The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘work’

March 2018 Haiku

March 1 (Thursday)
Hour long car ride
Nice to wander aimlessly
While the kiddo naps

March 2 (Friday)
Questions seem simple
Until you work with someone
Who is bad at them

March 3 (Saturday)
“Put on whatever”
I pick a fantastic film
“Action movie?!?” (….Duh.)

March 4 (Sunday)
I remember when
Sundays didn’t make me think
Of politicians

March 5 (Monday)
Skipping work out class
To keep working on my code
Yeah, it’s clear I’m cool

March 6 (Tuesday)
Costco with the kid
Tons to look at, lunch to go
For dad’s long nap drive

March 7 (Wednesday)
Rushed to finish code
Then it didn’t make the build
Great googly moogly

March 8 (Thursday)
Trip to library
Lady: “what a cute baby!”
‘scuse, you meant cutest

March 9 (Friday)
Wife got promoted!
Calls for flowers and ice cream!
(Ice cream’s always key)

March 10 (Saturday)
Early morning jog
I feel like I’m the Tin Man
Without his oil

March 11 (Sunday)
Daylight savings time
First time ever I’m for it
Kid now wakes at 6!

March 12 (Monday)
Last bit of wife’s jog
Head outside with the kiddo
Workout ends with grins

March 13 (Tuesday)
Came up with insult
Tell someone they’re a Tuesday
Means nothing, sounds harsh

March 14 (Wednesday)
Bunch of colleagues canned
Go from sad to my old pal …
Hi gallows humor

March 15 (Thursday)
It’s March Madness time
Which sounds like 20s slang for
Aunt Flo visiting

March 16 (Friday)
Is it just me, or
You, too, call guys named Gary
Gare-Bear? (Not out loud)

March 17 (Saturday)
Wild St. Pat’s day
Bought some clothes that were on sale
… And … That’s about it

March 18 (Sunday)
Vacuuming barefoot
One of life’s simple pleasures
Warn, clean (ish) carpet

March 19 (Monday)
No matter the guest
Arrive, greet the cute baby,
Then, to me, ‘oh, hey’

March 20 (Tuesday)
My mom is in town
To watch the kid, and bring gifts
And I got one, too!

March 21 (Wednesday)
Cheated sleep system
Kid woke at 5, rocked to sleep
Cute, snuggly cheating

March 22 (Thursday)
Coworker comes in
Someone discussing her code
Defense mode – ENGAGE!

March 23 (Friday)
My mom left today
She came, saw, and babysat
Then on to next gig

March 24 (Saturday)
The boy found his feet
Both limber, and frustrated
Review’s in: Tastes gross

March 25 (Sunday)
Kids first tooth coming!
An excited mom declares
Let pokes, prods increase

March 26 (Monday)
Wife’s mom is in town
Is my son also a sun?
With doting planets?

March 27 (Tuesday)
Opting out today
Asked for no updates on kid
Prepping for daycare

March 28 (Wednesday)
Reading Handmaid’s Tale
Nothing better than feeling
Depressed before bed

March 29 (Thursday)
Grandpa flying in
Grandparent’s ‘who gets more laughs’
Competition starts

March 30 (Friday)
Got a new backpack
Bulky and insane looking …
But I’m pumped for hikes!

March 31 (Saturday)
Bye to grandparents
Back to a quiet household
(Well, plus squawking kid)

 

IMG_20180331_134627442

Hello awkward ride. Hopefully this weekend I’ll take it for a real test drive.

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Dear College

Hey! How are you? It’s me … I feel like I should reintroduce myself, but then again that seems so silly, we were together for four and a half years.

Earlier this month realized it’s been TEN years since we spoke and I just thought I’d write, say hi, see how you’re doing and what you’re up to.

I imagine you heard, but I’m married now! That’s crazy, right? Her name is Work, and she’s great. We spend a TON of time together and it’s so … good. Some people might say we spend too much time together, that we should be more like one of those relaxed European couples you always hear about but … I don’t know, I think it’s ok.

Anyway! What have you been up to? I heard you moved on pretty quickly. Not that I think that’s bad, I just … oh I don’t know, after we broke up I met Work but I still thought of you … probably too much.

Remember how some afternoons we’d go just do NOTHING and even take a nap sometimes? Oh man. That was so great. Work would NEVER do that with me.

