The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Attn: Ellen (4/17/19)

Front

Ellen395a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen395b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

At my son’s daycare they send ‘incident reports’ if he gets banged up. The most recent one was, “[your son] was sitting on a friend, and the friend scratched his face.” The led me to conclude I wouldn’t last a day at daycare.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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Mother’s Iced Oatmeal Cookies

Mom: Did you hear my big news?

Child: Uh … yeah … Dad told me …

IMG_20190331_194006607Mom: Well!? Isn’t it just such a wonderful idea!?

Child: Uh … yeah … it’s exciting, mom.

Mom: Everyone has just always had such wonderful things to say about my cookies! And now everyone in the world can have them since I’m going into business!

Child: Yeah, your cookies …

Mom: Yes?

Child: They … keep. They keep better than any other cookie. Fresh or three weeks old, you can’t tell a difference.

Mom: Well, what an unusual compliment!

Child: I mean they’re good … It’s just like … Every time you have one you’re like, ‘oh yeah. This flavor.’

Mom: Now everyone will know that same delightful experience!

Child: Maybe you could have a recipe on the back to make something else with the cookies.

Mom: Like a cookie pie?

Child: No I was thinking like … a shed. Or the hull of a shipping vessel.

Mom: Hmm. Your dad said skyscrapers.

Child: Oh yeah! That’s a good one, dad.

Mom: Well. You can’t have any of these that are about to come out of the oven.

Child: All right! Thanks mom!

Mom: …

Attn: Ellen (4/10/19)

Front

 

Ellen394a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen394b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think, in the history of Welch’s, anyone has even been fired for saying ‘hey! That’s really grape news!’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

March 2019 Haiku

March 1 (Friday)
Wife gone for weekend
My mom’s flying in to help
And freeze (temp’s ZERO)

March 2 (Saturday)
Swim lesson today
Big windows show snow falling
While we play in pool

March 3 (Sunday)
Kiddo is WALKING
He BEAMS as he takes some steps
He’s so pleased! (Us, too!)

March 4 (Monday)
My mom brought ‘baby’
Kid walks holding baby doll
Happiness abounds

March 5 (Tuesday)
Kiddo has new cough
The little disease magnet
Please sleep despite cough?!

March 6 (Wednesday)
Babysitter time
Kid and sitter snuggle up
Rest up, lil cougher

March 7 (Thursday)
Wife stays home with son
Low key day with hopes of sleep
Emphasis on hope

March 8 (Friday)
Dear sleep gods … THANK YOU
Kid and I snuggled some, then …
He slept 10 straight hours!

March 9 (Saturday)
New swim class begins …
Class goes up to 3 year olds
(Runt of litter here!)

March 10 (Sunday)
Kid’s vocab grows on
Wish he’d say them in a row
For record keeping

March 11 (Monday)
Meeting to find out
Just how lost/confused are we?
Lead’s way late (not great)

March 12 (Tuesday)
Tomorrow: blizzard
Today: playing at the park
60 degrees out!

March 13 (Wednesday)
‘Blizzard provisions’
Includes donut holes for kid
Surprise: he LOVES them

March 14 (Thursday)
Kid demands: ‘apple!’
Healthy? No. That’s what he called
Donut hole he had

March 15 (Friday)
Grandparents in town
Kid eats up all eyes on him
Playing peek-a-boo

March 16 (Saturday)
Sledding adventure
Kid feels off, sits and watches
Silly mom and dad

March 17 (Sunday)
Grandparents watch kid
While he takes FOUR HOUR NAP
Boring gig for them

March 18 (Monday)
Basement starts today!
Noise, strangers for many weeks
Will be great when done!

March 19 (Tuesday)
Why’s it called Tuesday?
Cause it’s twice the fun of Monday!
…I’ll see myself out

March 20 (Wednesday)
FAST basement progress
In the same time I would have
Hammered in one board

March 21 (Thursday)
Kid sick this weekend
Then, per our pattern, mom’s turn
Now it is my turn

March 22 (Friday)
Stomach says ‘I’m fine!’
No food last night so I EAT
Stomach says, ‘uh … sooo …’

March 23 (Saturday)
Minimal movement
Plus having a toddler means
Wife does all the work

March 24 (Sunday)
A bit better now
Museum with the kiddo
Fun stuff to see/do

March 25 (Monday)
After rough weekend
Monday is no spot of joy
Here we go, long week

March 26 (Tuesday)
Sweet – ran those commands!
Now we get to the hard part
What did I just do?

March 27 (Wednesday)
Post-work walk with son
Key step is: stop, pick up dirt
And just stare at it

March 28 (Thursday)
Kid’s spoon skills are great!
Can eat cereal solo*!
*Sans random bowl flips …

March 29 (Friday)
Kid woke up crying
‘Want to come cuddle with dad?’
Aggressive nod yes

March 30 (Saturday)
Date day with Mrs.
Enjoying nature’s splendor
Then, belly’s splendor

March 31 (Sunday)
Kid, wife at playdate
So it’s mini donuts and
Action flick for me

Attn: Ellen (4/3/19)

Front

 

Ellen393a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen393b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I decided when retire I’m going to move to Tibet and build a wall. (Psst. My hope is it’ll be so nice and wall-like people will call it the Even Better Wall of Tibet.)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Opportunity of a Lifetime

I think if Willem Dafoe isn’t going to a costume party once every five years or so acting like a real jerk, a real a-hole, a real meany-face … he’s missing an opportunity.

Because you know who would be right behind him at the party? His ol’ nemesis … greeting everyone with a smile, a compliment, a friendly word. That’s right, it’s … Willem Dafriend.

fashion woman outside hat

Look at how funny she thinks I am.

Sports Complex Names so Tasty You’ll Say Mmm-mmm, No Thanks

I was reading about upcoming March Madness fun when I saw this: Louisville’s KFC Yum Center. That’s real. That’s a real place and that is the name they chose. I read that and without thinking said ‘blech.’ People, lots and lots of theoretically smart marketing people … chose that. Probably after deliberation. There were names worse than the KFC Yum Center!

close up photo of a cheese burger

Your seat could be covered in this!

Here now for your consideration are otheer places for young, talented athletes to sport it up.

  • The Citadel’s White Castle Impenetrable Burger Fortress Arena
  • Boise State’s Taco Bell Tasty Laxative Station
  • Georgia Tech’s Hardee’s’ll Do (I Guess) Stadium
  • University of Alabama’s McDonald’s Grease Bag of Goodies Center
  • University of Arizona’s Arby’s We Have the (Track) Meats Stadium
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