The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Is Your Body an Extremist?

Recently I woke up around 1030 pm (both my wife and I had gone to bed a bit after 8 – PARTY!) and my clothes were soaked with sweat, as was the pillow I have between my knees, and my pj’s. It was … gross. BUT! My fever was gone, I felt great compared to how I was feeling when I went to bed.

After changing clothes, putting a towel down over my side of the bed (seriously … so much sweat), I laid back down and went to sleep.

But … aren’t fevers crazy?

Your Body: ‘Ok, we’ve got a code yellow. I repeat a code yellow. We have some intruders and we’re going to need to combat this so we feel good.’

Creepy, Dark-Hooded Phantom in the Corner: ‘Burn them.’

Your Body: ‘Uh … I mean … we’ve got lots of different blood cells, maybe we just concoct the right mix of -‘

Creepo: (Smiles) ‘Burn them all.’

Your Body: ‘Nah man, you’re not listening.’

Creepo: ‘Do you feel that?’

Your Body: ‘Wait! How are you doing this? Why are we so warm?’

Creepo: ‘No one likes it when the temp is set to 102!’

Your Body: ‘You’re perfectly freaking right no one likes it. Ahhh. I feel miserable!’

Creepo: ‘Yes. YES!’

Your Body: ‘How am I so cold? Quick! Blankets, all the blankets!’

 

Look, I’m no scientist, but this is how I figure it happens. There’s some pyromaniac living inside you who decides to just light the whole place up whenever something is amiss. 

Psychotic, huh?

Advertisements

Hey Fig Newtons

Hey Fig Newtons … you still exist? I honestly don’t know, and I think it’s because you’re not nearly topical or EXTREME enough in your advertisements.

Let me help you out.

Ad 1

Air Donald Trump’s infamous Mexicans/rapists line

Fade to black

Air a modern day Nazi rally

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Racism is alive and well in America’

Fade to black

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘Try a Fig Newton!’

Ad 2

We see an armed child walking toward a school, an NRA spokesperson cheers wildly, suddenly an oversized Fig Newton falls from the sky and crushes both of them.

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Problems?’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘JUST FIG NEWTON THEM!’

Ad 3

Show a starving polar bear, dying

Show the upward trend of global temperatures over the last few years

Show a puppy, just to confuse people

Then a shot of the most recent Houston flooding

White text on black screen: ‘Your grandkid’s grandkid’s are doomed’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘No one’s ever overdosed on Fig’

Fig-Newtons-Stacked.jpg

Source: Wikipedia (my old friend)

 

 

April 2018 Daily Haiku

April 1 (Sunday)
April Fool’s … Easter
Talk about your low-hanging
Fruits of blaspheming

April 2 (Monday)
It’s cliche Monday
So keep your head in the game
You old so and so

April 3 (Tuesday)
First day of daycare
And dad’s just too tough to cry
(He says shakily)

April 4 (Wednesday)
Home with Mom today!
Catching up on important
Goochie goochie goooos!

April 5 (Thursday)
Day two of daycare
Calm today, I glance around
Yep, my kid’s cutest

April 6 (Friday)
Day for the records
Wife and I took turns yacking
And watching kiddo

April 7 (Saturday)
Ate a banana!
Kiddo is likely thinking
“Mom and dad are … off.”

April 8 (Sunday)
Stomach bug is gone!
Taking it’s place: a sore throat
(Looks to sky): “DAYCAAAAAAARE!”

April 9 (Monday)
If salmon were pals
Could never complain to them
They’d be like, “sounds … tough”

April 10 (Tuesday)
My mutating cold
First sore throat, then stuffed up nose
What next, dear thrill ride?!

April 11 (Wednesday)
With tax day soon here
Really makes you stop and think:
I wish I was rich

April 12 (Thursday)
Kid napped at daycare!
Hooray for not coming home
Utterly wiped out

April 13 (Friday)
Do some work, blow nose
Stifle cough, do some more work
Again! From the top!!

