The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Doctor Trump

If you were hoping to read about my baby, nah … it’s just me bashing Trump. I wrote this right after Charlottesville and DJ’s response. See if you can catch my oh so subtle opinion on the matter.

I’m sitting on the butcher paper, nervously rubbing my knee while checking my phone every 40 seconds or so. The doctor should be in any minute now to tell me the results of all the tests that have just been run.

The door opens and he glides in, holding himself to his full height and bearing a look on his face that says ‘I know something you don’t knoooooow.’

I search the doctor’s eyes and he looks down at me, beginning a series of remarks about what a great doctor he is, and how so many other doctors aren’t great, and also about how a lot of doctors think they’re good at tennis but really they’re not that good at tennis. ‘Believe me,’ he says, ‘I belong to a tennis club. These guys. They’re no tennis.’

‘Doc, please!’ I exclaim against my desire to be patient and cordial, ‘what do I have? Is it bad?’

He smirks, then raises his eyebrows, then lifts his chin so he undoubtedly sees more of his nose than he sees my face, and he says, ‘Look, I’m not going to lie, it’s bad. You’ve got on the one side, maybe cancer, and on the other side, maybe a bad headache. They’re just words. Whatever it is, they’re bad.’

My jaw drops. ‘Doc … I … There’s a HUGE difference between cancer and a big headache … Which … What do I have?’

‘Your words, ok. Your words.’ The doctor looks around the room like he’s debating remodeling the place, and perhaps me, he smacks his lips and continues, ‘It’s bad, ok? I’m not here to say which is worse, either way it’s bad. You’ve got one bad thing on one side, another bad thing on the other side.’

My brain nearly shuts off I’m so overwhelmed by rage and confusion, ‘…CANCER. HEADACHE.’

The doc purses his lips, smiles a little, ‘both bad,’ he says as he turns around and walks out the room.

 

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September Haiku

September 1 (Friday)
Wife’s discharge delayed
She spiked a fever, which means
The party goes on

September 2 (Saturday)
Heading home today!
But leaving without our guy
Leads to some shed tears

September 3 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks leave today
Time to find our new normal
(Trying not to drown)

September 4 (Monday)
Labor Day today
My bad joke loving self hoped
He was born today

September 5 (Tuesday)
Drive wife to NICU
Go to work, drive wife back home,
Go to NICU, sleep

September 6 (Wednesday)
4 pm coffee?
Don’t mind if I do! Wait … Wait …
IT’S 9 AM?!?! … Uggggghhhhh

September 7 (Thursday)
Wife’s breathing is off
Call doc: ‘you need the ER’
Long stay but all’s well

September 8 (Friday)
Sleeping at NICU
Machine noises, baby sounds
And chatty nurses

September 9 (Saturday)
Some sleep here each night
How. How? How how how? … Hu … How?
My brain is broken

September 10 (Sunday)
Making some pals here
Who knew: NICU parents lounge
Where the cool kids are

September 11 (Monday)
Wife’s driving again!
This gives me more time each day
Which means more cuddles

September 12 (Tuesday)
NICU sleep plan changed
Leave to head home feeling bad
Exhaustion or guilt?

September 13 (Wednesday)
Mom and sis flew in!
So you guys want dinner, or …
First stop, duh, meet him

September 14 (Thursday)
Boss and boss’s boss
Both being real supportive
Tears, stay in your ducts!

September 15 (Friday)
Stayed up late tonight
Chatting with my mom and sis
A breath of fresh air

September 16 (Saturday)
Awful night for me
Feeding him alarms sound
His heart rate dropped LOW

September 17 (Sunday)
Doc says we *can* leave
But I can’t leave this afraid
I’m scared to feed him

September 18 (Monday)
Huge sigh of relief!
Night with the kiddo went well!!
We’re taking him home!!!

