The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

He’s a Pedophile, But …

If you’re in Alabama and heading to the polls this Tuesday, you’ve got a big decision. The pedophile, or the Democrat. This is, apparently, not an easy decision. Perhaps you are a Roy Moore fan and have just a smidgen of guilt. Don’t worry, we here at DumbFunnery have you covered. If we left off any of your ‘but …’ rationale, email us at DumbFunnery@gmail.com, comment on this post, or tweet us @DumbFunnery.

He’s a pedophile, but …

  • Boy does he have nice hats!
  • At least he’s not into children! By the way, what does pedophile mean?
  • Therapists need money too – and he’s helping create a huge base of people who need therapy. This is trickle down economics at its finest!
  • We all have our faults! For example, I can be gassy.
  • He clearly cares deeply about the children.

Go out, delude yourself into thinking all of the allegations are false, and vote with a clear conscious. Or, don’t be a crazy person, and vote for the non-pedophile.

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Christmas Shopping Help

Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got some of your shopping done but you’re still missing gifts for a few people. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re the people who are the most difficult to buy for.

Don’t worry. We here at DumbFunnery have scoured the internet, obtained access to your emails, stalked your social media posts and know an alarming amount about you and your family. Not as much as Google knows about you, or Facebook, but still an unsettling amount.

Your Dad
Membership to the ‘Show Us You’re Nuts’ club which sends various nuts and inappropriate jokes every month

Your Mom
A punching bag, trust us, she needs this

Your Neighbor Who Did You That Big Favor and You’re Like, Do We Get Them Something?
A framed photo of you in a crop top

Your Brother-in-Law
A couple thousand dollars would save him from a broken leg, otherwise some good magazines to read in the hospital

Your Great Uncle Smimby
Monogrammed hand towels, and the nice thing is he’s not terribly concerned about if they are his initials or not

There you go, friends. Merry Christmas from us here at DumbFunnery.

November Haiku

November 1 (Wednesday)
‘Go ahead, make my …’
Would be a good restaurant.
Or not. Whatever.

November 2 (Thursday)
(Laughter subsiding)
Well sure! Cannibalism!
(Laughter picks back up)

November 3 (Friday)
Wake up. Status check.
Not exhausted! Fantastic!
Look out, here I come!

November 4 (Saturday)
Army – Air Force game
Don’t need to watch the scoreboard
Dad’s whoops tell it all

November 5 (Sunday)
Smile from kiddo
Rare, magical, and like drugs
I NEED MY NEXT FIX

November 6 (Monday)
Same problem for days
Did code fix itself this weekend?
Gah, that’d be scary.

November 7 (Tuesday)
Trumpy’s in Gina
He’s likely hoping to meet
THE General Tso

November 8 (Wednesday)
Twitter allows more
What do they want from me, huh?
Ten daily haiku?!

November 9 (Thursday)
Cooler weathers here
Makes for unpleasant jogging
But beautiful views

November 10 (Friday)
Catch up on the news.
Look at how long til work ends.
Big sigh. And repeat.

November 11 (Saturday)
Saw a swearing in
Heart heavy for future vets
With our simple pres

November 12 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks visiting
Because you need four people
To ‘awwww’ over poops

November 13 (Monday)
“What big teeth you have!”
“They’re dentures … You little brat …”
Little Red: Prequel

November 14 (Tuesday)
Year ago today:
‘Hope he’s not dumb as I think.’
Today: he’s dumber

November 15 (Wednesday)
‘Death by tickle fight’
If that was a news headline
World peaked? Or new low?

November 16 (Thursday)
Just think, future self
Years from now I’ll threaten son,
“Santa’s watching you!”

November 17 (Friday)
I’m shocked. SHOCKED I say!
Nation with ‘pussy grab’ pres
… Has sex pred problem?

November 18 (Saturday)
Classic burbs dad day
Chipotle, Target, Costco
Boundless adventure

November 19 (Sunday)
Finally caught up
With Game of Thrones … Anyone
Feel like discussing?

November 20 (Monday)
In 5 day work weeks
People work 5 days. 3 day weeks?
4 hours of work?

