The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Hey Catchy Oldies! … Wait, What?

There’s an oldies station that I like to listen to. It’s fun, it’s full of catchy songs, it’s a simpler time and … wait. Ew. What were those lyrics?

Hey, little girl in the high school sweater
Gee, but I’d like to know you better
Just a-swingin’ your books and chewin’ gum
Lookin’ just like a juicy plum
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, little girl

Kinda … blech, right? I heard this song and kept visualizing an older man having written it, and then a younger man having sung it. But, thankfully, the internet has pointed me to it being written by someone who was 18 at the time (Johnny Chester) and the singer was 21 at the time (Dee Clark).

Still a little pervy. But that’s quite a bit of classic oldies.

Welp. Enjoy your oldies!

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Ask a Moron: Do I Have Legionnaire’s Disease?

Great question, and I’ve got some great answers.

Are you now, or have you ever been a part of a legion? Then you probably have it. Follow-up question, what is a legion? Again, great question! It’s like a group of guys I think, probably French or into French stuff. Follow-up follow-up, what does it mean to be into French stuff? Do you like cigarettes and looking disdainful, or how about long thin breads? Then yep, you’re into French stuff.

When you hear the word ‘legend’ or ‘legendary’ do you recoil? You probably have legionnaire’s disease. (You are recoiling because the legions that combine to form this evil entity in your body known as Legionnaire are afraid of legendary things happening.)

Wait, you ask, there is an entity in my body known as Legionnaire? I don’t know. Maybe.

How dumb are you, you ask disdainfully? Who’s dumber, me or you, with your stupid legionnaire’s disease?

Am I just some rude jerk? Good question, your mom asked the same … LAST NIGHT.

And now a question for you: why are you walking away from me? Come back. Please. My defense mechanisms are strong and self-defeating and … you’re gone.

LegionnaireFilm.jpg

Do you like this movie? If so, you probably have Legionnaire’s disease.


By Source, Fair use, Link

 

Newly Remastered Movies From Parmamount Pictures!

Parmamount Pictures has recently seized on an opportunity – rampant sex predators in Hollywood.

That’s right, this is an opportunity.

Check out that barrel at Wal-Mart, is that Cosby’s classic Ghost Dad sitting covered in dust? What about that stack of Unusual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey? And all those Woody Allen movies that are untouched … wait, no. People still like him? You guys know he … ah,nevermind.

Parmamount Pictures has taken the bold and money-grubbing chance to pair with some of your, the average American, FAVORITE restaurants!

Don’t like sleazeballs, but love Arby’s?

Checkout ghost dadour new version of Pay It Forward where Kevin Spacey’s face is replaced by an Arby’s bag! That’s right! Not only will this film no longer offend anyone, but it will also make you crave that sweet, sweet roast “beef.” Now that’s what I call tasty film watching!

Isn’t that Louis CK a riot? But wait, seeing him makes you angry, and hearing his voice doing THOSE kinds of routines (I mean, come on) makes you want to punch through a wall? Fear not! Because all of his comedy specials will be re-released with his image and voice replaced by … you guessed it! … Ronald McDonald!

(Honestly I have nightmares after watching a screening of this. But folks tell me it will sell, and profit is king.)

This winter cuddle up with a delicious bag of food that’s gotten cold on the drive home, and a favorite movie with no one* offensive in it!

*Parmamount Pictures is working on some predictive software to go ahead and replace approximately 68% of male stars in Hollywood.

Pregnancy Lego Kit

Lego, you owe me one (and you are welcome to pay me back in Legos … I really, really like Legos).

How about a Pregnancy Lego Kit! No, really, hear me out.

Lego is CLEARLY marketing itself toward geeks ages 20 – 40. A Voltron set? A James Bond car set? All the INCREDIBLY fancy, awesome, and VERY expensive Star Wars things? (See: $800 Millinium Falcon, $350 Cloud City, $500 Death Star, and on and on.) And you know what? It is working. I want all of it. ALL OF IT.

There is a kit that is $40 from the Lego site, $32.99 from Target right now (not that I’m paying attention) and it is just a bunch of figures doing outdoorsy stuff. One of them is a dad wearing a Bjorne with his baby inside it. I WANT THAT.

