The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘silly’

December 2018 Haiku

December 1 (Saturday)
Kid’s newest hobby
Loves putting hats on himself
Kids, huh? They’re weirdos

December 2 (Sunday)
Molar coming in
Brings excitement for parents
And pain for kiddo

December 3 (Monday)
Customer problem
It’s not COMPLETELY my fault
(But partly is … Frack)

December 4 (Tuesday)
Lights on tree in yard
This Charlie Brown nonsense is
Delightfully bad

December 5 (Wednesday)
My wife, who’s not old
(Odd statement, but key for this)
Tore disk in her neck!

December 6 (Thursday)
Tried patent at work
Turns out idea’s “obvious”
Your mom’s obvious!!!

December 7 (Friday)
Customer issues
Before leaving work found out
New one is my fault

December 8 (Saturday)
Want to go swimming
But I can’t breathe through my nose
Hmm … Could make it tough …

December 9 (Sunday)
Keep thinking of work
I HATE work thoughts on weekends
This is MY time, brain!

December 10 (Monday)
Jumping into bug
Can’t recreate the dang thing
It’s guess and check time!

December 11 (Tuesday)
Wife, kid, me … All sick
How fit are we, you may ask?
We’re … Coughing fit! (Oof.)

December 12 (Wednesday)
Christmas movie time
It’s the worst when a flick’s bad
Be good, or garbage

December 13 (Thursday)
New code version bad?
If so, could be my fault
This week’s just awful

December 14 (Friday)
Setting new records
For toilet paper used up
(Stupid runny nose)

December 15 (Saturday)
Kid goes down for nap
And you know what, so does dad
Life’s little pleasures

December 16 (Sunday)
Gift exchange with wife
Based on gifts (which I’m jazzed for)
I’m mentally twelve

December 17 (Monday)
Ok work, be kind
Customers, please don’t have things –
Aw frick, new issue

December 18 (Tuesday)
Work’s year end review
Boss keeps postponing the talk
Sure is good for stress …

December 19 (Wednesday)
Side project at work
I’ll be doing hardware stuff?
Chance to feel real … Dumb

December 20 (Thursday)
Team/Customer call
And the team fixed the issue!
Boss (and me) relieved

December 21 (Friday)
Our team still working
While others happily chat
About vacation

December 22 (Saturday)
Flying to ‘Zona
Dad vs son nap battle …
Smooth flight, here we come?

December 23 (Sunday)
Fam Christmas party
Roughly forty of us now
Sadly, just quick hi’s

December 24 (Monday)
Santa Claus is here!!
The kids go crazy for him
(Except those crying)

December 25 (Tuesday)
Watching my nephew
React to his biggest gift
Christmas is too fun

December 26 (Wednesday)
Kid wakes, won’t be calmed
Leave sister’s house, drive to folks …
This … At two am

December 27 (Thursday)
A day of cat naps
And low key activity
(And nasty cough fits)

December 28 (Friday)
Aquarium trip
Kid LOVED it – squawked at ALL fish
(They didn’t squawk back)

December 29 (Saturday)
The little waver
Charms travelers with grins, waves
I love watching it

December 30 (Sunday)
Star Wars and coffee
While the kid scores a big nap
Life is good my friends

December 31 (Monday)
It’s new years eve, all!
Maybe I’ll stay up til 10!
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, REAL NUTS!

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15th month, or How I Learned to Self-Pep-Talk Like a Pro

It’s a few days past 15 months and I am feeling a little bummed. I had a poor end of my work day. (Turns out I caused a bug in some code – NUTS, that really bothers me; and I recently took some steps to file for a patent and I got responses from committee members who review that and they all stated things like ‘how is this novel?’ And I want to respond saying YOU’RE NOT NOVEL! Your whole family’s not novel! But … they’re right, it’s not.)

Here’s the thing about the kiddo. He can really take your mind off things. For example, I got home and ran a few errands and was distracted with entertaining him. And then, I read to him and put him down to bed (my wife is off getting us dinner so we can eat our feelings). And it’s so nice to just hold his tiny hands and look at his tiny, crazy, adorable face.

