The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘50 Shades of Grey’

Two Shades of Vague, Part III

Two Shades of Vague

III

Susanna is shocked, as are others, when I inform them that I’ll be having dinner that night with Shimper. Honestly, who wouldn’t be? First of all, why me? No, seriously. And secondly, I’ve never really dated. But now that I am having dinner with him – I am insulted by anyone implying that it is out of the ordinary for me to have dinner with the world’s richest/youngest/best-lookingest bachelor.

My inner goddess hears people asking questions doubting this dinner, and wonders in her best Samuel L. Jackson voice, ‘do I have to slap a bitch?’

I arrive at the hotel where Shimper is staying in my beat up old car. Sure, it’s a junky car, but it gets the job done. I guess you could say this car is representative of me somewhat, it’s not flashy, but it’s reliable and nice. Homey. Americana. You know, that kind of thing. I bet Shimper drives the flashiest, nicest car out there, to illustrate that he is rich, and therefore attractive. Where was I? Oh, right, just arriving for dinner.

I hand the valet guy my keys and I immediately assume he’ll steal my car. Just kidding! It’s a POS, but I love it. Have I mentioned that?

I go inside and Shimper is at the bar. He’s wearing a plain white, linen shirt, which is an inconsequential detail that I love about him. My inner drill instructor says, “ooh, girl!” at my casual use of the word love being used on something to do with Shimper. I’m shocked, too. Love? Could it be? My train of thought is interrupted when I notice Shimper approaching. I decide to put it aside to think more about later. In fact, I put it aside five times, so that I can over think it.

“Miss Gasm,” Shimper coos.
“Mr. Vague,” I say shyly.
“You look beautiful.”

I blush.

“I wish I knew what you were thinking,” Shimper says.

Fourteen minutes later I finish telling him what I was just thinking. Get it? Cause I have a lot of thoughts going on at once. I’m deep like a river. No, wait, an ocean.

Shimper leads me to a private room where we’ll have dinner. I am ecstatic over the idea of spending time with him, and I realize I’m too excited to even eat one bite. Maybe I can muster up the appetite for some mildly witty banter, I’m always hungry for that.

“It looks delicious,” I say, glancing back and forth between Shimper and the food laid out for us.
“I agree,” Shimper says, staring only at me.
“You didn’t look at the food …,” I whisper. “Oh, I get it.” I blush. Shimper’s eyes widen.
“Sit. Eat.” Shimper commands.
“You are quite bossy, sir,” I say in a confusing mix of complaining about something while acquiescing to it.
“I like it when you call me sir …” Shimper says. His jaw tense. His voice husky. His eyes widen. Yeah, that’s right, the trifecta.
“Oysters, hmm? What’s the big idea …?”
“Well, I want to bone. I didn’t bring you here just for dinner, ya know. Here are some papers about boning. What do you think?”

Operation Give a Dude a Bone

Article I

I’m creepy, don’t worry about it. Look how rich I am.

Article II

I will command aspects of your personal life. And we’ll bone a bunch. All of this you will find incredibly attractive. Oh and if I want to cause you pain, you’ll be into that too.

Article III

Did I mention … boning?

Article IV

Shhhh. Nobody needs to know about this.

_____________________
The boner: Shimper Vague
Signature:

_____________________
The bonee: Olivia Gasm
Signature:

I read through and am shocked! When I glance up I find that Shimper has been staring at me the whole time. Even though this should be unnerving, I blush and feel it in my koala refuge. You know, down under …

“Mr. Vague …” I say vaguely.
“Miss Gasm …” Shimper says orgasmically.

Then we do it. And it’s totally rad.

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Two Shades of Vague, Part II

Two Shades of Vague

II

The elevator doors open and I walk out. Shimper has resumed his cool and controlled self, except he has some lipstick of mine smeared on his face. Somehow this makes him look even more authoritative.

“Miss Gasm,” Mr. Vague says, his breath hitching as he says it.
“Mr. Vague,” I say, his eyes widening.

For the first time in my life I realize how much I love mentioning breath hitching and eyes widening. At the realization of this I blush. Mr. Vague’s eyes widen again at my blushing.

“What are you thinking, Miss Gasm?” he asks sternly.
“I was trying to think where I parked my car,” I reply. Then I realize I have no idea where I parked my car. That’s ironic.

I manage to find my way to my car and I drive home. This is another opportunity for me to think through things. Here’s a breakdown of my thoughts.

2.5% – This is finals week, and I better work toward that
2.5% – Various friends and family and what they’re up to
5%    – More introduction to myself as a character (honestly, stuff you wouldn’t want to hear about)
45% – Hitching breath
45% – Eyes widening

I get home, and Susanna is waiting for me. Oh no!, she’s going to want to know everything about the interview!

“How’d the interview go!?,” Susanna says.
“Oh, it was fine,” I say, unsure where to start, and knowing I don’t want to mention that … kiss. Oh, that kiss. My inner goddess is making a gun with one hand and pointing at me and making “pew pew pew” noises.
“Fine? What happened? Did he take your breath away with his good looks?” I look at Susanna, shocked, how did she know! Susanna responds as though she’s read my mind, “I saw lots of pictures of him when I was looking up information about him for the interview.”

