The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Attn: Ellen (1/17/18)

Front

Ellen334a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen334b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Did you know that 90% of children from Holland are happy?

The other 10% are those riding in the barrels. And they are very not happy.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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December Haiku

December 1 (Friday)
What is happiness?
The kiddo sleeping on me
With little sleep sounds

December 2 (Saturday)
Went shopping today
The dog stayed home and practiced
Her best forlorn look

December 3 (Sunday)
Vid of kid sneezing
And … is that MY voice? Gushing?
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

December 4 (Monday)
Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s
(Dramatic audible sigh)
Back to work I go

December 5 (Tuesday)
Winter has arrived
As evidenced by my hands
Dry, cracked, scaly hands

December 6 (Wednesday)
If Quasimodo,
Camels fought for ‘hump day’ rights
Who would win the fight?

December 7 (Thursday)
Got sis from airport
Quick bathroom stop at Dunkin’
Hellooooo donut holes

December 8 (Friday)
Vacation day, fools!
Brewery tour with the sis
Yes please, free samples

December 9 (Saturday)
Take out Thai food plus
Bad Netflix Christmas movie
Equals a good night

December 10 (Sunday)
Aw, happy baby!
AH! Upset screaming baby!!
… My circle of life

December 11 (Monday)
My moment of Zen
Is picturing the kiddo’s
Big, goofy smile

December 12 (Tuesday)
Christmas shopping done!
But for buying myself junk
It’s open season

December 13 (Wednesday)
People have spoken!
Thank God ‘Bama has black folks
White ‘Bamans … The hell?

December 14 (Thursday)
The internet’s free
To be broken for profit
Thank you FCC

December 15 (Friday)
Kid can’t do dairy
So the wife cut out dairy
No milk … For good milk

December 16 (Saturday)
Hosted a small brunch
Everyone there has babies
Life moves pretty fast

December 17 (Sunday)
Kiddo’s belly’s off
Poor kids hardly slept last night
Mom and Pop? No sleep.

December 18 (Monday)
Check the to do list
Huh, it says ‘Be unproductive
Just count til Christmas’

December 19 (Tuesday)
Christmas card crafting
Or, a chance to be cheesy
And show off my son

December 20 (Wednesday)
So great it’s Friday!
*Looks at clock, blinks, sighs, bows head*
I feel so betrayed

December 21 (Thursday)
Tree falls in the woods
Tree summers in the mountains
Tree has some nice homes

December 22 (Friday)
Who here among us
Would like to cast the first stone?
(Glass house unveiling)

December 23 (Saturday)
Hello vacation!
Ten days of sitting around
Plain old glorious

December 24 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks and grandfolks
Visiting us for Christmas
Our kiddo’s first one!

December 25 (Monday)
Merry Christmas, all!
And to those who could care less
Happy Monday, all!

December 26 (Tuesday)
Food out for rabbits
Courtesy my wife’s grandpa
They took most of it!

December 27 (Wednesday)
Saw Star Wars!
He was all, ‘hey man, same team?’
She was like, ‘as if!’

December 28 (Thursday)
Wake up with kiddo
We play or he naps on me
Joys of staycation

December 29 (Friday)
Nature can be cruel
My son gives a giant pout
I giggle, say ‘awwww!’

December 30 (Saturday)
‘Don’t Know What That Means
But it Sounds Intelligent???’
My auto-bio

December 31 (Sunday)
Rang in the new year
By making good burritos
PARTY FOR LIFE, YA’LL

Running the Numbers

I want a piano. It’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of when.

Recently I was talking about getting a piano and the logistics of it, and my wife took my concerns in stride. This got me thinking, ‘is she just running the numbers?’

Let me explain.

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Whenever you need to run some numbers, always go with the abacus (for comedy’s sake).

When a relationship starts you may be gung ho in an effort to be fun and right there with the person. Time goes on, self-honest begins to show up, and then when someone says, ‘hey want to go <do something you don’t like but that person does>.’ Then you say, ‘ummm … here’s the thing …’ That might lead to a conversation.

At some point in a relationship you begin to figure out when you need to have a conversation. Let’s say I go to my wife and I say, ‘next month on the first Saturday we should go do this eight mile hike that I read about!’

In her head my wife likely has two courses of thought: 1, hell no. Eight miles? No. No no no. 2, ehhh … there’s like a 20% chance he’s still going to want to do that on that Saturday, and instead will likely want to sleep in.

That’s running the numbers. You begin to figure out with your partner when things they say are likely to happen, and that weighs on the decision of whether to blindly agree or not.

If you’re not running the numbers in your relationship – you’re just bonkers.

Attn: Ellen (1/10/18)

Front

Ellen333a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen333b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Maybe this is wrong to wonder … But do you think terrorist groups, like bands, hang out wondering what their name should be?

“Dude! That name sucks! It doesn’t convey, like, our vibe.”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

4 Months and Counting

Hey there sports fans. Time has passed and the kiddo has continued to grow.

This last month was an interesting one with highlights including: bloody stool, multiple doctor trips, and a new diet for my wife. The adventures!

We have come to learn that the kiddo has some food intolerances, and as a breastfed baby that unfortunately means a less fun diet for my wife. At first she cut out dairy (cow’s milk) which is the most common cause of digestion woes for babies. This helped his poop (Lordy Lordy, the amount of talk about poop is truly surprising … it is such a common topic). BUT, the poop was still strange AND, on top of that, it still showed blood one time.

Based on what my wife read (and later confirmed by two docs) dairy is culprit number 1, soy is number 2. And soy, in case you are like me and unaware, is in just about everything. And it goes by a number of names, so good luck weeding it out at first pass.

That’s a lot of rambling on about diet and poop and such. Let me (too late, self) sum up.

Food intake was rough, which led to an unhappy belly, which led to an unhappy kiddo. This led to an overtaxed mom and dad. Overall status: unpleasant.

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That’s not my baby, he is apparently a baby for sale from Amazon.

The change in his diet has taken him from running the show, to us keeping pace a little. Another great helping in keeping pace is a little chair. Now you can eat breakfast while he happily stares at … you, or these little plastic smiling faces.

And, side note, smiles. They are wonderful, and magical, and make you feel like the most special person ever. And then … and then your child spends minutes smiling at a tiny, plastic, yellow smiley face. And you thing, ‘hey … dude …’ I enjoy anytime he smiles, it just makes me laugh that I work hard for them and I am tied with a yellow, smiling, plastic face.

What else from my meandering mind grab bag?

Oh yeah, sleep. The sleep is still not so good, and my wife and I are beginning to feel a little … guilty? Worried? Nervous? about the fact that we have yet to instill any real sleep rules. But our rationale is his stomach just recently began to be well enough that he’s calm more often and less crazy to lull to sleep. Although as I type this my wife is in the rocking chair and he is just staring at her when he should be asleep. So … that’s good.

Part of my posting this is for myself, so that I’ll remember things. Unfortunately the main thing this seems to be conveying is that I have lost all ability to organize thoughts in a cohesive or pleasant to read manner.

Sorry about that, future self.

Ok, I’m done with this. My wife bought me some LEGOs for Christmas and it’s go time.

Stuff With Snow on It

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Attn: Ellen (1/3/18)

Front

Ellen332a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen332b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s an idea for 2018. Please pass it on. When you’re in person with someone, in 2018, don’t be an a-hole. Online? Go nuts! Be an absolute terror.

Right now … online is mostly jerks, and in person is a grab bag but often unpleasant.

2018 would be a small step in the right direction, plus you’d know what you’re in for.

Brilliant, right?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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