The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘My Zombie Roomy’ Category

My Zombie Roomy (11/5/13)

Part 2 (2 of 2)

The Zombie’s Gang and Their Mission or Should I Change My Home Address and Flee Now, or Later?

I had actually noticed that an area just outside apartment was really, REALLY smelly for about a week before the big show down. I had written it off to maybe a raccoon having died just outside the area, or someone had thrown trash out in a random spot rather than in the garbage … I wasn’t sure, and yet I didn’t complain to management about it. I just walked faster from my car to my apartment, and vice versa.

It turns out the stink was the not so unfamiliar stench of the undead. It turns out the Zomb is a really palatable version of that stink though, because the stink outside (from level 3 zombies) was just AWFUL.

One night I came home and was walking to my apartment when the gang of smelly jerks appeared. It felt incredibly dramatic and like a near-death experience at the time, but in hindsight it really was just a big inconvenience. There are three reasons it wasn’t that scary:

1) When something smelly moves toward you, it’s noticeable.

2) When said smelly thing is moving toward you shuffling and groaning, it is really noticeable.

3) I run for fun. I had just happened to come from the gym doing a light workout so if anything I was rearing to go. I saw the pack of zombies, recalled my experience in the woods and booked it. Though I could tell it wasn’t that same group of guys – these guys were much more unkempt … say, that’s probably a fairly easy way to tell level 3s versus 4s. I ran for a while, doing a loop around my complex, got back into my car, and slept at a buddies place that night.

I was afraid for myself and the Zombie. Little did I know what a pivotal step this was in the big “debate” and that the Zombie, at around the same time, was actually having a much worse go of it with the Zombie killer.

But all that comes next week in …

That God Awful Truck or How the Zombie Said Adios to Texas and Hola to Running Over Evil Zombies

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My Zombie Roomy (11/4/13)

Part 2 (1 of 2)

The Zombie’s Gang and Their Mission or Should I Change My Home Address and Flee Now, or Later?

Remember a while back? A loooooong while back? Here, just go to this post and read from there til you get here, that’ll make things easier.

Ok, all caught up? So you know about the Zombino, his pals, how I thought his pals were going to kill me but didn’t, how I came home almost dead but the Zombie saved my life while driving a tacky truck? Good. Good, good, good.

Now for what happened between Zom the Invaders friendship party and my first encounter with a mass of level 3 zombies. (If you skipped the recap and don’t know what that means, I refer the reader to this post.)

I had started to fear that the Zombie would show up and he’d be with his zombie gang (I can only assume he’d be the leader) and I’d learn that they were ganging up to battle vampires or werewolves or some bull crap like that. Oh man, you have no idea how afraid of that I had become.

Instead it turns out the zombies were coming together because there was a bit of a debate amongst the zombie community in the Houston area. Some of them apparently had the impression that something was killing off zombies in this area. Let me rephrase that, they knew that was happening, they just were divided as to what to do about it.

Some in the zombie community had a “the more the merrier” outlook. This sounds pleasant, but trust me, it’s not. They wanted to start infecting as many humans as possible because then that would reduce the odds of those doing the infecting getting killed, and it would increase the odds of them bumping into whatever or whoever was out killing zombies.

The others, like your and my dear old pal the Zomb, wanted to continue to keep a low and “eat” (that is, kill people) sparingly, and not spread the zombie virus. Basically it was a bunch of level 4 zombies versus a bunch of level 3 zombies.

When I had run into the Zombino and his pals in the woods they were meeting to come up with a plan on what to say to convince the level 3s that they had the best plan. It worked! But only on an intellectual level.

You know how some people can meet and you have two opposing viewpoints and side A will deliver an obviously superior argument for how things should go. And then side B says, “oh yeah, your mother” (so to speak) and they go ahead and do whatever they please? That was the level 3 zombies.

You might go so far to say that the level 3 zombies hated losing to such a degree that they decided to start following the Zombino around so that they could find ways to stop him. Unfortunately this led to me.

(Tomorrow will be part 2 of part 2.)