I’m not saying Work is uptight! No way! Work’s awesome! She’s so great! It’s just …

Work doesn’t really like to just sit around and talk about stuff. You know? Like, if I say, ‘hey want to get drunk and talk about our feelings?’ I haven’t asked Work that, but I feel pretty confident she would NOT be down with that.

But whatever. She’s so cool.

College, you and I used to get in fights about finance and with Work that just does NOT happen. I used to get so frustrated because we’d go out to eat, or go on a trip, or go to a show, and you’d say, ‘hey mind paying for this? Also, rent’s due.’ It’s tacky to say, but it was INCREDIBLY expensive dating you. Work might sometimes feel a little soul sucking but at least I’m not broke.

Wait. Soul sucking. That sounds so bad.

Again, Work is awesome and I’m completely over you College.

But.

Wasn’t it so awesome when we spent a couple months together learning about the assassination of JFK, crazy conspiracy theories, less crazy conspiracy theories, stuff like that? Do you know how pointless all of that knowledge is now? But it was great!

And there would be those days where I was heading to do something productive, and the weather was wonderful, and instead I’d skip being productive and just walk around and look at the flowers that had just been planted, find a spot to lay down, and read whatever I wanted instead of something technical?

Some days I miss you so much College!

I mean … our friendship. I never want to go back to you, I’m so, so, so happy with Work. We’ll be together forever. Or at least what will feel like forever.

(This is totally catty, but you don’t even know Work so whatever … but a friend of mine met this girl Retirement? She sounds A. Maze. Ing. But I’m kind of afraid she might be secretly poisoning my friend? I don’t have any proof, it’s just things started off so well for them but now he doesn’t like to travel or do anything because he’s ‘tired.’ Pft. Whatever. Watch your back, Retirement, I’m onto you.)

Ha! Boy, I really have been bouncing all over the place in this letter, huh College?

I just wanted to write, say hi, tell you that I still value our relationship and what it did for me, and that I hope you’re doing well.

I’m Workin’ Here, I’m Workin’!

Recently at work I was searching through old notebooks for notes I had taken on something a while back. I KNEW I had written notes on how to do this, I just didn’t know which notebook.

Anyhow, while searching I found two things. One, a dramatic poem:

your liquid logic
spreads sugary lies
that I imbibe
and oh I’ll feel sick
but not now
pass me another please

And two, a delightful quote I recorded from a co-worker who approached life with a sort of neutral pessimism. I know you can’t hear my thoughts, but when I read this quote I can hear his Arkansas accent lazily acknowledging each word,

“we’re always screwed, man, that’s our state of being.”

And, I have to brag, I eventually found the notes I was looking for. They were from May 2011.

Attn: Ellen (11/11/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here we are in November and a big day at my work is coming up (big day in a good way). But this deadlines has been prone to some movement.

I don’t know if you watch much football, but imagine the deadline is the football, and it’s a snowy or rainy game and the ball has been fumbled and every time someone tries to pick it up they instead kick it or knock it away. So the question is, will the FUMMMMBLE-ITIS!!! stop this month?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

First Day of Work Tweets

@bikes4bullies, 6:36 am: Ahhhh! First day of work! SO EXCITED!!

@bikes4bullies, 7:12 am: Leaving now! I could hardly eat breakfast!

@bikes4bullies, 7:18 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: dude i think im still drunk. good luck.

@bikes4bullies, 7:40 am: Dang got here way too early! Now I’m sitting in the parking lot like a perv. Some good looking coworkers though o_O =D

@bikes4bullies, 8:10 am: Everyone is super nice. Score!

@bikes4bullies, 8:59 am: Ok. No harassment. No misuse of resources. No super long breaks. Don’t talk like an idiot. Don’t look like an idiot. Got it.

@bikes4bullies, 9:25 am: @champchimp4life Lawlz … No I write my tweets on the sly and only takes a few seconds so it’s not misusing any company time or anything.

@bikes4bullies, 9:26 am: The bathroom smells weird. Yes, I’m toilet tweeting. Twoileting?

@bikes4bullies, 10:02 am: Still in hr training stuff … so basically you’re saying use common sense … seriously, got it …

@bikes4bullies, 10:41 am: One of the people in the sexual harassment video was hot. Is that weird? jk jk

@bikes4bullies, 11:12 am: Goooooooood godddddddddd make this stop

@bikes4bullies, 11:14 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: thats what she said

@bikes4bullies, 12:49 pm: Lunch couldn’t last long enough. I’m only like 4 hours into my day. How is this possible?