September 19 (Tuesday)
First doctor’s visit!
(Not counting three weeks of rounds)
(And some specialists)

September 20 (Wednesday)
Paternity leave
During the day – all is great
At night – hellish fear

September 21 (Thursday)
Went to new friends house!
Some fellow NICU parents
Commiserate and laugh

September 22 (Friday)
Jekyll and Hyde deal
By day – a little angel
By night – a hell spawn

September 23 (Saturday)
Before: kid pics dull,
Why send so many pictures?
Now: I understand

September 24 (Sunday)
Football, nap, repeat?
Football, baby, nap, repeat.
Big routine changes

September 25 (Monday)
The house is all love
Cooing over the baby
And chats ’bout his poop

September 26 (Tuesday)
Sleep deprivation,
And being away from work:
Time has no meaning

September 27 (Wednesday)
Doctor’s appointment
Losing weight in the worst way
Via his foreskin

September 28 (Thursday)
Holy crap – fall’s here!
Went out for a walk and saw
Leaves have changed colors

September 29 (Friday)
Strolling through Target
Should I buy LEGOs for him?
Him! Not me! … I swear?

September 30 (Saturday)
When your teams aren’t good
Cherish 2 and 0 days
Go Army and Stangs!

August Haiku

August 1 (Tuesday)
(To the cotton song)
The touch … The feeeeel … Of naptime
Daydream of my souuul

August 2 (Wednesday)
Baby class tonight
Make friends? Embarrass my wife?
Go for gold with both??

August 3 (Thursday)
I’m glued to this app?
Dude, no way! I’m gonna save …
Then I’ll state my case …

August 4 (Friday)
Junk food for dinner?
No, come on, be realistic
Junk food AND ice cream

August 5 (Saturday)
Wife is out of town …
Time to go a bit nuts and
Clean up the basement!!!

August 6 (Sunday)
Grey skies and sprinkles
I need coffee, a window
And I’m good to go

August 7 (Monday)
New dentist today
Sadly, he’s not named Crentist
But I think he’ll do

August 8 (Tuesday)
I’ll say this to you –
My opponent’s a good man,
And a great snuggler

August 9 (Wednesday)
Last year: no snakes seen
This year: three spotted so far
Guys … I think I’m doomed

August 10 (Thursday)
Serious question:
Santa. This very moment.
He eating Ramen?

August 11 (Friday)
Tested code I wrote
Friday afternoon. Test fails.
Monday self: good luck.

August 12 (Saturday)
Nazi flags displayed
Not just sans shame, but with pride
What U.S. is this?

August 13 (Sunday)
Busy week ahead
This calls for … Naptivity!
(Actively napping)

August 14 (Monday)
Just chips for dinner?
No, be real, I’m an adult
Also having dip

August 15 (Tuesday)
Skipping a concert
Embracing lazy! Bonus:
Sold tix, got back cash!

August 16 (Wednesday)
Cleaning the house up
Do I find it dirty? No.
Wife vetoes my vote.

August 17 (Thursday)
My wife’s water broke
Fine, good, great … But a bit soon.
She’s 32 weeks

August 18 (Friday)
Ambulance transfer?
OB ICU? Check. Check.
SIMMER DOWN, BABY!

August 19 (Saturday)
Two steroid shots down
(They speed up baby’s lung growth)
Hoping and waiting

August 20 (Sunday)
Moving rooms today!
Want to hit thirty-four weeks
Each day cooking helps

August 21 (Monday)
My wife and bed rest
How will she survive two weeks
Of doing nothing?

August 22 (Tuesday)
Wife’s mom takes day shift
I work, then take the night shift
Wife yells ‘HOLD!’ at womb

August 23 (Wednesday)
Assumed dull bed rest
Instead every day is unique
Not in a good way

August 24 (Thursday)
Wife woke up and puked
Intense dizziness from drugs
The party don’t stop!!

August 25 (Friday)
Baby’s heartbeats off
Wife moves rooms for constant watch
…Child, stop it! … Please?

August 26 (Saturday)
Wife feels better now!!!
… But contractions have started
… And she’s in labor …

August 27 (Sunday)
Whoa – I’m a father!
Ahh! Put my wife’s guys back please!
(C-sections are nuts)

August 28 (Monday)
Holding my son is …
Love bolstering? Full of joy?
No. Terrifying.

