The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Newly Remastered Movies From Parmamount Pictures!

Parmamount Pictures has recently seized on an opportunity – rampant sex predators in Hollywood.

That’s right, this is an opportunity.

Check out that barrel at Wal-Mart, is that Cosby’s classic Ghost Dad sitting covered in dust? What about that stack of Unusual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey? And all those Woody Allen movies that are untouched … wait, no. People still like him? You guys know he … ah,nevermind.

Parmamount Pictures has taken the bold and money-grubbing chance to pair with some of your, the average American, FAVORITE restaurants!

Don’t like sleazeballs, but love Arby’s?

Checkout ghost dadour new version of Pay It Forward where Kevin Spacey’s face is replaced by an Arby’s bag! That’s right! Not only will this film no longer offend anyone, but it will also make you crave that sweet, sweet roast “beef.” Now that’s what I call tasty film watching!

Isn’t that Louis CK a riot? But wait, seeing him makes you angry, and hearing his voice doing THOSE kinds of routines (I mean, come on) makes you want to punch through a wall? Fear not! Because all of his comedy specials will be re-released with his image and voice replaced by … you guessed it! … Ronald McDonald!

(Honestly I have nightmares after watching a screening of this. But folks tell me it will sell, and profit is king.)

This winter cuddle up with a delicious bag of food that’s gotten cold on the drive home, and a favorite movie with no one* offensive in it!

*Parmamount Pictures is working on some predictive software to go ahead and replace approximately 68% of male stars in Hollywood.

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Attn: Ellen (10/17/18)

Front

Ellen370a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen370b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I decided my dog is like a crazy scientist who has come up from her lab and is yelling about some potentially world-ending catastrophe and we’re like, “nah crazy scientist, that’s just the neighbor – you JUST saw him” and she’s like “RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

It’s charming.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (10/10/18)

Front

Ellen368a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen367b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I could be wrong, but I bet if the U.S. had royalty their modern descendants would be an awful trash heap of humanity.

But maybe I’m a bit pessimistic.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Working Harder, Not Smarter

DumbFunnery fans, rejoice! We have some exciting news for you! That’s right, we are finally getting a book published.

The book, The Idiot’s Guide to Working Harder, Not Smarter will be hitting the shelves this year sometime in mid January. The book is following its own advice, publishing at a time that is considered awful for sales and publicity.

This will be the first in a new approach taken by ‘The Idiots Guide’ book series. Embracing the culture of the United States, which is seeking out the dumbest possible answer to all questions (for examples see: the news) the Idiots Guide series has decided to explain how to be a better idiot, rather than explaining complex topics in simpler terms.

Will this backfire? I don’t know. ZERO, I repeat ZERO market research was done in preparation for this new book. Experts were interviewed, but only so that we could question their stupid degrees and mock them for their ‘years of dedication and hard work’ (losers).

What can you expect if you buy this book? Expect a lot, or a little, I don’t care.

Some of the chapters in the book include, but are not limited to:

  • Mowing Your Lawn Naked and Removing Chopped Up Pine Cones from your Bits and Pieces
  • Literary References and THE DEVIL – What Your ‘Smart’ Coworkers Are Doing While Chanting in the Woods (and How to Stop Them!)
  • How Long Should I Laugh When Someone Says ‘Fart’?
  • Checking Out a Book From the Library, Then Losing It, Then Suing the Library for Some Asinine Reason
  • How to Look Up the Word ‘Asinine’ and Then Justifying Your Anger Over Someone Knowing a Word You Don’t Know

I’m going to stop there because ‘Working Harder, Not Smarter’ isn’t for free, you free-loading slop monkey.

Please, buy the book!

Attn: Ellen (9/26/18)

Front

Ellen367a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen368b

 

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here we see a depiction of the GOP attempting to woo more female voters. And, unfortunately, some women are drawn to awful relationships.

