The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Dear College

Hey! How are you? It’s me … I feel like I should reintroduce myself, but then again that seems so silly, we were together for four and a half years.

Earlier this month realized it’s been TEN years since we spoke and I just thought I’d write, say hi, see how you’re doing and what you’re up to.

I imagine you heard, but I’m married now! That’s crazy, right? Her name is Work, and she’s great. We spend a TON of time together and it’s so … good. Some people might say we spend too much time together, that we should be more like one of those relaxed European couples you always hear about but … I don’t know, I think it’s ok.

Anyway! What have you been up to? I heard you moved on pretty quickly. Not that I think that’s bad, I just … oh I don’t know, after we broke up I met Work but I still thought of you … probably too much.

Remember how some afternoons we’d go just do NOTHING and even take a nap sometimes? Oh man. That was so great. Work would NEVER do that with me.

I’m not saying Work is uptight! No way! Work’s awesome! She’s so great! It’s just …

Work doesn’t really like to just sit around and talk about stuff. You know? Like, if I say, ‘hey want to get drunk and talk about our feelings?’ I haven’t asked Work that, but I feel pretty confident she would NOT be down with that.

But whatever. She’s so cool.

College, you and I used to get in fights about finance and with Work that just does NOT happen. I used to get so frustrated because we’d go out to eat, or go on a trip, or go to a show, and you’d say, ‘hey mind paying for this? Also, rent’s due.’ It’s tacky to say, but it was INCREDIBLY expensive dating you. Work might sometimes feel a little soul sucking but at least I’m not broke.

Wait. Soul sucking. That sounds so bad.

Again, Work is awesome and I’m completely over you College.

But.

Wasn’t it so awesome when we spent a couple months together learning about the assassination of JFK, crazy conspiracy theories, less crazy conspiracy theories, stuff like that? Do you know how pointless all of that knowledge is now? But it was great!

And there would be those days where I was heading to do something productive, and the weather was wonderful, and instead I’d skip being productive and just walk around and look at the flowers that had just been planted, find a spot to lay down, and read whatever I wanted instead of something technical?

Some days I miss you so much College!

I mean … our friendship. I never want to go back to you, I’m so, so, so happy with Work. We’ll be together forever. Or at least what will feel like forever.

(This is totally catty, but you don’t even know Work so whatever … but a friend of mine met this girl Retirement? She sounds A. Maze. Ing. But I’m kind of afraid she might be secretly poisoning my friend? I don’t have any proof, it’s just things started off so well for them but now he doesn’t like to travel or do anything because he’s ‘tired.’ Pft. Whatever. Watch your back, Retirement, I’m onto you.)

Ha! Boy, I really have been bouncing all over the place in this letter, huh College?

I just wanted to write, say hi, tell you that I still value our relationship and what it did for me, and that I hope you’re doing well.

Advertisements

Attn: Ellen (12/13/17)

Front

Ellen329a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen329b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

The fact that pedophile vs anyone was a close election is tough … BUT, we just witnessed a real life, modern (but was it? KKK prosecutor vs man who likes teenage girls … what year is it??) … Anyway, a modern To Kill a Mockingbird.

So that’s nice?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

He’s a Pedophile, But …

If you’re in Alabama and heading to the polls this Tuesday, you’ve got a big decision. The pedophile, or the Democrat. This is, apparently, not an easy decision. Perhaps you are a Roy Moore fan and have just a smidgen of guilt. Don’t worry, we here at DumbFunnery have you covered. If we left off any of your ‘but …’ rationale, email us at DumbFunnery@gmail.com, comment on this post, or tweet us @DumbFunnery.

He’s a pedophile, but …

  • Boy does he have nice hats!
  • At least he’s not into children! By the way, what does pedophile mean?
  • Therapists need money too – and he’s helping create a huge base of people who need therapy. This is trickle down economics at its finest!
  • We all have our faults! For example, I can be gassy.
  • He clearly cares deeply about the children.

Go out, delude yourself into thinking all of the allegations are false, and vote with a clear conscious. Or, don’t be a crazy person, and vote for the non-pedophile.

Christmas Shopping Help

Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got some of your shopping done but you’re still missing gifts for a few people. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re the people who are the most difficult to buy for.

Don’t worry. We here at DumbFunnery have scoured the internet, obtained access to your emails, stalked your social media posts and know an alarming amount about you and your family. Not as much as Google knows about you, or Facebook, but still an unsettling amount.

Your Dad
Membership to the ‘Show Us You’re Nuts’ club which sends various nuts and inappropriate jokes every month

Your Mom
A punching bag, trust us, she needs this

Your Neighbor Who Did You That Big Favor and You’re Like, Do We Get Them Something?
A framed photo of you in a crop top

Your Brother-in-Law
A couple thousand dollars would save him from a broken leg, otherwise some good magazines to read in the hospital

Your Great Uncle Smimby
Monogrammed hand towels, and the nice thing is he’s not terribly concerned about if they are his initials or not

There you go, friends. Merry Christmas from us here at DumbFunnery.

