The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Donald Trump is in Scotland today.

17 minutes ago – I’m here live at the White House awaiting word from President Barack Obama on the kidnapping that occurred just an hour ago. Donald Trump, visiting Scotland to open a golf course, was kidnapped by a group of Scottish men.

The Scottish men, wearing kilts, blue war paint, shouting freedom and anti-Semitic sentiments, in an apparent homage to both Mel Gibson and his depiction of William Wallace in Braveheart, have taken Donald Trump to an unknown location. No demands have yet to be issued.

14 minutes ago – Barack Obama is now entering the briefing room, and he has turned around.

13 minutes ago – And now he is back in the room. He is facing the doorway where I have seen from other reports on the other side of the room that apparently Michelle Obama is standing there shaking her head, mouthing, “sorry, honey, but you have to.” Barack Obama is staring at Michelle sullenly, and now he is sticking both of his hands in his pockets and rolling his eyes so far into his head he appears almost zombie-like. The President is now walking toward the podium, with steps that cannot be longer than 6 inches each.

11 minutes ago – President Barack Obama has almost reached the podium. He has turned around to glare at Michelle three times.

10 minutes ago – President Barack Obama is standing at the podium. He has shaken his head four, now five, now six, times, he is continuing to shake his head.

9 minutes ago – The President has cleared his throat, which is the second indication that he will be speaking today. The first is that he is standing at the podium. All other body language indicates otherwise.

6 minutes ago – The President quickly related the facts of Donald Trump’s kidnapping while looking straight down at a piece of paper on the podium, his hands beating nonsensical beats while he relates these facts. At certain words, such as “presidential nominee” Barack Obama would inhale deeply and then exhale loudly.

4 minutes ago – “Um,” the President has just eloquently stated, “we uh …” another deep inhale and long, loud exhale of breath. And now an almost bitter, pained laugh. A tear may have fallen on the podium, it’s too soon for this reporter to tell.

3 minutes ago – “Like I was saying,” the President strings together a few words for the first time in minutes, “we are … supposed to,” a quick look at Michelle and now the President takes another deep breath, when he looks to the audience he is shaking his head, his mouth set, “the United States demands the release of Donald” the President has just vomited! UPDATE: The President, in attempting to ask for the release of Donald Trump, has vomited! It appears he had eggs for breakfast!

1 minute ago – An aide attempted to rush out to help the President but Michelle blocked the aid and could be heard clearly saying, “just say it, you don’t have to mean it.” At that the President quickly finished his statement, calling for the release of Donald Trump, and then he left the room.

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Here is the President, attempting to call for the return of Donald Trump to the United States.

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