The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Recently my wife and I got a letter from the HOA – our weed situation was apparently situation critical.

The letter stated, among other things, that rock beds must be free of weeds at all times. What.

I’m not going to lie, I really needed to go out and pick some weeds in the rock bed area in front of our house. In fact, I already had it on my to do list. But apparently one neighbor (we have our theories) found my pace of weed killing to be lax, so we were told on.

This really annoyed me … Possibly partially because I knew it was bad, but this just emphasized it. But also because, FREE OF WEEDS AT ALL TIMES?

The letter told me if I would not comply by X date then blah blah blah, serious sounding consequences. It also stated that I could submit a plan to the board for their discussion and approval.

This triggered a 13 year old desire to be a real jerk for no other reason than because I was feeling feisty. In the end, I began picking weeds the next day and have been tackling the whole yard one piece at a time. But, for my own pent up juvenile aggression, I would like to go ahead and respond to the HOA.

The title is one idea that I thought would be funny – go to the board in person and ask that question sincerely. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Here’s another idea:

Dear HOA,

Thank you for your recent letter about the dire weed situation. I have taken this under advisement, sought council, prayed, reflected, even sacrificed a small goat, and I have come up with a plan.

First of all, quick aside, do goat carcasses go in the green waste bin, or the regular trash bin? Surely they’re not recyclable?
  • Monday – pull one weed
  • Friday – check on the yard, see if the other weeds have gotten the message
  • (Possibly done at this point?)
  • Sunday – visit the one dead weed’s grave, leave some flowers
  • Following Monday – pull a different weed (although again, I must stress, I don’t think any of this will be necessary)
  • Following Friday – neighborhood BBQ! (You guys are totally invited! I just found a sweet looking BBQ shrimp recipe!)
  • Following Sunday – douse the rock bed area in gasoline, light it on fire

Please let me know if this will sufficiently kill the weeds, I imagine the fire will do the trick. I’ll make sure to have not one but two extinguishers on hand in case it gets out of hand. 

Thank you in advance.

DumbFunnery, homeowner
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