The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

1. Army beating Navy.

2. (Or) Navy running out onto the field, stopping suddenly, collectively saying, “oh my gosh it’s like … super frigid out. Hot chocolate on the bus!!!” Then they all leave the field. Result, Army victory.

3. (Or) Army crushing Navy. A fumble every time a Navy player touches the ball. Minimum 156-0 final score.

4. (Or) I travel back in time, decide to play football instead of the skinny people sport of cross country, people see that I’m the greatest of all time (at worst top 4), I for who knows what reason decide to play college ball at West Point, fast forward to this year (even though I’m 30 and couldn’t still be a student) and I end up playing every down on offense, defense and special teams (like how I played using Barry Sanders in NFL Quarterback Club ’98 … with injuries turned off) and I lead the team to victory.

5. (Or…) If the awful should happen, I suddenly develop a total lack of care so that my fiancé is not miserable due to me being randomly annoyed/upset/frustrated/sad all day.

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