The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

In the video game FIFA 14 you can choose to create a player and play through the career of that one person. This can lead to upgrading your rating as you get accomplishments, and playing for different teams if you prove yourself ready to play at higher or lower levels.

In other words, the game is tracking your stats to decide how to rank you and move you. Pretty neat.

What would not be neat is if the game got really good at this.

When playing the game I take turns between two skill levels: one offers a challenge where I have to play intelligently, my team could win or lose, and I will score a goal if I’m lucky/play really well. Also my rating (you are rated each match) is so-so. To offset this and advance my player I also play at an easier level in order to get more accomplishments, advancing my player faster and also, obviously, it’s just fun to score. In those matches I’m rated very highly.

Here’s what a write-up of my player might look like if the game got to the point where it had built in the ability to track trends in your play. (FYI: my character’s nickname is Slinky because it’s an old soccer nickname of mine.)

“Slinky is a decent player. He ranges from slightly below average to amazing, seemingly game to game.

“Some days he arrives and the game starts with him calling for the ball and he persists in calling for the ball without once distributing it, seemingly, until he has a hat trick. It is some of the most selfish play one could ever witness, and yet it works. Disturbingly, even after scoring multiple goals he seems to avoid passing to a specific teammate (it should be noted that this player is second on the team stat sheet for goals scored, first in assists). On some of these games he will take shot after shot that is nearly impossible – with his weak foot, from outside the box. It makes no sense.

“I would kick him off the team except he really can score at will. With enough time and chances he WILL score multiple goals, embarrassing the opponent. It is almost as if everyone around him is an amateur compared to his professional status.

“Then, on the ‘off’ days, Slinky is a good teammate, making runs, distributing the ball, coming back to help on defense. He does everything he should … But honestly, I’d prefer the selfish a-hole version who scores 4 times per game.

“It should be noted several teammates, independent of each other, have made attempts on his life.

“I think he deserves a raise.”

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