Come on lady, wake up!!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Christmas Gift Ideas

With Christmas right around the corner (what?), it’s time for DumbFunnery’s annual Christmas List!

‘OH, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!’

Your family has grown to be quite large. And with all those people you are related to running around holiday shopping has gone from joy to absolute dreaded chore.

To help curtail this growing exchanging gift receipts attached to stuff problem, DumbFunnery is here to help. These gift ideas will help spark a casual conversation that will start with, ‘so … do you guys just wanna … not do gifts this year?’

1 – A bag of mayonnaise with a note that says, ‘you break it, you buy it!’

2 – An IOU for a special lesson on how to give the BEST hugs, lessons provided by Uncle Jean

man in santa claus costume

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

3 – Find someone’s spoken word poetry online, replace any references you or the gift recipient wouldn’t get with references to Clifford the Big Red Dog and get that printed on a tote bag

4 – Make a feedbag out of duct tape with a sign on the front in a different-colored duct tape that says ‘FEED ME.’ Then maybe in the card that goes with the gift a not-so-veiled comment about working out.

5 – A collection of proud mom of stickers from different elementary schools, colleges, and sports teams if they make such things. And then, to go the extra mile, go ahead and pop those on their car, too.

There you have it, a Christmas free of stress is in your future.

Of course, you could always just buy people stuff you’d think they’d like and not worry so much … but there’s always Uncle Jean and what on earth do you get Uncle Jean?

12 Months, or Words, Cupcakes, Kids and Giggles

First of all, I’d highly recommend the song Hands Down by The Greeting Committee. I’m listening to that while writing this.

12 months. ONE YEAR OLD. I said that a number of times to my son after his first birthday / on his first birthday. My little one year old. It’s crazy. It’s been said many, many times by many people smarter than I … but it really is crazy how time both flies and crawls. He’s a year and a week as of my writing this, and already his birthday feels like such a long time ago. (Though part of that is a very good and adventuresome weekend my wife and I have had which we are pretty pleased with ourselves about. Several walks, a 5 mile hike, a trip to the pool, a picnic … the kiddo has gotten a lot of fun this weekend.)

This month, inspired by not wanting to take the time to organize my thoughts, I’ll just be rambling like a lonely man who desperately needs some friends and then someone shows me the slightest bit of interest and I talk their ears off. In other words, your standard blog post. Shouting my drivel into the void.

The kiddo has a vast vocabulary of … an unknown number of words. I really thought it would be easier to identify when he figured out a new word but I suppose my skeptical nature makes it tough. He has a handful of consonants he’s gotten down – b, d, m … so when he figures out the word for dog, which is, ‘dah!!!’ and then later he maybe knows the word for dad, which is, ‘dah!’ (dogs are far more exciting) and then sometimes he just crawls around saying his noises indiscriminately it is quite difficult to tell the difference between an intentional labeling dad as ‘dah!’ vs looking at a block, or a grape, or the toilet and saying ‘dah!’ Are all of us ‘dah!’ or none of us, or what? SPEAK, CHILD!

But we KNOW he knows the word for dog. He is now VERY HAPPY to see dogs when we go out on a walk (we have a dog at home who inspires less excitement … she only gets a few excited ‘dah!!!’ a day). We also feel confident he knows the word for ball, and the word for dad. Bye is a maybe. But you know what?, who knows.

I have described before the kiddo and I having a game where we chase each other around … like a hide and seek meetings chasing kind of thing? I don’t know. Anyway, that has continued to be a favorite and my wife got to experience him initiating the game which she was thrilled by. The kiddo was playing in the family room when he popped his little head out behind the couch and then ducked away. He popped his head out again and my wife thought, ‘!!!’ (yes, that’s a thought you can have) and she instantly went to the ground to crawl away. He came out from behind the couch, cackling and happy as can be to have a play partner.

