Interrogator: We can do this the hard way … or the easy way.
Me: I’d like to hear a bit more about both options, please.
Interrogator: Well the easy way involves a nice, tall glass of milk and a doughnut and the hard way (Laughs darkly) … Well, it doesn’t.
Me: What type of doughnut?
Interrogator: … Listen. You’re paying attention to the wrong details.
Me: I said. What. Type. Of. Doughnut.
Interrogator: I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
Me: Well maybe head to the backroom and ask what type of doughnut, eh chief?
Interrogator: No. We will torture you, or you will tell us what we want to know.
Me: Are you saying the milk and doughnut were a ruse?
Interrogator: Oh my God. Can someone else step in here? It’s like dealing with my child.
Me: Are you saying your child is out there somewhere, right now, eating a doughnut?
Interrogator 2: Ok Phil, let me take over.
Me: A guy named PHIL was going to torture me? That’s embarrassing for everybody.
Interrogator 2: I just ate a delicious doughnut, and now … I’m going to torture you.
Me: That had absolutely zero tension-building. Just awful … What type of dougnut?
Interrogator 2: Jelly filled.
Me: Oh gross. You want to torture me? Make me eat one of those. Blech.
Interrogator 2: You don’t like jelly filled? Are you crazy? Those are the best.
Me: Dude. No. Maple long john, not filled.
Interrogator 2: Oh sick. You’re a sick, sick man. I can’t torture this man … he’s already broken.
Epilogue: I escape, and go eat a doughnut.