The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Awkward’

Wikipedia Joke Guy

I decided on an identity for myself for classes. Is it too late? Let’s hope not, because it’s a gem of an identity.

I will be! … Wikipedia Joke Guy!

Here’s how it will work …

Professor: Well on this slide there are only nine things in the Common Body of Knowledge but … I thought there were ten …
(A minute later)
Me: Uh, professor … I just looked it up on Wikipedia. There are ten, I think you’re missing the “Operations Security” part and also, according to Wikipedia, Tommy Harris is a big stink face.

Aren’t I zany!? You see, anyone can update Wikipedia, so … I’m pretending that some random little kid … Um, you know … Went on Wikipedia and wrote … that … So … Sorry, keep going, Professor.

I have a feeling that would be the follow-up comment to my joke. There would probably be a few people in class who would get my joke, and the joke would maybe even get a smirk or two, but everyone would let me sit there in my joke explanation pain.

But would that stop me? Hardly.

Boss: Well I’m not sure when the Agile methodology actually started …
Me: According to Wikipedia it started in 2001, and also dinosaurs are a ploy by the government to distract us from the fact that Lasik is an experiment in mind control.

Cue the crickets, and the awkward joke explanation talk.

Questions NOT to Ask Before a First Date

“Do you have, like, a really good sense of smell?”

“How much do you worry about safety?”

“Do you talk with your friends a lot? Family? Basically, I’m just curious who knows about this date … Does anyone know that we’re going to meet up?”

“If you went on a first date with a guy and it went awesome, everything clicked, there was attraction … all that stuff!, but then it turns out he was married – would that bother you?”

“Do you like guys with cats?” (Have I talked about this already, maybe …)

“Hit and run is such a vague thing … like, seriously, answer me, what constitutes a ‘hit’?”

“Are you wearing your pink coat?, because I don’t really like that one.”

Attn: Ellen (6/6/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My book club is reading 50 Shades of Grey. I had heard about it, and watched the video of you “reading” it – and I thought it would be entertaining.

Instead, it makes me feel as awkward as this postcard makes me feel.

Yikes, … just … yikes …

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Thank You?, No, Thank Me

My freshman year of college I was walking downstairs in my dorm to put some laundry in. I had the basket, so it wasn’t very easy walking. At the bottom of the stairs was a large, heavy door that was always closed for fire safety.

A guy was walking a number of steps in front of me – he was just past the distance where you go through the internal debate of ‘should I hold the door for the person behind me?’ Except, I was carrying a bulky object, which extends the time you should wait to hold the door.

The guy decided that he was far enough away, or a big enough punk, to not feel the need to hold the door for me. He walked on through, and the door began to close.

I would’ve preferred that not to have been the case, so I decided the appropriate thing to do would be a sarcastic thanks. I was by myself, but that only seems to encourage my desire to make stupid jokes.

“Thanks,” I said out loud, with a cheesy grin and exaggerated wink.

That’s when the guy, the saint, came back, with the purpose of holding the door for me realizing I could use the help.

We both stopped and stared – I had the presence of mind to un-wink, and slowly go from cheesy sarcastic smile to awkward, what to do … what to do … smile.

Eventually he backed up and let the door close behind him. I decided to wait a bit before doing my laundry.

Awkward Quick Hits

I went to a big meeting and asked a question which was not a question but really more of a complaint about the current setup for the project the meeting was about. Later that day I was walking to the bathroom, and from the other end of the hallway my boss’s boss was also walking there. He said, “you troublemaker!” I laughed and went in the bathroom. Then he came in. We ended up sitting in stalls next to each other … I wanted to either undo  my being in the bathroom or shout, “HERE COMES TROUBLE!”

I was hanging out with a friend, along with her girlfriend and another friend of ours. My friend said something about liking chick-chick flicks. Then she asked if I knew what that meant. I assumed it meant a really girly chick flick, but then something about how she asked made me think – wait, “she’s talking about girl-on-girl porn??” Then, after I mentioned porn, she became embarrassed for me and explained that chick-chick flicks are a romance movie where the two characters who fall in love (not lust) are girls. Whoops.

