The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘family’

Part of the Brood

The kiddo and I were at a park earlier today when we almost got … indoctrinated. I was sitting on the edge of a sandbox (it’s an awesome park) and the kiddo was inside playing. Another kiddo, maybe a year or two older, was also playing in the sandbox with a dump truck.

Then I blinked and one of the other kid’s siblings appeared. This one was maybe a year or two older than the first one.

I blinked again and yikes, another one! This one maybe four or five years older.

man sitting on stairs

I typed in brood in the wordpress free photo library and it gave me this. Come on man, I meant brood the noun!

And oh lord, that kid circling who is a year or so younger than the youngest one … are you part of this pack?

It seems like many people are having fewer kids these days but there are some really bucking the trend. Kudos to you, weird commune seeming people. Oh wait, my son just picked up a fistful  of sand and in the same time he took that the commune-mom got pregnant. No, she wasn’t having sex at the park, it’s just the family is that efficient.

But wow … was that ever one relaxed family. One of the brood crying at all times, seemingly taking turns with who would be crying, a dad who wasn’t there, and a mom just floating around, thinking (I can only assume) murderous thoughts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to convince my wife she should be pregnant and/or nursing for the next twelve years.

Brood, here we come!!

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Attn: Ellen (3/14/18)

Front

Ellen342a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen342b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My how daydreams change. When I was in middle school I read RoboTech and fantasy books and pictured myself in their worlds.

Now I see beautiful national parks and think of packing up the car and going camping with my family.

Both are escapes, but my how daydreams change.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Fun with the Fam

This past weekend a cousin of mine (who helped inspire this world famous band) introduced me to a new game: Telephone Pictionary.

The idea is that person 1 writes down a phrase, person 2 looks at the phrase and draws a picture to capture that phrase, person 3 looks at only the picture and writes down what phrase he/she thinks it is supposed to represent (so if you’re perfect at this then person 3’s phrase matches person 1’s phrase) … Like I said, Telephone Pictionary.

Each person has a stack of papers and a pen and you’re off. You could have only one person write phrases/draw at a time but that’s boring.

Here are the results of round 1 of the game. The initial phrase is mine.

swords in a puddle

My other phrases were tougher: “shhh, don’t make this weird” and “history is bunk.”

 

swords in a puddle

Swords in a puddle, the guy added to represent a confused look (my question mark was maybe a little mean) and … see what happens?

 

swords in a puddle

And now death is in the picture.

 

swords in a puddle

This fella on the boat is supposed to be death. TALENT.

 

swords in a puddle

“Death” with his sickle has become a fishing caveman.

 

(Also the above picture really is an unintentionally decent drawing of Captain Caveman.)

 

swords in a puddle

And the final drawing … Which is basically the exact thing anyone would draw when hearing the phrase “swords in a puddle.”

Attn: Ellen (5/21/14)

Front

Ellen171a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen171b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

While some may see this as kitschy romance, I choose to see it as a threat.

‘My dearest,

You neglected to tell me your parents would be visiting while you are on business travel. Hmm.

Love stinks,
The spouse’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Christmas Cookies!

Every year as far back as I can remember my family has decorated sugar cookies during Christmas. It’s a great tradition. Largely because the cookies are delicious, and then they’re coated in frosting (mix powdered sugar and milk until desired consistency achieved, add color) … It’s so simple, and amazing.

One of the “rules” with the cookies is that if you break one while decorating it, it’s just no good to have on display so you have to go ahead and eat it. Oh so many fumbling fingers come Christmas time just can’t help but break a tree-shaped cookie in two.

Here are a few samples from this year’s decorating.

Most of my proud creations

Christmas Cookies

My Niece’s Artwork (in Cookie Form)

Christmas Cookies

My Crowning Achievement (Inception in Cookie Form)

Christmas Cookies

Home, I Miss Ye

Christmas Cookies

Johnny and the Racist Undertones

Hello, Fortune and Fame. That’s right, folks, I’ve found the ticket to fortune and fame. My writing will find its way to the light of day because everyone won’t be able to get enough of one of the many singers in ‘Johnny and the Racist Undetones’ – the nation’s hottest band.

Over Christmas I got together with a few cousins to go to a bar for trivia night. A few brains in the group were missing, but we still managed to tie for last! (Due to the brilliant thinking of my cousin Lockout, who suggested that we not bet all but one of our points on the last round … we bet all but TWO … then everyone gets the final question wrong and we’re sitting pretty with two points and first place, while all those other dopes are tied for last place with one point! Unfortunately another team had the same idea, and everyone else actually answered the final round correctly. Hence, tied for last place with a grand total of two points.)

Anywho …

The cousins who WERE there stumbled on the next big band. That’s right, you’ve already heard of us, Johnny and the Racist Undertones.

You see, we would drink a little bit, then take a long, hard look (about a minute) at the lyrics of a popular song … and then cover this song.

Opening verse? Solid.

Chorus? Belting it out!

Second verse on out … A mix of the actual words plus some improvised mumbling/rhyming words/gibberish.

Unfortunately, none of us are really experts at musical instruments, so we’ll have a whole lot of vocalists. Also, as far as I know, none of us are really all that stellar when it comes to singing.

Lockout’s second brilliant idea was to supply the racist undertones. During songs, he would “sing backup.” His backup would take the form of whispering racist things.

Who could resist the charm of Johnny and the Racist Undertones? I’ll tell you who – no one.

What a Fun Trip!

And then I said “wow what a trip!,” and mom said, “that was a fun trip,” and I thought, “holy cow mom’s on acid!” and she said, “no I’m not on acid I meant the family vacation,” and then she turned into a dragon and ate dad and I thought, “maybe this isn’t a fun trip.”

Uhhh … What?

A guy I work with uses the word “dragon” as a synonym for a problem of any kind.

“Get to work on this and you’ll find some dragons!”
“I bet there’s a whole box of dragons once you get into that.”
etc.

I had a meeting with him and he talked about dragons, and I tried to focus while thinking about my upcoming trip – and voila – that piece of weird up top came out.

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