November 21 (Tuesday)
Long duration test
Failed after running for days
Big sigh. Try again.

November 22 (Wednesday)
“Sing-ularity”
A musical version of
The Terminator

November 23 (Thursday)
Happy Thanksgiving!
May you eat til you hate life!
Wait … That sounds … Not nice

November 24 (Friday)
Step 1: Fry turkey.
Step 2: Don’t burn down the house.
Step 3: Say ‘phew,’ eat.

November 25 (Saturday)
Folks watch the kiddo
While I go back up to bed
It’s the little things

November 26 (Sunday)
Some Christmas gifts done
Those that are toughest still blank
That seems about right

November 27 (Monday)
Hung up lights with pops
House looks great! … But already
Dreading taking down

November 28 (Tuesday)
Folks headed back home
And I’m back at work today
Day status: womp womp

November 29 (Wednesday)
Wrote work goals for year
‘Stay employed’ not on the list
But kinda implied

November 30 (Thursday)
How’s it possible
That short weeks always feel long?
Seriously. How?

Christmas Prep

Now that Thanksgiving is in the rearview mirror it is time to begin prepping for Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas … if you don’t, read on, this is all made up nonsense anyway so I’m not excluding anyone).

Oprah is often a source for favorite things, and what better way to decorate than to model Oprah’s favorite things? But, I’ll do you one better. One of Oprah’s things that she has yet to pick – Gayle! Her buddy! Print off a few pictures of Gayle’s face and frame them in festive Christmas frames.

And that’s it.

Yep. You read that right.

2012-01-23-gaylekingcbscreditJust a bunch of Gayle’s framed around your house.

For the real go-getter, frame pictures of her hands, maybe a close up of her ears. Get to the point that you feel creepy and deranged, and know that you’ve just begun.

Then invite family and friends over.

Those who want to stay, make sure to never spend time around those people again. Yikes. As for the rest of your family and friends, we here at DumbFunnery wish you the best of luck in convincing them you’re not nuts.

Merry Christmas Prep Everyone!

Autobiographies in My Life

Mine: I’ll Have the Spaghetti Surprise (What’s the Surprise?) THAT’S NOT SPAGHETTI!

My wife: My Husband is the Greatest in the World and He Also Makes Bold Assumptions About Autobiography Titles

My son: Pooping, Screaming, Crying, Smiling – My Life, And How it Sounds Like Alanis Morissette Lyrics

The rabbit that lives in the backyard: Why’s That Guy Taking Another Picture of Me?, and Other Concerns

The owl that lives somewhere around here: That Moron Has Still Yet to Take a Picture of Me, and Other Animals I’m Better Than

The neighbor across the street: Being the Cool Neighbor, and Other Life Advice

That one neighbor across the street: Perching and Watching, a Guide

The mail person: Should I be Concerned? A Series of Postcards that Give one Pause

Duggar Family Neighbor

My name is Bob Santos, I live next door to the Duggars, and here are some of my journal entries.

June 26 – I hate my realtor. He knew. He definitely knew. And he scheduled a showing for me at this house while that damn family was on vacation. ‘Why has this place been on the market for 726 days?’ I asked, ‘oh, sometimes people just don’t know a good thing when they see it!’ I hate him.

July 2 – It’s like Lord of the Flies next door, I swear to God they use an honest to goodness conch shell to call for dinner time. Do they eat out of a trough? How does that work even?

July 15 – I was convinced the parents didn’t even teach all of their children to speak. I thought they had a series of mildly sophisticated grunts that they used. I just kept hearing these series of grunts out of one of the windows that’s always open and it seemed a logical conclusion. But then I realized it is just a bathroom, and there is a constant stream of someone pooping. WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN!? Those poor souls need more
fiber.

August 1 – Took a two week vacation … burned all of my hours already this year. I just had to get away. On the plus side, I came back and there was a note from the Duggars welcoming to the neighborhood. The signatures from all those kids made me picture the bottom of the Declaration of Independence.