I went out on the town with some friends and was introduced to friends of my friend with this – “This is Brad, he’s a really crazy dancer.” The response from one guy was, “I can tell by his bone structure!” Later the three of us walked over to a group of girls to try and muster up the courage to talk to them (I talk a big game and say ‘let’s do it!’ then I chicken out). While we’re standing there a girl came up and asked if we had a lighter for her cigarette. We said no, then the friend-of-friend said, “this guy’s dance moves will light a fire though!” Then the two friends and the girl stared at me. I stared back – too much pressure! – and did nothing.  (But that line of his still cracks me up.)

And I’ll end with a brag – I was very proud of this little joke of mine. Two friends of mine and I headed to lunch one day, and when we arrived we got out of the car. There was a construction site nearby and a man was banging something metallic on something else metallic. I said, “that is the worst steel drum band I have ever heard!” (Actually I said that’s the worst Jamaican band I’ve ever heard – but I’ve revised the joke now that I have time and can remember what I intended to say.)

Attn: Ellen (8/3/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

When I see a girl who I am attracted to I become very awkward. It’s unfortunate. I become awkward, and I create situations that look and feel strange.

If only there was some photograph that could depict how weird/awkward I am.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Quick Hits from D.C.

Hello friends … how are ye? I’m in the D.C. area for a little trip.

I

I’ll throw out a statement my cousin, and sometime commenter, made yesterday:

He was talking about seeing a beautiful woman and the thoughts that follow

  • She’s probably a jerk because she’s so beautiful
  • She’s probably too good to talk to him
  • “Or three, I’m an idiot because neither of those first things are true but I’m too afraid to go talk to her.”

I won’t say that last one is a direct quote because I didn’t write it down then, but I thought that was pretty brilliant from ol’ cousin G.

II

I also got to meet up with a friend of mine I haven’t seen since high school. I had bragged somewhat about meeting up with her because she’s a writer for a very well known and good magazine … Time.

Yeah. That’s right. I know a real writer.

She called me a tramp many times. This is because, at dinner one night, we (along with friends of hers) talked about if a kiss at the end of a good first date is expected. I said yes. She said no. Therefore, I was a tramp. So you’ve heard it here first, folks, Time magazine thinks I’m a tramp.

III

Last night I went to a coffee shop mainly to check emails. I noticed a table right by me with two girls, one of them on her laptop. She was looking at okcupid and plentyoffish, two dating websites. She was reading some messages to her friend, and they were laughing about guys on that site.

Sure it could be perceived as mean, but I’d challenge you to be on one of those sites and NOT do that sometimes.

One of the messages the girl had gotten involved the guy telling her she was lucky to have received a message from him, that it was a great experience. I thought that was pretty good.

I actually ended up talking to them about the sites and how they enjoy them. One of the girls told me the other girl was trying to date the village people – a biker, a cop, an Indian chief, a … whatever the rest are. This was a joke goal, but also pretty fantastic.

Girl 1: Where will we find a cowboy?
Girl 2: Ok well it doesn’t have to be a cowboy.
Girl 1: Yeah, it could just be like a guy from Texas.
Girl 2: Yeah. He’d have to wear a cowboy hat though.
Girl 1: Ok so a guy from Texas.
(Me sitting there, visiting from Texas.)

The fact that I went up and talked to these two was enough bold, outgoing-ness for one day. I wasn’t about to say, “ya’ll lookin’ for a Texan? Aw now, look no futha’.” Except wait, I’m awkward.

Me: I’m actually visiting here from Houston.
Girl 1: Perfect! You two can date!
(Girl 2 probably scared.)
Me: Well I’m not FROM Texas. You need one of my co-workers with a real thick drawl.
Girl 1: Oh ok.
(Unsure where to go from there … a little awkward silence … I made fun of Texas … then the shop owner says ok get out. It was closing time.)

Congratulations to me.

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