The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Donald Trump’

Attn: Ellen (2/13/19)

Front

 

ellen386a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

ellen386b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know that thing where a 3 year old sorta speaks English, but you also have to look to the parents to say ‘please translate.’ I wonder if it’s like that for any new White House communications directory, chief of staff, etc.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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Attn: Ellen (1/30/19)

Front

 

ellen384a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

ellen384b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If stupid was food, Donald Trump would be an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Donald Trump Having Coyotes Explained to Him

(Interior, Oval Office)

Trump: Someone get in here. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
White Personnel: Sir? What’s the matter?
Trump: I just heard on the news that coyotes are smuggling people into the United States?
WHP: Yes, sir, that’s true. That’s why we need that wall.
Trump: What’s the biggest enemy of the coyote?
WHP: Uh … good law enforcement, sir?
Trump: Road runners. Road runners are smarter than coyotes every time.
WHP: Ah, uh … sir …
Trump: Do our border patrol people have road runners working for them?
WHP: Well, sir …
Trump: SHAM! FALSE! We need road runners and we NEED THEM now.
WHP: Sir a coyote is a word for a person, it’s not an actual coyote. It’s a word for a person who smuggles people.
Trump: (sighs heavily) You’re fired. You can’t tell me we don’t need road runners. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
Second WHP: Sir? Is there a problem?
Trump: First, Tod’s been fired. Second, get me the best road runner trainer in the United States. I’ll start searching YouTube.
Second WHP: Of course, sir.

Two aides leave.

(Exterior, Oval Office)

Second WHP: Fired again, Jennifer?
WHP: Yeah, fourth time today.
Second WHP: So … road runner trainer?
WHP: Yeah, he’s basing a decision on old cartoons again … ‘coyotes’ …
Second WHP: Ohhhh. Oh. Oh my God. He doesn’t cease to amaze, huh?

Gleaming New Roads, Bridges, Etc.

Together, we can reclaim our building heritage. We will build gleaming new roads, bridges, highways, railways, and waterways across our land. And we will do it with American heart, American hands, and American grit. – DJT, SOTU

In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history. – DJT, SOTU

DumbFunnery had the amazing opportunity to visit one of President Donald Josephine Trump’s new roads that is connected to one of his new bridges that he talked about at his State of the Union address.

215px-rainbowroad-smk

Possible inspiration.

The road is certainly gleaming. Never before have I seen a road that was constructed with 1% glitter. It is, in fact, dangerous. I met with an optometrist who lives near the area and wrote countless letters objecting to a literal gleaming road, but her letters went unheard. Her local representative, a republican, said that progress won’t be slowed, and then the local republican quoted President Trump, “America is a nation of builders. We built the Empire State Building in just 1 year — is it not a disgrace that it can now take 10 years just to get a permit approved for a simple road?”

To that end, I guess, they took it as a challenge to do as little as possible in the way of feasibility studies or ensuring that the road was placed in a spot that made sense (it doesn’t), that it is sound (it isn’t) and that it doesn’t literally cause blinding because of the ‘gleaming’ aspect. Donald Jacqueline Trump may love things to have a gilded appearance, but sometimes that is a horrible, horrible idea.

Ah look, another officer has arrived at the scene to provide traffic control assistance after someone accidentally drove off the gleaming bridge as the sun began to rise. The officer is wearing one of those ‘just got my eyes dilated’ pairs of sunglasses provided by the kind optometrist.

Thankfully, because this project seemed to embrace progress over logic, the bridge is not actually over a body of water, so the driver will be just fine. Though his car will likely be dirty.

I’m getting a closer look at the road and the construction company, ICE Construction, actually used literal hands and … oh God tell me that’s not a heart. I was told by an official spokesperson from ICE that

Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.

Upcoming Headlines

Donald Trump Sexually Assaults Mailbox, Republicans Rally Behind Him
Lindsay Graham (R-SC), “The president is able to think outside the box, which is why I respect him as a leader.”

 

Chuck Schumer, After Making a Big Deal Out of Not Getting the Coffee He Ordered … Drinks This Random Coffee He was Handed
Nancy Pelosi, seen nearby smiling her particular smile, had no comment.

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Bernie Sanders (D-VT) thinking about education reform.

 

Donald Trump Begins Wearing Bib 24/7
Paul Ryan (R-WI), “If the president is too busy thinking about solutions to our nation’s problems, and as a result he sometimes forgets to swallow food or he drools a little, I applaud him for that.”

 

Bernie Sanders Revealed to be a Muppet
When informed, Cory Booker (D-NJ) shrugged.

 

Donald Trump at the State of the Union Declares Love of Both Goo Goo, and Gah Gah
Republicans stand and applaud at Goo Goo, Democrats and Republicans stand for Gah Gah. Rand Paul (R-KY) stays seated for both.

Attn: Ellen (12/27/17)

Front

Ellen331a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen331b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s the conundrum. I would say Merry Christmas to you, but … Donald Trump. He’s got his whole ‘Christmas is under attack’ thing going and I detest that man. Plus, I have a natural ‘you don’t tell me what to do!’ side to me.

All that to say … Happy Christmas! (I went British. Take that.)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Doctor Trump

If you were hoping to read about my baby, nah … it’s just me bashing Trump. I wrote this right after Charlottesville and DJ’s response. See if you can catch my oh so subtle opinion on the matter.

I’m sitting on the butcher paper, nervously rubbing my knee while checking my phone every 40 seconds or so. The doctor should be in any minute now to tell me the results of all the tests that have just been run.

The door opens and he glides in, holding himself to his full height and bearing a look on his face that says ‘I know something you don’t knoooooow.’

I search the doctor’s eyes and he looks down at me, beginning a series of remarks about what a great doctor he is, and how so many other doctors aren’t great, and also about how a lot of doctors think they’re good at tennis but really they’re not that good at tennis. ‘Believe me,’ he says, ‘I belong to a tennis club. These guys. They’re no tennis.’

‘Doc, please!’ I exclaim against my desire to be patient and cordial, ‘what do I have? Is it bad?’

He smirks, then raises his eyebrows, then lifts his chin so he undoubtedly sees more of his nose than he sees my face, and he says, ‘Look, I’m not going to lie, it’s bad. You’ve got on the one side, maybe cancer, and on the other side, maybe a bad headache. They’re just words. Whatever it is, they’re bad.’

My jaw drops. ‘Doc … I … There’s a HUGE difference between cancer and a big headache … Which … What do I have?’

‘Your words, ok. Your words.’ The doctor looks around the room like he’s debating remodeling the place, and perhaps me, he smacks his lips and continues, ‘It’s bad, ok? I’m not here to say which is worse, either way it’s bad. You’ve got one bad thing on one side, another bad thing on the other side.’

My brain nearly shuts off I’m so overwhelmed by rage and confusion, ‘…CANCER. HEADACHE.’

The doc purses his lips, smiles a little, ‘both bad,’ he says as he turns around and walks out the room.

 

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