The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Animal Facts’ Category

Animal Facts! (Minor Breed Duck, Puff Adder, Patas Monkey, Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle)

Minor Breed Duck

Has never been a big fan of forgiveness.

When he looks at a map of Sweden he sees every city as “Hersky-Bersky-Land.”

Only had one fight with his ex-girlfriend. He apologized, then she apologized, then she said, “don’t get pissy – kissy, kissy!,” then he ended things.

Deliberately creates a mess and then re-organizes when nervous. Now tell me that’s not cute.

Liked a certain brand of beer before watching a football game. After seeing 47 ads in three hours for the beer, decided he hated it.

Puff Adder

Fears labels. Not in a relationship-sense, but as in labels identifying food. It’s kinda weird.

You can call him – just don’t call him Al.

Says something really snarky then adds, “ugh, you probably think I’m terrible, right?” Yes, we do.

Wishes he could come up with a cool way to combine the words shark and snark.

Thought the word ‘napkin’ was a mythical creature. Gross. But when you think about it a napkin does sound like it could be a mythical creature.

Patas Monkey

Refers to minorities as “culturally tan people.” It’d be racist if it wasn’t so stupid.

Favorite part of football is when the offense lines up – then they all look over to the sideline. He pretends someone on the sideline yelled, “free candy!”

Could light your cigarette with his sssssmokin’ dance moves.

When his girlfriend is giving him the one-word answers because she’s angry at him, he makes matters worse (but funnier for him) by making the Law & Order “DUNH-DUNH” noise a lot.

Shortly before taking off, asks seatmates, “So why are you heading to Omaha, Nebraska?” He asks this regardless of where they’re heading.

Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle

Goes to the gym just to increase the amount he can conversationally say the word “glutes.”

Posted a ‘missed connection’ ad on craigslist. The missed connection was titled: “pop singers.” The content of the message was: “My fist. Your face.”

Imagines waking up on Christmas to a Lexus with a big bow on it. And his wife smiling, and his looking surprised. And then him yelling, “how the **** are we going to pay for THIS? Are you stupid!?”

Named some of his muscles. I won’t list all of the names but they include: Tom Cruise Missile, Jeff GoldBOOM, Jacked Nicholson, Betty White (a muscle he thinks is stronger than people realize).

“Scrambled eggs made with love” is his specialty. His other specialty is “mixed drinks made with regrettable decisions.”

Advertisements

Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)

Crowned Hornbill

Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.

Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.

Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.

Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.

Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.

Antelope Ground Squirrel

Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.

Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.

Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.

Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.

Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.

Cotton-Top Tamarin

Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.

If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.

For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.

A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.

He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.

Blue-Bellied Roller

Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.

Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.

Jaw-clenches with the best of them.

“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.

Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”

Animal Facts! (Meerkat, Clouded Leopard, Southern Bald Eagle, Conch)

Meerkat


Favorite phrase, by necessity, is “I could’ve sworn someone told me ‘pants optional.'”

Hits on girls by saying even if he can’t touch their treasure CHEST, he’s still going to think about ways to get that BOOTY.

Tickle fight champion of the world.

Makes the best BLT. It’s his own recipe. What he does, see, is leaves off the L and the T. Now, who doesn’t want one of those inspired meals?

After he got his braces off he got sick of everyone asking him how it “feels to have straight teeth!?” He started replying, “try as you might, my teeth will always be gay!”

Clouded Leopard

Is part of a nested state machine, if you know what I mean …

Just spawned some threads, if you catch my drift …

Is implemented with the latest versions, and I think you know what I’m talking about …

Integrates well with your tool suite, and I’ll leave it at that …

Is in the process of revolutionizing embedded systems, if you catch what I’m throwing …

Southern Bald Eagle

Despite all the no’s he’s received – still convinced a transsexual transcontinental airline would be a big hit.

Went on a date with an optometrist and ended the night with a kiss. He quickly said, “one.” Then another kiss, followed by saying “two”. Then he said, “Which is better? Would you like to see one again?” There was no second date.

