The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

May 2019 Haiku

May 1 (Wednesday)
Calendar and pics
Lazy with daily haiku
These are my cheat sheets

May 2 (Thursday)
Ring around Rosie
Kid spins then throws himself down
And shouts “DOWN!” with glee

May 3 (Friday)
With one word and tone
The kid can express himself
Highly efficient

May 4 (Saturday)
“Global holiday!”
My wife looks confused then “oh”
(May the Fourth ya know!?)

May 5 (Sunday)
Presentation work
Doing work stuff on weekends
Is always the pits

May 6 (Monday)
This week two things end
Which have been causing me stress
Come on time, fly! (Please)

May 7 (Tuesday)
Morning routine first
Mom gives kiss and hug goodbye
Kid: ‘bye bye mama’

May 8 (Wednesday)
Big presentation
Lots of nerves and stressed out nights
But it’s done! Hooray!

May 9 (Thursday)
Dear self: you busy?
Dear self self: nah, why, what’s up?
Avenger’s date night!

May 10 (Friday)
Wife getting her mom
Solo night: S.N.E.S.
Super Metroid time!

May 11 (Saturday)
Grandma watching kid
Wife and I furniture shop
We’re just so grown up

May 12 (Sunday)
Happy mother’s day!
Especially all you moms
With guns. You scare me.

May 13 (Monday)
What’s that feeling when
A day just ‘happens’? MONDAY!
(That’s corporate humor.)

May 14 (Tuesday)
Kid wakes up early
Chats to himself in his crib
Soothing song to me

May 15 (Wednesday)
Shows have tech all wrong
There’s no constant B.O. … But …
Non-social? Spot on.

May 16 (Thursday)
It’s intern season
Fresh-faced, enthusiastic!
Souls yet to be crushed.

May 17 (Friday)
Wife and I day off!
Zany kid-free day where we’re …
Furniture shopping!

May 18 (Saturday)
To all you new grads
Have cake, high five, whatever
Then get jobs you bums!

May 19 (Sunday)
Sitter is moving
Now to find a new person
To trust with our son

May 20 (Monday)
Kid has changed me lots
Say hi to everything now
Morning, lawn mower!

May 21 (Tuesday)
Kid’s learning to jump
Says ‘hop!,’ goes on tippy toes
It’s adorable.

May 22 (Wednesday)
Playing game with pals
Light knock at window … What the!?
Bunny rescue time!

May 23 (Thursday)
Bunnies in the yard
‘Hop!’ yelled as kid runs at them
They run. ‘Wait wait! ….. FASSSSST!’

May 24 (Friday)
Minnesota trip
For some quality family time
Right on a lake, too!

May 25 (Saturday)
Great day by the lake
Watched folks ski in COLD water
I sipped hot coffee

May 26 (Sunday)
Lots of good fam time
Kiddo following cousins
While they run around

May 27 (Monday)
Many have lost their
Spouse / Parent / Child / Sibling
Must do right by them

May 28 (Tuesday)
Kid built LEGOs up …
Six blocks high! Is that good? Bad?
I just know it’s cute …

May 29 (Wednesday)
Electrician here
“I’m gonna need to do this …”
Is ‘this’ expensive?

May 30 (Thursday)
Hi! I’m the month, May!
And I’m 31 days long!
(Get over it, May)

May 31 (Friday)
Friday daycare treat
School has small packs of gummies
‘Gummies!’ said with glee

Executing the Plan

Here I am in the middle of my first mission with HURLY BURLY, this secretive and evil group bent on world domination BUT ANYWAY that’s not the point.

So here we were, right? We just stole this painting that had secretly encoded into it a pattern discovered by a 4th century Mongolian mathematician … Clive, I think? Wait that doesn’t sound right.

Anyway we were about to leave having TOTALLY just hijacked this painting and no one had heard a thing and it was, like, just perfect you know? And then this guy shows up and somehow he managed to be in shadows the whole time he walked in even though we all had flashlights.

