Thank You for Coming
Ladies and gentlemen of the press
Stop saying my campaign is a mess
Despite the rumors I’m not here to ‘confess’
I am here to explain
That I am not insane
It may cause my wife, mother, father, children, anyone who knows me – pain
(Oh and those who donated to my campaign)
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 100 times
I’m not behind the incident with those reindeer and mimes
It was, as you know, an evil imposter
Who is no longer gainfully employed on my campaign roster
As for why I had been employing an evil imposter?
I say how dare you sir!!
My campaign manager clearly was in charge of employment
Three strikes you’re out so packing he was sent!
Changing topics, isn’t my wife great?
On a scale of one to five, she’s an eight!
Oh and speaking of eight … let me again apologize
(You know for me it was just as big a surprise)
Me? With multiple personality disorder??
All of you said, ‘well that seems a tall order.’
But it’s the only explanation for my rampant cheating –
And not remembering a single clandestine meeting …
A single hot, steamy, amazing, fantastically good clandestine meeting …
What was I about to say?
Oh! Summer vacation should be a private event
I only had my shirt off for one brief moment …
But the tattoo seen and heard about
Will be removed without a doubt!
(And no, my tattoo will not now be shown
But in case it’s not already known):
Who will know the difference but I?’
Obviously this does not represent me
Though it sometimes represents my mysterious, yet real, other personality.
And now, if I may, a quick laundry list
Sincerest apologies if there’s anyone I’ve missed –
Sorry to all of the pet shops in this county
Sorry to the Rosemary Hotel’s group that gathers for afternoon tea
Sorry to those, uh, *select* few who found out I have a web camera
For that matter sorry to anyone who ever left me alone with their camera
Sorry to everyone in pages 74, 115, 148, and 96 of any phone books
Sorry, though you’re inanimate, to our lovely parks giant chess board’s two white rooks.
A particular apology to my wife
Who has stood by me all my adult life
Actually that reminds me –
Tight gun control has become very important recently
Like, did you know it’s legal for your spouse to just go buy a gun?
And shoot blanks at you for fun?
Anywho, I digress
I’d apologize to my kids but instead I’ll say: suppress, suppress, suppress
I’m a joker of course
And as my voice is getting hoarse
I will call this to a close
But first a shocking fact so your brain grows –
Out-of-wedlock pregnancy is on the rise
To deal with that I can’t even surmise
I assure you I’m researching this personally
Because an issue is irrelevant unless it affects me
Thank you, I’ve been great!
I’d stay for questions but I don’t like to work that late