The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

So, There’s a Spider in Your House

We here at DumbFunnery often get questions and asked for advice about a number of topics. Today’s question comes from an avid reader. (Aren’t they all!?!)

‘Recently we found a very large spider in our house – what should we do?’

This is a tough question because I would like to ask a number of follow-up questions, so I’ll just answer for a few different cases.

 

You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Didn’t See You

This is fine. Do nothing, or call an exterminator. Either way is OK. But, when you call the exterminator, call from work or away from your house, and don’t be home when the exterminator does his or her thing. Also, when you get home after the exterminator has been there, say things like, ‘I can’t believe a stranger broke in!’ or ‘oh no, what did that evil stranger do!?’

 

You Saw the Spider, You Tried to Kill the Spider, the Spider May or May Not be Dead

Oh, you idiot. The spider has EVERYTHING on you. It knows your name, your home, your favorite shows (probably not important information but knowledge is power and spiders have 8 legs which means they are likely 4x more crafty than a human so we can’t even CONCEIVE of the ways the spider will use this information against you). I’d recommend moving, but odds are the spider will move with you which is an absolute alpha move and you’ll show up at your new house, go to bed in your new sheets (you’ll want to replace your sheets – the spider has … done things … to your old ones), and the spider will walk across your face as you sleep.

Have you considered giving up all your personal possessions and becoming a monk? This is your best option.

 

You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Saw You

The spider has established dominance. If the spider sees you, you must kill it swiftly. It now knows your character, and it finds you to be weak. Congratulations, you are now renting from a spider landlord. Your life is but a toy for the spider to play with. Just humor the spider, and you’ll live a mostly normal life.

Good luck, dear reader.

Need Other Brilliant Advice?

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

DumbFunnery Doles With the Best, Part I

Tips For Recent Grads – Your Big Trip

Congratulations, Graduates! Welcome to the Next 40 Years

Faking Football Knowledge

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The Little Bus, With the Little Passenger

If you are a frequent visitor to my blog then you are aware that my wife and I have a kiddo, and he was born about 7 weeks early. This has led to my wife and I being quite interested in all things preterm (we’re part of a select club you know).

Recently, an article in the journal Science talked about some findings … given that I’m not brainy or enthused enough to read every Science journal (a more ambitious and time-well-utilized version of myself would) … I read a dumbed down article about it from the New York Times.

It ended with this paragraph,

It is almost as though the molecular message being sent by RNA “is a little bus that travels back and forth and is letting Mom know what’s going on,” Dr. Cheng said.  “I bet you they’re going to find that the mother’s going to respond. There’s a conversation going on. That’s what’s cool.”

(RNA is what is looked at by this blood test.)

***

Hi, I’m Gary. I drive the bus that a mother and fetus use to talk to each other and it’s amazing and incredible and whatever, but guys. It is also disgusting.

You know how pregnant women have their ‘water.’ And when it’s go time the water breaks and oh a miracle and blah blah?

You know that water is partially baby urine, right? And that sick baby is drinking that urine?

Do you know what it’s like communicating with a urine drinker? I’LL TELL YOU! IT’S GROSS. Their breath is just … weird. And they have this distinct, ‘as soon as this conversation is over … I’m gonna drink more urine’ look on their faces. It’s weird.

And those little guys are INTENSE. Their hearts beat like … I don’t know, 160 beats per minute? Imagine the tiniest person you know on crack, drinking urine. That’s a baby. ‘Hey look man, I just discovered this, check it out!’ Then the baby goes and like strangles itself with the umbilical cord for a while, all the while staring right at me. Blech. It’s terrifying.

And you know who I haven’t even mentioned yet? The mother. My God the mother. ‘Oh I’m a dad and my wife is more emotional these days and wah wah wah.’ OH YEAH, PAL!? TRY DRIVING A BUS INSIDE SOMEONE WHOSE HORMONES LIKE JUST TOOK LSD AND HEADED TO THE TOWN CARNIVAL.