August 29 (Tuesday)
Lots of tiny tools:
The small blood pressure leg band
Is my favorite

August 30 (Wednesday)
Back to work today
Saving paternity leave
For when he comes home

August 31 (Thursday)
Wife’s still healing up
Bed rest, the drugs, surgery
They took a big toll

Go For It!

I know, I know, you’re still feeling a little cautious. That’s fine! I’m here to answer your questions to alleviate some of your concerns. Then, you’ll be able to Go For It! with confidence!

Question: Are you sure? Should I really go for it?
Answer: Did I stutter? God. Pay attention.

Question: Will others think less of me?
Answer: Am I some kind of mind reader? I have no idea what others will think. Yeah, they might, or maybe they won’t, whatever.

Question: Are there any risks to my personal safety?
Answer: Yikes. What are you thinking about doing??? Maybe don’t go for it?

Question: How much will it cost?
Answer: Your money is meaningless to me.

Question: What happens if I start down this path and then change my mind?
Answer: I didn’t realize I was dealing with someone so fickle. Get out of my face.

Now that all your questions are answered, you have the confidence to go forth with style, pizzaz, and maybe even finesse! I couldn’t care less!

2017 SMU Football Predictions

Hi sports fans, here we go again.

It’s been a few years since I’ve done this – let’s recap.

  • 2011 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 7-5
  • 2012 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 6-6
  • 2013 Prediction: 5-7, Reality: 5-7
  • 2014 Prediction: 7-5, Reality: 1-11 (the head coach resigned in September, it was an ugly year)

Since then I skipped 2015 and 2016, perhaps I was afraid that I had played some role in the 2014 debacle, or perhaps I forgot/was lazy. In 2015 SMU hired a new coach, Chad Morris, and they went 2-10. In 2016 they went 5-7.

Now we are in the coaches third season, let’s take a wild, uneducated stab at their schedule. My knowledge of SMU’s abilities and those of their opponents are based solely on … I don’t even know what. It’s like that thing when you start saying something and you hope something good will come to your mind and you just dazzle everyone. That’s where my knowledge comes from.

  • 9/2 vs SFA … Victoryfootball-helmet-01sept2015
  • 9/9 vs North Texas … Victory
  • 9/16 @ TCU … Loss
  • 9/23 vs Arkansas State … Loss
  • 9/30 vs Connecticut … Victory
  • 10/7 vs Houston … Loss
  • 10/21 @ Cincinnati … Victory
  • 10/27 vs Tulsa … Loss
  • 11/4 vs UCF … Victory
  • 11/11 @ Navy … Loss
  • 11/18 @ Memphis … Victory
  • 11/25 vs Tulane … Victory

Total record: 7-5.

SMU football, you old friend/foe, I try to set my expectations low so that I won’t be frustrated but … I know you, you’ll still find ways to hurt my heart. LET’S DO THIS! FOOTBALL!!!

July Haiku

July 1 (Saturday)
Cabin full of fam:
Eight bigs, seven kids, two dogs
Time since last pout: 1.

July 2 (Sunday)
Baby shower day!
With baby obstacle course
…I’ve got work to do

July 3 (Monday)
Item checked off list:
Infield home run … Off a bunt!
Whiffle ball stud, here.

July 4 (Tuesday)
Annnnnnd back on the road
It’s the lady’s turn to drive
The dog and I chill

July 5 (Wednesday)
Want to prevent war?
Watch enemies eat yogurt
It’s so disarming

July 6 (Thursday)
Clicked on an email
The sales pitch excited me
…it was for children

July 7 (Friday)
Wearing purple shorts
It’s cool … Til I’m in a stall
“There’s purple shorts guy”

July 8 (Saturday)
Neighborhood party
Summary: Neighbors are nuts
I’ll keep researching

July 9 (Sunday)
The weekend zoomed by
XBOX One must be lonely
Sorry old buddy

July 10 (Monday)
Shall I compare thee …
To a Phoenix Summer’s day?
Soul crushingly hot?