@bikes4bullies, 2:14 pm: Dang I just realized like I have to do this like forever?

@bikes4bullies, 2:17 pm: I wonder if anyone has ever cried during training because they realized the summer of their life is over.

@bikes4bullies, 2:19 pm: hahasorry too real right?

@bikes4bullies, 3:02 pm: Wow. This guy I just walked by is like a genuine hunchback. I think I’m going to do that 10 minute break from your computer an hour thing.

@bikes4bullies, 3:14 pm: Would it be considered bad to play hooky on your second day of work?

@bikes4bullies, 3:52 pm: Ok sorry. Got some negative tweets. I’ve got a job. It’s good. It’s cool. It’s just that I miss college.

@bikes4bullies, 4:12 pm: Saw my desk. This is some genuine Office Space stuff right here! I even saw a guy with a red stapler.

@bikes4bullies, 4:14 pm: Who is going out tonight?

@bikes4bullies, 4:15 pm: Because I’m not! LOL!

@bikes4bullies, 4:20 pm: Got a bunch of responses to that … Maybe it’s less LOL and more … I don’t know. The guy I sit next to has been working in that EXACT SAME CUBE longer than I’ve been alive.

@bikes4bullies, 4:34 pm: Did you know 26 minutes is 1,560 seconds? I just learned that.

@bikes4bullies, 4:35 pm: Did you know 25 minutes is 1,500 seconds? Haha ok I’m done.

@bikes4bullies, 4:44 pm: Here’s my new way to tell how slowly time is moving … If I’d rather be doing sit-ups time is SLOW. If I’d rather be at yoga time is moving at an ungodly slow pace.

@bikes4bullies, 4:59 pm: So a co-worker just told me that one guy at work Googled my name and found my Twitter account and apparently a lot of people I set by have been watching this and laughing all day.

@bikes4bullies, 5:01 pm: Oh shit they saw that too.

@bikes4bullies, 5:04 pm: See you tomorrow (co-workers). Everyone else, I’ll write you on fb to send you a new screen name

Unambiguous Ways to Tell Someone You Don’t Particularly Care for Them

  1. You know when you’re drinking from a water fountain right next to a bathroom and someone flushes a toilet and the water pressure on the fountain changes and for a second your brain thinks about a flushing toilet while you’re drinking water? That’s how I feel when I see your face.
  1. Being around you is like eating lunch when suddenly a commercial about how many bits of dead rat, bugs, dead skin, etc are allowable in food processing.
  1. Have you ever walked to the bathroom and when you go inside you see that the stalls are full so you do an about face and leave the bathroom and your boss and boss’s boss are right there and they give you a quizzical look and you feel awkward so you say, “changed my mind!” but then you realize you should’ve just kept silent and walked away, but now you’re feeling like you can’t leave on the ‘changed my mind’ note so you force a laugh and that just makes things worse. It’s like … being around you feels like that.
  2. Have Clint Eastwood’s resting face.

    And this is him looking forward to seeing someone.

Was That You?

The area where my work is located is also great for jogging. It’s a suburb of Houston that has a lot of sidewalks and you can map out a bunch of different routes for different mileage. Plus, since I lived near work for so long, jogging around that area makes perfect sense.

Except.

Except for the occasional honk from a co-worker driving by. But wait, you might think, isn’t that nice? A little cheer from a co-worker? Yes, you’re right, it is nice.

But.

But what if at that moment I’m doing something I’d rather a co-worker didn’t see?

  1. Getting angry at a car waiting for a light to turn green that has pulled up onto the walkway. (Darn you.)
  2. Getting angry at a car inching forward to turn right on red while only looking left (meanwhile I am to the driver’s right hoping he/she sees me and trying to determine what to do).
  3. Musical butt (sorry … but it’s true)
  4. The runner’s nose blow (where you use a finger to plug one nostril, then just BLOW from the other nostril and whala, nasal passage re-enabled!)
  5. That time I grew out my Abraham Lincoln/Amish facial hair and ran shirtless during the summer (6’3 of skinny whiteness with a thick tuft of neck beard … blech) (Thankfully this is not a current scene that can be witnessed, but I do can still easily look like a nut while running – as seen here)

 

Thank you for supporting your local jogging enthusiasts while they are out doing their thing, just please wipe the memory from your mind if I look crazy/mean/smelly.

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