The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

May 2019 Haiku

May 1 (Wednesday)
Calendar and pics
Lazy with daily haiku
These are my cheat sheets

May 2 (Thursday)
Ring around Rosie
Kid spins then throws himself down
And shouts “DOWN!” with glee

May 3 (Friday)
With one word and tone
The kid can express himself
Highly efficient

May 4 (Saturday)
“Global holiday!”
My wife looks confused then “oh”
(May the Fourth ya know!?)

May 5 (Sunday)
Presentation work
Doing work stuff on weekends
Is always the pits

May 6 (Monday)
This week two things end
Which have been causing me stress
Come on time, fly! (Please)

May 7 (Tuesday)
Morning routine first
Mom gives kiss and hug goodbye
Kid: ‘bye bye mama’

May 8 (Wednesday)
Big presentation
Lots of nerves and stressed out nights
But it’s done! Hooray!

May 9 (Thursday)
Dear self: you busy?
Dear self self: nah, why, what’s up?
Avenger’s date night!

May 10 (Friday)
Wife getting her mom
Solo night: S.N.E.S.
Super Metroid time!

May 11 (Saturday)
Grandma watching kid
Wife and I furniture shop
We’re just so grown up

May 12 (Sunday)
Happy mother’s day!
Especially all you moms
With guns. You scare me.

May 13 (Monday)
What’s that feeling when
A day just ‘happens’? MONDAY!
(That’s corporate humor.)

May 14 (Tuesday)
Kid wakes up early
Chats to himself in his crib
Soothing song to me

May 15 (Wednesday)
Shows have tech all wrong
There’s no constant B.O. … But …
Non-social? Spot on.

May 16 (Thursday)
It’s intern season
Fresh-faced, enthusiastic!
Souls yet to be crushed.

May 17 (Friday)
Wife and I day off!
Zany kid-free day where we’re …
Furniture shopping!

May 18 (Saturday)
To all you new grads
Have cake, high five, whatever
Then get jobs you bums!

May 19 (Sunday)
Sitter is moving
Now to find a new person
To trust with our son

May 20 (Monday)
Kid has changed me lots
Say hi to everything now
Morning, lawn mower!

May 21 (Tuesday)
Kid’s learning to jump
Says ‘hop!,’ goes on tippy toes
It’s adorable.

May 22 (Wednesday)
Playing game with pals
Light knock at window … What the!?
Bunny rescue time!

May 23 (Thursday)
Bunnies in the yard
‘Hop!’ yelled as kid runs at them
They run. ‘Wait wait! ….. FASSSSST!’

May 24 (Friday)
Minnesota trip
For some quality family time
Right on a lake, too!

May 25 (Saturday)
Great day by the lake
Watched folks ski in COLD water
I sipped hot coffee

May 26 (Sunday)
Lots of good fam time
Kiddo following cousins
While they run around

May 27 (Monday)
Many have lost their
Spouse / Parent / Child / Sibling
Must do right by them

May 28 (Tuesday)
Kid built LEGOs up …
Six blocks high! Is that good? Bad?
I just know it’s cute …

May 29 (Wednesday)
Electrician here
“I’m gonna need to do this …”
Is ‘this’ expensive?

May 30 (Thursday)
Hi! I’m the month, May!
And I’m 31 days long!
(Get over it, May)

May 31 (Friday)
Friday daycare treat
School has small packs of gummies
‘Gummies!’ said with glee

Executing the Plan

Here I am in the middle of my first mission with HURLY BURLY, this secretive and evil group bent on world domination BUT ANYWAY that’s not the point.

So here we were, right? We just stole this painting that had secretly encoded into it a pattern discovered by a 4th century Mongolian mathematician … Clive, I think? Wait that doesn’t sound right.

Anyway we were about to leave having TOTALLY just hijacked this painting and no one had heard a thing and it was, like, just perfect you know? And then this guy shows up and somehow he managed to be in shadows the whole time he walked in even though we all had flashlights.

Turns out it was the head of HURLY BURLY (our secret evil organization, remember?) and he began this long speech about how we had just taken a great step toward world domination and it was really exciting to have him be there and all but … I mean … shouldn’t we get going? Our plan is sort of falling by the wayside here, chief.

But then this guy, this member of the crew I was on, he piped up and said something smarmy about how he had already been taking steps for years and the chief just freaking shoots him!

Oh my God, it was terrible.

And then the chief says all nonchalant, ‘any more questions?’

But here’s the thing – I DEFINITELY have a question! Because I have to pee really, really, really badly and it’s like … how much longer you going to be speaking, chief? Because we’ve still got to sneak out of here undetected and there’s only so much focus you can put on sneaking when you’ve got a full bladder.

And! And! Now that I am thinking about my bladder I am not even hearing his motivational speech about world domination.

But like … please can you take questions? Can you give us some sort of, ‘and wrapping up …’ kind of indication in your speech? I mean I want to be a top player in HURLY BURLY and all but I also don’t want to pee myself in this museum with this crazy painting.

Ok well I should probably stop texting you I think the chief just noticed even though I totally have the screen dimmed way low.

(Whistles) What a fox!

Can we take a second to talk about this phrase? Were people worried the first time they heard it? What about the first guy who saw a lady and said, ‘woah! what a fox!’ … And when he said that what he meant was, ‘woah! what an attractive lady!’

Was that guy … ok?

No. Probably not.

He was, APPARENTLY, into foxes. And one day he was out and about and he saw a lady who was maybe a redhead and sporting some furs or something and he thought, ‘that is the most fox-like woman I’ve ever met – FINALLY! My weird sexual proclivities can be met!’

But why did it catch on? Shouldn’t the people around him have said, ‘ew … Dave. Guy, NEVER use the word foxy as a compliment. It’s just (shudders) Dave stuff.’

And yet here we are, calling women foxy, creating unrealistic beauty standards for foxes and/or women. I’m not sure who has it worse. When it comes to Dave, foxes have it worse.

brown and white fox on green grass land

Photo by monicore on Pexels.com

Attn: Ellen (5/8/19)

Front

 

Ellen398a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen398b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I hate Trump, but hopefully one day I can look back and reflect on the unique experience of living through the worst presidency in the history of the U.S.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Update on Life Goal

Quick update on my life goal to be cooler.

You know how some food things might say they’re fresh or even a bold claim like ‘freshness guaranteed’? I bought a t-shirt that said that because I thought, oh boy, now THIS is what I call cool.

I got dressed one day, and I was feeling pretty good so I changed into that freshness guaranteed shirt and my toddler son threw up on me.

Pretty major set back.

Freshness not guaranteed guys.

Attn: Ellen (5/1/19)

Front

 

Ellen397a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen397b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This is a sneak peak at Iowa’s next big tourism campaign. ‘Corn me up, Scotty.’ It’s expected to be as successful as all their other campaigns.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (4/24/19)

Front

 

Ellen396a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen396b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I wonder who the first pirate ‘doctor’ was who was like, “he’s gonna lose a leg?! Quick! Fetch me that stick! I’ve got an idea …”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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