The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

The Pirate Queen

What? – Where? – When? – This can’t be good
Why am I floating in the ocean on this driftwood?
Oh right, the pirate attack that could not be withstood …
Optimism at this point would be foolish, feeble, and a falsehood

But wait, I open my eyes and … could this be, utter delight?
A woman is at the edge of the boat and, this can’t be right!
A lovely hand at the end of a slender arm at the end of a beautiful body alight
“I’m the pirate queen, and, I’ll be honest, this is not your lucky night.”

Well, my hopes quickly left when I got a handle on the affair
I was brought aboard the boat and tied to a less than comfortable chair
Coming to terms with my near death is not easy to bear
So, I will distract myself with mindless chatter during this … terrible affair.

“How did you get to be the pirate queen?”
“By being rude, cruel and mercilessly mean.”
“You certainly don’t seem so mean.”
“Oh trust me, I’m meaner than I seem.”

“But just tell me, one thing, one little example.”
“You see that ash tray on the table?”
“So you smoke? For a pirate, that’s pretty dull.”
“That’s the former captain’s emptied skull.”
“…Ah, perhaps I should be taken down to rest in the hull”

Try as a I might
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this plight
But while might may make right
I wouldn’t give up without a continued mental fight

“There must be SOMETHING that can get me out of this pickle!”
“As you might have gleamed, us pirates can be quite fickle.”
“Please, my life is not yet one half of one tenth full!”
“Ok, ok, I have a deal my little talkative handful,

“You can ask me three questions, and if you surprise me, I won’t kill you.”
“That’s a very generous and weird offer, and for that I thank you.”
“Questions, my dear, flattery won’t due.”
“As your captive audience, trust me, flattery I will easily eschew:

“Living on a boat, is your biggest fear somnambulism?”
“Actually, it’s a tie between mutiny and cannibalism.”
“Two questions to go … I still have some optimism.”
“Are you the type to confuse optimism with masochism?

“Give me your next two questions, quit killing time and preparing.”
“If you were a tree, what color underwear do you think I’m wearing?”
“That’s clever – what word means the opposite of alluring?”
If I can’t be clever … I guess I’ll be honest, with a hint of daring

“Is it just me, or is this chair suddenly wet?”
“You … That … Touche, I’ll let you live without regret,
“I’ve captured, and killed, too many to count – that’s the best yet.
“I’ll stay true to my word, I’ll honor my bet …”

…Yes, the pirate queen is rude, cruel and mercilessly mean
But she let me free, FREE!, she’s not some killing machine!
One day, perhaps, she and I will reconvene …
But first, I have to climb out of this deep, deep ravine


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