The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

How Old Am I?

I have a series of facts, and each one will make me older.

  • Recently I was at one of my favorite stores, Costco.
  • I was browsing the clothing section of Costco.
  • I noticed a pair of jeans, AND they had my size! I decided to buy them.
  • I took the jeans home, tried them on, they fit well.
  • I bought a second pair of the exact same jeans. From Costco.
  • And, honestly, I wouldn’t mind a third pair. (Jeans that fit me well are a rare breed.)



February Haiku

February 1 (Thursday)
I have a knack for
Searching out complex fixes
Confusing myself

February 2 (Friday)
Attended a class
As coworker likes to say:
“There went that hour”

February 3 (Saturday)
Guys! Guys guys guys GUYS!
I found a new pair of jeans!
Sad. But I am jazzed.

February 4 (Sunday)
For my wife’s birthday
She got a crappy drawing!
(For nail salon trip)

February 5 (Monday)
Wife’s mom coming in
Maternity leave is done
Tears for everyone!

February 6 (Tuesday)
Wife’s first day back – good!
And the kid and grandmother
Had a good day, too!

February 7 (Wednesday)
Fashion show at home
Grandma treated wife and kid
To some sweet new threads

February 8 (Thursday)
Toastmasters event
Open house to get new folks
Embrace speech nerddom

February 9 (Friday)
Time slows to a crawl
Work on Friday afternoon
The bane of my life

February 10 (Saturday)
Snow falling outside
Inside: Harry Potter and
Kid napping on me

February 11 (Sunday)
Would it be so bad
If son can’t sleep sans cuddles?
(Well … at age 10 … yeah)

February 12 (Monday)
My mom is in town
Sadly, not to buy me stuff
But to be yamma!

February 13 (Tuesday)
Yamma’s on duty
Watching kiddo while his folks
Make dolla bills ya’ll

February 14 (Wednesday)
It’s Valentine’s day
When your heart diarrheas
Romance all over

February 15 (Thursday)
Watching Olympics
The pressure they face – unreal
I would be a wreck

February 16 (Friday)
Got home from work to
Hang with my son, wife, and mom
I’m dull, and life’s grand

February 17 (Saturday)
New sleep plan today
I’m prepared for him crying
(And me crying too)

February 18 (Sunday)
Kid sees the pattern
Cries when seeing nap routine
SMART! (and heartbreaking)

February 19 (Monday)
Damen und herren
I ordered German kids books
Slow, steady progress!

February 20 (Tuesday)
Babysitting day!
Kiddo and dad (that’s me!) day
While mom works (sucker)

February 21 (Wednesday)
Happy Valentine’s!
Oh. Oh no no no. You guys.
I’ve made a mistake.

February 22 (Thursday)
Golden age is here
Kid’s happy, sleeps at night and
Is not yet mobile

February 23 (Friday)
Donuts origin:
A way of saying sorry
For boring meetings

February 24 (Saturday)
From a book I read
Pronouns are tough for babies
So it’s Toys “R” Dad

February 25 (Sunday)
Dear Lego careers
I have a job but … you know …
Feel free to call me

February 26 (Monday)
Sci-fi character? Or a
Word meaning dry mouth?

February 27 (Tuesday)
Day with the kiddo!
Full of mush and affection
And too short cat naps

February 28 (Wednesday)
Worked from home … at night!
I’d be a workaholic
But that sounds awful


2017 February Haiku

Fight Fire With Fire

Firefighters actually CAN and DO fight fire with fire. Strategic burns to remove very dry wood, or burning areas so a wildfire has less to go on when reaching those areas. It’s effective.

The NRA wants to fight gun violence by making more guns readily available to children (not their intended consequence, but an inevitable consequence).

What are other famous failures in fighting fire with fire?

Doctor: It’s cancer … And I’m afraid it’s quite advanced
Patient: I’m ready to fight it, doc!
Doctor: Great! I’m going to inject a different form of cancer in your body … They’ll duke it out!
Patient: Uhh … But aren’t all forms of cancer potentially deadly?
Doctor: Yeah, but my hope is this cancer will only be deadly toward other deadly stuff …

Trump’s lawyer: You have no money, you need to stop spending money
Trump: But what if I just keep spending and declare bankruptcy and start over? Again and again?
(Ok well, this is a bad example because somehow this has worked for him)

Community leaders: The gang violence is out of control! There are just too many gangs!
Especially stupid community leaders: Say …


It does seem, though, that when firefighters use fire it is because something is already out of hand and there is a crisis. Generally, water saves the day. Are schools at that kind of crisis point? I don’t think so, but it is certainly past the time when common sense should’ve kicked in. Toys aren’t worth human lives.


