The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

Is Your Body an Extremist?

Recently I woke up around 1030 pm (both my wife and I had gone to bed a bit after 8 – PARTY!) and my clothes were soaked with sweat, as was the pillow I have between my knees, and my pj’s. It was … gross. BUT! My fever was gone, I felt great compared to how I was feeling when I went to bed.

After changing clothes, putting a towel down over my side of the bed (seriously … so much sweat), I laid back down and went to sleep.

But … aren’t fevers crazy?

Your Body: ‘Ok, we’ve got a code yellow. I repeat a code yellow. We have some intruders and we’re going to need to combat this so we feel good.’

Creepy, Dark-Hooded Phantom in the Corner: ‘Burn them.’

Your Body: ‘Uh … I mean … we’ve got lots of different blood cells, maybe we just concoct the right mix of -‘

Creepo: (Smiles) ‘Burn them all.’

Your Body: ‘Nah man, you’re not listening.’

Creepo: ‘Do you feel that?’

Your Body: ‘Wait! How are you doing this? Why are we so warm?’

Creepo: ‘No one likes it when the temp is set to 102!’

Your Body: ‘You’re perfectly freaking right no one likes it. Ahhh. I feel miserable!’

Creepo: ‘Yes. YES!’

Your Body: ‘How am I so cold? Quick! Blankets, all the blankets!’

 

Look, I’m no scientist, but this is how I figure it happens. There’s some pyromaniac living inside you who decides to just light the whole place up whenever something is amiss. 

Psychotic, huh?

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Hey Fig Newtons

Hey Fig Newtons … you still exist? I honestly don’t know, and I think it’s because you’re not nearly topical or EXTREME enough in your advertisements.

Let me help you out.

Ad 1

Air Donald Trump’s infamous Mexicans/rapists line

Fade to black

Air a modern day Nazi rally

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Racism is alive and well in America’

Fade to black

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘Try a Fig Newton!’

Ad 2

We see an armed child walking toward a school, an NRA spokesperson cheers wildly, suddenly an oversized Fig Newton falls from the sky and crushes both of them.

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Problems?’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘JUST FIG NEWTON THEM!’

Ad 3

Show a starving polar bear, dying

Show the upward trend of global temperatures over the last few years

Show a puppy, just to confuse people

Then a shot of the most recent Houston flooding

White text on black screen: ‘Your grandkid’s grandkid’s are doomed’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘No one’s ever overdosed on Fig’

Fig-Newtons-Stacked.jpg

Source: Wikipedia (my old friend)

 

 

What’s in Their Beards?

Watching NHL playoff hockey, you see a few beards. And, occasionally they show a fella sitting on the bench licking his lips and perhaps … the old flavor saver?

That has NHL fans everywhere wondering …

WHAT’S! IN! THEIR! BEARDS!

Alexander Ovechkin – He actually has a Russian doll of beards, and is savoring the taste of a smaller beard (and I bet you’ll never guess what’s inside that tinier beard!)

LeBeard Grovtuskinovich – Famous half-French, half-Russian hockey player who once said after a game, ‘I dropped my ham.’ Sure enough, an 8 pound ham was found on the ice.

Joe Thornton 2016.jpg

 

Joe Thornton (retired) – David Sedaris, the author, actually lives in his beard and makes him delightful French pastries. It’s one of nature’s weirdest symbiotic relationships (Thornton provides Sedaris with whimsical thoughts).

Sidney Crosby – Play-Doh. Is he great at hockey? Undeniably. Does he desperately need a therapist? And then some.

P. K. Subban

 

 

P.K. Subban – No snacks here. No sir. Instead it’s a small index card with reminders of stuff white people like. Wait. Wait just a minute! Subban, you trickster! He also has an assortment of cheeses to help calm his white teammates when they get too riled.

Attn: Ellen (4/4/18)

Front

Ellen345a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen345b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

It’s the time of year where we must once again ask ourselves – am I the only one who sensed sexual tension between Vader and R2?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Merry Christmas!!

My wife suggested we make each other sweaters to wear on Christmas day. We settled for long sleeves from Hobby Lobby.

Her sweater for me comes with instructions. When people say ‘great sweater!’ I am supposed to say ‘dino!’ … Like ‘I know!’ … But ‘dino.’


My sweater for her … Haven’t you heard of the famous Christmas sheep?


From our little weird family to yours, Merry Christmas!!

Christmas Prep

Now that Thanksgiving is in the rearview mirror it is time to begin prepping for Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas … if you don’t, read on, this is all made up nonsense anyway so I’m not excluding anyone).

Oprah is often a source for favorite things, and what better way to decorate than to model Oprah’s favorite things? But, I’ll do you one better. One of Oprah’s things that she has yet to pick – Gayle! Her buddy! Print off a few pictures of Gayle’s face and frame them in festive Christmas frames.

And that’s it.

Yep. You read that right.

2012-01-23-gaylekingcbscreditJust a bunch of Gayle’s framed around your house.

For the real go-getter, frame pictures of her hands, maybe a close up of her ears. Get to the point that you feel creepy and deranged, and know that you’ve just begun.

Then invite family and friends over.

Those who want to stay, make sure to never spend time around those people again. Yikes. As for the rest of your family and friends, we here at DumbFunnery wish you the best of luck in convincing them you’re not nuts.

Merry Christmas Prep Everyone!

Attn: Ellen (11/29/17)

Front

Ellen327a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen327b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

While fishnet stockings over your face may look attractive, it can make eating difficult.

Note here, this woman attempting to eat her finger.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR

@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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