The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Poem’

The Loneliest Clone

I am a genetic experiment gone awry
But more than that – I think I’m a pretty nice guy

Just take a chance on me
Take a chance, and you’ll see!

If you could look past my rough exterior
To my superior interior

I think it’d be plain to see
I’m someone you’d like at your next party

The scientist admitted he was drunk when he made me
My fourth arm, for example, appears somehow racist and hazy

I’m a great listener despite having only one ear
But, may I just say, I don’t just listen, I hear

Tell me your stories, your jokes, your woes
I’ll be your devoted audience in smell-proof clothes

A good clone is idempotent
I have claws, fangs, fur, and I’m impotent

That said, a party would be better with my wit
On my search for friends, I’ll never quit

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I’m Workin’ Here, I’m Workin’!

Recently at work I was searching through old notebooks for notes I had taken on something a while back. I KNEW I had written notes on how to do this, I just didn’t know which notebook.

Anyhow, while searching I found two things. One, a dramatic poem:

your liquid logic
spreads sugary lies
that I imbibe
and oh I’ll feel sick
but not now
pass me another please

And two, a delightful quote I recorded from a co-worker who approached life with a sort of neutral pessimism. I know you can’t hear my thoughts, but when I read this quote I can hear his Arkansas accent lazily acknowledging each word,

“we’re always screwed, man, that’s our state of being.”

And, I have to brag, I eventually found the notes I was looking for. They were from May 2011.

God Speed Ned Berderdle

Ned Berderdle
Was a tranquil turtle
He lived a bucolic life
Absent of strife
His life changed one morning
Without notice or warning

A young boy named Buck
Was out and about, running amuck
Buck was full of adventure and joy
And saw Ned as his newest toy
“I shall name you Ned Berderdle!”
Buck now had himself a pet turtle

Some grass, sticks, and a glass cage
Look in Ned’s turtle eyes, you’ll see turtle rage
Away from his fields, his creeks, his pasture
Ned had to get out, of this he was sure
Looking around Buck’s room, Ned felt delight
Future friends and allies filled his sight

Wesley Daniel the brittany spaniel
Allister Beal the cockatiel
Vincenzo Stupenzo Wog the frog
And Rod, just plain Rod, the wonder cod

“Gents,” Ned Berderdle said with a  nod
“New guy,” a smirk and a wink from the wonder cod

“You don’t know me, I’m Ned Berderdle.
“I’m a nice guy, a quiet guy, a simple turtle.
“I love the outdoors and living life free
“And what I’d like, no, love, is for you to help me.
“I don’t know yet how I’ll repay all of you
“But I will, if it’s the last thing I do.”
Ned stopped, a light suddenly clicking on
“WE COULD ALL ESCAPE! WE COULD ALL GET GONE!”

Rod, you remember him, the wonder cod?
He did not hesitate, neither hemmed nor hawed,
“But don’t you see, I’m a FISH
“Better here than on someone’s dish.”
While odd, and macabre,
Ned had to admit, he was a shrewd cod
“But,” Rod continued after his pause
“A jailbreak is always a worthwhile cause.”

Necessary Nonsense

Vociferous and ubiquitous unicorns

Undulating unilaterally in my sleep

This leads to head scratching morns

My therapist listens, represses a weep

Shouting shellfish shellac their homes

Nosy neighbors noisily whisper their opinions

Composing not novelettes but hefty tomes

Their judgmental thoughts like unwanted minions

Cornering the market with his heft and desire

The brazen basket case of a boys done it now

He’s lit not a spark but a full fledged fire

While the brown cow looks askance and asks how

The summation of my thoughts involves sigma,

A saucy case of stylish, yet staunch strabismus

And a haughty goodnight to all, I’ll miss ya

Now let me go, please, you and your plus sized fuss

Abraham Lincoln and the Greeting Line

Abraham Lincoln was struggling
He famously could not tell a lie
Under his breath he was muttering
‘Is this person a girl or a guy?’

The president was standing in a line
Shaking hands and greeting everyone
He eyed the person while sipping wine
He fervently wished this event was done

One person left before it was game time
A simple sir or ma’am had gotten complicated
Lincoln thought wouldn’t a trapdoor be sublime?
Turns out interacting with people is over-rated

Lincoln stuck out his hand, his eyes searching
Hoping for the slightest sign of him or her
Finding nothing, the decision looming
He gives a noncommittal “heya, slugger”

The Egregious Eyelash

Oh of all things evil and unholy
Why did this have to happen to me …
Someone wasn’t satisfied with their home
They decided, with mischief, to roam

“Ugh!, why is their an eyelash in my breakfast!”
I stare at my cereal, betrayed, disgruntled at this mess
My body and food have colluded and crossed me
The egregious eyelash, drowning, laughs mockingly

But ah my foes, and oh my friends
That’s not where this story ends
You and I both know there is a worse crime
That makes the eyelash absolute slime

Your eyeball is a sea of calm and tranquility
You look on this beautiful world lovingly
And then MY GOD – WHAT – ACK – you internally yelp
You begin some facial acrobatics (like that’ll help)

One eye closed you make for the bathroom mirror
You look and the culprit couldn’t be clearer
Oh, of course!, it’s you!, you delinquent, hateful thing!
You decide it feels best if you stand there squinting

You gently pull your eyelid down – doesn’t work
You look left, down, right – you’re going berserk
You yawn to force tears, maybe you’ll send the problem flying
Instead you’re alone in the bathroom, awkwardly crying

Eventually the fiend leaves and your life can resume
Your outlook changes, gone is any hint of gloom
From such agony to sweet relief so quickly
I hate you eyelash, but I’ll admit, your departure was lovely

Eyelashes, you serve a purpose, or so I’ve been told
But frankly I am finding your antics a little old
You are abominable and I wish we were through
But I’ll admit, I’d look kind of weird without you

The Pirate Queen

What? – Where? – When? – This can’t be good
Why am I floating in the ocean on this driftwood?
Oh right, the pirate attack that could not be withstood …
Optimism at this point would be foolish, feeble, and a falsehood

But wait, I open my eyes and … could this be, utter delight?
A woman is at the edge of the boat and, this can’t be right!
A lovely hand at the end of a slender arm at the end of a beautiful body alight
“I’m the pirate queen, and, I’ll be honest, this is not your lucky night.”

Well, my hopes quickly left when I got a handle on the affair
I was brought aboard the boat and tied to a less than comfortable chair
Coming to terms with my near death is not easy to bear
So, I will distract myself with mindless chatter during this … terrible affair.

“How did you get to be the pirate queen?”
“By being rude, cruel and mercilessly mean.”
“You certainly don’t seem so mean.”
“Oh trust me, I’m meaner than I seem.”

“But just tell me, one thing, one little example.”
“You see that ash tray on the table?”
“So you smoke? For a pirate, that’s pretty dull.”
“That’s the former captain’s emptied skull.”
“…Ah, perhaps I should be taken down to rest in the hull”

Try as a I might
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this plight
But while might may make right
I wouldn’t give up without a continued mental fight

“There must be SOMETHING that can get me out of this pickle!”
“As you might have gleamed, us pirates can be quite fickle.”
“Please, my life is not yet one half of one tenth full!”
“Ok, ok, I have a deal my little talkative handful,

“You can ask me three questions, and if you surprise me, I won’t kill you.”
“That’s a very generous and weird offer, and for that I thank you.”
“Questions, my dear, flattery won’t due.”
“As your captive audience, trust me, flattery I will easily eschew:

“Living on a boat, is your biggest fear somnambulism?”
“Actually, it’s a tie between mutiny and cannibalism.”
“Two questions to go … I still have some optimism.”
“Are you the type to confuse optimism with masochism?

“Give me your next two questions, quit killing time and preparing.”
“If you were a tree, what color underwear do you think I’m wearing?”
“That’s clever – what word means the opposite of alluring?”
If I can’t be clever … I guess I’ll be honest, with a hint of daring

“Is it just me, or is this chair suddenly wet?”
“You … That … Touche, I’ll let you live without regret,
“I’ve captured, and killed, too many to count – that’s the best yet.
“I’ll stay true to my word, I’ll honor my bet …”

…Yes, the pirate queen is rude, cruel and mercilessly mean
But she let me free, FREE!, she’s not some killing machine!
One day, perhaps, she and I will reconvene …
But first, I have to climb out of this deep, deep ravine

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