The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Attn: Ellen (11/14/18)

Front

Ellen374a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen374b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Imagine if all the dead presidents came back to see the world we’re in now. They’d probably all be like, ‘brains’ and ‘feed me’ and making creepy guttural noises and stuff.

Really makes you think.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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October 2018 Haiku

October 1 (Monday)
Wrote blog post for work
Corporate DumbFunnery time!
(i.e. a dull post)

October 2 (Tuesday)
Cream and sugar day
Because work coffee is gross
And sugar helps all

October 3 (Wednesday)
Wife and kid leaving
They’re seeing fam in Houston
What will dad do?! Hmm.

October 4 (Thursday)
Zany no kid night!
Did second kayak hangar
Garage, you look gooooood

October 5 (Friday)
Zany no kid night!
Bought myself an absurd gift
It’s Lego time, friends

October 6 (Saturday)
Worked out and ate out
The solo time has been nice …
But missing wife, son

October 7 (Sunday)
Wife and kid returned!
Son saw me, squawked with joy! Then …
Same joy for some car

October 8 (Monday)
Why politicians?
Because we need life to be
More disappointing

October 9 (Tuesday)
I slept through the night!!
(In a pre-fatherhood world
This wouldn’t be news)

October 10 (Wednesday)
Health screening at work
How am I such a baby
Over a pin prick

October 11 (Thursday)
Slouching, put feet up …
And then fell out of my chair
My team’s quite impressed

#graceful

October 12 (Friday)
Afternoon with son
Played in the leaves together
Fun fall memories

October 13 (Saturday)
Son’s starting to climb
Fun to watch but oh, the fear
What new trouble’s this

October 14 (Sunday)
Played in snow today!
Got to watch the munchkin crawl
And sink into snow

October 15 (Monday)
Post work walk with fam
Son says ‘gah’ (or ‘cah’?) at cars!
Does he know that word?!

October 16 (Tuesday)
Son’s going down stairs!
He loves it, too. Climbs up stairs …
Just to go down them

October 17 (Wednesday)
Customer problem
Pft, who wrote this code any …
Ah. Shoot. Wait. My bad.

October 18 (Thursday)
I’ve been working out
Now I can make my pecs move
(And hark! I have pecs!)

October 19 (Friday)
Dreamt about some code
It’s been one of those weeks, friends
So glad it’s Friday

October 20 (Saturday)
Pumpkin patch with kid
Goal: beauty fall pics … Instead:
Squinting at sun

October 21 (Sunday)
Peek-a-boo season
Covers one eye while staring
Almost, kid, almost

October 22 (Monday)
Coming back to work
Without a clue what to try
Oh hi, tough problem

October 23 (Tuesday)
Tree in the front yard
Laughs every time a leaf falls
(Raking is futile)

October 24 (Wednesday)
Windy day today
In my yard yelling at leaves
YOU … SHALL … NOT … PASS … please

October 25 (Thursday)
In public restroom
You ever tempted to shout
“Make me proud you guys!!!”

October 26 (Friday)
Mom’s on a fun trip
It’s kiddo and pops this weekend!
First step: matching tats

October 27 (Saturday)
Today’s fun includes …
Swim lessons, Halloween thing
Red Dead after bed

October 28 (Sunday)
Mom comes home today
Fun stretch of dad and son time
Now to just … Sit. Still.

October 29 (Monday)
Another Monday …
But wait, no! Today! I’ll be …!
Eh, maybe next week

October 30 (Tuesday)
Son woke too early
Dad goes swimming, comes back home
Snooze/cuddle with son

October 31 (Wednesday)
My son’s an ewok
An adorable little
Empire crusher

Attn: Ellen (11/7/18)

Front

Ellen372a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen372b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This is one of the more controversial Star Wars comics because the whole Luke Skywalker plot is him dealing with constipation.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

P.S. Not a great read.

Why am I doing this?

 

Hey Catchy Oldies! … Wait, What?

There’s an oldies station that I like to listen to. It’s fun, it’s full of catchy songs, it’s a simpler time and … wait. Ew. What were those lyrics?

Hey, little girl in the high school sweater
Gee, but I’d like to know you better
Just a-swingin’ your books and chewin’ gum
Lookin’ just like a juicy plum
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, little girl

Kinda … blech, right? I heard this song and kept visualizing an older man having written it, and then a younger man having sung it. But, thankfully, the internet has pointed me to it being written by someone who was 18 at the time (Johnny Chester) and the singer was 21 at the time (Dee Clark).

Still a little pervy. But that’s quite a bit of classic oldies.

Welp. Enjoy your oldies!

Attn: Ellen (10/31/18)

Front

Ellen373a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen373b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

The Monster Mash.

A ‘graveyard smash’ … What does that even mean!?

Also, Happy Halloween!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Ask a Moron: Do I Have Legionnaire’s Disease?

Great question, and I’ve got some great answers.

Are you now, or have you ever been a part of a legion? Then you probably have it. Follow-up question, what is a legion? Again, great question! It’s like a group of guys I think, probably French or into French stuff. Follow-up follow-up, what does it mean to be into French stuff? Do you like cigarettes and looking disdainful, or how about long thin breads? Then yep, you’re into French stuff.

When you hear the word ‘legend’ or ‘legendary’ do you recoil? You probably have legionnaire’s disease. (You are recoiling because the legions that combine to form this evil entity in your body known as Legionnaire are afraid of legendary things happening.)

Wait, you ask, there is an entity in my body known as Legionnaire? I don’t know. Maybe.

How dumb are you, you ask disdainfully? Who’s dumber, me or you, with your stupid legionnaire’s disease?

Am I just some rude jerk? Good question, your mom asked the same … LAST NIGHT.

And now a question for you: why are you walking away from me? Come back. Please. My defense mechanisms are strong and self-defeating and … you’re gone.

LegionnaireFilm.jpg

Do you like this movie? If so, you probably have Legionnaire’s disease.


By Source, Fair use, Link

 

Attn: Ellen (10/24/18)

Front

 

Ellen371a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen371b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

With elections right around the corner here is my current political stance.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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