Heidi Klum (kindly): Tell us about yourself!
Contestant (confidently): Well, I’m going to juggle … while dancing!
Howard Stern (inconsequentially): I once electrocuted a football player … Maybe that’s why they call me a shock jock!
(Person starts to perform.)
Nick Cannon (whispering): I can dance, sure, but juggling AND dancing!?
(Person finishes. It had juggling. And dancing.)
Howie Mandel (enthusiastically): That was incredible! And what I loved most was that you didn’t touch me because I hate germs!
The Existential Judge (devoid of emotion): What was the point?
Contestant (boldly): To entertain America!
The Existential Judge (as though his heart is made of stone): No, I mean of your existence. Of everyone’s existence.
The British One (adorably): I love tea! What do you do, love?
Contestant (adorably-er): We are going to tap dance the national anthem.
Howie Mandel (germ-free): Let’s see it!
(Group performs, audience loves it. Some people are crying for some reason.)
Heidi Klum (somehow … sincerely?): I didn’t think it could be done, but I love America even more now!
(Audience goes wild.)
The Existential Judge (with a soul that has been replaced by an ocean so deep, in a cave so dark, it makes you question your sanity): Sure, that was nice … But if there is a so-called ‘kind’ God, why does evil exist?
Contestant: U-S-A! U-S-A!
(Crowd joins in.)
Contestant (wearing a low cut shirt): Hello, I’m a comedienne … And a magician. But I guess my main joke is my whole act itself.
(Audience recoils from the brutal honesty.)
(Audience recovers and cat calls due to the shirt, or maybe the twist ending … But probably the shirt)
Howard Stern (with an air of embracing sexism): Honey, I love your … personality! You should come on my show sometime!
(Contestant performs. Audience loves it.)
The Existential Judge (with a tone that proves black holes exist, at least emotionally) Consider, if you will, a boat. And the boat has one board replaced. Is it the same boat? Is it the boat that was originally created or something else entirely? Now, consider humans … If you have cosmetic surgery, are you the same person? If someone has limbs replaced by prosthetics, a pacemaker, contacts – is that person the same as the one who began their life? The ‘sameness’ of said person can rely on the existence of a soul, but
(Audience falls asleep)
In college I took a philosophy class and we learned about The Ship of Theseus (the boat idea above). I didn’t do well in philosophy because my reaction to The Ship of Theseus problem was … Who cares if it’s the same boat? What’s your point? If, dear reader, you know the point of that philosophical exercise (beyond the point of it proposes an argument of ‘it’s the same boat’ vs ‘it’s a different boat’) please let me know! Seriously. I got nothing from that stupid class because the professor stunk.