Attn: Ellen (12/6/17)

Front

Ellen328a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen328b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here we see a cartoon depiction of our current political landscape.
Honestly, what’s the best course of action when the more you pay attention the more disheartened and disappointed you feel?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

November Haiku

November 1 (Wednesday)
‘Go ahead, make my …’
Would be a good restaurant.
Or not. Whatever.

November 2 (Thursday)
(Laughter subsiding)
Well sure! Cannibalism!
(Laughter picks back up)

November 3 (Friday)
Wake up. Status check.
Not exhausted! Fantastic!
Look out, here I come!

November 4 (Saturday)
Army – Air Force game
Don’t need to watch the scoreboard
Dad’s whoops tell it all

November 5 (Sunday)
Smile from kiddo
Rare, magical, and like drugs
I NEED MY NEXT FIX

November 6 (Monday)
Same problem for days
Did code fix itself this weekend?
Gah, that’d be scary.

November 7 (Tuesday)
Trumpy’s in Gina
He’s likely hoping to meet
THE General Tso

November 8 (Wednesday)
Twitter allows more
What do they want from me, huh?
Ten daily haiku?!

November 9 (Thursday)
Cooler weathers here
Makes for unpleasant jogging
But beautiful views

November 10 (Friday)
Catch up on the news.
Look at how long til work ends.
Big sigh. And repeat.

November 11 (Saturday)
Saw a swearing in
Heart heavy for future vets
With our simple pres

November 12 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks visiting
Because you need four people
To ‘awwww’ over poops

November 13 (Monday)
“What big teeth you have!”
“They’re dentures … You little brat …”
Little Red: Prequel

November 14 (Tuesday)
Year ago today:
‘Hope he’s not dumb as I think.’
Today: he’s dumber

November 15 (Wednesday)
‘Death by tickle fight’
If that was a news headline
World peaked? Or new low?

November 16 (Thursday)
Just think, future self
Years from now I’ll threaten son,
“Santa’s watching you!”

November 17 (Friday)
I’m shocked. SHOCKED I say!
Nation with ‘pussy grab’ pres
… Has sex pred problem?

November 18 (Saturday)
Classic burbs dad day
Chipotle, Target, Costco
Boundless adventure

November 19 (Sunday)
Finally caught up
With Game of Thrones … Anyone
Feel like discussing?

November 20 (Monday)
In 5 day work weeks
People work 5 days. 3 day weeks?
4 hours of work?

November 21 (Tuesday)
Long duration test
Failed after running for days
Big sigh. Try again.

November 22 (Wednesday)
“Sing-ularity”
A musical version of
The Terminator

November 23 (Thursday)
Happy Thanksgiving!
May you eat til you hate life!
Wait … That sounds … Not nice

November 24 (Friday)
Step 1: Fry turkey.
Step 2: Don’t burn down the house.
Step 3: Say ‘phew,’ eat.

November 25 (Saturday)
Folks watch the kiddo
While I go back up to bed
It’s the little things

November 26 (Sunday)
Some Christmas gifts done
Those that are toughest still blank
That seems about right

November 27 (Monday)
Hung up lights with pops
House looks great! … But already
Dreading taking down

November 28 (Tuesday)
Folks headed back home
And I’m back at work today
Day status: womp womp

November 29 (Wednesday)
Wrote work goals for year
‘Stay employed’ not on the list
But kinda implied

November 30 (Thursday)
How’s it possible
That short weeks always feel long?
Seriously. How?

Christmas Prep

Now that Thanksgiving is in the rearview mirror it is time to begin prepping for Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas … if you don’t, read on, this is all made up nonsense anyway so I’m not excluding anyone).

Oprah is often a source for favorite things, and what better way to decorate than to model Oprah’s favorite things? But, I’ll do you one better. One of Oprah’s things that she has yet to pick – Gayle! Her buddy! Print off a few pictures of Gayle’s face and frame them in festive Christmas frames.

And that’s it.

Yep. You read that right.

2012-01-23-gaylekingcbscreditJust a bunch of Gayle’s framed around your house.

For the real go-getter, frame pictures of her hands, maybe a close up of her ears. Get to the point that you feel creepy and deranged, and know that you’ve just begun.

Then invite family and friends over.

Those who want to stay, make sure to never spend time around those people again. Yikes. As for the rest of your family and friends, we here at DumbFunnery wish you the best of luck in convincing them you’re not nuts.

Merry Christmas Prep Everyone!

%d bloggers like this: