The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Decision Tree – Should I Riot?

Recently the Philadelphia Eagles won the super bowl. I was, and am, happy for them (but honestly, more happy the Pats lost). But, Eagles fans … I apologize. I should’ve provided you with this before the big day … but I had no confidence in your ability to win. (New Englanders would’ve taken a victory in stride as it is par for the course for them.)

Next time, <unexpected victorious city>, check this out first!



Attn: Ellen (1/31/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I wonder how many artists who ended up being revolutionary brought early works to their mom or dad, who weren’t revolutionary artist types, and the mom or dad responded with an, “ohhh! … boy! … that’s … yeah! Neat!”

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Attn: Ellen (1/24/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is (you may want to check out the postcard for some context)

Dear Ellen,

Here’s how I picture this going:

Male moose: “Knock-knock!”

Female moose: *Slowly shifts gaze*

Male moose: “Long time no talk! What’s it been, a year?”

Female moose: “Uh huh.”

Male moose: “So uh … how you been?”

Female moose: *rolls eyes*

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


5 Things to do When an Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

5. Shriek
Pretend you’ve just seen something scary and shriek. When the person attempts to follow your line of sight and sees that nothing is there, he or she will start again. Still insincere? Shriek again.

It could get tough coming up for reasons for your shrieking, or maybe, just maybe, this  insincere apologizer will deliver the goods.

4. Accept the Apology Without Being Genuine
Oh, what, you just think I’m being passive aggressive by suggesting this? Why don’t you come up with a list of five things to do then, genius.

3. Maintain Direct Eye Contact While Pooping Your Pants
This is unpleasant for you, which is why it’s ranked number 3, but it is also very unpleasant for that faux-apologizing fool in your life. Things could get messy, literally, if they catch on to what you’re doing and try to walk away. You’ll need to waddle after them while continuing to ‘let loose the dogs of war.’

On the plus side, this person is very unlikely to ever deliver an insincere apology to you again.

2. Tell Them You’re Worried They’re Not Being Sincere
Explain again what led to this apology being issued, and try to help them understand by gently putting them in your shoes, and then explaining why you felt hurt. This could help grow the communication channels between the two of you, and strengthen your relationship, but on the down side this option could lead to the two of you ending up in a montage-like sequence of hugs, laughter, high-fives, and cuddling with puppies.

1. Accept the Apology, Days Later Sneak into Their House, Murder Someone
It doesn’t even have to be the person who gave you an insincere apology, that’s what is great about this option. But on the negative side, you’ll be a murderer. Also, jail seems imminent.


Why would I have a picture of Kevin Spacey when talking about insincere apologies? Oh, who knows.

December Haiku

December 1 (Friday)
What is happiness?
The kiddo sleeping on me
With little sleep sounds

December 2 (Saturday)
Went shopping today
The dog stayed home and practiced
Her best forlorn look

December 3 (Sunday)
Vid of kid sneezing
And … is that MY voice? Gushing?

December 4 (Monday)
Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s
(Dramatic audible sigh)
Back to work I go

December 5 (Tuesday)
Winter has arrived
As evidenced by my hands
Dry, cracked, scaly hands

December 6 (Wednesday)
If Quasimodo,
Camels fought for ‘hump day’ rights
Who would win the fight?

December 7 (Thursday)
Got sis from airport
Quick bathroom stop at Dunkin’
Hellooooo donut holes

December 8 (Friday)
Vacation day, fools!
Brewery tour with the sis
Yes please, free samples

December 9 (Saturday)
Take out Thai food plus
Bad Netflix Christmas movie
Equals a good night

December 10 (Sunday)
Aw, happy baby!
AH! Upset screaming baby!!
… My circle of life

December 11 (Monday)
My moment of Zen
Is picturing the kiddo’s
Big, goofy smile

December 12 (Tuesday)
Christmas shopping done!
But for buying myself junk
It’s open season

December 13 (Wednesday)
People have spoken!
Thank God ‘Bama has black folks
White ‘Bamans … The hell?

December 14 (Thursday)
The internet’s free
To be broken for profit
Thank you FCC

December 15 (Friday)
Kid can’t do dairy
So the wife cut out dairy
No milk … For good milk

December 16 (Saturday)
Hosted a small brunch
Everyone there has babies
Life moves pretty fast

December 17 (Sunday)
Kiddo’s belly’s off
Poor kids hardly slept last night
Mom and Pop? No sleep.

December 18 (Monday)
Check the to do list
Huh, it says ‘Be unproductive
Just count til Christmas’

December 19 (Tuesday)
Christmas card crafting
Or, a chance to be cheesy
And show off my son

December 20 (Wednesday)
So great it’s Friday!
*Looks at clock, blinks, sighs, bows head*
I feel so betrayed

December 21 (Thursday)
Tree falls in the woods
Tree summers in the mountains
Tree has some nice homes

December 22 (Friday)
Who here among us
Would like to cast the first stone?
(Glass house unveiling)

December 23 (Saturday)
Hello vacation!
Ten days of sitting around
Plain old glorious

December 24 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks and grandfolks
Visiting us for Christmas
Our kiddo’s first one!

December 25 (Monday)
Merry Christmas, all!
And to those who could care less
Happy Monday, all!

December 26 (Tuesday)
Food out for rabbits
Courtesy my wife’s grandpa
They took most of it!

December 27 (Wednesday)
Saw Star Wars!
He was all, ‘hey man, same team?’
She was like, ‘as if!’

December 28 (Thursday)
Wake up with kiddo
We play or he naps on me
Joys of staycation

December 29 (Friday)
Nature can be cruel
My son gives a giant pout
I giggle, say ‘awwww!’

December 30 (Saturday)
‘Don’t Know What That Means
But it Sounds Intelligent???’
My auto-bio

December 31 (Sunday)
Rang in the new year
By making good burritos

Attn: Ellen (1/10/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Maybe this is wrong to wonder … But do you think terrorist groups, like bands, hang out wondering what their name should be?

“Dude! That name sucks! It doesn’t convey, like, our vibe.”

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Christmas Movie Reviews

Jingle All the Whey – What do you get when you take a handful of blueberries, two apples, peanut butter, whey powder, holiday cheer, and love, and mix them in a blender? You get a holiday classic. James and Chaz are competing for Rhonda’s attention in this Christmas romcom, and it seems like everything can go wrong (except Chaz’s push-up form!). Grab your popcorn, your hot chocolate, and max out your reps on love in this ‘whey’ cozy Christmas movie! 4.7 stars.


12 Daze of Christmas – Filmed entirely in an Oregon dispensary, this fresh take on a Christmas tale that’s been told is sure to delight. Doug, our protagonist, is a pothead who loves Christmas, and second chances. But is he repeating the same day over and over until he learns his Christmas lesson, or just stoned out of his gourd? Join him as he attempts to learn the meaning of Christmas, between handfuls of Doritos of course! 4.9 stars.


p12259070_p_v8_aaThe Spirit of Christmas – This new holiday classic will leave you haunted … with feelings of joy. Go on a New England journey that involves ghosts, murder, treachery … and love. Remember, Christmas isn’t just about the gifts! 4.1 stars.


Groom for Improvement – This holiday hidden gem, release in 2012 with one of the strongest crops of Christmas classic movies, is waiting to be discovered again. Just like JoAnn discovers David, her neighbor who may not have always brushed his teeth, but he always brushes aside racism. This movie answers the question, ‘can there be an interracial Christmas movie that works on so many levels?” Turn on your TV, get ready to smile, and say it with me, the answer is undoubtedly yes. 4.2 stars.


Mall a Day for the Holiday – Disgraced Candice can’t seem to do anything right after she was shunned from the public eye for divorcing her cheating politician husband. But this Christmas, she won’t stop going from mall to mall looking for the perfect gift to win over her teenaged children. This movie embraces sexism on a level that is hardly comprehensible, which makes it this year’s favorite in the ‘what have we become as a society’ pool at work. Get a bottle of liquor, or two, and accept the fact that double standards are up while moral standards our down in the hell whole that is quickly becoming the United States of America. 4.7 stars.
%d bloggers like this: