The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘football’

2017 SMU Football Predictions

Hi sports fans, here we go again.

It’s been a few years since I’ve done this – let’s recap.

  • 2011 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 7-5
  • 2012 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 6-6
  • 2013 Prediction: 5-7, Reality: 5-7
  • 2014 Prediction: 7-5, Reality: 1-11 (the head coach resigned in September, it was an ugly year)

Since then I skipped 2015 and 2016, perhaps I was afraid that I had played some role in the 2014 debacle, or perhaps I forgot/was lazy. In 2015 SMU hired a new coach, Chad Morris, and they went 2-10. In 2016 they went 5-7.

Now we are in the coaches third season, let’s take a wild, uneducated stab at their schedule. My knowledge of SMU’s abilities and those of their opponents are based solely on … I don’t even know what. It’s like that thing when you start saying something and you hope something good will come to your mind and you just dazzle everyone. That’s where my knowledge comes from.

  • 9/2 vs SFA … Victoryfootball-helmet-01sept2015
  • 9/9 vs North Texas … Victory
  • 9/16 @ TCU … Loss
  • 9/23 vs Arkansas State … Loss
  • 9/30 vs Connecticut … Victory
  • 10/7 vs Houston … Loss
  • 10/21 @ Cincinnati … Victory
  • 10/27 vs Tulsa … Loss
  • 11/4 vs UCF … Victory
  • 11/11 @ Navy … Loss
  • 11/18 @ Memphis … Victory
  • 11/25 vs Tulane … Victory

Total record: 7-5.

SMU football, you old friend/foe, I try to set my expectations low so that I won’t be frustrated but … I know you, you’ll still find ways to hurt my heart. LET’S DO THIS! FOOTBALL!!!


Attn: Ellen (11/30/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

A lot of books and movies have a character with some terrible secret, and that character lives with anxiety/worry/fear/etc. and someone threatens to reveal that awful secret and the character feels relief even though they also don’t want that to happen?

That’s me every football season – except I’m living anxiously until I realize my teams I like have zero chance and then I can finally relax. Hope free beats delusional state of wishful thinking in my book.


Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (10/12/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My wife is on a quest to find every possible sentence in the English language to express disinterest in football.

It’s pretty cool to be part of history being made.


Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (9/14/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Football is back! And with it, the celebration of intellectual mediocrity! So and so is big, and strong, and can recognize patterns after being taught for a week. Kudos, guys. You’re on par with dolphins.

That said, I do really love football. Gooooo sport!


Why am I doing this?

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

This weekend I welcome college football back into my life. Saturday SMU will play North Texas, a game that SHOULD be a game SMU wins, but you just never know.

The next weekend SMU plays again, this time against Baylor. A game I will describe as “missable” since I am pretty sure SMU will be a tune up for Baylor. However, West Point will be starting its football season with a game against Rice. This is a game that West Point could win, and so I will be listening with anguish, grief, agony, you name it (that is, unless Rice jumps out to a 40 point lead).

The very next day, the NFL has its first weekend of action.

Oh yes, it is an exciting time … but also terrible.

If SMU or Army are playing a game they could win and they perform poorly, or they hang in there with a tougher opponent but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory … well, it is heart-wrenching.

I recently thought out loud to my wife, “I wonder if I’d be happier if I never watched sports.” She thinks I’m nuts. But it’s like a great book, you root for a character even if they always come up short, you celebrate their occasional victories with joy but you grit your teeth and brace for the worst while hoping for the best.

Come on SMU, come on West Point, defy expectations!

(As for the NFL side I tend to be less emotional … but the Cardinals and Texans do have their own little keys to my heart.)

Attn: Ellen (12/2/15)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I think if I was a quarterback in the NFL before hiking the ball I would yell for an audible if necessary, but I would also yell, “run toward me if you need a hug, hug city right here, hug city, hug city, set … HIKE!”

And then after the play I’d say to the defensive guys, “boy you guys really wanted hugs, huh?” and I bet, looking deep into the eyes of the middle line backer, I would be able to see he both wanted to tackle me AND wanted a hug.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

A Quiet Conversation

Somewhere in the southern United States, in a locker room on a sleepy Tuesday, the only people left after a long practice are the quarterback and an offensive lineman.

Quarterback: Hey man, good practice.

Lineman: Yeah, man, just trying to keep you clean.

Quarterback: Oh I don’t mind getting hit once or twice, I …

Lineman: What? Say it, man.

Quarterback: Aw it’s dumb but … You know in games on TV when a quarterback throws right as he’s getting hit and you see him laying there, looking up to see if it’s a complete pass, and woah, it is, and the quarterback just stays laying there for a second like … super happy.

Lineman: Yeah I know exactly what you’re talking about. You wanna do that?

Quarterback: Ha. Yeah … I guess I … I guess I do.

Lineman: …

Quarterback: Ok. Well. I gotta go so I’ll –

Lineman: Wait.

Quarterback: Dude … You just gonna make fun of me for what I just said?

Lineman: No, no. It’s uh … I got one of those too.

Quarterback: Yeah?

Lineman: Yeah. Um. You know like, when a quarterback scrambles and gets a touchdown and he’s all excited?

Quarterback: Hell yeah I do! I did that last game man!

Lineman: Yeah! Yeah that was great! What a win, huh? It’s just … You ever see that chick flick Dirty Dancing?

Quarterback: Dude. I know exactly what you’re gonna say. I’m on it. Next game. I promise.

Lineman: (smiles ear to ear)

I’ll be honest, before I started writing this I figured it’d be the quarterback wanting the lineman to hold him but then I thought, “you know what? I bet it’s actually the lineman!”

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