The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘scary’

Crib Assembly

A number of years ago for Christmas I bought my mom a book, The Hypochondriac’s Guide to Life. And Death. It’s a humorous book that jokingly attempts to so overwhelm the reader with rare and deadly diseases that you can’t help but give up on your hypochondria.

My mom is not actually a hypochondriac at all, but she is one for her children. When I was 21 I was about 6’3 and let’s say 150-160 pounds … in case that doesn’t help – TALL AND SKINNY. I was debating the idea of signing up for a marathon class at college to help me prep for a marathon. Why not, right? My mom had recently seen a Sunday night news program talking about a tall, skinny, in shape young man who died suddenly and unexpectedly while training for a marathon. It was an incredibly rare heart condition that is generally only seen in skinny and tall fellas. Motivated by this, my mom made an appointment for me to get an EKG to check on my heart.

FullSizeRender(1)Having just opened up a box containing the pieces that will be used to assemble a (dear God please let it be safe and sturdy) crib, I am beginning to see the foundations of her hypochondria by proxy.

WARNING. IF YOU ARE WEARING A BAGGY T-SHIRT OR OUT-OF-FASHION SHORTS WHILE ASSEMBLING THIS CRIB, THIS MAY BE A HAZARD.

I think there is a warning for everything in the instructions. It’s comical until you reflect and realize what led to every single additional warning, and then it is gut-wrenching. Louis C.K.’s edgy don’t-touch-that-topic style approach to humor has nothing on crib assembly instructions.

The crazy thing is, even acknowledging this makes me fearful. What have you done to me, unborn child?

P.S. This may be the only product I will have ever registered for, since they send safety alerts. For once in my life, I’ll be rooting for spam instead of a real email.

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

The Honeymoon Highs and Lows

The Highs and Lows

It is a tradition for my wife and I (and my family at Christmas time) to state highs and lows. That is, you say, “ok, what was the high and low of the trip?” (and at Christmas, it’ll be for the year). It’s a good chance to reflect back and look at the trip/the year and see just how bright and dark it got. Plus the two, together, make the other more dramatically high and low.

With that in mind, here are the highs and lows of my wife and my honeymoon. Because I want to write more than just a few sentences, I’m going to do this piece-by-piece.

The Departure

The trip started as soon as we got engaged, but it really took off in September when the tickets were bought. At that point we were committed. Departure was easy to remember, it was the day after my wife’s birthday.

At some point trip-related documents changed, which went unnoticed by myself, my wife, and our travel agent. This caused me a LOT of grief but now I’m over it.

The unnoticed change was an important one.

We arrived at the airport at 1 pm for our 4 pm departure – extra early because it was an international flight (Houston -> Frankfurt, Germany -> Delhi). At the gate we stated our rehearsed line, “hi! [cheery smile, cheery smile] We were wondering how much it would cost to upgrade our seats? It’s our honeymoon so we’re thinking about splurging!” The hope here was that the aw shucks honeymoon thing would inspire some kindness on the part of Lufthansa ticket agents.

The girl behind the counter doesn’t seem phased and keeps typing. Oh well, I thought, it was worth a shot. But to not smile or anything? Something seemed wrong. Eventually she looked up and with a flat tone told us, “Your flight left yesterday.”

After thirty seconds or so, when my brain returned to me, I was angry at myself and confident because my thought was: ‘I am not that stupid. I would not make this big a mistake.’ Well, that turned out to be sorta true.

I had in my notebook full of trip-related documents two flight itineraries: the original one and the most recent one with our seat assignments. Sure enough, the two differed in initial departure time by TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. As I looked through documents I saw again and again the new departure date but I had glossed over it every time, 100% sure of the departure date being wife’s birthday+1.

So, that awful sinking feeling, the next 45 minutes of worry and anger at myself and the unfortunate reality of needing to shell out 1,500 dollars to buy a new set of tickets was the low.

The big plane is the A380, which seats a cool 545 people.

The high? Lufthansa.

The ticket agent gave me a Lufthansa 1-800 number. But first my wife called our travel agent and said here’s the situation, what do we do?

The travel agent suggested I call Lufthansa. In addition, she would look through her documents and call Lufthansa.

I got an answer from the 1-800 number on the second or at most third ring which was very unexpected. I explained what happened, although probably in a very confusing and scatterbrained and panic-voiced manner and said, “is there any way we could get new tickets at a reduced cost?” The Lufthansa representative asked if this was our fault or the travel agency, and she suggested I call the travel agency … I told her, well our agent said to call you. I also said that we have two documents with the SAME reservation code, SAME flight number, but two different departure days and we never saw an updated email so the mistake was ours because we continued to see the same departure date despite the fact that it had actually changed.

Kindly, the representative said ok, I’ll look into it.

Meanwhile Lauren (the Mrs!) heads to the ticket counter with the two sets of documents, both of us hoping that by showing them that we have two sets for two different departure dates we can get … nope.

I was on hold a while. 15, 20 minutes. We were getting nervous. While I was on hold Lauren looked up ticket costs because while 1,500 dollars is a LOT it would be much much worse to not go on the trip.

Then the representative is back. She apologized for the delay and told me she spoke to her boss, and her boss’s boss. Woah. Are you at the airport? Yes. If we could get you tickets would you go today? Yes! Ok, hold please.

Lauren then tries frantically contacting our travel agent, who is ALSO trying to get us tickets with Lufthansa. We fear the worst – what if both people (the person I’m talking to, the person our travel agent is talking to) try at the same time and so it serves only to block each other! Lauren gets through, the travel agent hops off the phone.

My representative comes back and says, “you’re all good, enjoy your honeymoon.”

While fear and panic and worst-case scenario thinking dominated my thoughts for the next 36 hours, the situation had been resolved. I don’t know if I had initially said honeymoon, or if our travel agent had gotten through and passed that on … But Lufthansa saved the day for us in the biggest way.

Again, Lauren and I made the mistake of not recognizing our departure day changing. BUT, to defend ourselves again (because it’s better than admitting we are dummies) we had one day implanted in our brains PLUS the time change confused things. Depart 4 pm day 1, arrive 8 am day 2 in Germany, depart noon day 2 in Germany, arrive day 3 at 1:30 am in Delhi.

Low: Unexpected Changes or … The Failure to Recognize

High: Unexpected Kindness or … Lufthansa Fan for Life

Up next:

Charlie Sheen’s Most Supreme Body Part

Which Body Part is Charlie Sheen’s Best?

 

 

Sorry for the crappy picture quality … (here’s the text)

Knee

“Dude don’t get me started on – WHOAAAAA I just cured cancer. Then I time traveled to everywhere and stopped cancer from even existing.”

 

Teeth

I remember one time I was gnawing on one of my arms (possibly someone else’s arm?) and I had to stop and just admire myself for a second because without thinking about it I had also chewed off 3 or 4 legs. Can your teeth do that? NO.

 

You Know …

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

 

Right Eye

Looked into your soul. Got bored. Created a new soul for you. Actually somewhat worse than your previous soul – sorry.

 

Knee

You know that feeling when you’re coked up and you can’t remember if you’re talking to a hooker or a nightstand and so you just kind of hold money out and hope for the best and then show that hooker/nightstand the night of its life? That’s how I feel ALL THE TIME.

 

Upper Thigh

I have to invent new words sometimes because the english language was invented by fools and tyrants and shquandlos and God I’m just wyxlam you know? Oh no you don’t because you’re inferior. Wait. Reading this temporarily made you better than me but then I created another version of myself, killed that version and again made myself the supreme being.

 

Heart

I WILL REIGN DOWN UPON YOU MY SUPERIOR INFINITENESS OF SANDWICH-LIKE MAGNIFICENCE! I AM TALKING CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICHES HERE TOO SO YOU KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS. LIKE WITH CUT-UP WALNUTS AND MAYBE SOME GRAPES AND LIKE THE BEST BREAD IMAGINABLE. BOOM SANDWICH TIME.