Seriously. It’s like, you show up and say, ‘hey, baby says maybe 7 weeks to go and it’s digging all the kale you’ve been eating lately, but also it wants you to eat ice cream out of a plastic bag.’ And the mom is like, ‘my little darling angel’ all cooing with love and then the mom thinks about all the plastic garbage floating in the ocean and she starts crying and then the mom thinks about how salty her tears are and wants McDonald’s fries and then she’s SO, SO ANGRY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.

So you get the message from the mom which is … you know, mixed, and you take it back to old urine mouth.

It’s just.

I don’t know man.

I wish one of the white blood cells would hang out with me sometime, those guys are cool.

Farewell, Sneakers

One day in college I sat down at a dining table where a friend was already sitting. He had a spoon and a yogurt in front of him. My friend, as far as I know, was not high. But he looked at the spoon and said, “Made in China. This spoon was made in China. This spoon has done more traveling than I have.”

Today I say farewell to my traveling pals, and shoes that I otherwise wore out all the time. They’ve been to India, Colombia, Peru and work (work more so than the others).

In their old age they had adapted a few friendly practices. For example, ‘smell holes.’ These were holes in the bottom of the shoes to let out any sweaty feet smells … they had the unintended consequence of making this shoes miserable if you wore them on a rainy day. But hey, nevertheless, great innovative idea shoes and I applaud your self-initiative in opening up those holes without first checking with me.

Another thing that one of the shoes was testing (I assume it was a test to prove the worthiness of this idea before the other shoe adopted it) – ‘efficiency optimizer.’ This was where one of the shoes was slowly starting to come apart at the seams, encouraging me to pick the most efficient route whenever I wore them. Good thinking, shoe!

Goodbye old friends.

IMG_20180609_170840102

 

How are the Russians Welcoming World Cup Participants?

Russia is hosting this World Cup and is welcoming players with the warmth, kindness, and open arms we have all come to expect from Russia. Rumor has it Vlad Putin himself personally visited each Saudi Arabian player’s room before the first match. This reporter has uncovered a few of the friendly welcome notes Vlad HIMSELF wrote!

‘No one will remember you when you turn up dead, with a prostitute draped over your lifeless body. Good luck at the match.’

‘I have never seen a bear eat Saudi children, like yours, ages 7 and 12. I wonder what it would look like. Good luck at the match.’

‘It’s only a game. Life, that is. Yours, in particular. I like playing games. Good luck at the match.’

I think we can all agree that Russia has once again gone out of its way to prove that it truly is the best country to host the World Cup!

***

Rumor has it that before Russia’s second match, against Egypt, Vlad himself has organized for a trained bear to come and do tricks for the Egyptian team! The Egyptian ambassador had raised a protest until he was unfortunately taken ill, and he has not been heard of since being admitted to a hospital. We can hope for a speedy recovery, or else he’ll miss the bear’s tricks!

This reporter is excited about the bear, who is rumored to be able to do the following:

  • Juggle
  • Kick a soccer ball into a net
  • Carry a syringe with a nearly untraceable numbing agent that can last up to 24 hours
  • Hoola hoop
  • Maim on command
  • Pretend to read a newspaper while sitting on a mock toilet

The Egyptian team must be looking forward to this wonderful show from the world’s greatest country!

***

Uruguay will finish Russia’s Group Stage play, and the Uruguayans are heavily favored. Vlad, known for his sense of humor, light touch, charisma, and all around nice-guy persona, joked that he may have to have the entire team killed to let Russia win.

Doubled over with laughter, the jokester continued, saying perhaps he would even have the team’s family members killed too.

Hysterical!

This reporter here needs help. Please send help. I want to go home.

But that’s not all, Vlad ‘tickles with words’ Putin then threatened everyone in the room with such funny jokes that we’re all held captive, in a sense, to his humor, and also in this very small room.

***

Good luck, World Cup competitors!

2018 FIFA World Cup.svg
By Source, Fair use, Link

 

Great Sexpectations

The only catchy thing about this post is the title. Here is my alternate title: Laundry, Gender-Based Household Chore Expectations, and Other Such Trifling Concerns.

A while ago I read a blog post (I can’t find it or I’d link to it) where a woman talked about her husband would do things to ‘help around the house’ and then she was frustrated with herself for feeling like he was ‘helping around the house’ while when she did the same things she was just doing what needed to be done.

