Russia is hosting this World Cup and is welcoming players with the warmth, kindness, and open arms we have all come to expect from Russia. Rumor has it Vlad Putin himself personally visited each Saudi Arabian player’s room before the first match. This reporter has uncovered a few of the friendly welcome notes Vlad HIMSELF wrote!
‘No one will remember you when you turn up dead, with a prostitute draped over your lifeless body. Good luck at the match.’
‘I have never seen a bear eat Saudi children, like yours, ages 7 and 12. I wonder what it would look like. Good luck at the match.’
‘It’s only a game. Life, that is. Yours, in particular. I like playing games. Good luck at the match.’
I think we can all agree that Russia has once again gone out of its way to prove that it truly is the best country to host the World Cup!
Rumor has it that before Russia’s second match, against Egypt, Vlad himself has organized for a trained bear to come and do tricks for the Egyptian team! The Egyptian ambassador had raised a protest until he was unfortunately taken ill, and he has not been heard of since being admitted to a hospital. We can hope for a speedy recovery, or else he’ll miss the bear’s tricks!
This reporter is excited about the bear, who is rumored to be able to do the following:
- Kick a soccer ball into a net
- Carry a syringe with a nearly untraceable numbing agent that can last up to 24 hours
- Hoola hoop
- Maim on command
- Pretend to read a newspaper while sitting on a mock toilet
The Egyptian team must be looking forward to this wonderful show from the world’s greatest country!
Uruguay will finish Russia’s Group Stage play, and the Uruguayans are heavily favored. Vlad, known for his sense of humor, light touch, charisma, and all around nice-guy persona, joked that he may have to have the entire team killed to let Russia win.
Doubled over with laughter, the jokester continued, saying perhaps he would even have the team’s family members killed too.
This reporter here needs help. Please send help. I want to go home.
But that’s not all, Vlad ‘tickles with words’ Putin then threatened everyone in the room with such funny jokes that we’re all held captive, in a sense, to his humor, and also in this very small room.
Good luck, World Cup competitors!