The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Donald Trump’

Gleaming New Roads, Bridges, Etc.

Together, we can reclaim our building heritage. We will build gleaming new roads, bridges, highways, railways, and waterways across our land. And we will do it with American heart, American hands, and American grit. – DJT, SOTU

In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history. – DJT, SOTU

DumbFunnery had the amazing opportunity to visit one of President Donald Josephine Trump’s new roads that is connected to one of his new bridges that he talked about at his State of the Union address.


Possible inspiration.

The road is certainly gleaming. Never before have I seen a road that was constructed with 1% glitter. It is, in fact, dangerous. I met with an optometrist who lives near the area and wrote countless letters objecting to a literal gleaming road, but her letters went unheard. Her local representative, a republican, said that progress won’t be slowed, and then the local republican quoted President Trump, “America is a nation of builders. We built the Empire State Building in just 1 year — is it not a disgrace that it can now take 10 years just to get a permit approved for a simple road?”

To that end, I guess, they took it as a challenge to do as little as possible in the way of feasibility studies or ensuring that the road was placed in a spot that made sense (it doesn’t), that it is sound (it isn’t) and that it doesn’t literally cause blinding because of the ‘gleaming’ aspect. Donald Jacqueline Trump may love things to have a gilded appearance, but sometimes that is a horrible, horrible idea.

Ah look, another officer has arrived at the scene to provide traffic control assistance after someone accidentally drove off the gleaming bridge as the sun began to rise. The officer is wearing one of those ‘just got my eyes dilated’ pairs of sunglasses provided by the kind optometrist.

Thankfully, because this project seemed to embrace progress over logic, the bridge is not actually over a body of water, so the driver will be just fine. Though his car will likely be dirty.

I’m getting a closer look at the road and the construction company, ICE Construction, actually used literal hands and … oh God tell me that’s not a heart. I was told by an official spokesperson from ICE that

Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.


Upcoming Headlines

Donald Trump Sexually Assaults Mailbox, Republicans Rally Behind Him
Lindsay Graham (R-SC), “The president is able to think outside the box, which is why I respect him as a leader.”


Chuck Schumer, After Making a Big Deal Out of Not Getting the Coffee He Ordered … Drinks This Random Coffee He was Handed
Nancy Pelosi, seen nearby smiling her particular smile, had no comment.


Bernie Sanders (D-VT) thinking about education reform.


Donald Trump Begins Wearing Bib 24/7
Paul Ryan (R-WI), “If the president is too busy thinking about solutions to our nation’s problems, and as a result he sometimes forgets to swallow food or he drools a little, I applaud him for that.”


Bernie Sanders Revealed to be a Muppet
When informed, Cory Booker (D-NJ) shrugged.


Donald Trump at the State of the Union Declares Love of Both Goo Goo, and Gah Gah
Republicans stand and applaud at Goo Goo, Democrats and Republicans stand for Gah Gah. Rand Paul (R-KY) stays seated for both.

Attn: Ellen (12/27/17)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s the conundrum. I would say Merry Christmas to you, but … Donald Trump. He’s got his whole ‘Christmas is under attack’ thing going and I detest that man. Plus, I have a natural ‘you don’t tell me what to do!’ side to me.

All that to say … Happy Christmas! (I went British. Take that.)

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Doctor Trump

If you were hoping to read about my baby, nah … it’s just me bashing Trump. I wrote this right after Charlottesville and DJ’s response. See if you can catch my oh so subtle opinion on the matter.

I’m sitting on the butcher paper, nervously rubbing my knee while checking my phone every 40 seconds or so. The doctor should be in any minute now to tell me the results of all the tests that have just been run.

The door opens and he glides in, holding himself to his full height and bearing a look on his face that says ‘I know something you don’t knoooooow.’

I search the doctor’s eyes and he looks down at me, beginning a series of remarks about what a great doctor he is, and how so many other doctors aren’t great, and also about how a lot of doctors think they’re good at tennis but really they’re not that good at tennis. ‘Believe me,’ he says, ‘I belong to a tennis club. These guys. They’re no tennis.’

‘Doc, please!’ I exclaim against my desire to be patient and cordial, ‘what do I have? Is it bad?’

He smirks, then raises his eyebrows, then lifts his chin so he undoubtedly sees more of his nose than he sees my face, and he says, ‘Look, I’m not going to lie, it’s bad. You’ve got on the one side, maybe cancer, and on the other side, maybe a bad headache. They’re just words. Whatever it is, they’re bad.’

My jaw drops. ‘Doc … I … There’s a HUGE difference between cancer and a big headache … Which … What do I have?’

‘Your words, ok. Your words.’ The doctor looks around the room like he’s debating remodeling the place, and perhaps me, he smacks his lips and continues, ‘It’s bad, ok? I’m not here to say which is worse, either way it’s bad. You’ve got one bad thing on one side, another bad thing on the other side.’

My brain nearly shuts off I’m so overwhelmed by rage and confusion, ‘…CANCER. HEADACHE.’

The doc purses his lips, smiles a little, ‘both bad,’ he says as he turns around and walks out the room.


Meryl Streep, Meghan McCain, and Another Unasked for Opinion

Last night Meryl Streep gave a speech that called President-Elect Trump to task for some things he has said and done, and it generated a lot of noise as a result. One bit of noise came from Meghan McCain’s Twitter account, where she said,

I agree with Meghan. She got a LOT of negative responses, so I’ll explain why I agree.

