The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

May Haiku

May 1 (Monday)
Yes, April showers.
May baths. June apply perfume.
Odorous August.

May 2 (Tuesday)
Online training class
Instructor’s persistent pep
Greeted with smileys

May 3 (Wednesday)
First trail jog since trip
Good news: ankle feels ok!
Bad news: trails still tough.

May 4 (Thursday)
Upcoming weekend:
Eating and drinking too much
(Pal’s bachelor trip)

May 5 (Friday)
Airport employees
Proving that life can go on
With soul sucking looks

May 6 (Saturday)
A day of drinking
Eight breweries visited
…I feel disgusting

May 7 (Sunday)
Traveling with bloat:
Tales of a Bachelor Party
Over age thirty

May 8 (Monday)
“Sure, *I’M* the bad guy …
“Wait, I should emphasize *the*!”
Then he kicked a dog

May 9 (Tuesday)
Looking back on life,
The old man wept and yelled out,
“Wish I’d had more tots!!!”

May 10 (Wednesday)
Need to train the dog
To have strategic BMs
To fertilize lawn

May 11 (Thursday)
Quick Q for the pres,
To disguise wetting the bed …
Do you burn down house???

May 12 (Friday)
Past self, you moron.
Tomorrow’s race day trail run?
Twenty-five miles. 😬😢

May 13 (Saturday)
10 mile nice jog
15 miles of sadness
Then sweet, sweet nothing

May 14 (Sunday)
Mother’s Day you fools!
Be sweet! Be nice! Do some chores!
BUT ONLY TODAY.

May 15 (Monday)
Pulled some weeds today
I was all “HYAH!,” “TAKE THAT!”
And they were all like “…”

May 16 (Tuesday)
Twitter, the place for:
Blinding political rage,
And a good chuckle

May 17 (Wednesday)
Saw my race photos
How can I look so slow while
Rocking monster thighs

May 18 (Thursday)
“Hey guys, it’s snowing!”
“Yeah, it’s May, it snows sometimes.”
OK, not fun guy.

May 19 (Friday)
Party at neighbors
Social skills GO! … Start? … Appear?!? …
How’s this work again?

May 20 (Saturday)
Glance at to do list
Then, two hour break watching
Casually Explained

May 21 (Sunday)
Just living the dream:
Playing sports video games
And, watching playoffs

May 22 (Monday)
First jog in some time
Makes me feel like the tin man
All creaking and stiff

May 23 (Tuesday)
With a pregnant wife
You might worry about me
But, it’s cool, I’m fine

May 24 (Wednesday)
French bread pizza night!
With bonus tradition of:
Feeling grossly full

May 25 (Thursday)
Not sure, but I think
Motivation’s a creature
That lives off of sweets

May 26 (Friday)
Ultrasounds are weird
Tech, nonchalant, “here’s a foot”
Me: THE THING HAS FEET?!

May 27 (Saturday)
As my sister said
It’s fun to dress babies like
Tiny old people

May 28 (Sunday)
La vida loca
An old French saying which means
“Chips and dip for lunch”

May 29 (Monday)
Memorial Day
Tears and memories remain
For those who we’ve lost

May 30 (Tuesday)
Moving furniture
I make room while wife makes womb
Eh!? EH!?! I’m sorry.

May 31 (Wednesday)
Quarterly results:
Who would’ve guessed finance calls
Would impact my mood

Being a Good Host

I was nervous and excited – hosting my first social run. Who would show up? How do we handle different paces? Will people want to go grab a beer after?

I really wanted it to go well because I wanted a nice jog and some new pals. What better way than to host a friendly social run!

The first guy is walking up and he looks … like he might have a slow pace. First of all, he’s a big, big fella. Second, he’s wearing sweatpants, sandals, and a big hoody. Why is he dressed like he’s doing 5k to couch?

Ah, another guy walking up! He’s a skinny, sort of unbalanced looking guy.

Great. Good start.

Hey, a girl, all right! She’s a bit older … more power to her, right!?

I give a friendly hello to the three and begin to question myself … I am the only one dressed for a jog. Why am I the only one dressed for a jog?

“Are you guys here for the social run?”

The skinny fella looks at me askance and the older woman barks out “RUN?”

I look at my phone quickly, wanting to double check that I am at the right location, and that’s when I see it, my post “social rub” … that simple little difference, the distance between the keys ‘b’ and ’n’ on a keyboard.

I sigh, stifle a tear, grit my teeth, it’s time to be a good host.

I am looking at maybe going to a social run on Tuesday night and I noticed how easily someone could have a typo and what a very different crowd this small typo would lead to attracting. Anywho, occasionally I remember that some family might read my blog and … well, let’s just remember that I’m a big old weirdo.

