The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Donald Trump Taken, Barack Obama to Respond

Donald Trump is in Scotland today.

17 minutes ago – I’m here live at the White House awaiting word from President Barack Obama on the kidnapping that occurred just an hour ago. Donald Trump, visiting Scotland to open a golf course, was kidnapped by a group of Scottish men.

The Scottish men, wearing kilts, blue war paint, shouting freedom and anti-Semitic sentiments, in an apparent homage to both Mel Gibson and his depiction of William Wallace in Braveheart, have taken Donald Trump to an unknown location. No demands have yet to be issued.

14 minutes ago – Barack Obama is now entering the briefing room, and he has turned around.

13 minutes ago – And now he is back in the room. He is facing the doorway where I have seen from other reports on the other side of the room that apparently Michelle Obama is standing there shaking her head, mouthing, “sorry, honey, but you have to.” Barack Obama is staring at Michelle sullenly, and now he is sticking both of his hands in his pockets and rolling his eyes so far into his head he appears almost zombie-like. The President is now walking toward the podium, with steps that cannot be longer than 6 inches each.

11 minutes ago – President Barack Obama has almost reached the podium. He has turned around to glare at Michelle three times.

10 minutes ago – President Barack Obama is standing at the podium. He has shaken his head four, now five, now six, times, he is continuing to shake his head.

9 minutes ago – The President has cleared his throat, which is the second indication that he will be speaking today. The first is that he is standing at the podium. All other body language indicates otherwise.

6 minutes ago – The President quickly related the facts of Donald Trump’s kidnapping while looking straight down at a piece of paper on the podium, his hands beating nonsensical beats while he relates these facts. At certain words, such as “presidential nominee” Barack Obama would inhale deeply and then exhale loudly.

4 minutes ago – “Um,” the President has just eloquently stated, “we uh …” another deep inhale and long, loud exhale of breath. And now an almost bitter, pained laugh. A tear may have fallen on the podium, it’s too soon for this reporter to tell.

3 minutes ago – “Like I was saying,” the President strings together a few words for the first time in minutes, “we are … supposed to,” a quick look at Michelle and now the President takes another deep breath, when he looks to the audience he is shaking his head, his mouth set, “the United States demands the release of Donald” the President has just vomited! UPDATE: The President, in attempting to ask for the release of Donald Trump, has vomited! It appears he had eggs for breakfast!

1 minute ago – An aide attempted to rush out to help the President but Michelle blocked the aid and could be heard clearly saying, “just say it, you don’t have to mean it.” At that the President quickly finished his statement, calling for the release of Donald Trump, and then he left the room.


Here is the President, attempting to call for the return of Donald Trump to the United States.

Attn: Ellen (6/1/11)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Today I watched “The Princess and the Frog.” It was good! I hadn’t expected to like it that much. But … now I really want some good gumbo.

Not only did this movie inspire thoughts of gumbo, it also inspired this joke:

A black Disney princess?! What’s next, a black president!?!

Har. Har.


Exchanges with Recently Awoken Coma-Patients through U.S. History

December, 1620

“Wow you have such beautiful cheek bones!”
“Thank you … I feel so groggy … Was I out long? Where am I?”
“You’re in your … My … Yes, my yard.”
“Oh, it’s very nice. It reminds me of my home.”
“You don’t say.”

July, 1693

“Well, in my professional opinion, witches aren’t real.”
“Whaaaat!? But all those teenage girls in Salem kept figuring out who the witches were!, and it was crazy too because ALL of the witches were people the teenage girls didn’t like!”
“Yeah … I’ll be back later … You just think about that.”

August, 1776

“What do you plan to do now that you’re back in good health?”
“Head back to jolly old England! My beloved home!”

April, 1836

“What was I saying?”
“You were trying to remember something …”
“Right, well I was trying to remember the Alamo …”
“Excuse me, sorry to cut you off but I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to wear a very ugly hat with some sort of faux-animal thing going on.”
“Would there be a tail attached to this ugly hat?”

May, 1865

“How do you feel?”
“Ummm … What state am I in?”
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason … Do you prefer the color grey … or the color blue?”
“No! We’re past that! The U.S. is united again!”
“Ah. So you’re an optimist?”

November, 1929

“You were in a coma for a loooong time!”
“Well, glad to be back.”
“Yeah … You won’t be glad soon.”
“Nothing. Can I borrow some money?”
“Sure! Easy-come, easy-go, baby!”

December, 1963

“The president’s been killed!”
“Dear God!”
“And you’ve been drafted!”
“Say what now?”

September, 1973

“Willie Mays hit another home run!”
“Wow! What a record he must have! I bet no one will ever break that!”
“I know it! And if anyone does, I bet that person is bad in the sack and also grumpy.”

January, 2000

“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year!? So it’s Y2K? Did it … Did our fears come true?”
“Are you one of those types that say ‘last people on Earth – oh no! Well, might as well have sex …?’
“We’re both men.”
“So is that yes or no?”

November, 2008

“OJ did it!”
“That murder trial’s been going on this long?”

February, 2009

“We’ve got a black president!”
“Black president of what?”
“The U.S.!”
“The U.S. of what?”
“The United States of America!”
“This does not surprise me in the least. Not one bit.”

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