DumbFunnery

Dear College,

How have you been? I know we haven’t talked since things ended between us, but I just wanted to write and see what you’ve been up to. I heard from a friend the other day that you’ve moved on, that you’ve got someone now? That’s great. I’m really happy for you! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’ve got someone new, too.

Her name is Work.

She’s wonderful!

You know how you and I would get in little fights, randomly, all the time? Well, Work and I don’t have that problem. She’s really steady and I know, sure, she may stress me out sometimes, but she knows how to back off and give me alone time. With you … Well I just didn’t know when to expect problems with you.

But I didn’t write to complain. I’m sorry about that! I just wanted to talk. Speaking of talking, Work is great at talking. Sometimes you and I would get into these ridiculous, lofty conversations about total nonsense and I enjoyed them at the time but I also knew they were just … Anyway, Work’s not that way. She’s very practical.

And my parents love her! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I know it might be a sore spot with you, because my parents never really approved of how long you and I dated.

I remember when I first told my Dad about you he said, “Son, that’s great, go ahead and sow your wild oats.”

They never appreciated you, College!

God I miss you so much sometimes!

Some days I’ll wake up in the morning and close my eyes and wish we were still together. Remember how that used to be? We’d wake up whenever! Some days we wouldn’t even get out of bed!

But Work isn’t like that … She wakes me up at pretty much the same time every day. And she would never take a nap in the middle of the afternoon like we used to do, College!

I was so crazy to move on!

It was my parents – it’s because of them!

My Dad hated how much money I spent when we were together. But we were just having fun! I think it’s because, when he was my age, he was with this really uptight girl from West Point, New York. He was just jealous!

I can’t believe I felt like I needed to move on to someone more “mature.”

Oh, Work’s more mature all right.

The last guy she was with – you’ll never believe this! – was an old man! She called him, “Boomer!” What a dorky pet name!

Work says she loves my “youth and energy,” but I know there are some days when she’s just thinking that I’m young and stupid, and that I’ll never be able to replace her ex.

Well, Work, you’ll never be able to replace College!

I can’t believe I’m writing this! I feel like I’m cheating on Work!

(I’m at her place right now, can you believe it? She’d be so mad if she found out I was doing this. She’s such a task-master.)

I can’t help but miss you! Remember how sometimes we’d go and get a pizza at three in the morning! Work would never do that with me. I’m lucky if I’m ever up past eleven.

I just don’t know why I’m writing you this letter, College. I knew from the beginning our relationship was a temporary one. It burned hard and fast … It couldn’t last forever (could it?).

I guess I’m just trying to be cathartic.

I’m sorry … I know you always used to complain about how you felt like I was “using you.” You thought I was just biding my time, waiting for something better to come along. Well, if it makes you feel any better, apparently there is some sort of cosmic justice (remember when we talked about that? That one night? We ate chips and sat outside and just talked and talked?). I say this because I have the definite feeling that Work is using me.

Sometimes I’ll tell Work stories about you, and I can tell she gets upset by it. She’ll start talking about her ex, then. “Boomer.” And she’ll tell me how “Boomer” never used to talk about his ex when he was with her! Well if “Boomer’s” so great, why did they break up at all!

Anyway, I hope things are going great with whoever you’re with now. Maybe I did use you, College, so maybe try not to let it happen with this guy? If nothing else – at least get a few good meals out of him! Sorry, that was a crude joke.
I’d better go, Work just yelled at me to go help her with something.

All the best,
Brad