Oh of course. The internet. Although it is 2011, and I am a senior in college, I am still very unfamiliar with this thing. I thought my grandmother’s stance on the internet was the approach to take – so I have avoided having an email, and I am maintaining my staunch advocacy of obliviousness towards all things net. Lawlz, it’s so silly that I’m like this. o_O you might think, but it’s who I am.

“He answered all your questions, and I have them on the tape recorder I left on the counter in the kitchen … I need to shower for work!” I run off before she has a chance to answer. I know she’ll be curious about the interview, and that tape will keep her occupied for a while. Even better, it’ll give me a chance to process that kiss. Oh, that kiss. My inner goddess does the cabbage patch.

I work at a place in town that’s a mom and pop shop. This reinforces my small town America good girl sweetness. I am close to the owners and the brother of the owner, who wants to bone me. No biggie. Just sayin.’ I find myself unattractive, but some good looking dudes want to bone me – so that means I’m just bashful and unaware of my hotness. Aw, shucks. I think this stuff, but in a much more verbose way.

I get to work and it gives me time to think. This is both a blessing and a curse. Part of me wants to shut off my brain and get rid of all the thoughts of Shimper. Part of me wants to curl up inside my brain and only spend time with my memories of him. Or wait, no I don’t want that. Oh wait, yeah I do. I don’t know. I think I’m in love! No wait, it’s hunger.

I have a snack. The snack is chocolate, it’s sweet, like Shimper’s kiss. Oh, what a kiss! My inner goddess does the running man. She’s really good at it. I wish you guys could see it. Oh dang!, and my inner goddess just did the splits!

I’m lost in thought, looking down, when my boss yells, “Olivia!, you have a customer in front of you!” I look up and – oh my! – it’s HIM! Shimper Vague is here, in this store, hot as the sun, wait, hotter than the sun!, and I’m melting in his presence …

“Miss Gasm,” Shimper says. The way he says my name sends shivers down to my hoo-ha. It’s neat-o mosquito. Suddenly I realize, oh, the effect he has on me is sexual! I get it now! At twenty-two years of age, memories of health class come flooding back to me. More importantly, the most poignant line of Kindergarten Cop comes back to me, “Boys have penises, and girls have vaginas.”

Shimper interrupts my revelry with a statement, “Oh, Miss Gasm, I wish I could know what you’re thinking.”
“Oh, just thinking about birds … and bees,” I realize I’m blushing, and my statement has just made me turn the color of the Communist Manifesto. Get it? Cause it’s written by a bunch of red commie bastards! I’m so clever. For once, Shimper seems at a loss for words. I take this opportunity to seize the upper hand, and coolly say, “what can I help you with, Mr. Vague?”
“Some supplies,” he’s recovered his cool so quickly!, “I need some rope, and a board.”
“Ok, the rope is on aisle four … do you need manilla rope? Or nylon? Or polypro?” Mr. Vague’s eyes simmer with heat, with each type of rope I list his eyes go to a new level of smoldering. If I had to compare it to something, I wouldn’t, because I’m bad at that.
“Lead the way …,” Shimper says huskily, quietly, hotly. I feel like Shimper, because I wish I could know what he was thinking! As though he’s reading my mind, he suddenly stops, grabs my hand (and it’s electric! boogie-woogie-woogie!), and begins to speak, “Miss Gasm … I find your knowledge of ropes very … alluring. I have apparently never encountered anyone with knowledge of ropes even though I run in kinky rope-loving circles, and … I have a proposition for you … Have dinner with me tonight at a fancy hotel?”
“I guess you’ve … roped me into dinner,” I say, as I hand Shimper some rope.
“Oh, Gasm.” He says, and something down there is all whoop-whoop!, time to go to party-town!

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Two Shades of Vague, Part I

I read 50 Shades of Grey (some quotes here), and I didn’t enjoy it. About 500 pages of stuff I didn’t enjoy. However, I will give the book credit where it is due – I had a lot of fun making fun of the book. My friend Airplanes and I read the book for book club, and last night we met and talked about it. I decided I wanted to write my own mini-version of 50 Shades for my blog. It will be a four part series. If you don’t like incredibly stupid things, you probably aren’t a regular reader of my blog … if you do, keep on keeping on!

Like I said above, I really enjoyed making fun of this book. When I would make fun of it, I would usually say things like, “and then we went to bone-town USA, population sex, and it was rad.” So, you’re in for that kind of language. Really, this is just an excuse for me to bash the book some more, and because I find it funny to say things like “population sex.” Here we go …

Two Shades of Vague

I

My name is Olivia Gasm, and God do I ever hate my hips! My roommate, Susanna Strabismus, is knocking on the bathroom door.

“Hurry up Olivia, I’m gorgeous and you need to go soon!” Ugh!, Susanna is so gorgeous! I call her ‘slip and slide,’ because men can hardly stand when they’re near her. Also, she always looks like she’s only partly paying attention to them, which totes mcgotes works for her.

