The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Short Short Stories’ Category

Three Wishes

Ok, ok, let me think. I wish I knew what to wish for.

Ok genie, I didn’t like that. Who are YOU to tell ME what to do about being careful with how I phrase things!? I’m pretty sure YOU aren’t the one with the power to command me what to do. So take a seat genie, because honestly, I just wish you’d shut up.

Oh great, now you’re making some dumb face at me genie? Really? You’re going to just sit there, making dumb faces after telling me what to do? You’re worse than … No, no, there’s only one person worse than you. My step mom’s hairdresser. Yeah, you wouldn’t think I know this person so well that I can promise without a doubt that she is the most annoying person on Earth but I have spent that much time with her … and she is … I just wish she was here right now so you could meet her.

…Well, shoot.

Hey Neighbor

Hey neighbor,

I wanted to write a note to say thank you again, and also to apologize. (aka my wife told me to – just kidding!, I really did want to.)

It was great of you to invite us to your home, and what a great way for your family to meet the neighborhood! I should not have said “woah, Stockholm Syndrome is really effective!” when you introduced me to your spouse. As I’m sure you’re aware, not everyone gets hung up about looks.

Your story about high school and being the student council president and what you learned from that experience was sensitive, touching and great. With time I have come to the realization that I should have expressed my sympathies rather than making a joke. Then again, sometimes a joke can lighten the mood, and I bet even you would have laughed if you’d have gotten the joke.

You see, Danny Devito is an actor and veto means to reject something, so when I said, “did you DeVeto that?” I was implying you’re like Danny Devito. That’s a compliment, he’s famous you know. And yes, obviously I know you’re a woman! Or, if I didn’t, I do now. Just kidding!

Your neighbor,
Doug

P.S. My wife has advised me that this letter may be just as offensive as I was at your party and that I should not send this … BUT, to be honest, it’s probably just going to get more creatively mean the more I try.

P.P.S. I look forward to your next party!

Drastic Measures

He sat down and stared at the behemoth in front of him. This … was to be his lunch. He already knew he would be eating until he felt awful but he picked up his fork and dug in anyway.

This was his favorite and least favorite (during astute post-meal analysis) restaurant in the world.

The amount of dollars spent here would be upsetting, shocking, pain-inducing and gut wrenching … Unless compared to the amount of calories consumed here. And then the dollars would be a mere drop in the bucket.

Before he knew it his plate was half empty, his appetite was gone, and yet the fork continued to move.

Slice, slice, bite. Slice, slice, bite. The rhythmic motions perfected like an Olympic level athlete’s perfect form.

He sat back, finally, stomach so full it almost hurt to exhale. Taking deep breaths because the effort had exhausted him physically and somehow, against all logic, emotionally.

The plate was conquered. The dish vanquished. Appetite demolished. Sense of self-hatred sky rocketing. The belly was the new ruler of the land and, oh, she was not pleased.

He got up, asked to see the chef, the manager, and his waitress. He took a large sip of his drink and proceeded to spit it out, as though his mouth was a whale’s blowhole, onto each of the three people integral in this all too large consumption fest.

Finally, he thought, I can actually stick to my diet now.

Smooth Criminal

The bank job had gone all wrong. There wasn’t even one moment after it started where things were going right. Tommy had tripped while moving into his position and his gun fired.

All hell broke loose after that.

With some quick thinking and surprisingly intelligent gut instincts from the crew, we still managed to get the money … But the cops were on to us from the start.

Our driver was good, but not that good.

As the police were closing in on us I had a flash of brilliance.

“Guys – when the cops finally get to us here’s what you do.

“Tommy, Stick out your tongue and make moose antlers with your fingers.

“Shoes, Ask a cop if you can pull his finger.

“Donnie, Yell out ‘stranger danger – mommy said to never talk to strangers!!’ when a cop starts yelling at you.