Turns out it was the head of HURLY BURLY (our secret evil organization, remember?) and he began this long speech about how we had just taken a great step toward world domination and it was really exciting to have him be there and all but … I mean … shouldn’t we get going? Our plan is sort of falling by the wayside here, chief.

But then this guy, this member of the crew I was on, he piped up and said something smarmy about how he had already been taking steps for years and the chief just freaking shoots him!

Oh my God, it was terrible.

And then the chief says all nonchalant, ‘any more questions?’

But here’s the thing – I DEFINITELY have a question! Because I have to pee really, really, really badly and it’s like … how much longer you going to be speaking, chief? Because we’ve still got to sneak out of here undetected and there’s only so much focus you can put on sneaking when you’ve got a full bladder.

And! And! Now that I am thinking about my bladder I am not even hearing his motivational speech about world domination.

But like … please can you take questions? Can you give us some sort of, ‘and wrapping up …’ kind of indication in your speech? I mean I want to be a top player in HURLY BURLY and all but I also don’t want to pee myself in this museum with this crazy painting.

Ok well I should probably stop texting you I think the chief just noticed even though I totally have the screen dimmed way low.

April 2019 Haiku

April 1 (Monday)
April Fool’s Day tricks
Read some nonsense and bought it
(Felt like Donald Trump)

April 2 (Tuesday)
First jog in long time
And holy cow this is tough
Jog … Why? What’d I do?

April 3 (Wednesday)
Daycare ‘incident’
Description always says ‘friend’
Friends don’t scratch friends, man!

April 4 (Thursday)
Basement progressing
Now when I’m at stores I stare
Awed at new TVs

April 5 (Friday)
Work self-assessment
How am I doing? Oh, fine.
But, Dickens word count …

April 6 (Saturday)
Swim lessons with son
He mostly just stares in awe
…Sometimes blows bubbles

April 7 (Sunday)
Beautiful day out
Bought a dump truck toy for kid
So watch yourself, dirt.

April 8 (Monday)
My bosses last week
Goodbye drinks, and they’re her treat?
Don’t mind if I do!

April 9 (Tuesday)
70 plus out
Jogging with shorts and tshirt
Tomorrow: blizzard

April 10 (Wednesday)
Snow coming down fast
Beautiful to admire
Dreading the drive home

April 11 (Thursday)
Nature’s snow coated
Can’t help but take a deep breath
And appreciate

April 12 (Friday)
Basement work going
Kid thinks it’s me making noise
Keeps calling “dada!!”

April 13 (Saturday)
The spring tradition
Hunker down in the winter
Meet neighbors in spring

April 14 (Sunday)
Walking up to store
Forgot something. Say ‘aw nuts’
Son starts chant: ‘aw nuts’

April 15 (Monday)
Boss has now moved on
Now I’m the team’s scrum master
Ah! What … non-power

April 16 (Tuesday)
Walk with the toddler
He plants himself and says ‘NO!’
Aw! Darling! … Tough break

April 17 (Wednesday)
18 year old girl
Denver schools shut down for fear
So … Gun laws talk time?

April 18 (Thursday)
To be a young lad
Son and I sat by big road
He *LOVED* all big trucks

April 19 (Friday)
Kids egged park by house
Egg something better! Like pans …
Maybe add cheese, too.

April 20 (Saturday)
Kid’s into singing
The words are so so at best
But the boy has soul!

April 21 (Sunday)
Afternoon storm hits
Quick! Time to try out rain boots!
(Dad loves photo ops)

April 22 (Monday)
Tough bug I’m working
Also stumped by side project
My old friend: defeat

April 23 (Tuesday)
Teammates are in town
Today lunch AND brewery
Productive? Work? Huh?

April 24 (Wednesday)
Co-worker told me
Phone as good as in person
My face said: uh, no

April 25 (Thursday)
Kiddo tried chili
‘Hot, hot.’ Small dance. Licks his lips.
Then … Another bite.