My Zombie Roomy (10/31/13)

You’d think I was a bad roommate, or at least oblivious, based on how little I’ve written about the Zomb. I don’t really have an excuse for the lack of updates … But I promise they will be coming soon (like Monday of next week). Yes, that’s right, Monday will have part 2 of the Great Zombino and I’s Smelly Brush With Death (at least my brush with death, seeing as how he is already fully coated in it).

Today I want to brag about myself though, and what an awesome roommate I am.

There is a drive in movie theatre not too terribly far from where I live and they are showing three horror movies tonight – a Halloween special. As a special gift to my buddy, my pal, we are going there tonight. He doesn’t know it yet but it’s true.

This is a gift for the Zombie for several reasons:

1) He doesn’t have to hide his stink or what he looks like – people will just think it’s a killer costume (Halloween is his favorite holiday, after all … see here, here, or here, oh or here …)

2) He gets to be admired for his amazing costume

3) (Most importantly) We get to wreck some dates! Awesome! The Zombino loves a good joke, so I am sure he will manage to sneak up on some unsuspecting promiscuous minded teenagers out to see some horror movies (Oh I’m so scared … Here I’ll hold you …) and he is going to foul up their plans with his impressive stench.

Happy Halloween everyone!

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.

My Zombie Roomy (5/3/13)

Part 1

Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming

Part 1 of this story is a little theory I have come up with based on the Zombino, zombie friends, and zombie enemies I have met over the past month or so. For this theory, we will look to our dear friend Abraham Maslow.

Layer 1 – Physiological – Yikes. These are zombies you do not want to mess with. You know in zombie movies how there is sometimes that zombie that is just the upper half of the body, and yet it continues to crawl toward you? That’s full-blown physiological state zombie. These guys will kill each other without hesitation if they think another zombie is in their way. Heck, sometimes just for fun I think. But that’s probably my fearful imagination.

Layer 2 – Safety – These zombies will stumble on a human, and they’ll attack together. If it was a group of physiological zombies? They’d kill the human, and at the same time try to kill each other just to have the meal all to itself. So, you’re still dead if you run across some safety state zombies, but know that you’re bringing them together. Awww.

Layer 3 – Love/Belonging – These are the zombies you picture when you picture zombies. Still pretty human. If you saw one for a split second you wouldn’t know it’s a zombie (just a weird, spaced out person). In movies, hordes of zombies gather together outside a building where there are humans inside. That’s because: A) they want dinner; and B) they like the company. Sure, no one admits that (for obvious reasons …) but it’s true.

Here’s the crazy thing about the belonging stage zombies. There is a definite bell curve in the zombie community. 70% of zombies are in this group, and because they hang around other zombies in this group, it keeps them in it. If a zombie gets half blown apart, or they fall behind, they sink to layer 1 (bad times ahead). If, on the other hand, the zombie leaves the group, and it gets to witness humans being good … well …

Layer 4 – Esteem – Now we’re talking. You’ve got a chance with these guys. If an esteem state zombie is coming at you and your child or loved one, and you put yourself in harms way to protect the other person? Bravo, hero, because this zombie will have the human element trigger somewhere in their foul-smelling head and you live to see another day. OR, you get killed quickly and mercifully.

Level 5 – The Great Zombino – Self-Actualization – The Zombino is the only level 5 zombie I met, as far as I could tell. I met a number of level 4 zombies (remember when I ran into that gang in the woods and the Zombie saved me? A bunch of level 4s).

A zombie gets to level 5, I think, by getting away from other zombies, and living life as close to a human as it can. Sure, it still stinks like a zombie, and eats like a zombie (which is troublesome), but level 5 zombies get boundaries. They have a sense of right/wrong for who to eat.

So … now your question should be, wait, when the Zombie was hanging out with all those level 4s … wouldn’t that bring him down a peg? And if a bunch of level 4s hang out together, doesn’t that put them in danger of devolving to level 3s?

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.

My Zombie Roomy (4/22/13)

You know how sometimes you’ll be walking alone at night and you think, “man this is just like a horror movie” and then you think, “no, no, don’t do that.” But at the exact same time you’re thinking that phrase, your brain is also trying to figure out which horror movie villain goes perfectly with that night.