April 14 (Saturday)
Nostril pendulum
Swings from left nostril to right
Oh fickle breathing

April 15 (Sunday)
Sleep strategy talk
We have our new plan all in place!
And … Huh! … He slept great

April 16 (Monday)
Dearly beloved,
We gather to celebrate
Weekends. Gone … too soon.

April 17 (Tuesday)
Occasional stops
To appreciate the love
You have in your life

April 18 (Wednesday)
Tasty soup for lunch
And ‘how do we have nothing!?’
Brand soup for dinner

April 19 (Thursday)
Dear Cough That Won’t Die,
… Please die? Pretty please? … With hate,
My angry body

April 20 (Friday)
Texas friend in town
And Colorado showed off
By snowing tonight

April 21 (Saturday)
Kiddo wants to crawl
Anxiously gets to hands, knees
…promptly frustrated

April 22 (Sunday)
Mom, pal do sushi
Dad and son stay home to hone
Vital squawking skills

April 23 (Monday)
Caught in testing hell
The fix was easy and fast
But the test? Brutal.

April 24 (Tuesday)
“Friday already?!”
(Dangerous delusion games
Let’s watch! And judge him.)

April 25 (Wednesday)
Shows having writing drop
No longer good, just ‘zany’
… That’s the US now

April 26 (Thursday)
Watched Thor: Ragnarok
Can we have a movie of
Just Korg hanging out?

April 27 (Friday)
Wife and kid came by
Joined for walk with my work team
Team cuteness way up

April 28 (Saturday)
Hike with the kiddo!
Look at that bird! Those flowers!
Oh. I see. Nap town.

April 29 (Sunday)
Sick kiddo today
Hate his fever and sad self
Love the cuddles though

April 30 (Monday)
104 fever
Huge fan of having kid’s doc
Ten minutes away

When News Breaks …

At DumbFunnery, we take journalistic integrity as the value of highest importance. So when news breaks – we’ll be there with duct tape!

(No. No, that’s not what that phrase means.)

Ah! DumbFunnery, a bastion of ethics and go-get-em-ics, is ready to hide a lock pick and a shiv in a home-baked cake to help BREAK OUT that news!

(What on Earth? That’s worse. Definitely not that. Just give me a sec and I’ll explain …)

DumbFunnery, armed with a pen, a love of the truth, and a cardboard box, is around for breaking news. Lay down a beat, do the cabbage patch, and let’s breakdance the news.

(…I don’t understand. How are you so unaware of what breaking news means?)

DumbFunnery never takes their foot off the gas, charging hard and fast until – SCREEEEEEEEE – it’s time to brake … for news?

(That’s somehow the most wrong, and the closest?)

DumbFunnery, grabbing the blanket of journalism and a cup of hot tea of hard-hitting questions, is here to help you get back to feeling ready to take on the world. Because sure, news broke up with you, but hang in there tiger, it’s just a bit of breaking news.

(Fine. Let’s go with that.)

When news breaks (up) … DumbFunnery is here to watch Love Actually, maybe call your ex and make funny noises until your ex hangs up, and perhaps even … win a Pulitzer?

The Kiddo’s Music-Themed Animals

IMG_20180408_091742935

Mountain Goatye

IMG_20180408_091719548

Alambis Morissette

IMG_20180408_092442231

Owl Green

IMG_20180408_091737008

Harry Elafonte

IMG_20180408_091805109

Moose Springsteen

 

Thankfully there are also a lot of Barry singers, because we have quite a few bears. Chuck Beary, Beary Manilow … other ones that of course I’m drawing a blank on right now.

A Swell Dinner, and Nuclear Powered Ramjets

Project Pluto was a United States government program to develop nuclear powered ramjet engines for use in cruise missiles. Two experimental engines were tested at the United States Department of Energy Nevada Test Site (NTS) in 1961 and 1964.

– Source.

On May 14, 1961, the first prototype nuclear ramjet, “Tory-IIA,” was test fired. In case things went awry, the Livermore scientists and engineers working on Project Pluto watched the test from miles away with ready access to a fallout shelter stocked with two weeks’ worth of food and water. – Source.

(A young couple is finishing dinner.)

Fella: Boy, that was tasty!

