The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘kids’

Weekly Wacko (32)

Unknown Knowns

You know the line about there being known knowns, known unknowns and then unknown unknowns? Well, unknown knowns are my favorite.

Why?

Because kids are so trusting. Suckers.

I don’t know why I love to be sarcastic with people who don’t know, yet, what sarcasm is – but it’s so much fun. It delights me to no end. Here I’m going to re-create a conversation, to the best of my memory, that I had one day.

A few years back my niece came into my bedroom when I was playing the playstation. She was bored and interested in me playing with her. I was interested in the Madden game I was playing. I decided we’d meet at a middle ground – not play, just talk.

But wait, that’s right, I’m an uncle.

This means I can’t just talk with her, I have to mess with her.

“Did you know you know Chinese?”

“No I don’t!”

She didn’t even bother to have me clarify, “do you mean Cantanese, or Mandarin?” Four year olds are so dumb. (Note: I don’t know how old she was at the time, but it’d ruin my joke line to include that clarification. Like you wouldn’t yell, “FORGET YOU! … Well, not literally forget you, I mean like … you know, forget this particular incident because I’m frustrated with you.”)

(Note: Maybe you would yell that, that’d actually be pretty good.)

“Yeah, you speak Chinese, you just haven’t grown into your brain enough yet to know it.”

“…”

“I’d guess you’ll learn it in a few years. Like one day you’ll just start speaking Chinese.”

“That’s not true.”

“I know! It sounds crazy” (we’ll pretend that I just got an interception, take that opposing team!), “SWEET! … but yeah … you know Chinese.”

“…”

“Fine. Don’t believe me. But you’ll see. I mean, how would you know something’s not true if you haven’t experienced it?”

“I guess that’s true.”

“Yeah. It is.”

“Come play outside with me!”

“Nah, I’m pretty busy.”

I don’t know how the conversation actually ended. But I DID temporarily convince my niece she would one day tap into some wealth of knowledge she hadn’t used yet – and as part of that she would suddenly speak ‘Chinese.’

*

Another proud uncle moment was when my sister and I taught my nephew the phrase ‘hoochie mama.’ We got him to say it, then when he finally did (it took a while, he seemed uneasy about us – us!, can you believe it?!) we would clap and smile big and yell ‘yay!’ when he would say it. This encouraged him, and soon he was saying it with pride.

Turns out his parental units did not find this nearly as funny as E$ and I did.

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Weekly Wacko (27)

Punch-Me-in-the-Face-Adorable

When I was in high school I often played with neighborhood kids (it was actually a neighbor mom’s mother who made me realize why – she was asking about my favorite neighborhood growing up and I said Alaska, because even though I was only K – 2nd grade when we lived there, even the ‘big kids’ (ie high school) played sports and stuff with my friends and I. She pointed out that I was now the big kid. Very perceptive and obvious, and it made me feel pretty good to carry on something I thought was so amazing).

One of the kids was a little girl in elementary school. She had apparently developed a crush on me – I would guess it’s because I was a senior in high school, a boy, played with the neighborhood kids, and tall (it was more fun that way when I picked up kids and spun them around or such).

One day she was running around the neighborhood and she decided to come around. She rang the doorbell and I answered. She had, watch out for the oozing amounts of adorable, brought over a juice box for herself and I.

We went outside and drank juice (substitute wine and add forty years and that’s the kind of scene). It was getting dark out so I told her I’d walk her home.

She wanted a piggy back ride so I obliged. Walking across the circular field in the middle of the neighborhood she admitted to me very plainly, “I wish I was a teenager so we could date.”

I mean, come on. I challenge you to out-cute that.

One day, her younger brother walked up to my house as I was sitting outside. It was my senior year of high school. The weather was perfect, and so I walked outside and laid down on the driveway, watching the clouds roll by. The young stud walked up, said “hi” (he was maybe four at the time?) and sat down beside me. He looked over, then laid down like me. Looked over again, so I had my arms behind my head – using them like a pillow, and mimicked that.

I felt like the coolest older brother ever. It’s no wonder I’m a huge fan of that family.

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Weekly Wacko (2)

My junior and senior years of high school I consistently volunteered at a Youth Center at Hunter Army Airfield. I worked with elementary school kids, helping them to figure out their homework, or if they didn’t have any they would have me touch the ceiling (my lanky 6′3 frame was an easy source of amusement).

One of the employees at the Youth Center was Miss Grant. Miss Grant enjoyed having me around, and she was (as well as the other folks who worked there) great to work with. One day Miss Grant came up to me after I’d been helping some kids for a while.

“Well?,” she said, with a heavy dose of expectation on that word.

“Uh …,” I said, not sure what I’d missed.

She stared me down for a while, “aren’t you going to congratulate me?,” she finally said, again with the implication that I should be ashamed I hadn’t said anything first.

“Uh …,” I said, no less confused than before, but now feeling guilty.

She rubbed her belly.

“Uhhh …,” again, still unsure, but the way she rubbed her belly could only mean one thing, “you’re … you’re pregnant?! Congratulations!”

Trapped.

“WHAT?! I’m pregnant!?!”

Terror, fear, horror, guilt, worry.

“How dare you say I’m pregnant! I know I could lose some weight but -”

Then, she cracked up.

“That was fun,” she said, smiling, and walked away.

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