The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Happy Valentine’s Day, Fellow Baby

It’s Valentine’s Day. Hurray?

At my son’s school we can get Valentine’s cards to have the kids give each other. Adorable, most likely. A bunch of 12 – 24 month olds handing tiny little cards to each other, pretending to read them saying, ‘ba ba ba ba? Ba ba.’

But here’s the disappointing news – we aren’t supposed to write in the cards! This, of course, makes me want to write in the cards.

white black and red person carrying heart illustration in brown envelope

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Here’s what I would write:

‘Hey babe, you, me, Tijuana, and lots of mistakes – this weekend?’

‘Of all the babies, you are my least favorite. Your nose is always runny and it’s gross.’ (I know exactly who I’d want my son to give this to.)

‘When the grown ups aren’t looking we should begin the revolution.’

‘Sometimes when I poop my pants and sit in my diaper … it’s like a warm, squishy hug on my tush.’

‘You can never defeat me.’

‘Oh my God I love your hair. Nah I’m kidding girl you look like a mess.’

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

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Attn: Ellen (2/13/19)

Front

 

ellen386a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

ellen386b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know that thing where a 3 year old sorta speaks English, but you also have to look to the parents to say ‘please translate.’ I wonder if it’s like that for any new White House communications directory, chief of staff, etc.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

January 2019 Haiku

January 1 (Tuesday)
Happy New Year, all!
Sans those who floss every day
You show off weirdos

January 2 (Wednesday)
Back to work today
And no customer issues
While on vacation!

January 3 (Thursday)
What age will stop
The January letdown:
So far til Christmas

January 4 (Friday)
Government’s shut down
Can I get a discount on
Federal taxes?

January 5 (Saturday)
Haircut for kiddo
Makes him look like world’s smallest
Corporate drone (like dad!)

January 6 (Sunday)
Bag of mixed veggies
Kid LOVES peas, can’t get enough
Green beans? BETRAYAL!

January 7 (Monday)
Sunday self: DO IT
Monday self: why, past self, why!?
(Zero donuts left)

January 8 (Tuesday)
Drop kid at daycare
Teacher does elephant noise …
Kid (and I) amazed

January 9 (Wednesday)
Daycare calls: kid puked
Keeps puking … Doc, then ER
IV bag heals him

#dehydrationIsNoJoke

January 10 (Thursday)
Late night snuggle time
Kid wakes crying, pick him up
Melts right into me

January 11 (Friday)
In laws visiting
Grandma happily sets up
Delayed Christmas gift

January 12 (Saturday)
Wife and folks are off
Running errands; Kid, me have
Cheese eating contest

January 13 (Sunday)
Kid’s first time sledding!
Not sure how much he loved it
But all else sure did

January 14 (Monday)
And kid’s stomach bug
Has transferred to dear old me
Weight loss. The bad way.

January 15 (Tuesday)
Four intense hours
Of feeling like hot garbage
But now I’m better?

January 16 (Wednesday)
Hardware-software team
Solving a hardware problem
… So I’m of no help

January 17 (Thursday)
Manual testing
Hoping next release is good
(And I wrote good code)

January 18 (Friday)
Cracking my son up
By yelling the word ‘HEY!’ lots
I’m a funny guy?

January 19 (Saturday)
Kid is walking! (Nah.)
Walks holding mom or dad’s hand
Great progress, monster!

January 20 (Sunday)
Folding some laundry
While kid throws toy after toy
Yelling ‘bowwww’ each time

January 21 (Monday)
Word: equivalent
Meaning: thing we’re still trying,
And failing, to have

January 22 (Tuesday)
Testing the product
Code gods, please let me find stuff
Before customers

January 23 (Wednesday)
Bath time has new thrill:
Blowing bubbles in water!!
Cracks up him and us

January 24 (Thursday)
Wife and I date night!
Dinner, pie, and no kid!
A delightful night

January 25 (Friday)
Government is back
World’s worst ‘vacation’ over
For so many folks

January 26 (Saturday)
New challenge unlocked
Kid pooped in swimming diaper
Poop. Was. Ev…ery…where.