Speaking of his crazy face, he is really into perspective shifts these days. That sounds highfalutin and fancy but all this means is he tilts his head to the side and finds this very amusing. He also shakes his head no at a very fast rate, probably mimicking the high of getting dizzy. Like a low-grade dizzy buzz. Recently I have taken to putting things on his head, trying to balance them just so. He’ll set still for a moment, then SMACK it off with a vengeance. I started putting things on my head and he would pull himself up, knock the item off my head, then tilt his head sideways while standing right in front of me. Face about 2 inches from mine, but sideways. This gives him such a big, goofy grin it’s unbearably delightful.

***

Ok now we’re about halfway through month 15 and I clearly should’ve kept writing when I sat down before. I got distracted by dinner on that night and then I never got back to this. And hey, guess what, the patent is now officially dead and there’s talk of us considering our latest release not good (as in advise customers not to use it) so things in my work world are coming up Milhouse. What do we do, gang? We distract!

The kiddo has not just been into nodding his head no aggressively, he is also nodding yes now! This is definitely new this month and a lot of fun. He is so deliberate with his movements when he nods yes it is very fun to see. And my wife and I debated for a while if he knew what he was doing when nodding yes … Because he would seem to nod yes at just about any question asked of him. But it has been quite handy with food (and adorable) because we’ll say, ‘more raspberries?’ … Well, that’s a bad example. The answer there is almost ALWAYS yes. But this morning he actually nodded no pretty quickly into a few raspberries which shocked me. The yes is still slow, and thoughtful, but it is coming along nicely and really helps a ton with communication.

Speaking of communication, the kiddo’s vocabulary is flourishing! My wife and I like to reassure ourselves by saying he is just so focused on language he doesn’t have time for physical stuff (more on that later). We have a very poor attempt at a running list of words that are maybe, possibly, sorta, but probably not, in the order the words arrived and so far that list is …

Dog, dad, mom, ball, bye, book, car, banana, airplane, high five, outside (?), bird, cracker, bowl, uh oh, water (agua)

I have 0% confidence that this list is right. But there it is, in all its incorrect glory. It is also a pretty odd list.

Bird is trying its best but failing to compete with airplane. When we first got him saying bird anything above him temporarily shifted to bird (for maybe a day) but now things are back to airplane. The kid is also, I think, catching on to adoration and he knows we get a kick out of ‘airplane’ so that has probably led to more than a few street lights, fans, and you name it being called out as ‘airplane.’

High five I talked about last month, which was a bit of a shocker and a lot of fun. One funny thing there is that a neighbor kid is a 14 year old boy who would without fail see our son, come up and say hi to us and then to the kiddo, ‘high five?’ This starting when our son was all of about 2 months. We’d explain, ‘he can’t even control his neck so uh … a high five is a tall order.’ And what do you know, now that he can actually high five, the neighbor kid hasn’t been seen in a while (less hanging out in the front yard for all of us now that it’s cold out).

A favorite new language is ‘uh oh.’ This has been accompanied with many, many, many deliberate drops of things. He will grab some food, reach his arm out, drop it, and then look over his chair at the kitchen floor to see where his food has landed. This is admittedly a much more fun game for him when the dog is underfoot, and for her sake and ours we have taken to putting her up. Uh oh has not yet lost its shine for any of us, and I am still willing to squat the day away picking up that just dropped (uh oh) item to retrieve it and do it all over again.

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The zebra walker, our on-again-off-again friend.

Ok ok, last language thing. I mean that’s all we’ve got right? (Foreshadowing!) The kiddo also seems to be doing more of … I don’t know. Maybe an impression of English? It’s like when you know a tiny, tiny bit of Spanish and you think ok sure I’ll just say a bunch of noises that sound sorta Spanish-ish … He does that occasionally? Good luck even trying to understand what I’m going for here, future self.

***

Now I’ll explain my vague statements. We had his fifteenth month doctor visit where we learned a few shocking things. One, he is still tiny when it comes to length. This doesn’t really matter but everything makes you worry. I have this sort of internal tango where I think logically, each kid goes at their own pace and blah blah blah but then I counter it with, but what if I’m doing something wrong or what if something is actually wrong? And you know, when it’s some conjectured hypothetical like that it’s hard to respond rationally. So the internal tango rages on and I suspect I’ll just grow more and more practiced at this dance rather than ever getting to leave the dance floor. PARENTHOOD.

