- Monday – pull one weed
- Friday – check on the yard, see if the other weeds have gotten the message
- (Possibly done at this point?)
- Sunday – visit the one dead weed’s grave, leave some flowers
- Following Monday – pull a different weed (although again, I must stress, I don’t think any of this will be necessary)
- Following Friday – neighborhood BBQ! (You guys are totally invited! I just found a sweet looking BBQ shrimp recipe!)
- Following Sunday – douse the rock bed area in gasoline, light it on fire
Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’
With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.
There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.
There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”
And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?
What are we doing to prepare?
Practicing changing diapers on each other
- Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
- Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
- Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.
Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile
- To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby
Buying ourselves adorable onesies
- This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
- (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)
Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.
- Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
- A grown man being prickly
- Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
- Betty White as the owner of this ranch
- An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
- Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
- And that director’s name? Woody Allen
Having owned my own house for about a year now I can tell you with confidence that I don’t know what I’m doing.
At any moment a pipe could burst, the dryer could leak acid, the backyard could explode into flames, and I’d think to myself, ‘ah, well, I guess that’s normal.’
One key thing is to seem relaxed and confident while dealing with the issue. Put on your least attractive jeans, an old t-shirt with pit stains that somehow reach down to your navel, and a tool belt (if you don’t have one, an ice cream bar is equally good). Then call in someone who knows what they’re doing and offer advice over their shoulder while you pay them gobs of money per hour.
- “Ah, there’s the problem, my rotator belt is shot,” you might say while the person looks at your breaker box.
- “Oh ho, looks like Christmas came twice this year!” you could mutter while the person explains that your air ducts are so full of hair there is essentially a dead Chewbacca in your vents.
- Maybe you prefer nonverbal communication? Try picking your nose and laughing maniacally while the person explains that putting your Nest thermostat in the microwave is not a cheaper way to heat up the house.
- Try a joke to lighten the mood, “my refrigerator isn’t running, but it has started daily walks to lose some weight,” and then nod in complete agreement as the fire deputy explains why indoor bonfires are bad ideas.
As always, we here at DumbFunnery are just offering our opinion and do not necessarily even bathe more than once a week. Got to go now, the cat is dying for a staring contest.
Shot of a vibrant green golf course, panning slowly to show a sand trap, trees lining the fairway, and finally in the distance we see a man, an old man hunched over with age, walking gingerly up to the tee.
Voice over begins as we zoom in toward the man.
I’m Michael Jordan, and I’ll admit, I’m a betting man.
As we continue to zoom you see Michael putting the golf ball on the tee.
For example, I had bet I wouldn’t live to be 94.
Michael starts standing back up.
I also bet Hanes I would never wear any of their incredibly comfortable, incredibly absorbent, and great-priced adult diaper underpants.
Michael is still standing back up, he’s pretty old you know.
But sometimes you lose your bets, and it’s when that happens,
Michael steps back from the tee.
That you really need some spending cash. Like, I’m willing to do any commercial kind of need.
Michael’s slow, graceful backswing begins.
I don’t even want to think about what kind of commercials I’d be willing to do if I live till 100.
Michael swings, connects with the ball, it zooms forward about 20 feet.
Anyway, these diapers are … (pained, sad noise) a real slam dunk.
March 1 (Wednesday)
More Game of Thrones watched
That show’s just abusive
Oh you like him? DEAD.
March 2 (Thursday)
I do meeting minutes now
My style? Verbose.
March 3 (Friday)
Hosted a meeting
Video then discussion
…Engineers all bolt
March 4 (Saturday)
‘Hey kids, IKEA?’
Said the world’s number one dad
In terms of cruelty
March 5 (Sunday)
Went out for a hike
I hoped to spot some eagles
AM I A BIRDER!?
March 6 (Monday)
Sent a mass email
‘This thing is wrong! Needs fixing!’
Oh … Shoot. Nope. I’m dumb.
March 7 (Tuesday)
Kid sees me, jogs too
But, come on kid!, I’m faster!
(Than most five year olds)
March 8 (Wednesday)
‘Describe garbage collection’
‘Put the bin out?’ HIRED!