I think part of the Trump victory is due to a lot of people seeing him as a rejection of a PC-movement which they didn’t like. People going to corporate training to learn about ‘microagressions’ and how they can’t make jokes like this or that, and they were sick of it. Trump represents an absolute and loud rejection of any notion of being PC.

Personally, I think that’s bad. But I get why some people like that.

Sometimes people post something on social media talking about a situation where someone was racist, or sexist, or xenophobic, or any number of words that seem to be much more a part of today’s lexicon than they were 10 years ago (or perhaps that is my imagination). And people, who liked how things were and were comfortable and ok with it, didn’t like being told what once was normal is now considered offensive.

That makes sense to me – someone coming in and telling you that what you are doing is wrong is frustrating. Especially if that person is pointing this out to you as though you’re dumb or awful.

There are times that I have read a post and thought, ‘nuh uh, you’re just being dramatic.’ But then, ideally, someone has further explained what they were saying. WHY is this sexist? HOW is that statement that seems normal to me actually subtly racist? And the best is when I can observe this, question it, and learn without judgement. This is difficult to achieve – it takes a patient teacher AND student to tackle socially embarrassing and difficult topics like racism, sexism, and xenophobia.

People on both sides are making mistakes. Too many people point out wrongs of others in harsh and unforgiving terms. This makes it easy to reject any future conversations around the same topic. Someone who is more conservative who has been called narrow-minded and idiotic will have to summon even more patience to then hear a rational explanation of why their words, which they may have said without being aware that they could be perceived negatively, were actually offensive. And someone who has been called a libtard and gay for expressing frustration with Donald Trump will have a harder time explaining calmly why they are feeling frustrated.

Meghan McCain added to this, by writing a statement that had some truth to it but seemed intended more to get attention and rile people (she’s in the media, the media digs clicks, bingo, bango, bongo). But she’s kind of right – a rich, elite, liberal person saying that Trump represents some awful ideas? … That’s just going to have some people hunker down in their opinion that anyone speaking ill of him is actually wrong.

That said, I thought Streep voiced her opinion well and the people that will further embrace Trump after listening to her were maybe those who are unlikely to see another point of view at all anyhow (too steeped in their own opinion).

What’s my point? Calm down, listen, ask questions, try to understand the other side. It’s a much more interesting and good use of your brain to think about something you haven’t thought of – and who better to introduce you to such notions than someone on the other side of this far too divided us vs them climate we’re now in the abominable pleasure of living in.


Google searches of the word ‘racist’ from 2004 – present day

Google searches of the word ‘sexist’ from 2004 – present day (a marked increase)

Google searches of the word ‘xenophobic’ from 2004 – present day


It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

Donald Trump Taken, Barack Obama to Respond

Donald Trump is in Scotland today.

17 minutes ago – I’m here live at the White House awaiting word from President Barack Obama on the kidnapping that occurred just an hour ago. Donald Trump, visiting Scotland to open a golf course, was kidnapped by a group of Scottish men.

The Scottish men, wearing kilts, blue war paint, shouting freedom and anti-Semitic sentiments, in an apparent homage to both Mel Gibson and his depiction of William Wallace in Braveheart, have taken Donald Trump to an unknown location. No demands have yet to be issued.

14 minutes ago – Barack Obama is now entering the briefing room, and he has turned around.

13 minutes ago – And now he is back in the room. He is facing the doorway where I have seen from other reports on the other side of the room that apparently Michelle Obama is standing there shaking her head, mouthing, “sorry, honey, but you have to.” Barack Obama is staring at Michelle sullenly, and now he is sticking both of his hands in his pockets and rolling his eyes so far into his head he appears almost zombie-like. The President is now walking toward the podium, with steps that cannot be longer than 6 inches each.

11 minutes ago – President Barack Obama has almost reached the podium. He has turned around to glare at Michelle three times.

10 minutes ago – President Barack Obama is standing at the podium. He has shaken his head four, now five, now six, times, he is continuing to shake his head.

9 minutes ago – The President has cleared his throat, which is the second indication that he will be speaking today. The first is that he is standing at the podium. All other body language indicates otherwise.

6 minutes ago – The President quickly related the facts of Donald Trump’s kidnapping while looking straight down at a piece of paper on the podium, his hands beating nonsensical beats while he relates these facts. At certain words, such as “presidential nominee” Barack Obama would inhale deeply and then exhale loudly.

4 minutes ago – “Um,” the President has just eloquently stated, “we uh …” another deep inhale and long, loud exhale of breath. And now an almost bitter, pained laugh. A tear may have fallen on the podium, it’s too soon for this reporter to tell.

3 minutes ago – “Like I was saying,” the President strings together a few words for the first time in minutes, “we are … supposed to,” a quick look at Michelle and now the President takes another deep breath, when he looks to the audience he is shaking his head, his mouth set, “the United States demands the release of Donald” the President has just vomited! UPDATE: The President, in attempting to ask for the release of Donald Trump, has vomited! It appears he had eggs for breakfast!

1 minute ago – An aide attempted to rush out to help the President but Michelle blocked the aid and could be heard clearly saying, “just say it, you don’t have to mean it.” At that the President quickly finished his statement, calling for the release of Donald Trump, and then he left the room.


Here is the President, attempting to call for the return of Donald Trump to the United States.

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