April 26 (Friday)
Short notice meeting
Says: ‘new work, starting Monday’
Well … That’s calming news

April 27 (Saturday)
Great treat recently
Kid is waking up slowly
And babbles a lot

April 28 (Sunday)
Big aquarium
Applause, woahhs, pointing, dancing
The kid. Is. A. Fan.

April 29 (Monday)
More details on work
Less dramatic than Friday
(Kinda fun stuff, too)

April 30 (Tuesday)
Ignore the new work!
Finish up our dull testing!
… Yeah … That’ll work out

(Whistles) What a fox!

Can we take a second to talk about this phrase? Were people worried the first time they heard it? What about the first guy who saw a lady and said, ‘woah! what a fox!’ … And when he said that what he meant was, ‘woah! what an attractive lady!’

Was that guy … ok?

No. Probably not.

He was, APPARENTLY, into foxes. And one day he was out and about and he saw a lady who was maybe a redhead and sporting some furs or something and he thought, ‘that is the most fox-like woman I’ve ever met – FINALLY! My weird sexual proclivities can be met!’

But why did it catch on? Shouldn’t the people around him have said, ‘ew … Dave. Guy, NEVER use the word foxy as a compliment. It’s just (shudders) Dave stuff.’

And yet here we are, calling women foxy, creating unrealistic beauty standards for foxes and/or women. I’m not sure who has it worse. When it comes to Dave, foxes have it worse.

brown and white fox on green grass land

Photo by monicore on Pexels.com

Attn: Ellen (5/8/19)

Front

 

Ellen398a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen398b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I hate Trump, but hopefully one day I can look back and reflect on the unique experience of living through the worst presidency in the history of the U.S.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

20 Months, Or … AW NUTS!

Well friends it’s that time again. An update on the little monster. He is now clocking in at about 2.5 feet tall (it’s just funny to say that) and … whatever he weighs … and he’s a big 20 month old. At this point I think people are staring at me a little confused when I say his age, as though they’re saying, ‘wait … what’s that mean?’ Maybe after 18 months you’re supposed to just say ‘a little over a year and a half’ until it’s ‘almost two.’ Come on, people. It’s math. Just do it.

I mentioned to my wife the other day that I thought my lists of fun ‘new’ stuff or noteworthy things has seemed to ebb and flow in recent months. One month the list will have twenty things, the next month just ten. Things are apparently happening in more of a spurt fashion these days. And this month was a packed one. LOTS of fun new language stuff for the most part, but also some physical things, too.

Let’s split it up into language, physical, and other.

My wife and I have been pretty good about reading to the kiddo and it is helping with language I think. The kiddo loves looking at a few magazines we have (my wife gets some psychology related ones due to her work) so we will look at the pictures and ask him to point stuff out. Lately I have been trying to get him to point to a picture and I say what it is … but that isn’t too predictable. Anyway, it is so fun to have him name things. I am generally a chatterbox when I am doing something with him, narrating or naming things like the world’s least interesting documentary. It’s been like this since he was born. And now, all the sudden, I say, ‘can you point to the pen?’ and boom, he points to a pen a lady is holding in a picture. HE KNOWS PEN! It’s just crazy because I have no concept for what he does and does not know and now I finally get a little insight into his knowledge.

Beyond being able to identify things he is also trying a LOT more with language now. The other night I said a bunch of friend’s names to see if he could say them all and he tried, one after one, to say each name. It was adorable and impressive. Two words that are especially cute and enjoyable to hear are yes (almost a yesh) and turtle. Although the poor kiddo has picked up on old mom and dad’s habit of yeah instead of yes, and yeah is unquestionably much less cute to hear.

He’s also doing a lot more random babbling with words mixed in. He picked up my phone and said, ‘hello? buzza buzza buja ba? ja ba?’ Or … something. It’s some impression of a native English speaker that he’s doing. It’s a pretty bad impression, but getting better day by day.

Outside of words he had a sudden uptick in sign language, too. ‘More’ was suddenly used for more than just asking for more food … it is also showing up at the playground. I would be pushing him on the swing when he’d sign to me, and say, ‘more? more?’ Buddy. I’m already pushing. You don’t need to ask for more.

