The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘baby’

Crib Assembly

A number of years ago for Christmas I bought my mom a book, The Hypochondriac’s Guide to Life. And Death. It’s a humorous book that jokingly attempts to so overwhelm the reader with rare and deadly diseases that you can’t help but give up on your hypochondria.

My mom is not actually a hypochondriac at all, but she is one for her children. When I was 21 I was about 6’3 and let’s say 150-160 pounds … in case that doesn’t help – TALL AND SKINNY. I was debating the idea of signing up for a marathon class at college to help me prep for a marathon. Why not, right? My mom had recently seen a Sunday night news program talking about a tall, skinny, in shape young man who died suddenly and unexpectedly while training for a marathon. It was an incredibly rare heart condition that is generally only seen in skinny and tall fellas. Motivated by this, my mom made an appointment for me to get an EKG to check on my heart.

FullSizeRender(1)Having just opened up a box containing the pieces that will be used to assemble a (dear God please let it be safe and sturdy) crib, I am beginning to see the foundations of her hypochondria by proxy.

WARNING. IF YOU ARE WEARING A BAGGY T-SHIRT OR OUT-OF-FASHION SHORTS WHILE ASSEMBLING THIS CRIB, THIS MAY BE A HAZARD.

I think there is a warning for everything in the instructions. It’s comical until you reflect and realize what led to every single additional warning, and then it is gut-wrenching. Louis C.K.’s edgy don’t-touch-that-topic style approach to humor has nothing on crib assembly instructions.

The crazy thing is, even acknowledging this makes me fearful. What have you done to me, unborn child?

P.S. This may be the only product I will have ever registered for, since they send safety alerts. For once in my life, I’ll be rooting for spam instead of a real email.

The Baby’s Room

Deciding how to decorate your child’s bedroom is an important step in raising a child. It can really set a tone for how you want your child to turn out, what kind of relationship you’d like to have with that child, and most importantly, it will determine how many likes you get on various social media platforms.

Let’s say you’re a doctor, and you have terrible bedside manner, would you like your child to be cold and calculating like you? Why not all white? It’s simple, elegant (ish) and it says, ‘happiness? NOT IN MY HOUSE.’

What if you want your kid to be more likely than the average child to turn into a serial killer? Try the Tory Burch exclusive color, ‘painstakingly pink.’ But here’s the thing, while most parents are decorating the nursery, you should decorate yourself in this color as much as possible.

Now, it may be clear to you at this point that I know a lot, and furthermore, that I’m worth listening to. Yep, I agree.

How about a kiddo that you have no particular aspirations for? Try a beautifully painted, furnished, and decorated room … with this secret: a few very small and subtle clowns painted in random places. Consider that kid a shoe-in for least likely to succeed.

As always, we at DumbFunnery care deeply about our readers, and if anyone has any child-rearing or future child-rearing questions, we don’t have the answers, but we do have a very detailed and unsettling set of follow-up questions. Hit us up @DumbFunnery or with an email to DumbFunnery@gmail.com. Or, just look behind you. I’m right there. I’ve been there the whole time.

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

Life Milestone

A new life milestone for myself, and much more physically impacting for my wife, we will be parents! Woah!

Aside from that big milestone there are other ones that accompany it: first baby outfit purchased (see below), first time saying goodbye to money for the next X years (where X equals a number I don’t want to think about).

Goodbye money, hello adorable clothes that will be usable for less time than I sometimes wear one pair of socks in a sitting. (Just kidding, you hope.)

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Rich Baby

The other day I met what has to be one of the richest women ever. She was talking to her baby about this food she’d just bought for her baby. Designer label food! Gerbers is apparently not good enough for them, noooo. They have something made by a fancy label. But, I have to admit, with how adamantly she was talking about it, I’m really curious what this “Gucci Goo” tastes like.

He’ll also eat crushed up diamonds.

Baby Announcements and the Internet

It seems like announcing that you are having a kid in a creative and fun way is a new competitive event. I saw two different friends post that they are “egg-specting” on Easter. How long had they been planning this? Probably years! (They had to get the timing just right. An “egg-specting” announcement in December makes no sense, unless you can somehow make it “egg-specting-nog” … but that sounds like some magical drink that gets you pregnant.)

Moving on.

None of the above is my point – and also I guess that means the title is very misleading …

Moving on, again.

HERE’S my reason for posting! My biiiiiiiig joke. The big joke-a-roni. Yes, sir, it’s gonna be worth reading all this nonsense if you just stay with me. Okie doke. Here we go. Ready, set, joke-it-to-me.

I think instead of saying baby, you should always be very specific and say ‘human baby.’ That way you sound like a real crazy! Take these examples … for examples …

  • What a cute human baby!
  • How old is your human baby?
  • Yeah, ever since she baby-sat her niece she has human baby fever.

Welp, there you go. That’s my post.

Tough Interview Question

I read that one way to have someone prove their ability to communicate difficult concepts in an easy to understand manner is to ask a question like, “how would you explain a website that is http versus a website that is https to your grandmother.”

First, you may have to familiarize yourself with the technical intricacies of the difference because wait … what does http even stand for? I mean I know s is secure or … like … security but … How does the internet work!?

Anywho, I thought of a question I would ask if I was conducting an interview of someone who I didn’t like because I felt he or she was too cocky: “How would you explain how babies are conceived to your grandmother?” Then when the person insists that their grandma knows or that the question has no relevance for being a clerk at a grocery store I would simply state, “If you want the job,” then I would pause for dramatic effect, “then explain to me, as though I am your grandmother, where babies come from. I went to a Catholic high school so … don’t mind me taking copious notes.”

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