The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Doctor Trump

If you were hoping to read about my baby, nah … it’s just me bashing Trump. I wrote this right after Charlottesville and DJ’s response. See if you can catch my oh so subtle opinion on the matter.

I’m sitting on the butcher paper, nervously rubbing my knee while checking my phone every 40 seconds or so. The doctor should be in any minute now to tell me the results of all the tests that have just been run.

The door opens and he glides in, holding himself to his full height and bearing a look on his face that says ‘I know something you don’t knoooooow.’

I search the doctor’s eyes and he looks down at me, beginning a series of remarks about what a great doctor he is, and how so many other doctors aren’t great, and also about how a lot of doctors think they’re good at tennis but really they’re not that good at tennis. ‘Believe me,’ he says, ‘I belong to a tennis club. These guys. They’re no tennis.’

‘Doc, please!’ I exclaim against my desire to be patient and cordial, ‘what do I have? Is it bad?’

He smirks, then raises his eyebrows, then lifts his chin so he undoubtedly sees more of his nose than he sees my face, and he says, ‘Look, I’m not going to lie, it’s bad. You’ve got on the one side, maybe cancer, and on the other side, maybe a bad headache. They’re just words. Whatever it is, they’re bad.’

My jaw drops. ‘Doc … I … There’s a HUGE difference between cancer and a big headache … Which … What do I have?’

‘Your words, ok. Your words.’ The doctor looks around the room like he’s debating remodeling the place, and perhaps me, he smacks his lips and continues, ‘It’s bad, ok? I’m not here to say which is worse, either way it’s bad. You’ve got one bad thing on one side, another bad thing on the other side.’

My brain nearly shuts off I’m so overwhelmed by rage and confusion, ‘…CANCER. HEADACHE.’

The doc purses his lips, smiles a little, ‘both bad,’ he says as he turns around and walks out the room.

 

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Go For It!

I know, I know, you’re still feeling a little cautious. That’s fine! I’m here to answer your questions to alleviate some of your concerns. Then, you’ll be able to Go For It! with confidence!

Question: Are you sure? Should I really go for it?
Answer: Did I stutter? God. Pay attention.

Question: Will others think less of me?
Answer: Am I some kind of mind reader? I have no idea what others will think. Yeah, they might, or maybe they won’t, whatever.

Question: Are there any risks to my personal safety?
Answer: Yikes. What are you thinking about doing??? Maybe don’t go for it?

Question: How much will it cost?
Answer: Your money is meaningless to me.

Question: What happens if I start down this path and then change my mind?
Answer: I didn’t realize I was dealing with someone so fickle. Get out of my face.

Now that all your questions are answered, you have the confidence to go forth with style, pizzaz, and maybe even finesse! I couldn’t care less!

2017 SMU Football Predictions

Hi sports fans, here we go again.

It’s been a few years since I’ve done this – let’s recap.

  • 2011 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 7-5
  • 2012 Prediction: 8-4, Reality: 6-6
  • 2013 Prediction: 5-7, Reality: 5-7
  • 2014 Prediction: 7-5, Reality: 1-11 (the head coach resigned in September, it was an ugly year)

Since then I skipped 2015 and 2016, perhaps I was afraid that I had played some role in the 2014 debacle, or perhaps I forgot/was lazy. In 2015 SMU hired a new coach, Chad Morris, and they went 2-10. In 2016 they went 5-7.

Now we are in the coaches third season, let’s take a wild, uneducated stab at their schedule. My knowledge of SMU’s abilities and those of their opponents are based solely on … I don’t even know what. It’s like that thing when you start saying something and you hope something good will come to your mind and you just dazzle everyone. That’s where my knowledge comes from.

  • 9/2 vs SFA … Victoryfootball-helmet-01sept2015
  • 9/9 vs North Texas … Victory
  • 9/16 @ TCU … Loss
  • 9/23 vs Arkansas State … Loss
  • 9/30 vs Connecticut … Victory
  • 10/7 vs Houston … Loss
  • 10/21 @ Cincinnati … Victory
  • 10/27 vs Tulsa … Loss
  • 11/4 vs UCF … Victory
  • 11/11 @ Navy … Loss
  • 11/18 @ Memphis … Victory
  • 11/25 vs Tulane … Victory

Total record: 7-5.

SMU football, you old friend/foe, I try to set my expectations low so that I won’t be frustrated but … I know you, you’ll still find ways to hurt my heart. LET’S DO THIS! FOOTBALL!!!

July Haiku

July 1 (Saturday)
Cabin full of fam:
Eight bigs, seven kids, two dogs
Time since last pout: 1.

July 2 (Sunday)
Baby shower day!
With baby obstacle course
…I’ve got work to do

July 3 (Monday)
Item checked off list:
Infield home run … Off a bunt!
Whiffle ball stud, here.

