The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Being a Good Host

I was nervous and excited – hosting my first social run. Who would show up? How do we handle different paces? Will people want to go grab a beer after?

I really wanted it to go well because I wanted a nice jog and some new pals. What better way than to host a friendly social run!

The first guy is walking up and he looks … like he might have a slow pace. First of all, he’s a big, big fella. Second, he’s wearing sweatpants, sandals, and a big hoody. Why is he dressed like he’s doing 5k to couch?

Ah, another guy walking up! He’s a skinny, sort of unbalanced looking guy.

Great. Good start.

Hey, a girl, all right! She’s a bit older … more power to her, right!?

I give a friendly hello to the three and begin to question myself … I am the only one dressed for a jog. Why am I the only one dressed for a jog?

“Are you guys here for the social run?”

The skinny fella looks at me askance and the older woman barks out “RUN?”

I look at my phone quickly, wanting to double check that I am at the right location, and that’s when I see it, my post “social rub” … that simple little difference, the distance between the keys ‘b’ and ’n’ on a keyboard.

I sigh, stifle a tear, grit my teeth, it’s time to be a good host.

I am looking at maybe going to a social run on Tuesday night and I noticed how easily someone could have a typo and what a very different crowd this small typo would lead to attracting. Anywho, occasionally I remember that some family might read my blog and … well, let’s just remember that I’m a big old weirdo.

I Thought Weed Was Legal in Colorado?

Recently my wife and I got a letter from the HOA – our weed situation was apparently situation critical.

The letter stated, among other things, that rock beds must be free of weeds at all times. What.

I’m not going to lie, I really needed to go out and pick some weeds in the rock bed area in front of our house. In fact, I already had it on my to do list. But apparently one neighbor (we have our theories) found my pace of weed killing to be lax, so we were told on.

This really annoyed me … Possibly partially because I knew it was bad, but this just emphasized it. But also because, FREE OF WEEDS AT ALL TIMES?

The letter told me if I would not comply by X date then blah blah blah, serious sounding consequences. It also stated that I could submit a plan to the board for their discussion and approval.

This triggered a 13 year old desire to be a real jerk for no other reason than because I was feeling feisty. In the end, I began picking weeds the next day and have been tackling the whole yard one piece at a time. But, for my own pent up juvenile aggression, I would like to go ahead and respond to the HOA.

The title is one idea that I thought would be funny – go to the board in person and ask that question sincerely. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Here’s another idea:

Dear HOA,

Thank you for your recent letter about the dire weed situation. I have taken this under advisement, sought council, prayed, reflected, even sacrificed a small goat, and I have come up with a plan.

First of all, quick aside, do goat carcasses go in the green waste bin, or the regular trash bin? Surely they’re not recyclable?
  • Monday – pull one weed
  • Friday – check on the yard, see if the other weeds have gotten the message
  • (Possibly done at this point?)
  • Sunday – visit the one dead weed’s grave, leave some flowers
  • Following Monday – pull a different weed (although again, I must stress, I don’t think any of this will be necessary)
  • Following Friday – neighborhood BBQ! (You guys are totally invited! I just found a sweet looking BBQ shrimp recipe!)
  • Following Sunday – douse the rock bed area in gasoline, light it on fire

Please let me know if this will sufficiently kill the weeds, I imagine the fire will do the trick. I’ll make sure to have not one but two extinguishers on hand in case it gets out of hand. 

Thank you in advance.

DumbFunnery, homeowner

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

Johnathon P. Prickles

It occurs to me that Hollywood may be seen as a place that lacks creative influx. That is shy the courage to be truly innovative or out there. There is noticeable reward for using tried and true ideas: those are where profits sit. But people fail to jump on board 100% because some people want to sit back and bash Hollywood for a lack of newness.
Don’t worry Hollywood, Joe Complainer, I’ve got everyone covered.
A Tarzan reboot (you’re welcome Hollywood) starring Will Ferrell as the title character (you’re welcome again Hollywood) BUT (you’re welcome creative-seekers) there’s a twist.
Instead of a boy being raised by apes in the jungle, this man was raised by porcupines in some weirdos backyard. One of those people who has a lot of animals and a big ranch.
The person, played by Will Ferrell, will be Johnathon P. Prickles, and boy will he ever be … prickly. I know, that joke was obvious, but I think a lot of people like obvious jokes.
This movie will have everything:
  • Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
  • A grown man being prickly
  • Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
  • Betty White as the owner of this ranch
  • An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
  • Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
  • And that director’s name? Woody Allen
There you have it, Hollywood, America, everyone wins.
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“Scene 247, Take 32, I um, … well, what can I say? A dog pants, I don’t.” – a naked Woody Allen

What to Inspect When You’re Inspecting

Having owned my own house for about a year now I can tell you with confidence that I don’t know what I’m doing.

At any moment a pipe could burst, the dryer could leak acid, the backyard could explode into flames, and I’d think to myself, ‘ah, well, I guess that’s normal.’

One key thing is to seem relaxed and confident while dealing with the issue. Put on your least attractive jeans, an old t-shirt with pit stains that somehow reach down to your navel, and a tool belt (if you don’t have one, an ice cream bar is equally good). Then call in someone who knows what they’re doing and offer advice over their shoulder while you pay them gobs of money per hour.

