The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘soccer’

How are the Russians Welcoming World Cup Participants?

Russia is hosting this World Cup and is welcoming players with the warmth, kindness, and open arms we have all come to expect from Russia. Rumor has it Vlad Putin himself personally visited each Saudi Arabian player’s room before the first match. This reporter has uncovered a few of the friendly welcome notes Vlad HIMSELF wrote!

‘No one will remember you when you turn up dead, with a prostitute draped over your lifeless body. Good luck at the match.’

‘I have never seen a bear eat Saudi children, like yours, ages 7 and 12. I wonder what it would look like. Good luck at the match.’

‘It’s only a game. Life, that is. Yours, in particular. I like playing games. Good luck at the match.’

I think we can all agree that Russia has once again gone out of its way to prove that it truly is the best country to host the World Cup!


Rumor has it that before Russia’s second match, against Egypt, Vlad himself has organized for a trained bear to come and do tricks for the Egyptian team! The Egyptian ambassador had raised a protest until he was unfortunately taken ill, and he has not been heard of since being admitted to a hospital. We can hope for a speedy recovery, or else he’ll miss the bear’s tricks!

This reporter is excited about the bear, who is rumored to be able to do the following:

  • Juggle
  • Kick a soccer ball into a net
  • Carry a syringe with a nearly untraceable numbing agent that can last up to 24 hours
  • Hoola hoop
  • Maim on command
  • Pretend to read a newspaper while sitting on a mock toilet

The Egyptian team must be looking forward to this wonderful show from the world’s greatest country!


Uruguay will finish Russia’s Group Stage play, and the Uruguayans are heavily favored. Vlad, known for his sense of humor, light touch, charisma, and all around nice-guy persona, joked that he may have to have the entire team killed to let Russia win.

Doubled over with laughter, the jokester continued, saying perhaps he would even have the team’s family members killed too.


This reporter here needs help. Please send help. I want to go home.

But that’s not all, Vlad ‘tickles with words’ Putin then threatened everyone in the room with such funny jokes that we’re all held captive, in a sense, to his humor, and also in this very small room.


Good luck, World Cup competitors!

2018 FIFA World Cup.svg
By Source, Fair use, Link


Attn: Ellen (7/16/14)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Now that the World Cup is over, what sport should Americans pay a marginal amount of attention to? Baseball of course!

Baseball answers all of the important summertime questions like

1) Just how bored am I?

2) Is there anything worse on TV than this infomercial?

3) How is grandpa taking another nap on the couch?

Let’s hear it for America’s favorite pastime, a sport that inspires daydreams and a love of stadiums with wi-fi. Oh look, since I started writing this the pitcher threw a strike! Hooray!


Why am I doing this?

Which Sport is Best?

It’s impossible to say which sport is best because it’s a purely subjective matter. But here’s one thing we can all agree on – attractiveness. With that in mind, it’s easy to determine which sport is best by an attractive representative from each sport.

I looked for countless hours at the most attractive athletes from soccer, football, and baseball and found that the sports come to a surprising draw with not a single attractive athlete. I know, I’m surprised too. From there I went to the next obvious choice: the referees.


Pierluigi Collina – Soccer

Soccer Referee

Pierluidi’s calling you out … for a candle-lit dinner.

Gene Steratore – NFL

NFL Referee

Gene wants you to know he’d never call you encroachment on your sexual advances.


Jim Joyce – Baseball

Baseball Referee

Jim caught a look in the mirror … Obviously, what he saw was jaw-dropping.

Now that you’ve seen a representative referee for these sports you will undoubtedly come to the same conclusion as myself: we, the fans, are the winners because we get to witness them in action every game.

How the US Can Beat Belgium

I beg of you, please follow these steps to help the US Men’s National Team to advance tomorrow against Belgium.

  • Don’t eat fancy chocolates
    • This will send those Belgies (I just coined that) a message: we mean business
  • Avoid waffles
    • Don’t waffle when it comes to the USMNT
  • Crush up brussel sprouts and pour them on everything
    • This doesn’t make that much sense but soccer is on and I don’t have any creative juices flowing at the moment

Leave work early on Tuesday (the game is on at 3pm Central time) and cheer for the team. If they lose, be proud they made it this far. If they win, be ecstatic and dance around and make people at the place you’re watching the game wish they were soccer fans.


Attn: Ellen (5/15/13)


Ellen DeGeneres Washington D.C.

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If my life was a soccer game on a Spanish-speaking channel, last night there would’ve been one of those at-first-funny-but-then-annoying 5 minute long “goaaaal!” announcements.

Why? Because I’m done with my Master’s*!

*If it turns out I failed my final, that would be an own goal announcement.


Why am I doing this?

Houston Dynamo – Opening Game at the New Stadium!

Check out more items from my “What Have I Done?” bucket list!

What a Utility Bag

At the end of youth soccer leagues we would have a nice trophy presentation. This was a big deal for me, as I was convinced the more trophies I had the better I was. This was an ingrained FACT.

And, sorry, ribbons don’t count as trophies. A trophy is something you can throw and do damage with. Just ask a certain cousin of mine.

Growing up I played soccer, and in middle school and for half of high school I ran cross country. Soccer was my only source of trophies. (I only got ribbons for cross-country. Stupid ribbons.) I needed these trophies, too. They proved … something!

In the fourth grade, in my mind, I was a soccer wiz. I was the tops. The cat’s pajamas. The bees knees.

But, my growth in the soccer skills department stopped there. I kept getting older, but my body relished that fourth grade talent. Improve with age? I don’t think so. I’m good where I am.

Fortunately, when you play on youth soccer leagues no one can get cut.

I tended to sit at the start of games, but I got a pretty good amount of playing time, and I occasionally did something well (intentionally or not, it’s all about how nonchalant you act after something good happens).

The worst time of the year to have no talent was at the trophy presentation. That’s when it really hit home for me.

The coach would stand up and say a few words about the team, the season, the fun, the game! Yeah, we learned a lot from these talks (“pass me another slice,” “Brad, shhh!, your coach is talking!,” “…so do I not get another slice?”)

After the introductory remarks, the coach would announce a player’s name. That player would go to stand beside the coach and beam as the coach went on about their talents.

“Ben scored the most goals!”

“Tony was non-stop, he was always making a play!”

“Nobody could stop our goalie!”

But what if said player lacked in the talent field?

“Brad, come on up here! …” (He’s holding the trophy.) “Brad’s a real great kid.” (Just give me the trophy and let me get back to my pizza.) “We could put Brad in anywhere in the game, whenever we needed him.” (Wait … is that an insult or a compliment?) “He’s a great utility player!” (CRAP! It’s an insult.)

Utility!? Utility?!?!

My coach called me a tool.

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