The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Publication Time

I don’t know what it is, but whenever I see a line like this I feel like the article is given that much more weight and substance.

“Apple did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.”

The fact that you tried to contact Apple makes you a legitamate news source! And they didn’t respond “by publication time.” They could respond at any moment, though! Which makes the news source even more impressive.

“Sorry, I was talking to my mom and Apple called, I let it go to voicemail.”

Thinking about this led me to write this little news blurb.

Scientists Find that Monkeys Actually Made Out of Pancakes

(Cairns, Australia) – In a stunning reversal of the long-held belief that monkeys were made out of bones, muscles, blood, and sass, scientists have just released the news that monkeys are actually made out of pancakes.

Dr. Theodore Etzel (who does not like rhyming jokes about pretzels), was the chief researcher behind the stunning news. Dr. Etzel’s paper was released earlier this morning.

Dr. Etzel did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.*

Dr. Etzel is expected to defend his conclusions at the Science for the Masses Composium, held in Stanley, Australia, annually.


*Possibly because no request was made, and because this is nonsense.


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