March 9 (Thursday)
Work then a late flight
Flying to Minnesota
Seeing fam, and breath
March 10 (Friday)
A day with wife’s fam
Surrounded by love, and snacks
And wise-cracking folk
March 11 (Saturday)
My wife delivered with grace
Tears and hugs for all
March 12 (Sunday)
Delayed at airport
We’ll miss the kennel window
Won’t get dog til late
March 13 (Monday)
My skin is so dry
I hear empty cup straw-sucking
When lotion’s applied
March 14 (Tuesday)
Doing UX code
“That buttons too button-y”
Ah the squishy stuff
March 15 (Wednesday)
If your arms are ‘guns’
Then are your legs artillery?
Gym rats – please advise
March 16 (Thursday)
March Madness is here!
From basketball atheist
To crazed fanatic
March 17 (Friday)
Can I call in sick
During the SMU game
Then come back to work?
March 18 (Saturday)
Three hour trail jog
Wife got me chocolate milk
Eyes on the prize, self
March 19 (Sunday)
March Madness DRAMA!
This game is heating up! It’s …
Whoops. Dozed off again.
March 20 (Monday)
Felt sick yesterday
Worse today. Know what that means??
9 pm bedtime!
March 21 (Tuesday)
Feel ok, sound bad
I’m the coworker I hate
“Dude! You’re sick! GO HOME!”
March 22 (Wednesday)
Oh hi indie films
A romantic comedy
SHOULDN’T BE SO SAD
March 23 (Thursday)
Senate vote allows
Anything you do online
To be watched and sold
March 24 (Friday)
Making risky jokes
While trying to make new friends
March 25 (Saturday)
Cough lingered enough
To justify no long jog
March 26 (Sunday)
Iron Fist is eh
But it is better than my
Boring to do list
March 27 (Monday)
Back to working out
Cold sidelined me for a week
Lovely, lazy week
March 28 (Tuesday)
Don’t eat your feelings
Those deep fried, sugar coated,
Tasty, tasty feels
March 29 (Wednesday)
When Tiffany Trump
Gets a book deal in 10 years
What fun that’ll be!
March 30 (Thursday)
Another speech done!
Toastmasters world champ? Not quite.
Champ of this couch? Yep.
March 31 (Friday)
Long day of thinking
Now time to undo all that
With video games
Follow me @DumbFunnery for the daily haiku and probably other tweets you don’t particularly care about.
In looking up Poul I was surprised to find he has quite the Wikipedia entry, he was more than just the handful of bad sci-fi books that I had assumed he would be. Of the two I enjoyed Bulmer’s book more.
Both books featured a main character who was an Earth (or Earth-like) male that women (whether Earthling-like or alien) found attractive, that knew how to handle himself with danger, and had a flippant/wait no I’ve planned all this/wait no I haven’t style. Basically, a bunch of less cool Han Solo precursors. Also, both of them dealt largely with civilizations that looked down or up to others as being more advanced for one reason or another (generally military might related).
I’ve included pictures of the cover of both sides of this book as an explanation for why I bought it. I love campy books, especially sci-fi.
Enough chit chat, lets get to the good stuff. Some of these quotes made me laugh out loud – the authors seemed like geeks trying to imagine what a cool guy would say or do to impress a woman. It didn’t give me much of an impression of a guy drawing on personal experience. (I’m not knocking that, I’d grasp clumsily at writing a character who is suave and debonair and end up basing it on some pre-conceived notion that probably would mostly appeal to men.)
Altaian garments were ridiculously short on him, which was bad for morale. He thanked his elegant ohs for antibeard enzyme …
Flandry noticed once again that Bourtai was no simple barbarian. She came from a genuine and fairly sophisticated civilization, even if it was on wheels. It would be an interesting culture to visit … if he survived, which was dubious.
“Holy hopping hexaglexagons,” he mumbled in awe.
No Man’s World
She’d pierced through with her damned womanly intuition and all the denials in the universe wouldn’t alter her opinion now.
So he was being tailed, then.
So he’d have felt naked if he wasn’t.
She was wearing a transparent negligee that showed most of the things a man might want to see. As Caradine had seen them all before, many times, he could ignore them – with a slight struggle – and concentrate on the reason for their flaunting.
“You see, Mr. Carter, young Tommy Gorse was shot with a one millimeter needle-beam. A one millimeter neadle-beam that was almost certainly a Beatty. Just like the one you have under your arm.”