Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.
The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.
What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!
What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.
Night After I Killed the First Ant
Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.
DumbFunnery 
Comments on: "Kill the Scouts" (6)
That was really good and funny!
I go totally low tech and just off them with my thumb…
How do you kill them? I like to spray them with kitchen cleaner. It can take out large groups in awkward places, like when they are already climbing all over your balcony table.
Wow! Unexpected visit! Thanks Michael!
Usually I go low-tech, a rolled up paper towel or toilet paper. It’s a more intimate experience that way, you know.
That’s truly noble of you. The survivor ant knew he wouldn’t be coming back a second time. You didn’t let him die in vain.
I’m imagining you outside your apartment ruthlessly stomping on insects and laughing maniacally…. yup, seems about right.
Jerk ants are the ones with their collars popped.