“And I will -”

One of the fellows cut me off. Not everyone on the crew is as smooth an operator as I am. They wanted to know why we should act like a bunch of kids.

“Guys,” I said this almost laughing, our jail time would be nothing, couldn’t they see?, “I’ve heard about cases where someone gets less time because they’re juvenile.”

Free Range Cattle

When he discovered his son in the barn with a joint he was incredibly upset. He just stood there, boiling with anger, unable to react because of all the thoughts racing through his mind. He was about to start on a yell-oriented lecture when he became even angrier: his son was laughing. With his eyes bulging he let the look on his face start the lecture for his son, but it seemed irrelevant. His son was usually much better than this, and smarter. Every little chuckle, every grin, smirk, and stifled laugh only added days to the pending punishment – but still the laughter came from his son. Finally, he had to put aside his pride and admit defeat. The laughter would not stop, and sheer curiosity had begun to replace the anger. “Dad …” his son started to say without prompt, “Dad,” he repeated, and then gestured to the cows and to his joint, “I figured out a way to make free-range veal!”

Meanwhile, in an NES Game

– Honey … Do you hear that?
– Woah! Who is that coming to our house in the middle of the night?
– I don’t know, but I’m afraid.
– Don’t be, darling, I’m sure he won’t –
– He just walked in.
– Well, so he did.
– …
– …
– He just walked right by us!
– Is he … Is he going for our cabinets?
– What kind of person is this!? He’s just – wait he just took some of our food!
Do something, dear!
– Do what!? Do you see that sword he has clipped to his side?
– Yes but … You could say something!
– He’s not coming for us, I say we just ignore it.
– Oh … He’s left.
– See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re just short some food, but we still have our lives.

(Some time later)

– He’s back!
– Ah! Maybe this time he’ll …
– Nope. He’s just gone and taken our food again.
– Sure enough.
Why did you restock the pantry already!?

(Some time later)

– Swordy is back.
– Uh oh.
– You restocked the pantry again?
– The house feels incomplete if I haven’t!
– Ugh.
– You know I get the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually spoken to us before, but for some reason we can never remember and we end up saying the same things over and over to him so he just ignores us now.
– Right, like we don’t have any memory whatsoev … Are you restocking the pantry?
– Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I?

The Day the Oceans Stopped

There are in the world, at any given moment, roughly fifty personalities that are so strong even being in the same room with one of them gives you a sense of accomplishment.

One might think, given the strength of these personalities, that they would naturally be world leaders or CEOs or some other position of power and great influence. This is not true. The fifty or so people range in careers. At one time, as recently as the 1970s, one of them was actually a sheep herder. The young man owned four outfits and yet he could have been monumental in bringing about an age of peace and prosperity the likes of which the world has rarely seen.

Why are these personalities being spoken of? Because of the Earth-shattering change that recently happened.

Everyone of course remembers the way the ocean tides stopped recently. That was pretty noticeable. Also noticeable was how one side of the Earth has been dark for a few days straight now. It’s distracting, to say the least.

These big events have overshadowed another big event, which, scientists now believe, was the cause of the more news-worthy items. I’m talking about the explosion at the recently opened McDonald’s in Jiayuguan, China. A grease fire mishandled at a McDonald’s. How that is not a more common news bulletin is another matter entirely.

The most shocking item is that, by pure chance, eighteen of the fifty personalities were in that area and tragically were killed in the explosion.

Some people believe the world revolves around them. It is a foolish misconception sparked by their own vanity. For those roughly fifty people, this sentiment is true.

And this is why the world has stopped revolving.

‘Who will the world revolve around now that you’re dead?,’ this is the question foremost on the minds of every citizen of the world.

The world is at a standstill, literally, with an abundance of people who think the world revolves around them, and a definite shortage of those who make the world go round.

(This was inspired by this joking quote from Tim Minchin, “My last words are going to be, ‘Who’s the world going to revolve around now?'”)

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