July 4 (Tuesday)
Annnnnnd back on the road
It’s the lady’s turn to drive
The dog and I chill

July 5 (Wednesday)
Want to prevent war?
Watch enemies eat yogurt
It’s so disarming

July 6 (Thursday)
Clicked on an email
The sales pitch excited me
…it was for children

July 7 (Friday)
Wearing purple shorts
It’s cool … Til I’m in a stall
“There’s purple shorts guy”

July 8 (Saturday)
Neighborhood party
Summary: Neighbors are nuts
I’ll keep researching

July 9 (Sunday)
The weekend zoomed by
XBOX One must be lonely
Sorry old buddy

July 10 (Monday)
Shall I compare thee …
To a Phoenix Summer’s day?
Soul crushingly hot?

July 11 (Tuesday)
Reading baby book
Apparently, breast milk is
Made out of magic?

July 12 (Wednesday)
Staying late at work
Code won’t write itself you know
… Not yet … Or I’m hosed

July 13 (Thursday)
First stop: candy town
Next stop: seeing The Big Sick
Wife and I: thumbs up

July 14 (Friday)
Long, stressful work week
But in the end, a success
Weekend brain: ENGAGE

July 15 (Saturday)
Long hike this morning
Beautiful views, and, get this …
I saw a MARMOT!

July 16 (Sunday)
The great Sunday fight
Desire to be lazy
vs. wanting doughnuts

July 17 (Monday)
Bought Stardew Valley
XBOX graphics takes naps, and
I happily play

July 18 (Tuesday)
The yard needs mowing
*A wild raindrop appears!*
Weather? You’re allllllll right.

July 19 (Wednesday)
One month of code pain
Finally done with this piece
Sigh of relief … Check.

July 20 (Thursday)
Oh, hi healthy lunch
What’s that? You want alone time?
I’ll get junk food then!

July 21 (Friday)
Phone shopping online
WHAT!? PHONE’S COST HOW MUCH MONEY?
…My iPhone 4’s cool?

July 22 (Saturday)
Hike to start the day
No one for miles around
That’s prime selfie time

July 23 (Sunday)
Sipping coffee and
Reading about breastfeeding
Typical Sunday

July 24 (Monday)
Costco shopping list:
Milk, chicken, and a cell phone
Just Costco things, right?

July 25 (Tuesday)
McCain fights cancer!
Also fights average person’s
Chance to fight cancer!

July 26 (Wednesday)
First ‘parenting’ test
Something scary, out of hands
I just sit and hope

July 27 (Thursday)
Appointment with wife
All the concern was for naught
Heart, unclench now, please

July 28 (Friday)
Fun pregnancy game:
She feels: ALL FEELINGS. I feel:
Confusion and fear

July 29 (Saturday)
Our little friends prepped
Next phase of baby room is:
Hot air balloon pals!

July 30 (Sunday)
Sleep in? Well, ok.
Accomplish practically zilch?
Sure, I can do that.

July 31 (Monday)
Oh, just freaking great
Time to toss my home-made tee
‘Mooch made in Heaven’

NextDoor – Cat Found

Have you heard of NextDoor? It’s a website for neighborhoods. It is something akin to Facebook meets Craigslist meets weird local newspaper ads. I recently signed up and get to keep tabs on what is happening in my neighborhood and nearby neighborhoods. The posts have ranged from: fb_share_logo1

  • cursing teenagers (don’t worry, someone informed everyone those boys are Mormon and therefore could not possibly have been cursing – turns out they were saying SUCKERS not … well, you can guess)
  • stuff for sale
  • advice on contractors/plumbers/etc
  • someone talking about her single male friend who is a catch (0 replies so far but rest assured I’m watching that one)
  • missing pets

Today someone posted, “cat found.” I don’t recall seeing one about a missing cat, so I can only assume someone is posting about their own cat who just achieved a high level of self-awareness and they wanted everyone in the neighborhood to know. (Who couldn’t help but brag about their self-aware cat?)

I wonder, who is monitoring these posts? And, how weird could I get if I was so inclined?

If I post that I’m selling a gently used box of diapers and include a picture of me smiling coyly, what would you think was happening?

How about a post that says ‘Fine China for Sale’ and then I borrow some steamy language from a romance novel to describe some plates. Would that be allowed to stay up? ‘Dang that’s some fine China, ya’ll.’

Or, another thought, how bored am I that this is the kind of thing I’m wondering about? AND, what kind of responses would I get from the neighborhood if I posted this … thing. What amounts to a velociraptor like study of where I can poke the cage to see what I can get away with? (Where my knowledge of velociraptors is, of course, exclusively from Jurassic Park.)

Do you have NextDoor? Do you like to watch people be weird? Or are you one of the weirdos?