Is obviously biased towards what is obviously correct. His words, not mine.

His feelings about this could be summed up with just one finger …

About to go bowl his heart out.

Conch

Whenever he walks by a construction site and hears the clanging noises he pretends it’s the world’s worst steel drum band.

Personality best compared to cut off jeans shorts.

Yells out “make mama proud” at the worst possible times. Finds this very, very amusing.

Verifiably fabulous.

Has a pair of black chino pants that he calls his rappachinos. It’s not clever enough to justify the racism, but it’s ok because he’s racist.

Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)

Gorilla

Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.

 

Flamingo

When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.

 

Capybara

When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.

 

Kangaroo

Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

Animal Facts! (Actual Facts?!!?!)

Yesterday I posted some ‘Animal Facts!’ about jaguars.  This post and this post are about jaguars and are also fun.

Anywho.

Part of the jokes about jaguars came when I found the report I did on jaguars in the 4th grade. My cousin E came over (who helped start the series of jaguar posts I’ve done – again it starts here) and I found the report in my room and we browsed through it. It’s 2 pages of … well, you’ll see. His joke was, “did you just write down everything you read in an encyclopedia?”

When we got to the bibliography we realized that – yes, I just wrote down what I read in an encyclopedia.

The favorite line, by far, is “Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.”

This was not a statement in the encyclopedia, but a brilliant conclusion I came to.

Without further ado …

Jaguars

Jaguars live in forests, grasslands, shrubby areas and many other places. Jaguars used to live in parts of the world like Mexico, Central America, South America, Arizona, Southern California, New Mexico and Texas. Now they only live in Mexico, Central and South America.
.
Jaguars eat almost anything. They like deer, fish, wild pigs, tapirs, turtles and capybaras and other rodents. Jaguars hunt mostly on the ground. They usually hunt at night. Jaguars are good swimmers so animals can’t escape into the water. Animals can’t escape up in trees either, because jaguars can catch them there too. Jaguars usually stalk or ambush. Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.
.
Both parents are active in raising their young. They stay together for family protection. Jaguars are endangered. People hunt jaguars for their coat. Others hunt them to keep them off their land.
.
Jaguars measure from five feet to eight and one-half feet long. They have a one and one-half to two and one-half foot tail. They weigh from 150 to 300 pounds. They have a golden or brownish-yellow fur and lots of spots. The spots on their backs and sides are lightly colored and have borders. There is a dark area in the center of each spot. The spots on the head, legs and underside are black. The jaguar has 32 teeth.
.
Jaguars usually live to be about 22 years old. They have one to four kittens each year. The female is usually pregnant for 95 to 110 days. Male and female jaguars live together during mating season. Newborn jaguars weigh one and one-half to two pounds. Jaguars reach full adult size at the age of four years.
.
Some interesting facts about jaguars are: Some Indian tribes considered the jaguar a god. The jaguars scientific name is Leo Onca.
.
Bibliography
1. World Book Encyopledia
2. Book “Jaguars” by Alan Rabinowitz
3. Magazine “Americans” March 4, 1995
.
.
The funny thing about this picture (and the one shown yesterday) is that they are arguably the best parts of the report – and I had a friend draw them for me. Thanks again Michael W., for the awesome pictures.

 

Animal Facts! (Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar)

*This post is motivated by my somewhat real, somewhat joking love of jaguars (the animal – though the car is nice too). For the history, see my twitter account background, @haikustanley or this post. Also this post is fun.

Jaguar – Physical


Friends call him ‘the regulator’ because he regulates other species’ populations.

“Awwwwwww, look it! Ahhh! He’s eating me!” The person who said this was very proud to have been eaten by a jaguar. (I’m guessing.)

“Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.” (A direct quote from my 4th grade report.)

If he had to get a corporate job, it would probably be in sales. That’s not really interesting, just saying.

