings? ME.

I … “apologize,” I suppose, for the inevitable obnoxious doses of good cheer and happiness in the mornings.

Secondly, I’d like to apologize for my phrasing. Do you know that experience when someone says something serious and you should listen attentively and respond sincerely with something intelligent … but instead you thought of a joke. And not just any joke, but something like a pun? The kind of joke that’s so bad it’s good? And who are you to deny that person this brilliant joke? So instead of something nice you say that joke?

You know that kind of … heavy, frustrated, silence? I know that. I really know that.

And my kids will know that too. Because at some point they’re going to say something where I should respond with something intelligent, and instead I’m going to crack a joke. But I also know the sound of my name being said in such a way that I get it IMMEDIATELY. My wife has crafted a tone of voice that communicates ever so clearly, “I appreciate your sense of humor, it’s one of the reasons we’re married, BUT. NOT. NOW.”

Last up … emotions. I know. They’re scary.

I am capable of experiencing emotions. In fact, at different points in my life, I have experienced all five three. Just kidding, I know there are only two.

I’m going to be Mr. Even Keel, and if there is something emotionally-charged to talk about, my wife will be a much better audience. That doesn’t mean I can’t listen or that I don’t want to listen, it’s just that I might say something like a heartfelt, “sorry buddy” in response to a big, long, emotional story. Whereas my wife’s eyes will reflect every emotion, her jaw will drop, she’ll throw in an occasional “NO!” while you talk about something awful.

I’m going to work on that, I’m going to try and be there for you emotionally … But that’s not going to come easy for me. But just know that I will comfort you in my own ways. I’ll crack dumb jokes, I’ll be silly or a clown for you, because that’s going to be easier and much more natural for me than finding the right words to comfort you.

Heck, I don’t even know those words for myself, but I do know about ice cream. And so will you.

Why the speech, then? Why bother apologizing for things that I’m sort of, kind of, not actually apologizing for at all?

Why apologize for my chipper am self? For laughing as I watch kids make their way to the kitchen, mummy-like, seemingly having just arisen from the grave?

Why apologize for my sometimes unwanted quips for all occasions?

Why apologize for stumbling through emotions and being an emotionally reticent person in general?

Well, it’s because I truly AM sorry for the times these parts of me will be annoying.

In the end, I want to be a good person, which will hopefully one day include trying to be a good dad, and this is the way I was taught to do it, and I happened to like my teachers.

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Weekly Wacko

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