Potluck Sign Up Sheet

We here at DumbFunnery aren’t above a little tomfoolery. A trifle chicanery. A pinch of hijinks.

And one way to show that is anytime you come across a physical sign up sheet for a potluck. You’re walking along and suddenly, there it is, a little opportunity to exercise some creativity.

So grab a pin, take a quick, nervous glance around, and get to work.

Are you Peggy, bringing chinchilla surprise?

Are you Tom, bringing creamed man meat?

Are you Sus, bringing 2 to 4 cans of spinach with some straws?

07c7cad336a91d0807938ce6efb9ee86The key is to picture the confusion on people’s faces when they read this, the wonder, the hope, the fear. ‘Oh, please Lord, let Peggy label her chinchilla surprise so I don’t accidentally eat it.’

Are you Jerry, bringing FAMILY SIZED PORTION OF GLART?

Are you Paul, bringing egg, or shareable egg?

Don’t forget about adjectives, why not throw some adjectives not typically associated with foods on there?

Are you Jackson, bringing an incredibly sexy meatloaf?

Are you Parul, bringing judgemental paella (NO MOMS ALLOWED)?

See what I did on that last one – I overwhelmed you. That’s a rookie mistake. You can bring pancakes (NO MOMS ALLOWED) or you can bring flirty pancakes, but you can’t combine those two things. Then it’s obvious you’re a wackadoo. You’ve got to pace your crazy.

Get out there, pretend you’re Gunther, claim to be bringing your chilled yum yums – no cinnamin this time 🙂 and have fun.

As always, we here at DumbFunnery encourage kindness and weirdness, happy potlucking.

June Haiku

June 1 (Thursday)
Dog to the kennel
Her sad eyes as I depart
“YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME”

June 2 (Friday)
Wedding rehearsal
Fellas cracking wise while … what?
Missed an instruction

June 3 (Saturday)
Standing by my friend
Looking at people in love
Is one of life’s gifts

June 4 (Sunday)
Early flight today
My ‘poke the bear’ gene’s still sleep-
Wait, it’s awake now!!

June 5 (Monday)
Work self-assessment:
Or as I like to call it
Bragging with a cause

June 6 (Tuesday)
You’d think she’d been drugged
But no, this is just Jody
Being her best self

June 7 (Wednesday)
Bad bug found in code
Too wrapped up to glance at news
A glorious day

June 8 (Thursday)
Beautiful sunset
Makes you want to stop and just
Try to breathe it in

June 9 (Friday)
DJ Random Soundz
He’s a character I do
To annoy my wife

June 10 (Saturday)
One “day” I will read
“What” trump thinks using “quotes” means
He’s so dumb it hurts.

June 11 (Sunday)
Saw Wonder Woman
Overly hyped DC flick …
And yet – it was good!

June 12 (Monday)
What’s next for bball?
Three teams with just top players?
Plus tons of bad games!

June 13 (Tuesday)
Quick stress level test:
Do you laugh or get angry
At news anchors jokes?

June 14 (Wednesday)
In soccer, like life
Sometimes, step back to move up
Also, flailing’s cool

June 15 (Thursday)
Folks brought stuff from home:
Old shirts, PS games, yearbooks …
Ya know, basement stuff

June 16 (Friday)
Breakfast and brew tour
Then, naturally, a nap
Post nap: Rockies game

June 17 (Saturday)
Estes Park today
National park and some shops
Plus a gift from mom!

June 18 (Sunday)
Cruising around town
After a delicious lunch
I’m a good chauffeur

June 19 (Monday)
Work has been more tense
Lots of layoffs happening
It’s dark clouds and nerves

June 20 (Tuesday)
Candy for dinner?
No, no, no, I’m a grown up
Candy and some fruit

June 21 (Wednesday)
In a training class
Some folks are multitasking
i.e. not learning

June 22 (Thursday)
Snivvledeblibbets?
Shargrundlebinwozplopums?
(Phoning in this one.)

June 23 (Friday)
‘Well, does he sport though?’
‘He sports great, but he doesn’t TEAM.’
Sports talk show cheat sheet.

June 24 (Saturday)
I’m no artist, but …
Good enough for a baby
(They’re blind at birth, right?)

June 25 (Sunday)
Trip to Home Depot
Paint, relax, paint some more, then …
Trip to Home Depot

June 26 (Monday)
You know what’s easy?
Like, I could do it all day?
Not exercising

June 27 (Tuesday)
Stumbling through some code
Attempting to grok React
Annnnnnd time to google

June 28 (Wednesday)
Thai food with buddies
I guess you could say we’re a …
Thai-t knit group …? Ha. Ha?

June 29 (Thursday)
I figured it out!!
Wait … What’s that mean? And … Uh … Shoot.
Square one, my old friend

June 30 (Friday)
Driving through desert
Always makes me want to play
Red Dead Redemption

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