One funny thing that he has been doing for a while is nodding yes which seems to also cover good? I hope at least. ‘How was school?’ Nods yes. ‘Did you sleep well?’ Nods yes. The yes nod sure can be an answer for a lot more things than I had ever been using it for. Maybe it’s time I up my communication game at work.

One fantastic and delightful new language thing is singing! I was singing frere jacques one day to him (or at least the first two lines, because that’s all I know) and then HE started SINGING IT BACK! He really has the jacques part down but the rest is sort of babble, but it’s all to the tune. ‘Bah rah jacques bah du da da jacques.’ Actually as I was writing that I’m realizing he throws in jacques a lot … but he’s got the beat of the first line mastered.

Last but not least on the language side of things was some education for dear old dad. You see, I learned this past month that I say ‘aw nuts’ a lot. How do I know this? Because my son now says ‘aw nuts’ a lot. I looked in the fridge for some milk and didn’t spot any so I said, ‘aw nuts’ and my son, in my arms at that moment, repeated it. I thought, ‘that’s funny … I’ll have to try to get him to do that for [my wife].’ Well, try not, friendo, it is readily available. Walking up to a grocery store I forgot something and said, ‘aw nuts’ and so in the three of us marched, the kiddo chanting, ‘aw nuts! aw nuts! aw nuts!’ all the while. And one morning this past week the little guy woke up a little early, sat in bed jabbering to himself, which included several minutes of yelling, ‘AW NUTS! AW NUTS! AW NUTS!’ Little pitchers indeed have big ears.

Now on to the Olivia Newton-John segment.

A very sweet new M.O. for reading books is the kiddo climbing into your lap. A less sweet, more demanding side to this is that if I am laying flat on the ground he will walk up by my head, grab my shirt and pull upwards while saying either ‘up’ or ‘move’ over and over. He isn’t satisfied til I am sitting where he has a lap to sit on, and then we may begin the ‘boop’ which is the new word for book (I swear he said that word more correctly two or three months ago).

A less ideal habit the little monster had for a while (we came up with a good solution) was really enjoying getting any box or container out of the food pantry and wandering while shoving his dirty little hands deep inside to fish out a few snacks. This was bad for a few reasons but boy was the dog a fan. My wife had the bright realization that he just enjoyed being able to fish his own snacks out. So we took to buying those little boxes of raisins or little goldfish packages, and we’ve since graduated onto some reusable snack cups that are kid friendly. It’s the munchkin snack catcher, and I’d recommend it.

Another big and exciting step forward is with drinking. The kiddo now occasionally drinks out of a ‘grown up’ cup all by himself. This usually ends up in a fairly wet dog below, and a soaked shirt, but hey – progress! The day I get to stop cleaning those annoying little sippy cups with all their little parts will be a happy day.

Lately we have had a great post-work routine going which involves the Mrs. and I getting home and taking a walk (sometimes my wife goes for a jog) and hitting the nearby park. I decided it was imperative the kiddo had a dump truck (because I am a little child and will buy him toys that I too want) so the dump truck and rocks or sand have been pretty consistent companions since the day that truck was purchased. I am currently saying ‘excavator’ or ‘digger’ a lot to really push my wife to say ‘hey I went ahead and bought an excavator toy to go with the dump truck.’ (We spoil him with toys, and I bought the dump truck so … I’m going to let my wife make the next purchase there since how can I complain about us spoiling him when I’m 50% of the problem?)

One day recently I noticed something very sweet with the kiddo. There’s an area near us with some good little incline/decline walking (which is great exercise and walking practice for the fella). I had squatted down taking a video of the little guy exploring and enjoying the day when he stuck his right arm up clear in the air as though raising his hand to ask a question … I realized, ‘oh, he wants me to pop my finger in there to hold his hand.’ After a few seconds of walking like that he stopped and looked around to find me. I thought oh geez, this kid is clearly spoiled. He is so used to raising a hand and my hand appearing in his almost instantaneously. I told my mom about how this kid gets too much constant hovering attention from me and she reframed it as he gets to feel very secure. Phew, good save mom. But … yeah … he is showered with attention.