This month involved a lot of thinking and planning and birthday party-ing. We went to Phoenix to see family and have a joint kiddo and dad birthday party. This was a bit earlier than either of our birthdays, but we were going to be around family so you might as well go for it. The kiddo’s cousins were there, running around and playing which is a new spot of fascination for him. He has taken to really enjoying seeing kids playing. I like to imagine he is marveling at how they are small like him (bigger of course, but not grown up size) and yet they can MOVE, they can RUN and JUMP and PLAY and he just loves seeing this. But, again, who knows what is going on inside that tiny head of his. My mother-in-law sent an article to my wife and I talking about how brain scans on a baby indicate the same areas of the brain firing that those on LSD have. So … your baby is living in a world where everything is trippy. Kinda makes sense. All these benevolent giants who speak in some gibberish language and get randomly so excited about who knows what. It’s got to be strange.

Back to the party. The party in Arizona was good … and educational as far as the party my wife and I threw him back home. The kiddo is SOCIAL, he really likes waving at people and smiling at them and being, basically, a big old flirt with anyone who will pay attention to him (someone says hi, he waves after maybe a 30 second delay, and then he smiles at them and sort of hides by digging his head into my should while he continues to wave and glancing at them … I gotta tell you, it’s effective, but I don’t know if it would’ve worked for me during my dating days … people would’ve found me mentally deficient). But his sociableness takes a back seat when there are a LOT of people around. Thankfully he did great with a crowd of cousins and family running around. Although I got feedback from my mom and sister than I am too quick to take the kiddo back from others. It’s a fair criticism, they’re right, and I will try to do better … I guess. I do like breaks from the kid, but I also enjoy interacting with him quite a bit. My wife or I sing to him before putting him down for sleep, and one of my made up lyrics to the tune of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is something like, “I never want to be apart … mostly.”

The kid did the cupcake smash … somewhat. I had him in the Bjorne because a lot of people singing to him and staring at him had him a bit off … That was a good lesson learned for his next birthday party. I wanted to watch him eat the cupcake! Thankfully, at the party at home he was seated and I got to take in his cupcake delight. It was entertaining because he is normally a VERY distractible eater, but with that cupcake he stayed focus from bite one to the last bite. He flipped the cupcake over and then ate till he reached the frosting, and then it was a second wave of enjoyment. Oh that sweet, sweet frosting. People staring, people laughing, people gabbing all around him? Who cares. CUPCAKE. He ate pretty much the whole thing … which is a pretty decent portion for a little guy.

The birthday stuff also inspired a thought from me: this child has WAY TOO MUCH STUFF. I am starting to have more worries about him being spoiled, catered to too much, things like that. Of course, I say that and I will go to a store and see a toy and think, ‘ooh! I want to get this for him!’ And when he cries out you can bet I’m there in a heartbeat. I will have to train myself (which is not something I expected) on not buying stuff for him, and letting him feel frustrated or sad or whatever. Especially with him getting older these will be important things for me to do. Oh, self-growth, you again? I thought I ditched you at the fork in the road. The birthday stuff ALSO made me think – we need to set a budget up front for any and all gift times (eg Christmas and birthday) or my wife and I will happily go overboard. Heck, I’d buy him Legos right this instant (and kindly play with them to keep them from getting rusty …).

We ate out at a restaurant for the first time where we ALSO ordered for him. That was very exciting and also, it turns out, a short-lived phase. We went from, ‘oh this will be so fun to eat out with him!’ to ‘maybe we should just stick to picnic lunches so he can crawl around like a maniac and shout at random trees.’ It’s unpredictable if he’ll be focused on food or frustrated by the confines of a high chair. But it was fun during those few weeks, and thankfully burritos are very transportable so the picnic life will be a good one.

Now for a smattering of adorable things.