Anywho. He’s tiny. You also fill out these questionnaire’s at these doc visits where they ask strange questions like, ‘can he take a cheerio and pretend it’s more than just a cheerio?’ (Not a real question.) And you think … well I don’t know … I don’t think we’ve ever tried that? After you answer all the questions they look and say, you’re in the white zone, grey zone, or black zone (talk about a racist form) and you want to be white. For language he was good, but for gross and fine motor both he was in the black! Fine totally surprised us because we think he is doing great! But gross was no shock since he’s still not walking. The doc suggested we talk to early intervention about his not walking and we said yes, anything and everything to help.

It was a harsh visit because we both thought the kiddo was bigger and doing so well, and then to have our doc say, ‘doing so well, huh? Hmm’ really threw both my wife and I. You just start questioning if you could or should be doing any number of things differently. Before the appointment I could’ve named any of a number of things where I felt like my son was excelling, after all I saw was what he wasn’t yet doing that others were. It was certainly a day of reminding myself that my son is who he is, he is bathed daily in the intense love my wife and I have for him, and we are doing are very best to create the best life we can for him.

Ok. Enough of that, eh? See, that’s another thing, you get into these little self pep-talks, too. Love, eh? What nonsense it generates.

This month he DID take a renewed interest in his zebra walker which has been good to see. (Oh and P.S. the early intervention people said don’t worry … he’s a premie and we don’t worry about not walking till 18 months anyway so take that, doc.)

(Oh and P.P.S. I actually really like our doc.)

Ok now for a the last few things, I promise.

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Say friend, you look like a savvy shopper!

One of the most fun things the kiddo is into now is hats. He LOVES putting on hats. You hand him a beanie, a ball cap, whatever? He’s going to put it on. And pretty darn well actually (take that, fine motor skills). I have had him put on his winter cap a number of times and just adjust it barely for it to be on right. He also has a sort of fedora type hat that makes him look like an old time salesman when he wears it. I like to talk about the miracle elixir he’s hawking that makes you poop diapers and pee out baby wipes. It’s a good thing we don’t have Alexa because God knows what Amazon would have to take away from its spying on us.

He has also figured out his nose! ‘Where’s your nose?’ is now answered with a point, a smash of the nose, and the phrase, ‘nose, nose, nose’ (said nasally because of him pushing on his nose). We’ve even got ‘where’s dada’s nose?’ and some aggressive nose smashing too. It’s fun (is it?) for everyone.

My wife and I have made a habit of pointing at characters in books when we read to him. That’s the Little Blue Truck! That’s a horse! That’s a cow! You get the drill. Now he will occasionally point too … quite aggressively, and 40% of the time at something that makes sense. That’s the Pout Pout fish, yes right there! Exactly! Wow so smart! (And as you’re saying so smart he begins smashing his tiny little pointer finger into some other random part of the page and you think, well … partial credit?)

I think my son was playing with my wife one day when I got the idea to tickle his back to see if he’d react. Not a proper tickle, but one of those lightly trace your fingers to give you the heebie jeebies. It worked perfectly. He sat up straight, got a goofy look on his face, and shivered. I don’t know if he enjoys it or not, but boy is it ever adorable. (Sorry, dear son.)

Ok last one!

We took the kiddo for his third haircut this month. First haircut all three of us went and he seemed unfazed. Great. Second time it was just he and my wife and he was NOT happy the whole time, so my wife strongly suggested I go. The tears hit pretty quickly into the haircut so out come our pacifier and I reached under his little haircut apron and held his hand. He responded by grabbing onto my pointer finger and holding that for the duration of the haircut. I had to dance around the girl cutting his hair a tiny bit, but it was just about one of my favorite and most adorable things to have happen in my life.

Kid, I’ll hold your hand anytime.

Rambly dad, OUT!

Great Sexpectations

The only catchy thing about this post is the title. Here is my alternate title: Laundry, Gender-Based Household Chore Expectations, and Other Such Trifling Concerns.

A while ago I read a blog post (I can’t find it or I’d link to it) where a woman talked about her husband would do things to ‘help around the house’ and then she was frustrated with herself for feeling like he was ‘helping around the house’ while when she did the same things she was just doing what needed to be done.