“I’m moving!, I’m moving!,” I say, and then proceed to take ten more minutes. I just can’t get my hair right. Susanna should expect that I would be taking long – I’m getting dressed up nicely for her! Susanna is the editor of our college’s newspaper. She has managed to score an interview with Shimper Vague, the enigmatic owner of Canada. He’s really powerful and rich and that doesn’t matter to me (but it does).

The thing is, Susanna can’t go interview Mr. Vague – something has come up. Her excuse sounds fairly weak and contrived to me, but I am ok with that. When she asked me to interview him for her instead, I was confused. We go to a college with more than 21,000 people pursuing their undergraduate degrees, and as a major player in the student paper, you’d think she could get someone else who is on the paper … for example, I don’t know anything about Mr. Vague. Susanna has prepared some questions though. I’ll just be able to read through those.

Then I drive far away for the interview. I have some thoughts that are, frankly, boring, but they establish me more as a character who, ultimately, you will find lacking. My inner goddess stares at me with wide-eyes, shocked at my honesty.

I go to Mr. Vague’s office, “Olivia Gasm, here on behalf of Susanna Strabismus, to see Mr. Vague.” The secretary I am talking to is a totally hot babe. Me-ow, I think to myself, because I have apparently turned into a twelve year old boy. Everyone at this office is totally hotsville, and I take this opportunity to hate these hips! Oh God I hate these hips!

While waiting to go into Mr. Vague’s office, I label the babes based on hotness. News flash – they are all labeled babe numero uno. Then, babe numero uno says, “Mr. Vague will see you now, go right in.” I see a flash of Mr. Vague, and he is beautiful! Suddenly I find that I’m nervous. I stumble, and he kindly helps me up. I am such a klutz! I regain my feet, and lose my voice.

“Hello, I’m Shimper Vague, it’s nice to meet you, Miss Gasm.” Hearing him say my name sends shivers down my spine. Finally I find my voice, and I manage to say something.

“I love witty banter,” I say to him, almost in a whisper.
“What?” he says. Oh good, the banter has begun. I giggle, and his eyes widen slightly.
“Thank you for doing this interview for my college. I’m sorry Susanna couldn’t make it, she’s sick or whatever.” I am shocked that I am able to put together a coherent sentence because have I mentioned he’s hot like whoa and that is overwhelming for me.
“Please, let’s go into my office.”

I follow Shimper Vague into his office. It is a large office, very utilitarian. I could describe the office, allowing you to get a sense that Mr. Vague is into power, form above function, and organization, or I could talk more about how hot he is, because dizzammmmmn ya’ll have you seen that bod!?

“Please sit down, Miss Gasm.” Shimper says this with grace and elegance, I bet he’s in toastmasters or something.
“Question number one, do you know what the color mauve looks like?” I ask this, and then I’m shocked, because I apparently couldn’t take five minutes to glance at Susanna’s list of questions. I can’t believe Susanna just came right out, fists swinging, and asked about mauve!
“Miss Gasm, I am not gay.” Prove it, my inner goddess says. I high-five her in my mind, because good one!
“If you were a stop light, which color would you be?” I ask this, thinking what a stupid question.
“I would be green … and red,” I gasp at his answer! His voice is so husky! Like one of those dogs, a husky. Two shades of vague … this man is an enigma! He is doing things to my body that I have never experienced before, however unlikely that may seem.
“If you had to grade your ownership of Canada, what grade would you give yourself?” This question also seems contrived, like a set up for a bad joke.
“I’d give it an … ‘A’,” he says this with a smirk. Oh, that smirk! What I wouldn’t give to see that smirk again! “Miss Gasm, you seem really intelligent, how would you like a job here?” I’m shocked at this, because I really haven’t been making much of an impression here, and if he’s so successful you’d think he’d be more into hiring people who DO give good impressions.
“I’m flattered, Mr. Vague, but I don’t think I would fit in here.”

Much quicker than you’d expect, given that it took Susanna tons of effort to get this interview, my questions are all done.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Vague, for your time today. Susanna, my school, and I, are all very appreciative.” I know I need to leave, but part of me wants to stay! What is this?! I don’t understand why part of me wants to stay! Even though crushes are a fairly common and intuitive part of the human experience, I am confused by mine. I blush, embarrassed about my lack of self-awareness. His eyes widen. This causes me to blush more. His eyes go even wider. It’s creepy looking. My blushing stops.

“Miss Vague, let me give you my card, and I’ll ride down the elevator with you.”

We get in the elevator together and suddenly the air between us is charged with energy. My hand accidentally brushes against his, and my secret garden gets a rain shower that allows some flowers to blossom. What the hell does this mean? I don’t know, but I knows what I likes, and I likes this.

Suddenly he grabs me and his mouth is on mine. Smoochy, smoochy, smoochy. Ooohhheeee. He pulls back, letting me go just as violently as he’s grabbed me. I don’t know if I want to kick him in the junk, or jump his bones … my inner goddess wants me to do both! She’s so crazy. And apparently into some weird stuff.

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