Sort of like how fancy people pair wine with whatever food they’re going to have.

In this case, it turns out that my imagination wasn’t running wild and creating a fearful situation in my head for no good reason, it was a warning that I should run for my life because two zombies were coming for me to kill me.

A classic mistake.

The Zombie, that guy!, it’d been a long while you know (based on the poncho he had in his car – I’ll get to all this – I’m back onto my theory that the Zombie is Mexican or at least Mexican-American). Anywho, the Zombie saved the day, mostly. He came flying up in this big, really loud truck (style, not actual volume) and ran over this thing. The thing turned out to be a zombie who was coming to get me.

Wait – I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself by starting at the end, or the middle, or maybe about 70% of the way into the story.

Let’s back up and re-visit Maslow’s Hierarchy and how it relates to zombies (this comparison is my own, based on the past month or so’s events with the Zombie).

For now I’ll break it up into 4 parts. And I’ll get to those when I’m feeling … you know, less covered in blood (it’s Sunday night and the Zombino and I just got back to my apartment after a rough weekend).

  • Part 1 – Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming
  • Part 2 – The Zombie’s Gang and Their Mission or Should I Change My Home Address and Flee Now, or Later?
  • Part 3 – That God Awful Truck or How the Zombie Said Adios to Texas and Hola to Running Over Evil Zombies
  • Part 4 – This Weekend or How I Lost Four Pounds the Hard Way (Through Crying, Sweating, Puking, and Blood Loss)

My Zombie Roomy (2/26/13)

Still no word from the Zombie. Will I find a group of zombies outside my apartment waiting to devour me? Or will they come over and just hang out and smell up my apartment? Who knows! But, there is a positive and negative from this.

If anyone ever talks about slowly going crazy, I’ll be able to relate really well. That’s the positive. On the negative side … Well, everything else, really.

But let’s not dwell on that! Instead, let’s talk about … Bacon flavored popcorn!

Bacon, one of man’s best friends, but the apartment’s worst enemies (that smell lingers like few can). Another smell lingerer? Popcorn!

While the Zombie has been gone I’ve been relishing these forgotten stinks. Yes, I’m afraid for my life AND I sort of miss the goon, but it’s also nice having my apartment not stink like death.

Why am I making my apartment stink, rather than buying flowers or some other good smelling thing? One, flowers cost more than bacon. Two, bacon is delicious and flowers are (probably) not. Three, the transition back to the stink of death will be less painful this way. See, logical and fun!

I’d stay and write more about my potential impending doom … but I have a sudden craving for kimchi!

My Zombie Roomy (2/15/13)

Where was I? Not literally … but theatrically! Story-ically!

That’s right, I was in the middle of the woods, surrounded by five zombies. Well, one Zombie and four zombies (the Zombino is a friend and way cooler than those other smelly dorks).

The zombie that was just walking up took her place by a tree, as did the zombie who had discovered me.

This created a weird collection of feelings within me. If I drew it in the form of a pie chart, it would look a little something like this:

Zombie Fear

95% Fear … 1% each for the other five. Who doesn’t dig a pie chart!?

As soon as the zombies had taken their places by their trees, the Great Zombino approached me. It was a slow, friendly approach. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he had good intentions.

Then he bared his teeth and came at my neck like a bat out of hell. I opened my mouth wide like I was going to scream but couldn’t find the noise, I was too shocked. My eyes and mouth showed a muted sign of fear. I’m not sure when it started but I also began to cry.

The Zombie stopped just short of my neck, looked up at each of the other zombies in turn and shook his head no. Then he looked at me again, gave me a little nod, and a gentle shove. He was telling me to go home.

(It felt a little rude … I felt bad for all the times I had kicked him out before people had come over to my place. Here I was intruding on he and his friends, and he saves my life. When my friends come over though? I spray him with Febreeze and shoe him. Then I set to work cleaning my apartment like I’ve got in-laws coming to visit.)

That’s it … It’s been a few days and I haven’t seen the Zombie.

Honestly I feel like I should be more afraid for my life, but thankfully I have Netflix so whenever I start to think and analyze the situation, I watch old TV shows.

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