Did that run-on sentence thoroughly obfuscate my point?

Let’s try again. When a fella does laundry, wow, what a good husband helping with the laundry. When a woman does laundry, well, yeah, she did laundry, what else is new?

 

 

See the double standard?

I’m reminded of this every time I go out with the kiddo (don’t get me wrong, I love the awww cute baby! comments). But I feel like I might garner more than my wife because you know, low dad expectations).

And I definitely am a culprit and guilty of applauding myself when I shouldn’t be applauded. Today my wife felt incredibly ill in the morning, I woke up with the kiddo at 5:30 am (hello, pre-dawn day, great to see you again) and then I unloaded the dishwasher and did loads of laundry. I didn’t think anything of doing these things because of … bum, budda bummmmm! … chastising myself internally! Hooray! Before reading that post I would ‘help’ around the house by doing laundry and think, ‘man what a stellar husband I am.’ Post-blog-post I would think, ‘why am I applauding myself for helping to care for my wife and I’s home? Do I say, “hey self, top notch job of feeding yourself!” No, because I know there are certain things you just take care of.’

Fellas, ladies, don’t fall victim of silly sexpectations. (Get it!? Like sex as in gender and … ahhh man, I’m too clever.) Fellas, the only thing you don’t have is the built-in potential food source, so get cracking you lazy bums.

(But, I’ll be honest, it’s awesome my wife breastfeeds for a lot of reasons … these days reason number 1 is I get more sleep. Also, you know, benefits for the child and all that.)

Is Your Body an Extremist?

Recently I woke up around 1030 pm (both my wife and I had gone to bed a bit after 8 – PARTY!) and my clothes were soaked with sweat, as was the pillow I have between my knees, and my pj’s. It was … gross. BUT! My fever was gone, I felt great compared to how I was feeling when I went to bed.

After changing clothes, putting a towel down over my side of the bed (seriously … so much sweat), I laid back down and went to sleep.

But … aren’t fevers crazy?

Your Body: ‘Ok, we’ve got a code yellow. I repeat a code yellow. We have some intruders and we’re going to need to combat this so we feel good.’

Creepy, Dark-Hooded Phantom in the Corner: ‘Burn them.’

Your Body: ‘Uh … I mean … we’ve got lots of different blood cells, maybe we just concoct the right mix of -‘

Creepo: (Smiles) ‘Burn them all.’

Your Body: ‘Nah man, you’re not listening.’

Creepo: ‘Do you feel that?’

Your Body: ‘Wait! How are you doing this? Why are we so warm?’

Creepo: ‘No one likes it when the temp is set to 102!’

Your Body: ‘You’re perfectly freaking right no one likes it. Ahhh. I feel miserable!’

Creepo: ‘Yes. YES!’

Your Body: ‘How am I so cold? Quick! Blankets, all the blankets!’

 

Look, I’m no scientist, but this is how I figure it happens. There’s some pyromaniac living inside you who decides to just light the whole place up whenever something is amiss. 

Psychotic, huh?

Hey Fig Newtons

Hey Fig Newtons … you still exist? I honestly don’t know, and I think it’s because you’re not nearly topical or EXTREME enough in your advertisements.

Let me help you out.

Ad 1

Air Donald Trump’s infamous Mexicans/rapists line

Fade to black

Air a modern day Nazi rally

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Racism is alive and well in America’

Fade to black

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘Try a Fig Newton!’

Ad 2

We see an armed child walking toward a school, an NRA spokesperson cheers wildly, suddenly an oversized Fig Newton falls from the sky and crushes both of them.

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Problems?’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘JUST FIG NEWTON THEM!’

Ad 3

Show a starving polar bear, dying

Show the upward trend of global temperatures over the last few years

Show a puppy, just to confuse people

Then a shot of the most recent Houston flooding

White text on black screen: ‘Your grandkid’s grandkid’s are doomed’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘No one’s ever overdosed on Fig’

Fig-Newtons-Stacked.jpg

Source: Wikipedia (my old friend)

 

 

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