I would also guess that most of the Legos are being purchased by males. So this Lego Pregnancy Kit would be a fantastic gift for a soon-to-be (or already-is) father. But, I’m an equal opportunity Lego lover, it would also make a great gift for soon-to-be (or already-are) moms.

The kit would include:

  • a TV
  • a couch
  • two guys and two ladies to cover your bases for same sex couples or not
  • cleaning supplies
  • a nursery (one wall could be blank, one wall could have a sticker on it of some classic nursery look)
  • painting supplies
  • little Lego heads that are terrified on one side and happy on the other side
  • a fridge
  • a fast food bag
  • a little bag with clothes in it
  • etc, etc.
IMG_20180929_100159650

You could also include an ewok just because they’re adorable little guys.

The sky’s the limit here, people.

Hop to, Lego. I’ll take whatever you want as my prize (hint: Lego guy with baby in the Bjorne.)

Working Harder, Not Smarter

DumbFunnery fans, rejoice! We have some exciting news for you! That’s right, we are finally getting a book published.

The book, The Idiot’s Guide to Working Harder, Not Smarter will be hitting the shelves this year sometime in mid January. The book is following its own advice, publishing at a time that is considered awful for sales and publicity.

This will be the first in a new approach taken by ‘The Idiots Guide’ book series. Embracing the culture of the United States, which is seeking out the dumbest possible answer to all questions (for examples see: the news) the Idiots Guide series has decided to explain how to be a better idiot, rather than explaining complex topics in simpler terms.

Will this backfire? I don’t know. ZERO, I repeat ZERO market research was done in preparation for this new book. Experts were interviewed, but only so that we could question their stupid degrees and mock them for their ‘years of dedication and hard work’ (losers).

What can you expect if you buy this book? Expect a lot, or a little, I don’t care.

Some of the chapters in the book include, but are not limited to:

  • Mowing Your Lawn Naked and Removing Chopped Up Pine Cones from your Bits and Pieces
  • Literary References and THE DEVIL – What Your ‘Smart’ Coworkers Are Doing While Chanting in the Woods (and How to Stop Them!)
  • How Long Should I Laugh When Someone Says ‘Fart’?
  • Checking Out a Book From the Library, Then Losing It, Then Suing the Library for Some Asinine Reason
  • How to Look Up the Word ‘Asinine’ and Then Justifying Your Anger Over Someone Knowing a Word You Don’t Know

I’m going to stop there because ‘Working Harder, Not Smarter’ isn’t for free, you free-loading slop monkey.

Please, buy the book!

Music Monday

 

 

 

 

This Playlist

All Songs in One Playlist

Christmas Gift Ideas

With Christmas right around the corner (what?), it’s time for DumbFunnery’s annual Christmas List!

‘OH, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!’

Your family has grown to be quite large. And with all those people you are related to running around holiday shopping has gone from joy to absolute dreaded chore.

To help curtail this growing exchanging gift receipts attached to stuff problem, DumbFunnery is here to help. These gift ideas will help spark a casual conversation that will start with, ‘so … do you guys just wanna … not do gifts this year?’

1 – A bag of mayonnaise with a note that says, ‘you break it, you buy it!’

2 – An IOU for a special lesson on how to give the BEST hugs, lessons provided by Uncle Jean

man in santa claus costume

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

3 – Find someone’s spoken word poetry online, replace any references you or the gift recipient wouldn’t get with references to Clifford the Big Red Dog and get that printed on a tote bag

4 – Make a feedbag out of duct tape with a sign on the front in a different-colored duct tape that says ‘FEED ME.’ Then maybe in the card that goes with the gift a not-so-veiled comment about working out.

5 – A collection of proud mom of stickers from different elementary schools, colleges, and sports teams if they make such things. And then, to go the extra mile, go ahead and pop those on their car, too.

There you have it, a Christmas free of stress is in your future.

Of course, you could always just buy people stuff you’d think they’d like and not worry so much … but there’s always Uncle Jean and what on earth do you get Uncle Jean?

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