The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Stories’

When? 2472. What? A Conversation.

I don’t think I found it but … It’s too weird to just dismiss.

What is it?

It’s something called ‘Spider Man.’

Some creature that was half man, half spider? Sure, sure! That could’ve caused the downfall of civilization!

No, uh … I think it’s just a bunch of movies.

Oh. A horror movie about a half spider, half man? Whatever. They made a lot of terrible movies in their heyday.

No, listen. Listen. There were a BUNCH.

Again. That’s nothing. They made movies that seemed really –

LISTEN! 2002, Spider-Man. 2004, Spider-Man 2, 2007 Spider-Man 3!

Well –

LISTEN! 2012, The Amazing Spider-Man, 2014 The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Now that is –

Wait. There’s more. Apparently he was then in a Civil War, and then in 2017, Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Seven movies in 15 years? That actor must have gotten so –

Three actors.

Seven movies. 15 years. Three actors? None of that makes sense!

EXACTLY!

I doubt it caused the Earth to blow up, but … I mean, that is weird. Maybe that’s what signaled when intelligence just kinda stopped.

I still think it was 2020, so many bad jokes led to the collective consciousness resigning.

Yeah, could be.

spider-man-tobey-maguire-andrew-garfield-tom-holland-987043-1280x0

Picture from here, post aside, I’m looking forward to the next spidey flick.

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Short Short Stories

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First Day of Work Tweets

@bikes4bullies, 6:36 am: Ahhhh! First day of work! SO EXCITED!!

@bikes4bullies, 7:12 am: Leaving now! I could hardly eat breakfast!

@bikes4bullies, 7:18 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: dude i think im still drunk. good luck.

@bikes4bullies, 7:40 am: Dang got here way too early! Now I’m sitting in the parking lot like a perv. Some good looking coworkers though o_O =D

@bikes4bullies, 8:10 am: Everyone is super nice. Score!

@bikes4bullies, 8:59 am: Ok. No harassment. No misuse of resources. No super long breaks. Don’t talk like an idiot. Don’t look like an idiot. Got it.

@bikes4bullies, 9:25 am: @champchimp4life Lawlz … No I write my tweets on the sly and only takes a few seconds so it’s not misusing any company time or anything.

@bikes4bullies, 9:26 am: The bathroom smells weird. Yes, I’m toilet tweeting. Twoileting?

@bikes4bullies, 10:02 am: Still in hr training stuff … so basically you’re saying use common sense … seriously, got it …

@bikes4bullies, 10:41 am: One of the people in the sexual harassment video was hot. Is that weird? jk jk

@bikes4bullies, 11:12 am: Goooooooood godddddddddd make this stop

@bikes4bullies, 11:14 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: thats what she said

@bikes4bullies, 12:49 pm: Lunch couldn’t last long enough. I’m only like 4 hours into my day. How is this possible?

@bikes4bullies, 2:14 pm: Dang I just realized like I have to do this like forever?

@bikes4bullies, 2:17 pm: I wonder if anyone has ever cried during training because they realized the summer of their life is over.

@bikes4bullies, 2:19 pm: hahasorry too real right?

@bikes4bullies, 3:02 pm: Wow. This guy I just walked by is like a genuine hunchback. I think I’m going to do that 10 minute break from your computer an hour thing.

@bikes4bullies, 3:14 pm: Would it be considered bad to play hooky on your second day of work?

@bikes4bullies, 3:52 pm: Ok sorry. Got some negative tweets. I’ve got a job. It’s good. It’s cool. It’s just that I miss college.

@bikes4bullies, 4:12 pm: Saw my desk. This is some genuine Office Space stuff right here! I even saw a guy with a red stapler.

@bikes4bullies, 4:14 pm: Who is going out tonight?

@bikes4bullies, 4:15 pm: Because I’m not! LOL!

@bikes4bullies, 4:20 pm: Got a bunch of responses to that … Maybe it’s less LOL and more … I don’t know. The guy I sit next to has been working in that EXACT SAME CUBE longer than I’ve been alive.

@bikes4bullies, 4:34 pm: Did you know 26 minutes is 1,560 seconds? I just learned that.

@bikes4bullies, 4:35 pm: Did you know 25 minutes is 1,500 seconds? Haha ok I’m done.

@bikes4bullies, 4:44 pm: Here’s my new way to tell how slowly time is moving … If I’d rather be doing sit-ups time is SLOW. If I’d rather be at yoga time is moving at an ungodly slow pace.

@bikes4bullies, 4:59 pm: So a co-worker just told me that one guy at work Googled my name and found my Twitter account and apparently a lot of people I set by have been watching this and laughing all day.

@bikes4bullies, 5:01 pm: Oh shit they saw that too.

@bikes4bullies, 5:04 pm: See you tomorrow (co-workers). Everyone else, I’ll write you on fb to send you a new screen name

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Short Short Stories

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Whisper’s What’s What

Step up, shut up and listen up folks because I’ve got a tale to tell. A little less than a bit of time ago I was as open-eyed and curious and full of crum-dumb tomfoolery something or other. But now with Whisper’s What’s What I can see more than the average, I hear more than two ears should be expected to hear, and I can smell what ails you.

And what ails you, dear friends, is a lack of confidence.

And what else ails you?, eh?, I’ll tell you – it’s a lack of memory. And of confidence.

But shh, stare no more at my shirtless, shining, gleaming, muscled up bodice, belly button lint-free I might add: for I am just a representation of what you could be had you a bottle of Whisper’s What What.

How?, what?, for me?, for … free?

FREE! Yes I said the OTHER magic word, not thanks, not skanks, not hi-janks to get you some product seduced by sex and selective feelings of superiority. No, no. This is a guaranteed, bonified to leave you stupefied pro-duct. I wouldn’t emphasize the pro if I didn’t feel confident about Whisper’s What What.

How much, then, hm? How much would you pay to be the shining example, to be the boy, the girl, the man, the woman on the poster? Hm? How much would you pay to be the one people look to in the grocery store thinking, ‘I bet HE knows where they keep the protein bars.’ I ask you – do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

YOU sir, you with the brown trousers, the two-toned shirt that’s brown on the bottom, green on the top with green sleeves, (you look like a plant), do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

Oh you do, eh? What’s that? It’s because you had just one sample of Whisper’s What’s What!? Why, just yesterday? My brother must have been out here giving samples! That old scrapperdoodle. I’ll give him a what one, make it two, no three, better make it a what for.

Just a little humor folks. Yes you, like me, could be attracting audiences like this one, up to TWO people at a time! One plant and one confused looking little old lady. Ma’am?

…Oh. Yeah, the Wal-Mart’s up there.

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Short Short Stories

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