Attn: Ellen (2/28/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Remember the old ‘cotton – the fabric of our lives’ ad? If I was silk (and I recognize that’s a weird statement) I would have a rebuttal ad, ‘silk – the fabric of the life you wish you had.’ After all, it’s a well known fact that silk is cotton’s wealthy aunt.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?



January 2018 Daily Haiku

January 1 (Monday)
All day in PJs
2018 starts with
Lots of lazinnes

January 2 (Tuesday)
Back to work today
As in my back’s turned to work!
Nah. I’m here. It stinks.

January 3 (Wednesday)
Reading bad sci-fi
Author made himself hero
Who girls can’t resist

January 4 (Thursday)
Slept on my forearm
So numb and asleep that I
Hit myself with it

January 5 (Friday)
Didn’t bring my lunch
New cafeteria food
… Same as the old stuff

January 6 (Saturday)
NFL playoffs
A new chance to hate the Pats
Let me count the ways

January 7 (Sunday)
The commercial trend
With ‘real people’ talking cars
Is dull and painful

January 8 (Monday)
‘Innovation’ sprint
Get to code a fun idea
Embracing nerd-dom

January 9 (Tuesday)
I’m overreaching
At first do this, this, and this
Now? Just this is fine

January 10 (Wednesday)
My night time routine
Humming a song on repeat
Bore my son to sleep

January 11 (Thursday)
New business idea
“Go where Trump isn’t”

January 12 (Friday)
*Draws karate dude*
“Yeah,I guess you could say that …
“I do martial arts”

January 13 (Saturday)
4:30 dinner
Opposite happy hour:
It’s all fams with kids

January 14 (Sunday)
Son woke up crying
I walk up, he sees me, grins
He owns me. And knows.

January 15 (Monday)
It’s MLK Day
Reminder: smart folks, and hope
Can bring good changes

January 16 (Tuesday)
Python class day one
First half: great stuff! Second half:
Brain starting to hurt

January 17 (Wednesday)
Python class day two
Aha! I get that concept!
Next chap.: Brain re-breaks

January 18 (Thursday)
Python class day three
Learned lots. Ready to break stuff!
Hellooooo ugly code!

January 19 (Friday)
When: bout 4am
What: son cried, picked up, *smiles*
Mood: flattered, annoyed

January 20 (Saturday)
Went to a kids store
Found anniversary gift
They even wrapped it

January 21 (Sunday)
Snowstorm hit last night
Friend visiting from Houston
…Wants to shovel? Sweet.

January 22 (Monday)
Demo my ‘fun’ work
Look if you follow THIS path
Works great! … Don’t click that.

January 23 (Tuesday)
Intro to Go class
I’m having flashbacks to C
But I’m less afraid

January 24 (Wednesday)
Three years of good with the wife
(And now a kid, too!)

January 25 (Thursday)
Last night kid slept great
Perhaps a gift from God of …
Keeping Folks Guessing

January 26 (Friday)
Burrito bar night
I dedicate this night to
Eating far too much

January 27 (Saturday)
Put the kid to bed
Watch Arrested D with wife
Hanging out sans kid!!

January 28 (Sunday)
Let’s go for a walk!
(Sun disappears, wind comes out)
Why are we outside?

January 29 (Monday)
Dear bands of the world
Can I create your next vid?
For real. I’d love that.

January 30 (Tuesday)
“Just pick the UI
“Write code. Change it if needed.”
*Throwaway code starts*

January 31 (Wednesday)
Should all companies
Force a monthly dance party?
I foresee no qualms


Decision Tree – Should I Riot?

Recently the Philadelphia Eagles won the super bowl. I was, and am, happy for them (but honestly, more happy the Pats lost). But, Eagles fans … I apologize. I should’ve provided you with this before the big day … but I had no confidence in your ability to win. (New Englanders would’ve taken a victory in stride as it is par for the course for them.)

Next time, <unexpected victorious city>, check this out first!



Attn: Ellen (2/21/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think this is the Winter Olympics where the IOC finally admits the biathlon is really just a spy proving game? Who else but James Bond needs to cross country ski to a locale, shoot a gun with precision, then ski away?

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?


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