Now onto the other portion.

This one could qualify as a physical I suppose but I think of it more as a mental jump that is pretty fun. Normally I do daycare drop-off and my wife does the pickup. One day I was doing pickup but instead of coming over to me he looked up, saw me, stood up and walked over to his cubby. I stared, surprised, because normally he’s excited to see me but that day he seemed indifferent. But wait! He was just one step ahead of me! He grabbed a mitten, his jacket, and then immediately sat down and started trying to put his jacket on (he can’t actually do that yet). It was amazing! Go kiddo! He knew the routine and wanted to get a jump on it. One of the daycare folks also said he will often go and sit by the door around the time my wife arrives and start to say ‘mama’ a bunch. Smart fella.

Thinking back to the mimic stuff with language of all sorts … that also extends to behavior, too. One day the kiddo and I were at Target and I was looking for something specific for him. I was holding him and walking along patting different clothes, or pointing to them, saying ‘nope … nope … nope.’ The kiddo started squirming so I set him on the ground only to see him continue the routine … walking around the clothing, patting it, and saying ‘nope! nope! nope!’ Oh my funny little circus house mirror.

Lately the kiddo is fulfilling ‘stereotypical little boy practice #2704a – a LOVE of trucks.’ He and I went and parked by something so I could take some pictures of him and let him roam (it is a pretty spot). It also happens to be near a big road which proved to be the real winner that day. He stood and stared at the road for a little bit, taking it all in, before he stood up and decided to make it interactive. Around that time a few 18 wheeler trucks and maybe some construction vehicles drove by because he started going NUTS! Waving frantically, trying to greet all these vehicles, standing and dancing with joy (this funny sort of shaking dance he does), blowing kisses … just overwhelmed with delight at all these cars. It was hysterical.

Ok. Now from stereotypical little boy stuff to some thoughts on that.

We have a really nice neighborhood park and some nights there’s a flag football team that practices there. The boys all look like 3rd graders (or so?) and I imagine they all live near here which makes the team incredibly convenient for the parents. Watching some of the boys it makes me think of myself at that age. Not as in I would’ve been on that team, but as in those would’ve been the boys I made fun of quietly with my friends, while they made fun of my friends and me out loud, in front of everyone. The age old nerd vs jock. This made sense … but it also surprised me a little. Part of me feels like there is more awareness of how awful bullies are and the impact of them, and there are more ‘new age’ kinds of parents who let their boys play with ‘girl toys’ and things like that. But boy, watching these kids interact it reminds me that while there may be more awareness, knowledge and execution using said knowledge are two different things. The coach is especially representative of the type of guy I would like to see disappear. He makes fun of the boys to ‘motivate’ them. Asks who let a girl on the team, that kind of stupidity. And the boys themselves are quick to pick up on machismo … walking up to practice ‘adjusting’ themselves. Boy. Please. What do you have to adjust, child? It just strikes me as a bunch of boys pretending to be men who never got stable or comfortable enough with themselves to be anything but a series of stereotypical cliches.

On that note, we bought a pink shopping cart for the kiddo (full of fun foods to shop for). Why the hell is grocery shopping pink? Boys don’t grocery shop?

Oh, society.

Anywho, our little fella will hopefully embrace and be comfortable with a much less rigid look at what it is to be male vs female. Because, frankly, it’s pretty easy to be a stereotypical male, and I’d like him to do better than that.

Update on Life Goal

Quick update on my life goal to be cooler.

You know how some food things might say they’re fresh or even a bold claim like ‘freshness guaranteed’? I bought a t-shirt that said that because I thought, oh boy, now THIS is what I call cool.

I got dressed one day, and I was feeling pretty good so I changed into that freshness guaranteed shirt and my toddler son threw up on me.

Pretty major set back.

Freshness not guaranteed guys.

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