The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

How Old Am I?

I have a series of facts, and each one will make me older.

  • Recently I was at one of my favorite stores, Costco.
  • I was browsing the clothing section of Costco.
  • I noticed a pair of jeans, AND they had my size! I decided to buy them.
  • I took the jeans home, tried them on, they fit well.
  • I bought a second pair of the exact same jeans. From Costco.
  • And, honestly, I wouldn’t mind a third pair. (Jeans that fit me well are a rare breed.)



Attn: Ellen (3/14/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My how daydreams change. When I was in middle school I read RoboTech and fantasy books and pictured myself in their worlds.

Now I see beautiful national parks and think of packing up the car and going camping with my family.

Both are escapes, but my how daydreams change.

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?


First Meal

Because of digestion issues that our son has, my wife has willingly sacrificed my primary food group, dairy, and another food that is apparently in everything – soy.

My wife is pretty ok with this, it’s worth it to be able to breastfeed him. If she didn’t drop those two foods we would have to give him some crazy formula. (Normal formula has dairy.)

Sometimes, scratch that, often, she likes to talk about her first meal. This, as opposed to a last meal for a death row inmate, is the first meal she’ll have when she is allowed to eat whatever she wants (most kids outgrow this issue by 1 year old … and regardless of that, he’ll stop breastfeeding at some point).

Pizza. Pizza is always mentioned at the first meal. We made a non-dairy, non-soy pizza. Non-dairy cheese is weird. It doesn’t melt. You throw it in the oven, check 10 minutes later and there it is, just laughing. ‘You thought I would melt? Who do you think is in charge here? You? … Hmph.’


Hello, beautifuls.

Following that would be ice cream. There is non-dairy, non-soy ice cream (and you may find it funny I have to keep mentioning soy … seriously, that sneaks into everything). But, like the pizza, it’s almost ice cream. Sometimes my wife and I will both have ice cream (with me having the real stuff) and I can feel her looking at me. Well, not me, but my ice cream. There’s sadness in them there dairy-free looks.

My woes are a trifling concern next to my wife’s … but I am also greatly looking forward to the return of ordering pizza.

And let’s be honest with ourselves – the first meal won’t be A meal. It’ll be an ongoing love fest of old favorite foods and restaurants. We have discovered two restaurants that say, ‘yeah we can do no-dairy, no-soy’ and they ACTUALLY do it. Other places say that, but as I have repeated several times already, soy is a tricky devil. How do we know that soy snuck in to their food? Well, the kiddo is uncomfortable and a few tiny specks of blood show up in his stool. The body can’t handle what the body can’t handle.

It sounds bad, I know, but his body is ok, so don’t you worry about our sweet little tiny tyrant.

Here’s my prediction:

  • Night one: pizza and ice cream
  • Night two: chicken, salad (with a dressing containing soy)
  • Night three: going out to eat (Mexican I hope)
  • Night four: sandwiches! With cheese and typical bread!
  • Night five: going out to eat (sushi – a personal favorite of hers, eh for me)
  • Night six: goldfish, ice cream, chocolate, cheese and sausage and crackers
  • Night seven: just a large bowl of salad and our old forgotten friend during this week, veggies

Slight Improvements

When I was going to start first grade my family moved from Korea to Alaska. The school was close enough to my home that I would walk to school every day (including when it reached -60 degrees out, I was just bundled up to a point that I could hardly move).

The first winter there we also happened to have record snowfall. It was crazy. People had to come shovel your ROOF for fear that the weight of the snow might cause damage. That’s a lot of snow.

Every school day I followed the same path. I’d go out our front door, cut across a field and then be on a sidewalk until I had to cross the street directly across from the school.

After the initial big snowfall I walked to school happy and charmed by the snow. Stomping along happily through the snow and taking it all in. This was a mistake. Because then more snow came along, and more snow, and more snow. The snow was deep enough that trying to walk through it would lead to thighs of steel, and/or a boot lost when your leg sinks into the deep snow and you wiggle your leg around until it finally pops out but whoops … no boot. This meant every day that winter was a reminder – I took some awfully big, goofy steps that first snowy day! By tracing the same steps every day I was able to keep cutting across the field, and avoid sinking into the snow. But unfortunately, my steps were hard to follow.

The next winter I had learned my lesson. After the first big snowfall I didn’t lift my feet at all, shuffling through the snow all the way to school. I created a nice, easily walkable path across that field.

This winter, confronted by snow again, I have also made some slight improvements.IMG_20180202_073547663

I shovel the front porch because otherwise ice is liable to form there, and it’s no fun to walk on snow or ice in your slippers. With a clear porch I can let the dog out in slippers no problem.

