The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘yikes’

Crib Assembly

A number of years ago for Christmas I bought my mom a book, The Hypochondriac’s Guide to Life. And Death. It’s a humorous book that jokingly attempts to so overwhelm the reader with rare and deadly diseases that you can’t help but give up on your hypochondria.

My mom is not actually a hypochondriac at all, but she is one for her children. When I was 21 I was about 6’3 and let’s say 150-160 pounds … in case that doesn’t help – TALL AND SKINNY. I was debating the idea of signing up for a marathon class at college to help me prep for a marathon. Why not, right? My mom had recently seen a Sunday night news program talking about a tall, skinny, in shape young man who died suddenly and unexpectedly while training for a marathon. It was an incredibly rare heart condition that is generally only seen in skinny and tall fellas. Motivated by this, my mom made an appointment for me to get an EKG to check on my heart.

FullSizeRender(1)Having just opened up a box containing the pieces that will be used to assemble a (dear God please let it be safe and sturdy) crib, I am beginning to see the foundations of her hypochondria by proxy.


I think there is a warning for everything in the instructions. It’s comical until you reflect and realize what led to every single additional warning, and then it is gut-wrenching. Louis C.K.’s edgy don’t-touch-that-topic style approach to humor has nothing on crib assembly instructions.

The crazy thing is, even acknowledging this makes me fearful. What have you done to me, unborn child?

P.S. This may be the only product I will have ever registered for, since they send safety alerts. For once in my life, I’ll be rooting for spam instead of a real email.

Changes Afoot

Goodbye apartment, hello home.

Goodbye rent, hello mortgage.

Goodbye crazy global travels, hello worrying about money for the mortgage payment. (Gah.)

Goodbye current corporate overlord, hello new corporate overlord.

(Which also means a sad goodbye friends, hello strangers who will hopefully be nice.)

Goodbye Texas, hello Colorado.

Goodbye old life, hello new life.

All in all, the lady and I are terrified and excited and apprehensive and jazzed and living the life of an emotional pendulum.

busy apartment

Goodbye apartment box-maze, hello home that can fit this much stuff

“So … That’s a No?”

“Corruption and envy and lust for power. Cruelty and coldness. A vicious, probing curiosity. Pure, poisonous, toxic malice. You have never from your earliest years shown a shred of compassion or sympathy or kindness without calculating how it would return to your advantage. You have tortured and killed without regret or hesitation; you have betrayed and intrigued and gloried in your treachery. You are a cesspit of moral filth.”

The Amber Spyglass, by Philip Pullman

When I read this I thought, woah, that’s some insult. Then I imagined myself memorizing this phrase, or having it handy for when I get a call from a salesperson.

“We noticed you’re not currently getting … Would you like to embrace this opportunity to make yourself a better person by paying us money?”
I respond with that crazy thing. Maybe leaving out the part about murder and torture, maybe not.
“So … That’s a no?”

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