Aries | March 21 – April 19
The world will rejoice, and cherish you this week, when your overuse of ironically saying, “you go, girl” gets you beat up – and serves as a warning for all to stop saying that.
Taurus | April 20 – May 20
Lady luck is on your side this week, said no one to you.
Gemini | May 21 – June 21
Not content to let dogs lie, you will also let them cheat and steal this week.
Cancer | June 22 – July 22
Papa needs a new pair of shoes!
Leo | July 23 – August 22
While you are not normally argumentative, you can still best be described with a word that rhymes with witchocles.
Virgo | August 23 – September 22
Virrrrrrrgoooooooo. It’s fun to say it in a voice like you’re a fog horn. Come on, try it.
Libra | September 23 – October 23
A lot of positive energy will be heading your way this week, unfortunately it will be heading your way under the not so gentle hands of a drunk driver. Buckle up!
Scorpio | October 24 – November 21
Prepare for an emotional week, when your lack of sleep leads you to be a real pain.
Sagittarius | November 22 – December 21
Capricorn | December 22 – January 19
Your friends will come up big this week, when you guilt them into getting ice cream with you while you complain about your jerk co-worker, Tom.
Aquarius | January 20 – February 18
What do you call it when you and a “partner” get so blackout drunk that you manage to have a one night stand, two nights in a row? By Thursday, you’ll know.
Pisces | February 19 – March 20
Focus your energy, and hone your chi, or whatever. What do you expect, it’s the last horoscope – I’m all out of ideas.