Did that run-on sentence thoroughly obfuscate my point?

Let’s try again. When a fella does laundry, wow, what a good husband helping with the laundry. When a woman does laundry, well, yeah, she did laundry, what else is new?

 

 

See the double standard?

I’m reminded of this every time I go out with the kiddo (don’t get me wrong, I love the awww cute baby! comments). But I feel like I might garner more than my wife because you know, low dad expectations).

And I definitely am a culprit and guilty of applauding myself when I shouldn’t be applauded. Today my wife felt incredibly ill in the morning, I woke up with the kiddo at 5:30 am (hello, pre-dawn day, great to see you again) and then I unloaded the dishwasher and did loads of laundry. I didn’t think anything of doing these things because of … bum, budda bummmmm! … chastising myself internally! Hooray! Before reading that post I would ‘help’ around the house by doing laundry and think, ‘man what a stellar husband I am.’ Post-blog-post I would think, ‘why am I applauding myself for helping to care for my wife and I’s home? Do I say, “hey self, top notch job of feeding yourself!” No, because I know there are certain things you just take care of.’

Fellas, ladies, don’t fall victim of silly sexpectations. (Get it!? Like sex as in gender and … ahhh man, I’m too clever.) Fellas, the only thing you don’t have is the built-in potential food source, so get cracking you lazy bums.

(But, I’ll be honest, it’s awesome my wife breastfeeds for a lot of reasons … these days reason number 1 is I get more sleep. Also, you know, benefits for the child and all that.)

The Kiddo’s Music-Themed Animals

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Mountain Goatye

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Alambis Morissette

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Owl Green

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Harry Elafonte

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Moose Springsteen

 

Thankfully there are also a lot of Barry singers, because we have quite a few bears. Chuck Beary, Beary Manilow … other ones that of course I’m drawing a blank on right now.

March 2018 Haiku

March 1 (Thursday)
Hour long car ride
Nice to wander aimlessly
While the kiddo naps

March 2 (Friday)
Questions seem simple
Until you work with someone
Who is bad at them

March 3 (Saturday)
“Put on whatever”
I pick a fantastic film
“Action movie?!?” (….Duh.)

March 4 (Sunday)
I remember when
Sundays didn’t make me think
Of politicians

March 5 (Monday)
Skipping work out class
To keep working on my code
Yeah, it’s clear I’m cool

March 6 (Tuesday)
Costco with the kid
Tons to look at, lunch to go
For dad’s long nap drive

March 7 (Wednesday)
Rushed to finish code
Then it didn’t make the build
Great googly moogly

March 8 (Thursday)
Trip to library
Lady: “what a cute baby!”
‘scuse, you meant cutest

March 9 (Friday)
Wife got promoted!
Calls for flowers and ice cream!
(Ice cream’s always key)

March 10 (Saturday)
Early morning jog
I feel like I’m the Tin Man
Without his oil

March 11 (Sunday)
Daylight savings time
First time ever I’m for it
Kid now wakes at 6!

March 12 (Monday)
Last bit of wife’s jog
Head outside with the kiddo
Workout ends with grins

March 13 (Tuesday)
Came up with insult
Tell someone they’re a Tuesday
Means nothing, sounds harsh

March 14 (Wednesday)
Bunch of colleagues canned
Go from sad to my old pal …
Hi gallows humor

March 15 (Thursday)
It’s March Madness time
Which sounds like 20s slang for
Aunt Flo visiting

March 16 (Friday)
Is it just me, or
You, too, call guys named Gary
Gare-Bear? (Not out loud)

March 17 (Saturday)
Wild St. Pat’s day
Bought some clothes that were on sale
… And … That’s about it

March 18 (Sunday)
Vacuuming barefoot
One of life’s simple pleasures
Warn, clean (ish) carpet

March 19 (Monday)
No matter the guest
Arrive, greet the cute baby,
Then, to me, ‘oh, hey’

March 20 (Tuesday)
My mom is in town
To watch the kid, and bring gifts
And I got one, too!

March 21 (Wednesday)
Cheated sleep system
Kid woke at 5, rocked to sleep
Cute, snuggly cheating

March 22 (Thursday)
Coworker comes in
Someone discussing her code
Defense mode – ENGAGE!