Gal: Sure was! And it’s hard to beat the company, too!

Fella: Aw shucks! You said it, but I was thinking it!

Gal: I sure hope you’re thinking of another night out, too!

Fella: (His happy look fades, a look of fear takes over) Of course!

Gal: …What’s wrong?

Fella: No, nothing. Nothing. It’s just … work is going to be … pretty intense.

Gal: (Raises eyebrows.)

Fella: Really! I would love to take you out for dinner tomorrow night, or the night after, or the night after that, it’s just I *might* have to work nights the next two weeks. And days. And you should leave town just in case.

Gal: …Are you not really single?

Fella: Of course I’m single! I just … listen, you know how I’m an engineer and –

Gal: You’ve never fully explained what you do.

Fella: (Mumbles) Yeah, the government would love me explaining what I do.

Gal: What was that?

Fella: What? Oh, you know, I do math for the government. Checking numbers. That’s all. It’s boring. Speaking of boring … this town, huh? You should take a vacation! It doesn’t need to be two weeks, even. Just leave before this weekend, and uh … watch the news.

Gal: I don’t like this date nearly so much anymore.

Fella: (Breathes deeply) I care about you. Like, a lot. And sometimes I feel like my heart is a nuclear reactor attached to a missile and I could just explode due to a small mathematical error that, really, anyone could make, and I am afraid you’ll get caught up in it … Maybe if you leave town for a day, or so, you could see if you would be able to handle my intense emotions.

Gal: Aw. That’s weird. Are you saying you’re just Russian into this? (She laughs.)

Fella: (To the reader) That joke is an anachronism. The missile was being developed largely because of the USSR, not Russia. But that is really hard to use USSR to make a dumb play on words joke. Maybe if this was instead about a former pirate captain who joined the Navy, something about USS Argggh. I don’t know. See? It’s tough.

Gal: Come on, let’s go to get some ice cream!

Fella: Ok! And we can check out what kind of refrigeration units they have in case you ever want to hide in one!

Soda fountain and booths, Earnshaw Drug Co., East Greenwich, R.I (78831).jpg
By “Tichnor Quality Views”, Reg,U.S.Pat.Off., Made Only by Tichnor Bros., Inc., Boston, Mass. – Boston Public Library Tichnor Brothers collection #78831, Public Domain, Link

 

Slight Improvements

When I was going to start first grade my family moved from Korea to Alaska. The school was close enough to my home that I would walk to school every day (including when it reached -60 degrees out, I was just bundled up to a point that I could hardly move).

The first winter there we also happened to have record snowfall. It was crazy. People had to come shovel your ROOF for fear that the weight of the snow might cause damage. That’s a lot of snow.

Every school day I followed the same path. I’d go out our front door, cut across a field and then be on a sidewalk until I had to cross the street directly across from the school.

After the initial big snowfall I walked to school happy and charmed by the snow. Stomping along happily through the snow and taking it all in. This was a mistake. Because then more snow came along, and more snow, and more snow. The snow was deep enough that trying to walk through it would lead to thighs of steel, and/or a boot lost when your leg sinks into the deep snow and you wiggle your leg around until it finally pops out but whoops … no boot. This meant every day that winter was a reminder – I took some awfully big, goofy steps that first snowy day! By tracing the same steps every day I was able to keep cutting across the field, and avoid sinking into the snow. But unfortunately, my steps were hard to follow.

The next winter I had learned my lesson. After the first big snowfall I didn’t lift my feet at all, shuffling through the snow all the way to school. I created a nice, easily walkable path across that field.

This winter, confronted by snow again, I have also made some slight improvements.IMG_20180202_073547663

I shovel the front porch because otherwise ice is liable to form there, and it’s no fun to walk on snow or ice in your slippers. With a clear porch I can let the dog out in slippers no problem.

And I shovel a bit of the grass because our dog is a dope, and she will wander aimlessly for a while if she sees no grass to pee on. Eventually she gives up and picks a random spot. But it’s easier if I have what I affectionately refer to as the ‘pee patch.’ If this spring that grass is dead, I’ll know the dog is overdue for a visit to the vet.

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