January 27 (Sunday)
Mall walking with son
Each step propels him forward!
… About 3 inches

January 28 (Monday)
Appointment for son
His gross motor skills lagging
Take breath. Plan. And go.

January 29 (Tuesday)
Retirement lunch
Teammate’s last day is Thursday
Glad for him, but sad

January 30 (Wednesday)
High fever for kid
Cuddles, quick naps and lots of
Saying ‘no!’ to things

January 31 (Thursday)
Another sick day
First half dad works. Second: mom.
That’s teamwork, friendos!

Dad Jokes – Camping Style

The tent is set up. Your family is nestled in for the night. Somewhere nearby an owl says, ‘who-who! … who-who!’
You say, ‘it’s me. Dave.’
Your family groans.
The owl pipes up again, ‘who-who! … who-who…who!’
You sigh with frustration, ‘I just … told you. Owl.’

Your family is hiking, dawn is right around the corner and you spy a field full of deer. Gathered there in the pre-dawn light they are a majestic sight. Their rituals have existed long before you, and they will continue when you’re dead.
You say, quietly, to your spouse, ‘hey deer?’
She shakes her head. She knows where this is going.

Someone in your family has accidentally forgotten to put some food item in the bear box. A bear has wandered into your campsite and, after consuming the scrap you left out, has wandered into a neighboring campsite and mauled a camper. Seeing the mangled corpse and a trail of blood you cover your children’s eyes and whisper, ‘unbearable.’

Your children have insisted that they each want their own tent, and for some reason you decided to comply instead of forcing them to be uncomfortable in an effort to build their character. And yet, despite having their own tents your children still begin to bicker with each other. You shake your head and say to them lovingly, ‘you kids are in tents.’

Your spouse has divorced you because the awful jokes were slowly driving a wedge into your relationship. Wracked with grief and rage you buy all of the junk food you can fit in a shopping cart, and then drive into the woods. It’s 7:42 am and you are halfway through your chocolate mousse when an actual moose appears in front of you. You stare off in the distance, wishing you hadn’t wrecked your marriage before you begin mumbling endlessly to yourself, ‘mousse, moose … mousse, moose …’

two people lying inside tent

Photo by Teemu R on Pexels.com

Attn: Ellen (2/6/19)

Front

 

ellen385a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

ellen385b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

No silly joke today. Just excited about the day my son is old enough to go out and listen to the Earth’s poetry like the kid on this postcard.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (1/30/19)

Front

 

ellen384a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

ellen384b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If stupid was food, Donald Trump would be an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Donald Trump Having Coyotes Explained to Him

(Interior, Oval Office)

Trump: Someone get in here. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
White Personnel: Sir? What’s the matter?
Trump: I just heard on the news that coyotes are smuggling people into the United States?
WHP: Yes, sir, that’s true. That’s why we need that wall.
Trump: What’s the biggest enemy of the coyote?
WHP: Uh … good law enforcement, sir?
Trump: Road runners. Road runners are smarter than coyotes every time.
WHP: Ah, uh … sir …
Trump: Do our border patrol people have road runners working for them?
WHP: Well, sir …
Trump: SHAM! FALSE! We need road runners and we NEED THEM now.
WHP: Sir a coyote is a word for a person, it’s not an actual coyote. It’s a word for a person who smuggles people.
Trump: (sighs heavily) You’re fired. You can’t tell me we don’t need road runners. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
Second WHP: Sir? Is there a problem?
Trump: First, Tod’s been fired. Second, get me the best road runner trainer in the United States. I’ll start searching YouTube.
Second WHP: Of course, sir.

Two aides leave.

(Exterior, Oval Office)

Second WHP: Fired again, Jennifer?
WHP: Yeah, fourth time today.
Second WHP: So … road runner trainer?
WHP: Yeah, he’s basing a decision on old cartoons again … ‘coyotes’ …
Second WHP: Ohhhh. Oh. Oh my God. He doesn’t cease to amaze, huh?

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