The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Weekly Wacko (37)

Big congratulations to the bro and new sister-in-law. I headed to Vegas on Tuesday night, the wedding was Wednesday, and then I hung out with my family until Sunday when I flew back to Houston.

I wrote a speech for the wedding, which I didn’t end up giving. But you know what? I like the speech. Thankfully I have this self-centered blog that revolves around me. So blog, do your thing. I changed my sister’s name to E$, like you do. And the bro’s name to: T.


I didn’t know if I had to make a speech or not, and I didn’t want to ask T because that’d be too easy, so I asked mom and E$ and they said write one just in case.

So that’s the opening line of my speech.

Anyway. I’m going to tell you a story about T and I. The family all moved out to Arizona because we figured Dad was lonely, and we wanted to teach him to never make that mistake again.

One day, everyone was gone but T and I. We were bored.

We’d probably already been in the pool about 20 hours that day, and watched plenty of TV, so we found a new distraction – two-square. Like how 4th graders do. We were on the driveway going back and forth, trying to set a record. One tap. Two taps. Three taps! Dang, messed up. One time I accidentally hit the ball to the ‘yard’ – which consists of small, sharp rocks. T, the athlete, jumped after it with abandon, killing his feet. He saved the ball, but I was too busy laughing at him sacrificing his body to react. He and I cracked up at the fact that T just wrecked his feet for stupid two-square.

Life was good.

E$ was gone when that was happening. She was here in Vegas actually. She got back and she later told me she was ‘disgruntled’ because T and I got all buddy-buddy and were ganging up on her for a change rather than E$/me or T/E$. E$ is very much a good middle sibling, peace keeper. She’s a very good listener, at least she tells me that – like daily – so T and I talk to E$ much more than we talk to each other.

I guess what I’m saying is E$ more of a best man than I am. Look at her. All manly and such.

No, I’m just kidding I guess.

T has had a very big impact on my life. Emotionally. You know. Like with emotions. For example, a lot of you may not know this – I didn’t either, until I made this up when I wrote this speech (just kidding) – anyway, I didn’t like reading when I was growing up. My dad taught me that books are for sissies. But then one day, T, the coolest sissy I knew, gave me ‘The Sword of Shannara.’

I read that, and it’s a book about dudes with swords and magic and all that nonsense. And I think a large part of my not having a girlfriend until college was because of that. But a nice thing was that I really liked the book. And it’s like 800 pages. Nothing to sneeze at. So I read the book, and I loved it, and then I read the next one, and the next one, and so on. I was crazy for the books.

I still remember T’s favorite character was Panamon Creel. He had a hook for a hand. Yeah. There was another character who was a ninja (my favorite), but T chose the guy with a hook for a hand. Take that as you will. I’m also picturing that the character T liked wore sequins. No, I’m kidding about that part. But now that you know T chose a pirate over a ninja, sequins probably fits the bill for him.

Anyhow. When I moved to Houston recently it was very daunting and scary and a little squishy, emotionally that is, and so I did what has become a norm for me ever since that summer I first read ‘The Sword of Shannara’ – I escaped in books about dudes with swords and magic and all that nonsense.

So I appreciate T more than he realizes. And I would thank all of you to not acknowledge the fact that a genuine compliment was given in this speech, because I am a WASP and it is against my religion to acknowledge the showing of emotions. ‘And God said, shut your pie hole about it,’ Job 3:14.

But T has been a huge part of my life, and I am much the better person for it. He’s ocasionally sprinkled some knowledge my way, and in return what did I do? I grew to be taller than him. I’m not very nice, am I?

Anyway let’s all raise our glasses and toast the newly married couple – T & H [his wife], their future, and of course let’s also toast dudes with swords.


Below are three lovely photos from the enjoyable week with the fam.

The bro, sis and I. Plus Jozy (sp?) making an appearance on the left.

Couple o’ studs.

They don’t bring you free drinks when you sit at a slot machine and read. Especially if the book is meant for 8th graders (ironically enough, given the speech above, it was a Terry Brooks book).

The fam, sans T and the newbie.

What happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. At this fancy club I went to at the Wynn, there were stripper poles. And apparently, you get a bunch of Vegas hooches together, get the booze flowing, and girls turn into strippers. Vegas, huh? This particularly lovely lady, right after this picture, went BAM right to the ground on her back. Even better? The stripper poles, at the base, had a sort of fountain. Soaking wet, drunk, and full of shame – classic Vegas.

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