August 7 – I was barbecuing out back when one of their kids, who knows which one, popped his head up and said, ‘I smell meat.’ Then he turned his head in my direction and sniffed while staring at me. I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

August 15 – Apparently burning your own house down for insurance fraud is difficult to successfully do. I’ll keep researching though.

August 22 – I think the older demon spawn are at school finally. Oh no. You don’t think the parents are going to use this as an opportunity to make another one? Please no.

August 29 – One of the kids invited me to dinner at their house. I am conflicted. If you could, would you take a brief trip to hell to see what it’s like?

August 30 – I am reminded of Colonel Kurtz. The horror. The horror. We had spaghetti for dinner. I brought a bottle of wine. I drank 3/4 of it.

September 7 – House is on the market. I’ll take the loss.

duggar-family-disowned-daughter-3

October Haiku

October 1 (Sunday)
Flag. Definition:
Object. Represents nation.
Flag equals troops? NOPE.

October 2 (Monday)
New scars for U.S.
Do we pause, and examine?
Pres: too soon to think

October 3 (Tuesday)
Listen, when I hunt,
I need to kill 40 deer
In 5 seconds, K?

October 4 (Wednesday)
What a baseball game
Happy for the Diamondbacks
Happy for baseball

October 5 (Thursday)
Work status this week
Brain? Semi-check. Coffee? Check.
Staring dumbly? Check.

October 6 (Friday)
Sorry to the songs
I butcher, and change words
For diaper changes

October 7 (Saturday)
Woken up from nap
For a Home Depot errand
Hi, I’m clichè dad

October 8 (Sunday)
The flies where I live
Are awful this time of year
I need you Mickey!!

October 9 (Monday)
Oh, hi there Monday
You beautiful old hussy
Wait, what? What’s that mean?

October 10 (Tuesday)
Prepped for flu season
Flu shot? Nah. I watch people
And lick the sick ones

October 11 (Wednesday)
Cuddle time with son
Deep sleep. Ten second cry. Sleep.
Boy: you confuse me

October 12 (Thursday)
Does the Navy test
Each sailors sassy levels?
If not, they oughta

October 13 (Friday)
Son was due today
He’ll be chronically early
Based on his birth date

October 14 (Saturday)
Jose Altuve
Whose strike zone is the size of
A watermelon

October 15 (Sunday)
Dance walking the house
Is my watch tracking these steps?
If not, that is harsh

October 16 (Monday)
Tip for making friends:
Drop ice when you leave a room
Then folks know you’re cool

October 17 (Tuesday)
Life goal eighty-six:
Work with group, all named Bambi
Start emails: ‘Deer Team’

October 18 (Wednesday)
Nicknames for the kid:
Little chunk, bun bun, monster
Will he learn his name?

October 19 (Thursday)
My brother’s birthday
He’s 40! Nuts! And, oddly,
That makes me feel old

October 20 (Friday)
My wife’s grandparents
In town to see the kiddo
Oh, and us, I guess

October 21 (Saturday)
Watching Astros plus
Cuddling with the baby:
Happy grandparents

October 22 (Sunday)
Waking from a nap
As though I was tranquilized
How very restful?

October 23 (Monday)
One day I’ll look back
And think: what happened this day?
And I’ll draw a blank

October 24 (Tuesday)
Will I reach an age
Where I don’t need to stroll through
A store’s toy aisle

October 25 (Wednesday)
In case you forgot
Donald Trump is still garbage
Making US worse

October 26 (Thursday)
“Bottom of the …” *boop*
“Bases are …” *boop* oh hi!! *boop*
(Baseball with the kid)

October 27 (Friday)
Had some friends over
Made vegetarian food
aka a snack

October 28 (Saturday)
Weekend! My old friend!
Oh, hey kiddo, what do you need?
Ah, constant movement.

October 29 (Sunday)
Went to a friend’s ranch
Made friends with some buffalo
It was a good day

October 30 (Monday)
Manafort’s defense:
“You said ‘illegal?’ I thought
“You said ‘ill legal!'”

October 31 (Tuesday)
Kid’s first Halloween
I dressed as a slutty dad
Wore sexy spit-up

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