The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

If I Was a Spy

Interrogator: We can do this the hard way … or the easy way.

Me: I’d like to hear a bit more about both options, please.

Interrogator: Well the easy way involves a nice, tall glass of milk and a doughnut and the hard way (Laughs darkly) … Well, it doesn’t.

Me: What type of doughnut?

Interrogator: … Listen. You’re paying attention to the wrong details.

Me: I said. What. Type. Of. Doughnut.

Interrogator: I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!

Me: Well maybe head to the backroom and ask what type of doughnut, eh chief?

Interrogator: No. We will torture you, or you will tell us what we want to know.

Me: Are you saying the milk and doughnut were a ruse?

Interrogator: Oh my God. Can someone else step in here? It’s like dealing with my child.

Me: Are you saying your child is out there somewhere, right now, eating a doughnut?

Interrogator 2: Ok Phil, let me take over.

Me: A guy named PHIL was going to torture me? That’s embarrassing for everybody.

Interrogator 2: I just ate a delicious doughnut, and now … I’m going to torture you.

Me: That had absolutely zero tension-building. Just awful … What type of dougnut?

Interrogator 2: Jelly filled.

Me: Oh gross. You want to torture me? Make me eat one of those. Blech.

Interrogator 2: You don’t like jelly filled? Are you crazy? Those are the best.

Me: Dude. No. Maple long john, not filled.

Interrogator 2: Oh sick. You’re a sick, sick man. I can’t torture this man … he’s already broken.

Fin

Epilogue: I escape, and go eat a doughnut.

 

 

 

 

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Attn: Ellen (5/16/18)

Front

Ellen350a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen350b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If I remember correctly this woman was the Side-Eye Champion of the Universe. She’s seen here practicing on a poor, unsuspecting umbrella.

Hang in there umbrella, she doesn’t mean it.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (5/2/18)

Front

Ellen347a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen347b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

How about we co-create a show? It’s called Brussel Sprouts. And it’s a fairly boring detective, named Brussel Sprouts, and his mediocre detective-ing, failed dating attempts, and love of horses. Sounds too good to be true, huh?

Call me. It’s not.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

When News Breaks …

At DumbFunnery, we take journalistic integrity as the value of highest importance. So when news breaks – we’ll be there with duct tape!

(No. No, that’s not what that phrase means.)

Ah! DumbFunnery, a bastion of ethics and go-get-em-ics, is ready to hide a lock pick and a shiv in a home-baked cake to help BREAK OUT that news!

(What on Earth? That’s worse. Definitely not that. Just give me a sec and I’ll explain …)

DumbFunnery, armed with a pen, a love of the truth, and a cardboard box, is around for breaking news. Lay down a beat, do the cabbage patch, and let’s breakdance the news.

(…I don’t understand. How are you so unaware of what breaking news means?)

DumbFunnery never takes their foot off the gas, charging hard and fast until – SCREEEEEEEEE – it’s time to brake … for news?

(That’s somehow the most wrong, and the closest?)

DumbFunnery, grabbing the blanket of journalism and a cup of hot tea of hard-hitting questions, is here to help you get back to feeling ready to take on the world. Because sure, news broke up with you, but hang in there tiger, it’s just a bit of breaking news.

(Fine. Let’s go with that.)

When news breaks (up) … DumbFunnery is here to watch Love Actually, maybe call your ex and make funny noises until your ex hangs up, and perhaps even … win a Pulitzer?

Attn: Ellen (4/25/18)

Front

Ellen348a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen348b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I worry that Earth might be the K-Mart of the universe, with aliens cruising by saying, “huh, they’re still in existence?”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (4/4/18)

Front

Ellen345a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen345b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

It’s the time of year where we must once again ask ourselves – am I the only one who sensed sexual tension between Vader and R2?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (3/28/18)

Front

Ellen344a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen344b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

As part of our son’s sleep routine whoever is putting him down sings a snippet of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

You’d be surprised how much creative license that song has for new words when

1) you don’t know the words, only the tune,

2) your audience doesn’t know what you’re saying, and …

3) you can add or subtract beats to a measure to make an impromptu rhyme fit

Sincerely,

DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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