  • “Ah, there’s the problem, my rotator belt is shot,” you might say while the person looks at your breaker box.
  • “Oh ho, looks like Christmas came twice this year!” you could mutter while the person explains that your air ducts are so full of hair there is essentially a dead Chewbacca in your vents.
  • Maybe you prefer nonverbal communication? Try picking your nose and laughing maniacally while the person explains that putting your Nest thermostat in the microwave is not a cheaper way to heat up the house.
  • Try a joke to lighten the mood, “my refrigerator isn’t running, but it has started daily walks to lose some weight,” and then nod in complete agreement as the fire deputy explains why indoor bonfires are bad ideas.

As always, we here at DumbFunnery are just offering our opinion and do not necessarily even bathe more than once a week. Got to go now, the cat is dying for a staring contest.

40 Years from Now

Shot of a vibrant green golf course, panning slowly to show a sand trap, trees lining the fairway, and finally in the distance we see a man, an old man hunched over with age, walking gingerly up to the tee.

Voice over begins as we zoom in toward the man.

I’m Michael Jordan, and I’ll admit, I’m a betting man.

As we continue to zoom you see Michael putting the golf ball on the tee.

For example, I had bet I wouldn’t live to be 94.

Michael starts standing back up.

I also bet Hanes I would never wear any of their incredibly comfortable, incredibly absorbent, and great-priced adult diaper underpants.

Michael is still standing back up, he’s pretty old you know.

But sometimes you lose your bets, and it’s when that happens,

Michael steps back from the tee.

That you really need some spending cash. Like, I’m willing to do any commercial kind of need.

Michael’s slow, graceful backswing begins.

I don’t even want to think about what kind of commercials I’d be willing to do if I live till 100.

Michael swings, connects with the ball, it zooms forward about 20 feet.

Anyway, these diapers are … (pained, sad noise) a real slam dunk.

March Haiku

March 1 (Wednesday)
More Game of Thrones watched
That show’s just abusive
Oh you like him? DEAD.

March 2 (Thursday)
Toastmasters meeting
I do meeting minutes now
My style? Verbose.

March 3 (Friday)
Hosted a meeting
Video then discussion
…Engineers all bolt

March 4 (Saturday)
‘Hey kids, IKEA?’
Said the world’s number one dad
In terms of cruelty

March 5 (Sunday)
Went out for a hike
I hoped to spot some eagles
AM I A BIRDER!?

March 6 (Monday)
Sent a mass email
‘This thing is wrong! Needs fixing!’
Oh … Shoot. Nope. I’m dumb.

March 7 (Tuesday)
Kid sees me, jogs too
But, come on kid!, I’m faster!
(Than most five year olds)

March 8 (Wednesday)
Intern interview:
‘Describe garbage collection’
‘Put the bin out?’ HIRED!

March 9 (Thursday)
Work then a late flight
Flying to Minnesota
Seeing fam, and breath

March 10 (Friday)
A day with wife’s fam
Surrounded by love, and snacks
And wise-cracking folk

March 11 (Saturday)
Second eulogy
My wife delivered with grace
Tears and hugs for all

March 12 (Sunday)
Delayed at airport
We’ll miss the kennel window
Won’t get dog til late

March 13 (Monday)
My skin is so dry
I hear empty cup straw-sucking
When lotion’s applied

March 14 (Tuesday)
Doing UX code
“That buttons too button-y”
Ah the squishy stuff

March 15 (Wednesday)
If your arms are ‘guns’
Then are your legs artillery?
Gym rats – please advise

March 16 (Thursday)
March Madness is here!
From basketball atheist
To crazed fanatic

March 17 (Friday)
Can I call in sick
During the SMU game
Then come back to work?

March 18 (Saturday)
Three hour trail jog
Wife got me chocolate milk
Eyes on the prize, self

March 19 (Sunday)
March Madness DRAMA!
This game is heating up! It’s …
Whoops. Dozed off again.

March 20 (Monday)
Felt sick yesterday
Worse today. Know what that means??
9 pm bedtime!

March 21 (Tuesday)
Feel ok, sound bad
I’m the coworker I hate
“Dude! You’re sick! GO HOME!”

March 22 (Wednesday)
Oh hi indie films
A romantic comedy
SHOULDN’T BE SO SAD

March 23 (Thursday)
Senate vote allows
Anything you do online
To be watched and sold

March 24 (Friday)
Making risky jokes
While trying to make new friends
I’m adventurous

March 25 (Saturday)
Cough lingered enough
To justify no long jog
Hellooooooooo non-movement!

March 26 (Sunday)
Iron Fist is eh
But it is better than my
Boring to do list

March 27 (Monday)
Back to working out
Cold sidelined me for a week
Lovely, lazy week

March 28 (Tuesday)
Don’t eat your feelings
Those deep fried, sugar coated,
Tasty, tasty feels

March 29 (Wednesday)
When Tiffany Trump
Gets a book deal in 10 years
What fun that’ll be!

March 30 (Thursday)
Another speech done!
Toastmasters world champ? Not quite.
Champ of this couch? Yep.

March 31 (Friday)
Long day of thinking
Now time to undo all that
With video games

Follow me @DumbFunnery for the daily haiku and probably other tweets you don’t particularly care about.

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