 

Hair

I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen things you can’t imagine and I just dance in the wind and meanwhile you’re all just sitting there contemplating about dinner. Dinner? Seriously? I had seven dinners already today because time stops and starts at my whim and oh I’m so effing whimsical today man.

Attn: Ellen (1/12/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen.

It’s like someone cracked a joke that Neil Armstrong found funny, Buzz Aldrin found amusing, and Michael Collins found scary.

Wonder what the joke was.

Sincerely,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com

Weekly Wacko (55)

(Note: This is really not that interesting, but the ‘weekly wacko’ section serves as a diary for me and I wanted to write out how I felt about this. Also, I wrote this 11/9/10.)

Hello Again, Feelings …

Today was a fairly big day for me. Since I love telling stories I of course can’t just tell what. I have to tell why.

Last week I came back from my trip to Florida and worked on Friday. I saw that my boss had his door open so I swung by to tell him that since NASA had not launched the shuttle, I needed the Lego Shuttle set to comfort my wounded heart and spirit.

“Ohh! Yeah, I’m surprised I haven’t bought that yet.”

My boss is cool.

He didn’t say he would buy the Lego set for his kid – he’d be buying it for himself. He then pulled up the Lego website and complained that they misrepresented the size of the shuttle. We tried to figure out how big it would be, and decided that it’d be cool, but even cooler if it was 5 feet tall.

After that he asked me to sit down. I am a worrier and a pessimist so this made me nervous. I asked if I should close the door and he said yes. Yikes.

I came to Houston on a one-year contract: January to January. At some point I began working on another project outside the one I was hired into. This project was(/is?) slated to be finished in March so I approached my boss (actually I talked to 3 bosses about this – gooo corporate!) and asked about the idea of extending my contract until March. I got a thumbs up. This was a few weeks ago.

On Friday, I was sitting there and the first question from my boss was, “how do you like working here? Be honest.”

Double yikes.

I told him I enjoyed it, but lately the changing scope of the work (the economy and I are enemies) had sucked the enjoyment out. Currently the feeling is: “you can do that, it doesn’t matter anyway because this project might be trashed, so sure … go do that.”

He told me my name had come up for a new project that is just getting underway. It’s an intense one, it’ll be a big challenge, you know, that old bag of tricks. Nevertheless, it’s exciting and was a boost to my ego to be wanted for this team (though it’ll be a huge team so not that big a boost).

He told me to think the idea over during the weekend. I thought, and talked with my folks, and thought some more. My gut feeling was yes please and Occam’s razor told me go for it – but I felt like there should be some down-sides I was missing.

On Monday I met with another boss who talked with me about it some more. When I said, “this sounds like it’ll be very challenging work,” he laughed at me. An, “oh you poor, ignorant fool,” laugh. My bosses are piloting me across the river Styx.

Today I met with boss number 1 (Lego boss – who informed me that boss number two is a karate whiz and probably sits around thinking of ways to break people’s necks. Again, Lego boss is awesome). Lego boss was being pushed to get an answer from me and I … said yes.

Yikes!

The project may fail, it has a nebulous shape at best, it’ll be very challenging and this worries me because I don’t want to look dumb. But my desire to not look stupid does not outweigh my desire to be a part of this. I emailed my sister and told her that the two downsides to my accepting this offer are: fear of not being good enough/fear of the unknown, and not getting to move to a cooler place or closer to home. Sorry Houston, don’t mean to hate on you.

My sister had a very nice response which was: “Duuuuuude that is so awesome. take a moment to be positive before you start bashing yourself.”

This is my being positive. Congratulations, self. Don’t blow it.

Weekly Wacko (54)

Happy Halloween!!!

This week I’m in Florida with my parents to see the space shuttle launch.

If you hadn’t already noticed, I am a geek. I am jazzed to see the shuttle launch.

My plan is to post some while I’m there … we’ll see how that goes. Either way, I’ll be sure to post nonsense when I get back. Though I have a strong feeling I’ll be talking to the girlfriend unit and sister while on the trip, and with my mom … so there goes about 95% of my readership.

This leaves you, Hendrik!

Anyhow, here’s the scariest thing I could think to post.

That hair could eat a man. Oh wait, it did.

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