The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Attn: Ellen (6/21/17)

Front

Ellen313a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen313b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know what I hate? When someone says ‘my gosh’ but they are clearly staring at someone else’s gosh.

Some show respect.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (6/7/17)

Front

Ellen312a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen312b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I wonder if animals ever notice when humans are doing that mouth gymnastics thing like when you’ve just had corn on the cob and you’re trying to deal with the aftermath instead of just flossing.

What do the animals think is happening? Maybe we’re communicating with the weather? Or that we’re insane?

If anybody knows, please clue me in.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

May Haiku

May 1 (Monday)
Yes, April showers.
May baths. June apply perfume.
Odorous August.

May 2 (Tuesday)
Online training class
Instructor’s persistent pep
Greeted with smileys

May 3 (Wednesday)
First trail jog since trip
Good news: ankle feels ok!
Bad news: trails still tough.

May 4 (Thursday)
Upcoming weekend:
Eating and drinking too much
(Pal’s bachelor trip)

May 5 (Friday)
Airport employees
Proving that life can go on
With soul sucking looks

May 6 (Saturday)
A day of drinking
Eight breweries visited
…I feel disgusting

May 7 (Sunday)
Traveling with bloat:
Tales of a Bachelor Party
Over age thirty

May 8 (Monday)
“Sure, *I’M* the bad guy …
“Wait, I should emphasize *the*!”
Then he kicked a dog

May 9 (Tuesday)
Looking back on life,
The old man wept and yelled out,
“Wish I’d had more tots!!!”

May 10 (Wednesday)
Need to train the dog
To have strategic BMs
To fertilize lawn

May 11 (Thursday)
Quick Q for the pres,
To disguise wetting the bed …
Do you burn down house???

May 12 (Friday)
Past self, you moron.
Tomorrow’s race day trail run?
Twenty-five miles. 😬😢

May 13 (Saturday)
10 mile nice jog
15 miles of sadness
Then sweet, sweet nothing

May 14 (Sunday)
Mother’s Day you fools!
Be sweet! Be nice! Do some chores!
BUT ONLY TODAY.

May 15 (Monday)
Pulled some weeds today
I was all “HYAH!,” “TAKE THAT!”
And they were all like “…”

May 16 (Tuesday)
Twitter, the place for:
Blinding political rage,
And a good chuckle

May 17 (Wednesday)
Saw my race photos
How can I look so slow while
Rocking monster thighs

May 18 (Thursday)
“Hey guys, it’s snowing!”
“Yeah, it’s May, it snows sometimes.”
OK, not fun guy.

May 19 (Friday)
Party at neighbors
Social skills GO! … Start? … Appear?!? …
How’s this work again?

May 20 (Saturday)
Glance at to do list
Then, two hour break watching
Casually Explained

May 21 (Sunday)
Just living the dream:
Playing sports video games
And, watching playoffs

May 22 (Monday)
First jog in some time
Makes me feel like the tin man
All creaking and stiff

May 23 (Tuesday)
With a pregnant wife
You might worry about me
But, it’s cool, I’m fine

May 24 (Wednesday)
French bread pizza night!
With bonus tradition of:
Feeling grossly full

May 25 (Thursday)
Not sure, but I think
Motivation’s a creature
That lives off of sweets

May 26 (Friday)
Ultrasounds are weird
Tech, nonchalant, “here’s a foot”
Me: THE THING HAS FEET?!

May 27 (Saturday)
As my sister said
It’s fun to dress babies like
Tiny old people

May 28 (Sunday)
La vida loca
An old French saying which means
“Chips and dip for lunch”

May 29 (Monday)
Memorial Day
Tears and memories remain
For those who we’ve lost

May 30 (Tuesday)
Moving furniture
I make room while wife makes womb
Eh!? EH!?! I’m sorry.

May 31 (Wednesday)
Quarterly results:
Who would’ve guessed finance calls
Would impact my mood

Being a Good Host

I was nervous and excited – hosting my first social run. Who would show up? How do we handle different paces? Will people want to go grab a beer after?

I really wanted it to go well because I wanted a nice jog and some new pals. What better way than to host a friendly social run!

The first guy is walking up and he looks … like he might have a slow pace. First of all, he’s a big, big fella. Second, he’s wearing sweatpants, sandals, and a big hoody. Why is he dressed like he’s doing 5k to couch?

Ah, another guy walking up! He’s a skinny, sort of unbalanced looking guy.

Great. Good start.

Hey, a girl, all right! She’s a bit older … more power to her, right!?

I give a friendly hello to the three and begin to question myself … I am the only one dressed for a jog. Why am I the only one dressed for a jog?

“Are you guys here for the social run?”

The skinny fella looks at me askance and the older woman barks out “RUN?”

I look at my phone quickly, wanting to double check that I am at the right location, and that’s when I see it, my post “social rub” … that simple little difference, the distance between the keys ‘b’ and ’n’ on a keyboard.

I sigh, stifle a tear, grit my teeth, it’s time to be a good host.

I am looking at maybe going to a social run on Tuesday night and I noticed how easily someone could have a typo and what a very different crowd this small typo would lead to attracting. Anywho, occasionally I remember that some family might read my blog and … well, let’s just remember that I’m a big old weirdo.

Attn: Ellen (5/31/17)

Front

Ellen311a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen311b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

How many dates do you think have ended where the last thing said was just “ew?”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Some Judgments

We here at DumbFunnery love a good ivory tower, and what good is having one if you’re not going to sit in it?
With that in mind, we decided to come up with a quick list of judgements for you and yours!
1 – Your pet turtle? Get rid of it.
2 – Your friend Gunther gets far too little credit for being a minimally functional adult named Gunther.
3 – Love, love, LOVE the last mistake you made. It was hysterical.
4 – You don’t think anyone is noticing how good you look today? You’re wrong, I noticed. And also my message board noticed. And I went ahead and put up some signs in my neighborhood, they have a picture of you and it says, “Missing – This Person” then underneath that it says, “how could you not? check out that bod.”
5 – Your weird business idea of an oatmeal taco truck/strip club called ho-oatmeal isn’t as bad as you think, but it would still fail.

Attn: Ellen (5/24/17)

Front

Ellen310a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen310b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if you were a Cleveland Cavaliers fan and you’re at a game and the crowd gets into it and starts chanting but you mess up royally and start chanting “let’s go calves.”

The stuff of nightmares.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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