DumbFunnery

Metropolis, one of the greatest cities in the world. With a population of about 11 million people (as of the last census), it is, indeed, a thriving metrop … city.

A titan of industry, a center for culture, and a hub for the cutting edge – what’s not to love about Metropolis. Until, that is … that fateful day in 1939.

On that day Superman arrived. Oh, great, Superman!, you may think, he saves people!

Sure, he saves people. But you know what he also does? He attracts trouble like a magic magnet.

Take Robert Turns, a man who owns his own vacuum repair shop in downtown Metropolis. That is, owned his own vacuum repair shop. After Superman arrived the insurance company raised the rates for insuring his building by 48%, a rate that Mr. Turns simply couldn’t keep up with. Superman can’t rescue him from drowning, because he’s just drowning in his sorrows.

Another example is Susana Bishop. Susana was walking her two dogs, Yip and Yap, on a lovely September afternoon. She was at her favorite park enjoying the day. Suddenly Superman slammed into the ground about 500 yards in front of her with such force that his body moved along the earth, causing a trail of destruction. Horrified that Superman was hurt and shocked by the sudden disruption of her beautiful day, Susana stood frozen. Superman, at the time fighting one of countless unpleasant fellows he attracts to our dear city, skid along the earth until he was less than one yard from her body. Susana, regaining her senses, rushed to his aid. Superman thanked her and bolted to continue, and eventually win, his fight. But at what cost? Susana is now afraid to leave her home, isolated in hopes that she won’t run into trouble.

The current count of people out of a home because a Superman fight spilled into an apartment-filled area of town is at 3,487. This is just one small sample of the countless amount of destruction that has come about as a result of Superman’s presence in our dear city.

I ask you, as a mild-mannered reporter, is Superman good for the people? Or should he get out of town for a few years and take a vacation?