July 11 (Tuesday)
Reading baby book
Apparently, breast milk is
Made out of magic?

July 12 (Wednesday)
Staying late at work
Code won’t write itself you know
… Not yet … Or I’m hosed

July 13 (Thursday)
First stop: candy town
Next stop: seeing The Big Sick
Wife and I: thumbs up

July 14 (Friday)
Long, stressful work week
But in the end, a success
Weekend brain: ENGAGE

July 15 (Saturday)
Long hike this morning
Beautiful views, and, get this …
I saw a MARMOT!

July 16 (Sunday)
The great Sunday fight
Desire to be lazy
vs. wanting doughnuts

July 17 (Monday)
Bought Stardew Valley
XBOX graphics takes naps, and
I happily play

July 18 (Tuesday)
The yard needs mowing
*A wild raindrop appears!*
Weather? You’re allllllll right.

July 19 (Wednesday)
One month of code pain
Finally done with this piece
Sigh of relief … Check.

July 20 (Thursday)
Oh, hi healthy lunch
What’s that? You want alone time?
I’ll get junk food then!

July 21 (Friday)
Phone shopping online
WHAT!? PHONE’S COST HOW MUCH MONEY?
…My iPhone 4’s cool?

July 22 (Saturday)
Hike to start the day
No one for miles around
That’s prime selfie time

July 23 (Sunday)
Sipping coffee and
Reading about breastfeeding
Typical Sunday

July 24 (Monday)
Costco shopping list:
Milk, chicken, and a cell phone
Just Costco things, right?

July 25 (Tuesday)
McCain fights cancer!
Also fights average person’s
Chance to fight cancer!

July 26 (Wednesday)
First ‘parenting’ test
Something scary, out of hands
I just sit and hope

July 27 (Thursday)
Appointment with wife
All the concern was for naught
Heart, unclench now, please

July 28 (Friday)
Fun pregnancy game:
She feels: ALL FEELINGS. I feel:
Confusion and fear

July 29 (Saturday)
Our little friends prepped
Next phase of baby room is:
Hot air balloon pals!

July 30 (Sunday)
Sleep in? Well, ok.
Accomplish practically zilch?
Sure, I can do that.

July 31 (Monday)
Oh, just freaking great
Time to toss my home-made tee
‘Mooch made in Heaven’

NextDoor – Cat Found

Have you heard of NextDoor? It’s a website for neighborhoods. It is something akin to Facebook meets Craigslist meets weird local newspaper ads. I recently signed up and get to keep tabs on what is happening in my neighborhood and nearby neighborhoods. The posts have ranged from: fb_share_logo1

  • cursing teenagers (don’t worry, someone informed everyone those boys are Mormon and therefore could not possibly have been cursing – turns out they were saying SUCKERS not … well, you can guess)
  • stuff for sale
  • advice on contractors/plumbers/etc
  • someone talking about her single male friend who is a catch (0 replies so far but rest assured I’m watching that one)
  • missing pets

Today someone posted, “cat found.” I don’t recall seeing one about a missing cat, so I can only assume someone is posting about their own cat who just achieved a high level of self-awareness and they wanted everyone in the neighborhood to know. (Who couldn’t help but brag about their self-aware cat?)

I wonder, who is monitoring these posts? And, how weird could I get if I was so inclined?

If I post that I’m selling a gently used box of diapers and include a picture of me smiling coyly, what would you think was happening?

How about a post that says ‘Fine China for Sale’ and then I borrow some steamy language from a romance novel to describe some plates. Would that be allowed to stay up? ‘Dang that’s some fine China, ya’ll.’

Or, another thought, how bored am I that this is the kind of thing I’m wondering about? AND, what kind of responses would I get from the neighborhood if I posted this … thing. What amounts to a velociraptor like study of where I can poke the cage to see what I can get away with? (Where my knowledge of velociraptors is, of course, exclusively from Jurassic Park.)

Do you have NextDoor? Do you like to watch people be weird? Or are you one of the weirdos?

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