And I shovel a bit of the grass because our dog is a dope, and she will wander aimlessly for a while if she sees no grass to pee on. Eventually she gives up and picks a random spot. But it’s easier if I have what I affectionately refer to as the ‘pee patch.’ If this spring that grass is dead, I’ll know the dog is overdue for a visit to the vet.


Attn: Ellen (3/7/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Nature, like babies, can somehow be both terrifying and beautiful at the same time.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?



February Haiku

February 1 (Thursday)
I have a knack for
Searching out complex fixes
Confusing myself

February 2 (Friday)
Attended a class
As coworker likes to say:
“There went that hour”

February 3 (Saturday)
Guys! Guys guys guys GUYS!
I found a new pair of jeans!
Sad. But I am jazzed.

February 4 (Sunday)
For my wife’s birthday
She got a crappy drawing!
(For nail salon trip)

February 5 (Monday)
Wife’s mom coming in
Maternity leave is done
Tears for everyone!

February 6 (Tuesday)
Wife’s first day back – good!
And the kid and grandmother
Had a good day, too!

February 7 (Wednesday)
Fashion show at home
Grandma treated wife and kid
To some sweet new threads

February 8 (Thursday)
Toastmasters event
Open house to get new folks
Embrace speech nerddom

February 9 (Friday)
Time slows to a crawl
Work on Friday afternoon
The bane of my life

February 10 (Saturday)
Snow falling outside
Inside: Harry Potter and
Kid napping on me

February 11 (Sunday)
Would it be so bad
If son can’t sleep sans cuddles?
(Well … at age 10 … yeah)

February 12 (Monday)
My mom is in town
Sadly, not to buy me stuff
But to be yamma!

February 13 (Tuesday)
Yamma’s on duty
Watching kiddo while his folks
Make dolla bills ya’ll

February 14 (Wednesday)
It’s Valentine’s day
When your heart diarrheas
Romance all over

February 15 (Thursday)
Watching Olympics
The pressure they face – unreal
I would be a wreck

February 16 (Friday)
Got home from work to
Hang with my son, wife, and mom
I’m dull, and life’s grand

February 17 (Saturday)
New sleep plan today
I’m prepared for him crying
(And me crying too)

February 18 (Sunday)
Kid sees the pattern
Cries when seeing nap routine
SMART! (and heartbreaking)

February 19 (Monday)
Damen und herren
I ordered German kids books
Slow, steady progress!

February 20 (Tuesday)
Babysitting day!
Kiddo and dad (that’s me!) day
While mom works (sucker)

February 21 (Wednesday)
Happy Valentine’s!
Oh. Oh no no no. You guys.
I’ve made a mistake.

February 22 (Thursday)
Golden age is here
Kid’s happy, sleeps at night and
Is not yet mobile

February 23 (Friday)
Donuts origin:
A way of saying sorry
For boring meetings

February 24 (Saturday)
From a book I read
Pronouns are tough for babies
So it’s Toys “R” Dad

February 25 (Sunday)
Dear Lego careers
I have a job but … you know …
Feel free to call me

February 26 (Monday)
Sci-fi character? Or a
Word meaning dry mouth?

February 27 (Tuesday)
Day with the kiddo!
Full of mush and affection
And too short cat naps

February 28 (Wednesday)
Worked from home … at night!
I’d be a workaholic
But that sounds awful


2017 February Haiku


Fight Fire With Fire

Firefighters actually CAN and DO fight fire with fire. Strategic burns to remove very dry wood, or burning areas so a wildfire has less to go on when reaching those areas. It’s effective.

The NRA wants to fight gun violence by making more guns readily available to children (not their intended consequence, but an inevitable consequence).

What are other famous failures in fighting fire with fire?

Doctor: It’s cancer … And I’m afraid it’s quite advanced
Patient: I’m ready to fight it, doc!
Doctor: Great! I’m going to inject a different form of cancer in your body … They’ll duke it out!
Patient: Uhh … But aren’t all forms of cancer potentially deadly?
Doctor: Yeah, but my hope is this cancer will only be deadly toward other deadly stuff …

Trump’s lawyer: You have no money, you need to stop spending money
Trump: But what if I just keep spending and declare bankruptcy and start over? Again and again?
(Ok well, this is a bad example because somehow this has worked for him)

Community leaders: The gang violence is out of control! There are just too many gangs!
Especially stupid community leaders: Say …


It does seem, though, that when firefighters use fire it is because something is already out of hand and there is a crisis. Generally, water saves the day. Are schools at that kind of crisis point? I don’t think so, but it is certainly past the time when common sense should’ve kicked in. Toys aren’t worth human lives.

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