March 23 (Friday)
My mom left today
She came, saw, and babysat
Then on to next gig

March 24 (Saturday)
The boy found his feet
Both limber, and frustrated
Review’s in: Tastes gross

March 25 (Sunday)
Kids first tooth coming!
An excited mom declares
Let pokes, prods increase

March 26 (Monday)
Wife’s mom is in town
Is my son also a sun?
With doting planets?

March 27 (Tuesday)
Opting out today
Asked for no updates on kid
Prepping for daycare

March 28 (Wednesday)
Reading Handmaid’s Tale
Nothing better than feeling
Depressed before bed

March 29 (Thursday)
Grandpa flying in
Grandparent’s ‘who gets more laughs’
Competition starts

March 30 (Friday)
Got a new backpack
Bulky and insane looking …
But I’m pumped for hikes!

March 31 (Saturday)
Bye to grandparents
Back to a quiet household
(Well, plus squawking kid)

 

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Hello awkward ride. Hopefully this weekend I’ll take it for a real test drive.

Noon Year’s Eve Party

Dear fellow new parents and otherwise sleepy individuals,

How are you? Are you excited about New Year’s Eve? Kind of an ‘eh’? Hey, me too! And guess what, I’ve got a party for you!

That’s right, it’s Noon Year’s Eve! We’ll have brunch (eggs, bacon, another helping of bacon, biscuits, hash browns, and tortillas in case a fork isn’t your thing and you want to eat your food in an edible carrying case) and then count down to 12!

Twelve noon.

When noon hits, we’ll continue to sip coffee and talk and sit around. It’s only noon, you seriously already need to go to bed? We’re a judgement free zone, so, sure, go ahead. There’s a bunch of blankets in the corner, we call it ‘blanket corner.’ Head over there and knock out. It’s fine. But I hope you can sleep over the uproarious sound of forks on plates (cinnamon roles for dessert, anyone?) and spoons stirring their coffee.

Join us, sleepyheads, and we’ll rock in Noon Year’s Eve, because midnight is too damn late.

Baby Board

Jim Francis was furious, the numbers that Dave Standton had reported looked bad. Very bad. The board’s care team was glancing amongst themselves, looking nervous. This was going to be a long meeting.

Thus far, the board meeting had proceeded without much chaos, but the horizon looked worrisome.

Standing up next to report on new products for the coming quarter, to hopefully reverse the tragedy that is the projected numbers for this quarter, was Jill Hargrove. Jill looked around the room, eyes unable to focus on anything, one eye going over there, now making direct eye contact, then quickly darting to stare at the lights in the room … a slight smile appeared on Jill’s face before disappearing and she began.

It was bad. There were no noteworthy new products, like Apple, the company was in a rut of marketing new versions of the same thing. But, unlike Apple, their customers tended to notice and be angry.

Jim’s forehead crinkled, his eyes narrowed, and then, there it was, his mouth opened wide and a loud, heart-wrenching scream pierced the room. A care team member jumped up and tried to get a pacifier into Jim’s mouth but he was too late, he was deep in the throws of his crying. Two other care team members came and, together, the three of them picked up Jim and rocked him until he calmed enough to get the pacifier. Calmed, he was put back into his leather office chair, and with the room quieted Jill continued while Jim sucked angrily on his pacifier, his eyes seemed shooting fire around the room.

This was no ordinary board of directors. Each of the directors, while intelligent, capable, and fully grown, also had the peculiar habit of acting like a newborn.

With one crisis down, another began, as Jill stopped speaking and began shaking her head vigorously side-to-side, mouth opening and closing as her arms began to flail about. Her thrashing was erratic, terrifying, and building momentum. Thankfully, one of her arms accidentally smacked into her head and she plopped back down into her chair while sucking on her knuckles. The care team was one step ahead this time, and they deftly plopped a bottle into Jill’s mouth while gently sliding her knuckles out of the way.

The meeting was, as far as these go, pretty productive. They had lasted seventeen minutes.

The care team moved Jim and Jill out of the room, wheeling them back to their offices. Dave stayed behind, he had fallen asleep. There was another meeting starting soon, but who could possibly wake him up to make that next meeting?, he looked so adorable.

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