The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘sad’

Donald Trump Taken, Barack Obama to Respond

Donald Trump is in Scotland today.

17 minutes ago – I’m here live at the White House awaiting word from President Barack Obama on the kidnapping that occurred just an hour ago. Donald Trump, visiting Scotland to open a golf course, was kidnapped by a group of Scottish men.

The Scottish men, wearing kilts, blue war paint, shouting freedom and anti-Semitic sentiments, in an apparent homage to both Mel Gibson and his depiction of William Wallace in Braveheart, have taken Donald Trump to an unknown location. No demands have yet to be issued.

14 minutes ago – Barack Obama is now entering the briefing room, and he has turned around.

13 minutes ago – And now he is back in the room. He is facing the doorway where I have seen from other reports on the other side of the room that apparently Michelle Obama is standing there shaking her head, mouthing, “sorry, honey, but you have to.” Barack Obama is staring at Michelle sullenly, and now he is sticking both of his hands in his pockets and rolling his eyes so far into his head he appears almost zombie-like. The President is now walking toward the podium, with steps that cannot be longer than 6 inches each.

11 minutes ago – President Barack Obama has almost reached the podium. He has turned around to glare at Michelle three times.

10 minutes ago – President Barack Obama is standing at the podium. He has shaken his head four, now five, now six, times, he is continuing to shake his head.

9 minutes ago – The President has cleared his throat, which is the second indication that he will be speaking today. The first is that he is standing at the podium. All other body language indicates otherwise.

6 minutes ago – The President quickly related the facts of Donald Trump’s kidnapping while looking straight down at a piece of paper on the podium, his hands beating nonsensical beats while he relates these facts. At certain words, such as “presidential nominee” Barack Obama would inhale deeply and then exhale loudly.

4 minutes ago – “Um,” the President has just eloquently stated, “we uh …” another deep inhale and long, loud exhale of breath. And now an almost bitter, pained laugh. A tear may have fallen on the podium, it’s too soon for this reporter to tell.

3 minutes ago – “Like I was saying,” the President strings together a few words for the first time in minutes, “we are … supposed to,” a quick look at Michelle and now the President takes another deep breath, when he looks to the audience he is shaking his head, his mouth set, “the United States demands the release of Donald” the President has just vomited! UPDATE: The President, in attempting to ask for the release of Donald Trump, has vomited! It appears he had eggs for breakfast!

1 minute ago – An aide attempted to rush out to help the President but Michelle blocked the aid and could be heard clearly saying, “just say it, you don’t have to mean it.” At that the President quickly finished his statement, calling for the release of Donald Trump, and then he left the room.


Here is the President, attempting to call for the return of Donald Trump to the United States.

Super Bummer, Huh Guys?

March Madness means wild celebrating, over-joyed faces and dances, and also the very image of being heartbroken. While watching a game this past weekend I saw a guy who looked like a dork, a guy who is on the team but who I can’t picture getting any minutes. And if I had played college basketball, I would’ve been that guy.

Oh man, guys … oof, right?

Ok, yeah, lots of tears in this locker room. I get that. I know that even though we’re on the same team some of you are looking at me like, “who is this guy?” Which is pretty rude since there’s only fourteen of us but whatever.

While all of you were training to take us so far and come so close, like … so, so close. I mean, did you see that? Shoot sorry. This isn’t helping.

Dudes! Think about all the sweet sympathy hugs we’re going to get! Probably from pretty girls, too!


Kansas player Perry Ellis.

Wait, ok, since I have all of your attention … how old are you? I feel like I should always call you sir, and not because you’re 2.7 million times better than me at basketball. But you look like you should be celebrating your tenth wedding anniversary. At least. How are your four kids? Is it tiring being a college basketball player and masquerading as someone much younger than you?

Shoot. Ok. Distracted again. I’m cheering the team up. Uhhh … did you guys see there’s a grocery store by here? Pizza Lunchables on me, guys.

Oof. Tough crowd. So much crying.

All right, I don’t need to shower or anything so … I’ll be at the grocery store, don’t let the bus leave without me!

24/7 Beyoncé

I don’t normally post actual news on my site but sometimes a true story is just too good to pass up.

This story is actually sad for a number of people, but overall I find it funny. Hopefully the people who were laid off have found or will find new jobs and they can have a good old fashioned bitter laugh about the whole thing.

In Houston the radio station 92.1 became News 92.1 FM. The station started in November 2011, a 24/7 news station (according to this article). I liked to listen to them occasionally, but generally I go for music (on long drives) or sports talk radio (what can I say, I’m an ignorant schlub).

This month, the radio station sited bad ratings and laid off all of the employees. Taking its place … a 24/7 Beyoncé station. (My goodness, my computer recognized that Beyoncé was not a word and had the red underline … so I clicked on it and it knew Beyoncé should have the accent. But it doesn’t know the word schlub. What is this?)

I had to tune in and … yep … It was a Beyoncé song.

Several days later I was in my friend’s car and I told them about the 24/7 Beyoncé station. They turned it over and … we didn’t recognize the song. The next song comes on and its definitely not Beyoncé. What what what!

Apparently Beyoncé has a grand total of about 8 hours of music recorded (according to this article). That meant Beyoncé’s music career 3 times a day, every day, all day, always and forever … For a couple days. Now the station is “classic hip-hop” … Which is that thing where Beethoven rapped for 8 hours one time.


This is Beyoncé’s ‘You did what with that radio station?’ pose.


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