True story: he went to get a tattoo and the tattoo artist said, “ok, what do you want?” And the jaguar said, “I don’t know. Something that looks cool.” The tattoo artist said, “no problem.” Four hours later the jaguar had a little tattoo of himself.

 

Jaguar – Emotional


Don’t have a fear of commitment, have a commitment to fear.

Have loved, and lost, and danced like nobody’s watching. Haven’t been to Disneyworld though.

Can’t bring themselves to buy a ‘proud parent’ bumper sticker, but the sentiment is all the same.

Has three emotions: badass, sleeping, other. The ‘other’ category has things like fear and sadness and normal stuff like that.

Wake up full of pity. Wait, no, hunger. Sometimes both.

 

Jaguar – Spiritual


The animal version of a job fair. If you think this doesn’t make sense, you’re right.

BOOM! (That’s what they say randomly, spiritually that is.)

If their aura had a noise it would be the song ‘Duel of the Fates.’

The first time a jaguar found out it was revered as a religious symbol it went and told its dad. The dad chuckled and shook his head and said, “son, you just met your first recruiter. Those guys will say anything to get you to join the Marines.”

Give hugs that could kill a man with how much emotional comfort they provide.

 

Jaguar – Bradual


Sometimes lashes out at zookeepers.

Uses the word ‘pounce’ in 4 out of 5 sentences.

Like real jaguars, marks territory with waste or by clawing trees. Unlike real jaguars, dances while he does these things.

Acts on instincts. Neurotic, weird, pizza-loving instincts.

Drools more than should be legally allowed.

 

The Pictures Above

1) Jaguar – Physical: A tiny toy jaguar from the San Antonio zoo. Behind it is a crappy painting I did for my sister.

2) Jaguar – Emotional: A picture of an actual jaguar.

3) Jaguar – Spiritual: A picture from the 4th grade report I did on jaguars. Come back tomorrow to read the report!

4) Jaguar – Bradual: The notebook I used for the report. The 4 stickers were used to cover when I spelled my name wrong.

Animal Facts! (Addax, Peacock, Okapi, Blue and Gold Macaw)

Addax

Finds your narrow-minded opinions more offensive than old people.

Whenever he does a mad lib he picks ‘awesome’d’ for the verb. For example, “Joe awesome’d his way to the store.’

Surprisingly nimble. Only instead of surprising it’s ‘not at all.’ And instead of nimble it’s ‘intelligent.’

At work he has one of those random fact books in his cube. When someone new starts and asks where the fax machine is he takes him to his book and says, “what do you want to know?!” Terrible. Just, terrible.

References former good points he’s made when trying to make a point.

 

Peacock

More crazy than Woody Allen.

Skypes with his grandma.

Wants to get away for the weekend, and only wants to bring three things: a sleeping bag, wine, and you. Oh yeah and a TV. Maybe some Fritos too.

Was on the third season of Mad Men before realizing ‘Mad’ in the title didn’t mean angry.

Has the best sarcastic applause.

 

Okapi

Leaves the funniest voicemails!

Is going to get, “I should’ve picked door number 2” on his epitaph.

Doesn’t ask if you want to see a movie or a flick, asks if you “would like to accompany him to the cinema.” I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you that he doesn’t see movies with friends very often.

Just discovered how to turn garbage into gold! Gold!! GOLD!!!

Even though he’s straight, always ends up with pet names like, ‘buttercup’ or ‘cupcake’ in the relationship.

 

Blue and Gold Macaw

Could eat up his weight in groceries.

“Ugh! Don’t look at me, I am so breaking out right now!”

Was tutored in math starting in the fourth grade. (You didn’t hear it from me, but still failed algebra!)

Name always comes up as misspelled in spellchecker.

Wants to have two boys and two girls. And their names will be Cecil, Curtis, Lisa, and Lesbian. Nah, kidding about that last one. Leslie, not Lesbian.

%d bloggers like this: