The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

May 2019 Haiku

May 1 (Wednesday)
Calendar and pics
Lazy with daily haiku
These are my cheat sheets

May 2 (Thursday)
Ring around Rosie
Kid spins then throws himself down
And shouts “DOWN!” with glee

May 3 (Friday)
With one word and tone
The kid can express himself
Highly efficient

May 4 (Saturday)
“Global holiday!”
My wife looks confused then “oh”
(May the Fourth ya know!?)

May 5 (Sunday)
Presentation work
Doing work stuff on weekends
Is always the pits

May 6 (Monday)
This week two things end
Which have been causing me stress
Come on time, fly! (Please)

May 7 (Tuesday)
Morning routine first
Mom gives kiss and hug goodbye
Kid: ‘bye bye mama’

May 8 (Wednesday)
Big presentation
Lots of nerves and stressed out nights
But it’s done! Hooray!

May 9 (Thursday)
Dear self: you busy?
Dear self self: nah, why, what’s up?
Avenger’s date night!

May 10 (Friday)
Wife getting her mom
Solo night: S.N.E.S.
Super Metroid time!

May 11 (Saturday)
Grandma watching kid
Wife and I furniture shop
We’re just so grown up

May 12 (Sunday)
Happy mother’s day!
Especially all you moms
With guns. You scare me.

May 13 (Monday)
What’s that feeling when
A day just ‘happens’? MONDAY!
(That’s corporate humor.)

May 14 (Tuesday)
Kid wakes up early
Chats to himself in his crib
Soothing song to me

May 15 (Wednesday)
Shows have tech all wrong
There’s no constant B.O. … But …
Non-social? Spot on.

May 16 (Thursday)
It’s intern season
Fresh-faced, enthusiastic!
Souls yet to be crushed.

May 17 (Friday)
Wife and I day off!
Zany kid-free day where we’re …
Furniture shopping!

May 18 (Saturday)
To all you new grads
Have cake, high five, whatever
Then get jobs you bums!

May 19 (Sunday)
Sitter is moving
Now to find a new person
To trust with our son

May 20 (Monday)
Kid has changed me lots
Say hi to everything now
Morning, lawn mower!

May 21 (Tuesday)
Kid’s learning to jump
Says ‘hop!,’ goes on tippy toes
It’s adorable.

May 22 (Wednesday)
Playing game with pals
Light knock at window … What the!?
Bunny rescue time!

May 23 (Thursday)
Bunnies in the yard
‘Hop!’ yelled as kid runs at them
They run. ‘Wait wait! ….. FASSSSST!’

May 24 (Friday)
Minnesota trip
For some quality family time
Right on a lake, too!

May 25 (Saturday)
Great day by the lake
Watched folks ski in COLD water
I sipped hot coffee

May 26 (Sunday)
Lots of good fam time
Kiddo following cousins
While they run around

May 27 (Monday)
Many have lost their
Spouse / Parent / Child / Sibling
Must do right by them

May 28 (Tuesday)
Kid built LEGOs up …
Six blocks high! Is that good? Bad?
I just know it’s cute …

May 29 (Wednesday)
Electrician here
“I’m gonna need to do this …”
Is ‘this’ expensive?

May 30 (Thursday)
Hi! I’m the month, May!
And I’m 31 days long!
(Get over it, May)

May 31 (Friday)
Friday daycare treat
School has small packs of gummies
‘Gummies!’ said with glee

Executing the Plan

Here I am in the middle of my first mission with HURLY BURLY, this secretive and evil group bent on world domination BUT ANYWAY that’s not the point.

So here we were, right? We just stole this painting that had secretly encoded into it a pattern discovered by a 4th century Mongolian mathematician … Clive, I think? Wait that doesn’t sound right.

Anyway we were about to leave having TOTALLY just hijacked this painting and no one had heard a thing and it was, like, just perfect you know? And then this guy shows up and somehow he managed to be in shadows the whole time he walked in even though we all had flashlights.

Turns out it was the head of HURLY BURLY (our secret evil organization, remember?) and he began this long speech about how we had just taken a great step toward world domination and it was really exciting to have him be there and all but … I mean … shouldn’t we get going? Our plan is sort of falling by the wayside here, chief.