The kiddo and old pops are signed up for a ‘parent and me’ swim class (yes, it’s parent and me, not mommy and me you old-world sexist … nah, mommy and me is what comes to my mind too). Anyway, to prep for the class the kiddo and I went to the local pool and had a GOOD time! I was very happy because the last time we tried the pool we had a decidedly BAD time. Crying, fussing, looking around in fear. Not fun. But this time he was happy to take in all the sights, sounds, and all the kids running around and playing. He also waves at EVERYBODY. Lifeguard walks by? Give a wave. Other kid? Wave. Parent? Wave. Me? Wave. Thankfully the lifeguards are sweet and got into it, waving back at him every time they passed. Swim lessons, here we come!

The kiddo has also seemed to realize he can reach up for things? I mean … I’m not quite sure what this is, but something has changed. He would stand up before and reach for things, but there is a sudden new love of stretching and reaching up. If I am holding him in the family room he will reach up for the fan as though it’s JUST. RIGHT. THERE. I think the poor kid doesn’t quite have depth perception mastered. Either that or he’s a real dreamer.

I have been reading the same bedtime book whenever I put him down for a while now. Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site. I’m a big fan of it. In the book there are occasional sounds, like a (sigh) or a (yawn). One sound I had not done for a long time, it’s one vehicle dumping rocks on a heap. (Cruuuuuunch.) I decided one night to add this in and my sound effect for this is pretty similar to a sound he and I have made back and forth occasionally. I did the (Cruuuuuunch) noise and he turned to me, all snuggled up in his sleep sack on my lap, and he grinned from behind his pacifier and returned a (Cruuuuuunch). I smiled but kept reading. He was unperturbed. (Cruuuuuunch.) I kept reading. (Cruuuuunch.) Finally I turned to him and returned with a similar (Cruuuuuuunch.) Again a big old grin and we just made the noise back and forth a few times before I went back to my attempt at a soothing, sleep-inducing voice reading goodnight to a bunch of trucks. But the next few times I read the book I was treated to a (Cruuuuuunch) conversation which I dearly loved.

Ok, how to describe this one. Wiggling your finger over your lips while you make a noise to get an even funnier noise? Yeah, that. He’s into that now. I’d like to think I introduced this to him, but he may have figured it out on his own. He has waving down like a champ (though sometimes with a 2 minute delay) but to turn that waving hand to your mouth to make a funny sound? Revolutionary! But boy does he love doing that right now. We have whole conversations of this sound, back and forth, and sometimes we try to get strangers involved too. It’s a good time.

The kiddo has also gotten faster at getting down. It’s more of an on-purpose fall than a sloooooowly, sloooooowly squat back down kind of affair. This is really helpful for him when we play our chasing game.

Last but certainly not least (especially since I got it on video) is a new way to make him laugh! The kiddo, wife and I were driving to a store to wander when he was getting fussy in the backseat with me. (See how I spoil him? We are doing less companion in the backseat driving intentionally these days.) I decided a great bit of entertainment would be if I pretended to eat a toy, and then coughed it up. Hysterical, right!? Chomp, chomp, chomp, the toy was gone! This got a little grin from the kiddo. And then, cough … cough cough … pop, here’s the toy! AND WOAH! Some giggles! Amazing, fantastic, soul-rebuilding giggles! (It’s a daily battle between reading about Trump and interacting with my son. One destroys the soul, one rebuilds it.) Soon I realized … he doesn’t care about my fake eating or spitting the toy back up … he just LOVES the fake cough! It’s hysterical to him! And thus was born many a time of fake coughing. Though I’ll admit, it isn’t nearly the hit anymore. Tastes change. Humor is ever evolutionary.

Phew. We’ve done it. Another rambly post finished.

By the time I post this he’ll probably be well into the 13th month, and I’m not sure yet if I’ll continue a monthly update or not, but I think I’d like to. I started reading a book last night about the second year of life, which will hopefully help me to mold my little human into someone who grows up to be a happy, healthy, functional big human. That’s the dream, anyway.

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Happy birthday, kiddo.

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