Some Judgments

We here at DumbFunnery love a good ivory tower, and what good is having one if you’re not going to sit in it?
With that in mind, we decided to come up with a quick list of judgements for you and yours!
1 – Your pet turtle? Get rid of it.
2 – Your friend Gunther gets far too little credit for being a minimally functional adult named Gunther.
3 – Love, love, LOVE the last mistake you made. It was hysterical.
4 – You don’t think anyone is noticing how good you look today? You’re wrong, I noticed. And also my message board noticed. And I went ahead and put up some signs in my neighborhood, they have a picture of you and it says, “Missing – This Person” then underneath that it says, “how could you not? check out that bod.”
5 – Your weird business idea of an oatmeal taco truck/strip club called ho-oatmeal isn’t as bad as you think, but it would still fail.

I Thought Weed Was Legal in Colorado?

Recently my wife and I got a letter from the HOA – our weed situation was apparently situation critical.

The letter stated, among other things, that rock beds must be free of weeds at all times. What.

I’m not going to lie, I really needed to go out and pick some weeds in the rock bed area in front of our house. In fact, I already had it on my to do list. But apparently one neighbor (we have our theories) found my pace of weed killing to be lax, so we were told on.

This really annoyed me … Possibly partially because I knew it was bad, but this just emphasized it. But also because, FREE OF WEEDS AT ALL TIMES?

The letter told me if I would not comply by X date then blah blah blah, serious sounding consequences. It also stated that I could submit a plan to the board for their discussion and approval.

This triggered a 13 year old desire to be a real jerk for no other reason than because I was feeling feisty. In the end, I began picking weeds the next day and have been tackling the whole yard one piece at a time. But, for my own pent up juvenile aggression, I would like to go ahead and respond to the HOA.

The title is one idea that I thought would be funny – go to the board in person and ask that question sincerely. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Here’s another idea:

Dear HOA,

Thank you for your recent letter about the dire weed situation. I have taken this under advisement, sought council, prayed, reflected, even sacrificed a small goat, and I have come up with a plan.

First of all, quick aside, do goat carcasses go in the green waste bin, or the regular trash bin? Surely they’re not recyclable?
  • Monday – pull one weed
  • Friday – check on the yard, see if the other weeds have gotten the message
  • (Possibly done at this point?)
  • Sunday – visit the one dead weed’s grave, leave some flowers
  • Following Monday – pull a different weed (although again, I must stress, I don’t think any of this will be necessary)
  • Following Friday – neighborhood BBQ! (You guys are totally invited! I just found a sweet looking BBQ shrimp recipe!)
  • Following Sunday – douse the rock bed area in gasoline, light it on fire

Please let me know if this will sufficiently kill the weeds, I imagine the fire will do the trick. I’ll make sure to have not one but two extinguishers on hand in case it gets out of hand. 

Thank you in advance.

DumbFunnery, homeowner

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

Life Milestone

A new life milestone for myself, and much more physically impacting for my wife, we will be parents! Woah!

Aside from that big milestone there are other ones that accompany it: first baby outfit purchased (see below), first time saying goodbye to money for the next X years (where X equals a number I don’t want to think about).

Goodbye money, hello adorable clothes that will be usable for less time than I sometimes wear one pair of socks in a sitting. (Just kidding, you hope.)

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Johnathon P. Prickles

It occurs to me that Hollywood may be seen as a place that lacks creative influx. That is shy the courage to be truly innovative or out there. There is noticeable reward for using tried and true ideas: those are where profits sit. But people fail to jump on board 100% because some people want to sit back and bash Hollywood for a lack of newness.
Don’t worry Hollywood, Joe Complainer, I’ve got everyone covered.
A Tarzan reboot (you’re welcome Hollywood) starring Will Ferrell as the title character (you’re welcome again Hollywood) BUT (you’re welcome creative-seekers) there’s a twist.
Instead of a boy being raised by apes in the jungle, this man was raised by porcupines in some weirdos backyard. One of those people who has a lot of animals and a big ranch.
The person, played by Will Ferrell, will be Johnathon P. Prickles, and boy will he ever be … prickly. I know, that joke was obvious, but I think a lot of people like obvious jokes.
This movie will have everything:
  • Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
  • A grown man being prickly
  • Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
  • Betty White as the owner of this ranch
  • An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
  • Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
  • And that director’s name? Woody Allen
There you have it, Hollywood, America, everyone wins.
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“Scene 247, Take 32, I um, … well, what can I say? A dog pants, I don’t.” – a naked Woody Allen

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