But then this guy, this member of the crew I was on, he piped up and said something smarmy about how he had already been taking steps for years and the chief just freaking shoots him!

Oh my God, it was terrible.

And then the chief says all nonchalant, ‘any more questions?’

But here’s the thing – I DEFINITELY have a question! Because I have to pee really, really, really badly and it’s like … how much longer you going to be speaking, chief? Because we’ve still got to sneak out of here undetected and there’s only so much focus you can put on sneaking when you’ve got a full bladder.

And! And! Now that I am thinking about my bladder I am not even hearing his motivational speech about world domination.

But like … please can you take questions? Can you give us some sort of, ‘and wrapping up …’ kind of indication in your speech? I mean I want to be a top player in HURLY BURLY and all but I also don’t want to pee myself in this museum with this crazy painting.

Ok well I should probably stop texting you I think the chief just noticed even though I totally have the screen dimmed way low.

April 2019 Haiku

April 1 (Monday)
April Fool’s Day tricks
Read some nonsense and bought it
(Felt like Donald Trump)

April 2 (Tuesday)
First jog in long time
And holy cow this is tough
Jog … Why? What’d I do?

April 3 (Wednesday)
Daycare ‘incident’
Description always says ‘friend’
Friends don’t scratch friends, man!

April 4 (Thursday)
Basement progressing
Now when I’m at stores I stare
Awed at new TVs

April 5 (Friday)
Work self-assessment
How am I doing? Oh, fine.
But, Dickens word count …

April 6 (Saturday)
Swim lessons with son
He mostly just stares in awe
…Sometimes blows bubbles

April 7 (Sunday)
Beautiful day out
Bought a dump truck toy for kid
So watch yourself, dirt.

April 8 (Monday)
My bosses last week
Goodbye drinks, and they’re her treat?
Don’t mind if I do!

April 9 (Tuesday)
70 plus out
Jogging with shorts and tshirt
Tomorrow: blizzard

April 10 (Wednesday)
Snow coming down fast
Beautiful to admire
Dreading the drive home

April 11 (Thursday)
Nature’s snow coated
Can’t help but take a deep breath
And appreciate

April 12 (Friday)
Basement work going
Kid thinks it’s me making noise
Keeps calling “dada!!”

April 13 (Saturday)
The spring tradition
Hunker down in the winter
Meet neighbors in spring

April 14 (Sunday)
Walking up to store
Forgot something. Say ‘aw nuts’
Son starts chant: ‘aw nuts’

April 15 (Monday)
Boss has now moved on
Now I’m the team’s scrum master
Ah! What … non-power

April 16 (Tuesday)
Walk with the toddler
He plants himself and says ‘NO!’
Aw! Darling! … Tough break

April 17 (Wednesday)
18 year old girl
Denver schools shut down for fear
So … Gun laws talk time?

April 18 (Thursday)
To be a young lad
Son and I sat by big road
He *LOVED* all big trucks

April 19 (Friday)
Kids egged park by house
Egg something better! Like pans …
Maybe add cheese, too.

April 20 (Saturday)
Kid’s into singing
The words are so so at best
But the boy has soul!

April 21 (Sunday)
Afternoon storm hits
Quick! Time to try out rain boots!
(Dad loves photo ops)

April 22 (Monday)
Tough bug I’m working
Also stumped by side project
My old friend: defeat

April 23 (Tuesday)
Teammates are in town
Today lunch AND brewery
Productive? Work? Huh?

April 24 (Wednesday)
Co-worker told me
Phone as good as in person
My face said: uh, no

April 25 (Thursday)
Kiddo tried chili
‘Hot, hot.’ Small dance. Licks his lips.
Then … Another bite.

April 26 (Friday)
Short notice meeting
Says: ‘new work, starting Monday’
Well … That’s calming news

April 27 (Saturday)
Great treat recently
Kid is waking up slowly
And babbles a lot

April 28 (Sunday)
Big aquarium
Applause, woahhs, pointing, dancing
The kid. Is. A. Fan.

April 29 (Monday)
More details on work
Less dramatic than Friday
(Kinda fun stuff, too)

April 30 (Tuesday)
Ignore the new work!
Finish up our dull testing!
… Yeah … That’ll work out

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