The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Superman’

Superman Socks

Recently I bought a 2-pack of socks which feature the Superman logo on them. I was excited because they were clearance socks, and Superman. A double win, clearly.

When I got home I noticed that the socks each said something. One pair says ‘Strong’ and the other pair says ‘Stronger.’

This was a lot to take in.

What does this mean? Are all of my days relative to one another? Are my only options Strong or Stronger? Did Superman not have days where, sure, it’s sunny outside, but hey man, it’s a rainy day on the inside. I bet he did. Where is my Superman logo socks that say ‘Melancholy’ and ‘Melancholy-er’ (for those extra melancholy days).

Should I mix and match the socks? Forever demoting my left foot to just be Strong? (Let’s face it left, you are the weaker foot).

IMG_20181120_181100608Maybe I should only plan on wearing one pair of socks but bringing the other pair with me. That way if the day starts off and I’m feeling great I’ll leave wearing ‘Stronger’ but then I’ve had lunch, slowed down, and now I am feeling a mere ‘Strong’ ranking so I change. Then when I get home my wife will know, ‘oh no, he’s self-demoted.’

What would other super hero socks say? For Batman it could be ‘Conniving’ and ‘Connivingest.’ The Flash ought to be something like ‘Fast’ and ‘Sassy’ just to keep you guessing. I’d wear those in a heartbeat.

Target should’ve warned me about this purchase.

Hey man, just a heads up, those socks are going to raise a lot more questions than they’re going to provide answers.

I’ve got to go, a guy just walked by me wearing Superman socks that say ‘Strongest’ and as I’m wearing ‘Stronger’ today I’m pretty sure we need to fight to the death. Let’s go Bizarro. (Or am I the Bizarro?!)

Wish me luck.

Superman – Good for the People?

Metropolis, one of the greatest cities in the world. With a population of about 11 million people (as of the last census), it is, indeed, a thriving metrop … city.

A titan of industry, a center for culture, and a hub for the cutting edge – what’s not to love about Metropolis. Until, that is … that fateful day in 1939.

On that day Superman arrived. Oh, great, Superman!, you may think, he saves people!

Sure, he saves people. But you know what he also does? He attracts trouble like a magic magnet.

Take Robert Turns, a man who owns his own vacuum repair shop in downtown Metropolis. That is, owned his own vacuum repair shop. After Superman arrived the insurance company raised the rates for insuring his building by 48%, a rate that Mr. Turns simply couldn’t keep up with. Superman can’t rescue him from drowning, because he’s just drowning in his sorrows.

Another example is Susana Bishop. Susana was walking her two dogs, Yip and Yap, on a lovely September afternoon. She was at her favorite park enjoying the day. Suddenly Superman slammed into the ground about 500 yards in front of her with such force that his body moved along the earth, causing a trail of destruction. Horrified that Superman was hurt and shocked by the sudden disruption of her beautiful day, Susana stood frozen. Superman, at the time fighting one of countless unpleasant fellows he attracts to our dear city, skid along the earth until he was less than one yard from her body. Susana, regaining her senses, rushed to his aid. Superman thanked her and bolted to continue, and eventually win, his fight. But at what cost? Susana is now afraid to leave her home, isolated in hopes that she won’t run into trouble.

The current count of people out of a home because a Superman fight spilled into an apartment-filled area of town is at 3,487. This is just one small sample of the countless amount of destruction that has come about as a result of Superman’s presence in our dear city.

I ask you, as a mild-mannered reporter, is Superman good for the people? Or should he get out of town for a few years and take a vacation?

Attn: Ellen (10/6/10)

Front

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

As an FYI, the postcard is from a gift shop in San Antonio, Texas.

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Who do you think would win in a dance fight between Batman and Superman?

GetBradStanleyPublished

.com

P.S. Batman is not allowed a metronome in his utility belt.

Superman Going Clothes Shopping

“Hi, welcome to McMurphy’s!”

“Hi, thank you.”

“Let me know if I can help you, Mr. Kent.”

“Oh! … Sure … How … uh … How did you know my name?”

“Well … You came in here yesterday … And you bought some clothes … Kent, right? Clark Kent?”

“Yes … Yes … That’s my name … Quite the average name, huh?”

“Um … Sure …”

“Say, do you have any of this size shirt, but in white?”

“Um … Yeah … Here let me look in the back for you …”

“Thanks!”

“…Um … Yeah … We have one …”

“What’s that? It’s hard to hear you when you’re speaking to me from the stock room? I have such normal hearing! Ha!”

“Um … Yeah … Sorry … So … I said … We have one …”

“Great!”

“But it’s pretty expensive. More expensive than the brand you usually buy.”

“Oh … Gosh … Money is pretty tight …”

“I can imagine.”

“What do you mean by that? I have a regular job that any human could have.”

“Um … Well … I meant because uh … Well … Remember yesterday when you were in here … And you bought a new pair of slacks, a tie and a nice shirt?”

“Why, yes, I do remember that.”

“Well … Uh … Then you said you wanted to wear them out?”

“Yes … Perfectly normal. I had a meeting.”

“Right! Yeah! Of course but uh … Well … I found your new clothes … Plus the clothes you’d worn in … umm … In a phone booth … That one … Right there … It’s right outside the door to our store … Like ten feet from where I’m standing.”

“Oh …”

“So uh … I mean you come in here … a lot … And you always buy … Pretty much the same exact thing … And you say you’ve got a regular job …”

“Yes! I’m a reporter! Quite normal!”

“Yeah! No! I completely agree! It’s just uh … Well anyway, I went outside and grabbed all the clothes once I’d noticed you’d ah … misplaced them … And so here they are … Since it’s probably pretty expensive buying new clothes all the time …”

“Oh! How kind of you! Thank you, citizen!”

“And uh … I’ve got a cousin who’s a cop and … Well the cops find … Probably at least twice a day … Um … Clothes … Like the ones you buy here … That … Happen to match what you’re wearing now …”

“Oh! As a journalist … I should investigate this …”

“Yeah, right! Of course! I figured … So my cousin brought all the clothes here in these trash bags … If you want them … For your uh … article …”

“Yes, thank you!”

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