The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Attn: Ellen (2/21/18)

Front

Ellen339a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen339b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think this is the Winter Olympics where the IOC finally admits the biathlon is really just a spy proving game? Who else but James Bond needs to cross country ski to a locale, shoot a gun with precision, then ski away?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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Together, we can reclaim our building heritage. We will build gleaming new roads, bridges, highways, railways, and waterways across our land. And we will do it with American heart, American hands, and American grit. – DJT, SOTU

In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history. – DJT, SOTU

DumbFunnery had the amazing opportunity to visit one of President Donald Josephine Trump’s new roads that is connected to one of his new bridges that he talked about at his State of the Union address.

215px-rainbowroad-smk

Possible inspiration.

The road is certainly gleaming. Never before have I seen a road that was constructed with 1% glitter. It is, in fact, dangerous. I met with an optometrist who lives near the area and wrote countless letters objecting to a literal gleaming road, but her letters went unheard. Her local representative, a republican, said that progress won’t be slowed, and then the local republican quoted President Trump, “America is a nation of builders. We built the Empire State Building in just 1 year — is it not a disgrace that it can now take 10 years just to get a permit approved for a simple road?”

To that end, I guess, they took it as a challenge to do as little as possible in the way of feasibility studies or ensuring that the road was placed in a spot that made sense (it doesn’t), that it is sound (it isn’t) and that it doesn’t literally cause blinding because of the ‘gleaming’ aspect. Donald Jacqueline Trump may love things to have a gilded appearance, but sometimes that is a horrible, horrible idea.

Ah look, another officer has arrived at the scene to provide traffic control assistance after someone accidentally drove off the gleaming bridge as the sun began to rise. The officer is wearing one of those ‘just got my eyes dilated’ pairs of sunglasses provided by the kind optometrist.

Thankfully, because this project seemed to embrace progress over logic, the bridge is not actually over a body of water, so the driver will be just fine. Though his car will likely be dirty.

I’m getting a closer look at the road and the construction company, ICE Construction, actually used literal hands and … oh God tell me that’s not a heart. I was told by an official spokesperson from ICE that

Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.

I wonder if my hair is long enough that you could make a sweater out of it.

Here lies Spud. Oh ho, and what a spud.

My other epitaph is much nicer.

Death by microwaved meatloaf. Damn it was a good run though, ya’ll.

If a train leaves New Brunswick at 440mph, and another train leaves cause yo mama so fat … How bout that? Insulted by an epitpah.

I hope the Hindus have it right, and that I wasn’t an asshole.

Dig me up, I bet I’m good eating!

Go to the nearest store. Buy a Sprite. Pour it on my gravesite. All of it. When someone yells, ‘HEY! Quit that! Why? Why would you disrespect the dead?!?’ Then you look them square in the eyes and say, ‘out of Sprite.’

Beloved Father, Mother, Husband, Daydreamer, Con Artist, Craft Whiskey Brewer, Liar, and Chicken Pox Survivor. Also great with those balloons you can make into animals.

I donated my internal organs to science, and my external holes to the weirdos. Eat your heart out, necrophiliacs!

Somewhere near you is my soul, making fart noises with my mouth while mooning you. Smell that? It’s me. That last noise wasn’t from my mouth.

I should’ve eaten more foods that were shaped like famous buildings.

gravestoneta-186755520

Attn: Ellen (2/14/18)

Front

Ellen338a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen338b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This Valentine’s Day prove to someone your love by buying them something nicer than they got you. Then say something sweet like, “I guess I do love you more” and really spice up the night by adding “did you EVER love me or has this all been a sham?” Spicy!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Music Monday

 

 

They sound much better in the recorded version – but their dance moves are great in this

 

Also fun, Daniel Radcliffe doing this on Jimmy Fallon

 

All Music Mondays combined in one playlist

This particular Music Monday (Music Monday 12)

 

 

Upcoming Headlines

Donald Trump Sexually Assaults Mailbox, Republicans Rally Behind Him
Lindsay Graham (R-SC), “The president is able to think outside the box, which is why I respect him as a leader.”

 

Chuck Schumer, After Making a Big Deal Out of Not Getting the Coffee He Ordered … Drinks This Random Coffee He was Handed
Nancy Pelosi, seen nearby smiling her particular smile, had no comment.

20100118034139tf1-muppetstv-photogallery-36-waldorf

Bernie Sanders (D-VT) thinking about education reform.

 

Donald Trump Begins Wearing Bib 24/7
Paul Ryan (R-WI), “If the president is too busy thinking about solutions to our nation’s problems, and as a result he sometimes forgets to swallow food or he drools a little, I applaud him for that.”

 

Bernie Sanders Revealed to be a Muppet
When informed, Cory Booker (D-NJ) shrugged.

 

Donald Trump at the State of the Union Declares Love of Both Goo Goo, and Gah Gah
Republicans stand and applaud at Goo Goo, Democrats and Republicans stand for Gah Gah. Rand Paul (R-KY) stays seated for both.

Attn: Ellen (2/7/18)

Front

Ellen337a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen337b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I feel like, with the right inflection, you can make any last name that ends in an S sound like a verb.

“Julia? Julia Roberts.”

“Tom doesn’t run, Tom Hanks!”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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